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Wife died and falling for her friend?? Eeeek!!

206 replies

blueskiesrock · 08/07/2017 17:01

Hi.

I had a great marriage for 26 years and my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly 6 months ago. Friends have been great and I feel very supported but still very lonely.

A good friend of my wife's (we have all been friends ever since my wife and I met) has been superb at helping and she has never been married. We have lots in common and I am starting to have feelings for her and I suspect she might be too, however I am worried that if I try to move things on and she doesn't feel the way I do I'd lose the friendship and make myself look silly. We are both in our fifties so old enough to realise time marches on.

Also concerned friends will feel it is too soon but then they are not the one at home alone.

Ho Hum???

What to do?

OP posts:
Squishedstrawberry4 · 09/07/2017 08:52

I think you need to give the last chapter of your life time and space - rest/reflect/be centred. For your kids and yourself. Throwing yourself from one relationship to another seems a bit desperate. Like you're one of these people that can't be on their own.

GahBuggerit · 09/07/2017 08:53

Strange isn't it how op has asked for advice, been given many opinions which are helpful for him to prepare for different RL reactions, and things to consider, and the only replies are how he went for dinner with the friend and a random "I'm not a troll even though I don't know what one is".

Eeeeek!

outabout · 09/07/2017 08:58

Everyone is trying to guess the situation that Blueskies is in with only a couple of short paragraphs to work on. He has 26 years of marriage and the relationships between himself and the children, other family members and long term friends. He will never forget his wife and moving forward some activities/places/events will suddenly come back to him and will cause moments of sadness. Long talks between OP and his children are necessary and between them can gauge how seeing more of his wife's friend would go down. OP's wife will never be replaced.
There is a world of difference between going out to places/functions for a pleasant evening or day and bedding someone. At the moment just 'going out' to normalise life a bit is probably all the OP is after.

GloriaV · 09/07/2017 09:07

At the moment just 'going out' to normalise life a bit is probably all the OP is after

Not really as he is worried she will find someone else if he dawdles.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 09/07/2017 09:11

She knows his wife had just died and she knows he will need time to recover before anything develops. I'm sure she's not stupid

user1497863568 · 09/07/2017 09:14

Give it some time - a couple of years at least. One of my parent's friends fell for his wife's friend about 6 months after his beautiful wife sadly committed suicide. Everyone else felt she was angling for him and started avoiding her - they ended up fighting a lot and kids really didn't like her at first. I think if they had all had more time to grieve, their relationship could have developed without those problems.

rizlett · 09/07/2017 09:19

Please may I respectfully say user1497863568 that we no longer use the words committed suicide as they relate to the past when taking your own life was a crime.

Oblomov17 · 09/07/2017 09:20

6 months is too soon. In my opinion. I think many/most people, in your circle of friends, would think that too.

GloriaV · 09/07/2017 09:29

I suspect that families don't discuss death enough with DCs possibly because they don't want to bring up something distressing for them. When in fact honest and regular chat and discussion are probably the best thing to help them process and deal with their loss especially if it is a parent.

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 09/07/2017 09:38

Blueskies, I know you'll get a lot of messages saying "you have to allow X years (where X is some large-ish) gap". But I remember sitting in on a conversation my mum had with one of my friends back when he and I were in our twenties. His mum had died a year earlier, his dad had got engaged to one of their mutual friends, and he was understandably upset about it.

My mum (born 1929) who had seen her mum "replaced" by a (rather unpleasant) woman, but who had also seen lots of other friends re-marry happily after being widowed (so she'd seen a wide variation) explained that back in her generation when premature death was more common, people tended to remarry quite soon afterwards, and it was (in her experience) usually a testament to how happy they'd been in their first marriage. In mine and my friend's generation, in contrast, the model we had for seeing relationships end was unhappy breakups rather than bereavement - and that did take a long time to get over, because you hadn't lost a loved partner, you'd lost confidence in the possibility of happy relationships and confidence in your own judgement when it came to choosing partners (my mum knew what she was talking about on that one too - her first marriage had ended in divorce, quite unusually for the time). Where you'd lost a partner to death, you still believed in happy loving relationships because you'd been in one. So in her experience, bereaved people "moved on" more quickly than divorced people - except that in an important sense they didn't move on. Bereavement was a very odd situation where people could love two people at once and that was okay - they could love and treasure the memory of their late spouse and love their new partner. And that was okay.

It's a conversation that's always stuck in my mind, because I've seen it happen a couple of times among friends my age and younger (interestingly, one man, one woman - both of whom lost partners to accidents - they both went on to marry mutual friends of theirs and their late partners relatively quickly).

