Wife died and falling for her friend?? Eeeek!!

[blueskiesrock]

Hi.

I had a great marriage for 26 years and my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly 6 months ago. Friends have been great and I feel very supported but still very lonely.

A good friend of my wife's (we have all been friends ever since my wife and I met) has been superb at helping and she has never been married. We have lots in common and I am starting to have feelings for her and I suspect she might be too, however I am worried that if I try to move things on and she doesn't feel the way I do I'd lose the friendship and make myself look silly. We are both in our fifties so old enough to realise time marches on.

Also concerned friends will feel it is too soon but then they are not the one at home alone.

Ho Hum???

What to do?

Honestly, some of these responses!

And what does someone in their 50s sound like I wonder. Bcs of course at some point there's a switch and the brain you've had in your head your entire life gets replaced.

It's too soon op. Absolutely understandable why you'd feel attracted to a kind, and available, woman. But it really is far too soon. Far too soon.

Not just for you but definitely for your poor kids. I'd be very surprised if it didn't absolutely slaughter them. They are in the intense phase of grief - which will continue for many years. It is far far too soon for them. Please don't do it.

Fyi nigella lawsnon and her husband were going to divorce when the cancer diagnosis came
Fact

Too soon for what though, springydaffs my dear? Definitely not too soon to feel attracted to someone else. Not in my experience, or that reported by virtually any of the young widows in a support group I'm in. I don't think OP should in any way feel ashamed of those feelings. (Not saying that you were claiming he should, of
course. )
Whether those feelings are long lasting or just transient, and whether the woman feels the same, and how DC would feel - all good reasons to take it slow for now. That all needs working out.

Honestly OP if you're still reading - whilst it is a measure of how much you like this woman that you're worried she might be snapped up, that's not a reason to act hastily.

OP may also feel like he's learned from his wife's sudden passing that life can be terrifyingly short, so he wants to seize the chance for some happiness whilst it may be available. I totally empathise with that feeling - I had it and still have it. Balancing that with time and space to grieve, and supporting children, and being sensible, isn't always easy.

At the end of the day, whether it is six months or six years, there will be people with opinions who get to cuddle up with their partner every evening while you're alone

So true, yabba. Generally those same people who act like there is a right way to grieve. They seem to think there's an instruction manual for being a good widow/er, prohibiting sexual desire.

It does seem too soon to start dating.

My FIL remarried 2 years AFTER MIL passed away and it wasn't well received by the adult children.

There's a one year mourning period in my culture though. I'd feel really angry if my dad started seeing someone 6 months on.

I understand the feelings of loneliness and I think the support has obviously brought you closer together. I'd just find it awfully weird if my dad was dating my mum's friend after she passed.

I'd rather he started a relationship with someone new... After at least a year. It would be too close to home.

My mum died suddenly 2 and a bit years ago. My dad is broken. If finding someone would have enabled him to move forward and be less broken then I'd have welcomed it. Even at 6 months.

My grandfather in law didn't cope well on his own. He remarried within a year of his wife's death and all his children and grandchildren seem to have coped with the idea. He's now been married to his second wife for 35 years. She did get annoyed with him for saying he didn't see a silver wedding anniversary as anything to fuss over as he'd had one before. But otherwise all seems to have gone well.

Good grief!?! What a response. Thanks for all the input. Just been for dinner with friend and don't panic nothing happened.

Out of interest - what is a troll? Thought it was a little fella who sat under a bridge?

I know what it's like to go to bed every night alone, wake up every morning alone. I've been doing it for 9 years, ever since my wonderful hubby died. I'll probably end up doing it for the rest of my life, I'm 57.
Women grieve, men replace. So very true.

Women grieve, men replace. So very true

It's vicious, nasty, judgemental, sexist bullshit.

So sorry to hear about your wife but i really do think it's in poor taste to go out with your decreased wife's friend. It wouldn't be ok IMO to go out with your wife's friend in any situation... try starting a fresh with someone unrelated to your wife when you've had time to grieve. I wouldn't be happy to think if I died my husband got it on with one of my friends!

blueskiesrock I think having an honest discussion with friend is reasonable. If she is uninterested things might become awkward between you but to be honest they might not. I think what you are experiencing sounds understandable and if you are looking for company and companionship and what-not that is quite human, really.