So, in short, my mum's take was that it isn't disrespectful to your late partner, it can be testament to just how strong and loving your first marriage was. (But at the same time, that those around you may not understand this).

Of course it doesn't always work this way - my mum died about 10 years ago now, and it took my dad at least 7 or 8 years before he felt ready to see anyone else (and even after 7 or 8 years it did feel very weird for me - but as a child feeling weird and acknowledging that it's none of your business and your job is to do your best to feel happy for them is actually part and parcel of being a grown-up; I can see it's harder for teenagers or younger children, though).

eightyeightmilesperhour · 09/07/2017 09:47

OP - you seem very blasé about your wife. You're showing zero emotion. Six months is absolutely no time at all. It's the children I feel sorry for.

GetAHaircutCarl · 09/07/2017 09:54

So your teen lost their mother traumatically six months ago and you're all eek, ho hum, onwards and upwards?

Seriously?

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2017 10:09

I second what MOstly is saying about finding a new partner. It is often the people, who were happily married/happy in their relationship, who move on the fastest. Society these days struggles with this concept, especially the children, which is why I suggested upthread waiting another 6 months. And to allow op to grieve a little longer and decide if he definitely wants a relationship with this lady.

My mother met someone almost 2 years after my dad died. I had just left for 1st year of university when he started staying over and he quickly moved in. It was hard because she didn't bother to discuss it with me. They married less than a year later. He died earlier this year. He was a kind and loving man. Her actions were far too fast. Not on meeting him, but moving him into the family home without involving her children was unkind and immature.

PosyBear · 09/07/2017 10:16

Various people have remarked on this bloke's manner. I'll add to their comments: You sound odd. You're choosing to not respond to any remarks about your "ho hum" nonsense. I feel for your poor children.

Address the comments, why don't you?! Or did you just want approbation?

anchor9 · 09/07/2017 10:54

"onwards and upwards"???

if find your manner of writing very incongruous/offputting.

NearlyFree17 · 09/07/2017 11:20

Great post mostlybowlinghedgehog
Your mum was a very insightful lady
Also in years gone by, widowed women were more likely to be left in financial difficulty so there were probably practical reasons for finding a new husband.

MikeUniformMike · 09/07/2017 11:26

When a man suddenly becomes single, some women see an opportunity.
I'm not saying that is the OP's case. His wife's friend may just be very kind but I would be very wary.

Rushing into a relationship could cause a lot of things to go wrong. His support network could disintegrate. New wife might just be a golddigger. The children might mind a lot.

I think that this is maybe not a genuine thread. If it is genuine, I advise OP to think long and hard if he has genuinely grieved yet, is the attraction of the friend caused by her being there and in some ways doing things (not those things! wash yer mind out) that his wife used to do.

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 09/07/2017 11:51

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Mummyoflittledragon · 09/07/2017 11:52

Are the "ho hum" and "onwards and upwards" comments ways of not showing your emotions?

MikeUniformMike · 09/07/2017 12:00

MontyPython, I understood that Cilla Black and John Madejski were close friends but not romantically involved.

Apologies to OP if this thread is genuine, but please consider your children. The sudden and unexpected loss of a mother is a lot to take in and cope with.
Don't rush into anything.

MickeyRooney · 09/07/2017 12:03

6 months after your wife's death, to me, is an indecent amount of time to be getting involved with a new woman.

GloriaV · 09/07/2017 12:04

Not on meeting him, but moving him into the family home without involving her children was unkind and immature

Yes, we avoid difficult conversations with DC. OP should probably have come on and said something about the DCs attitudes, whether in favour or not, the fact that that is missing suggests he is not considering them in this decision.
I would not think highly of the friend if she was willing to move in so soon after the death of the DC's DM.

rizlett · 09/07/2017 12:17

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rightwhine · 09/07/2017 12:22

By all means let her know that you love spending time with her etc but go slowly. It's very early days.

Yes, and think of the kids. They might really like her as a person but I bet my bottom dollar they won't be so keen having her replace their mum in their eyes after 6 months. Be very discreet and take things slowly.

GreenShadow · 09/07/2017 17:41

I personally don't see 6 months as too soon to start dating again per se (my dad was seeing a new woman about that long after my mum died) but it needs to be taken slowly. No one is saying that if he did date the friend, that they are going to move in together straight away. They could (and should) take it very slowly until the children are older and had more than enough time for the initial shock of the loss to lessen.
Please don't all jump down blueskies throat. Only he can tell whether the time is right to think about moving on.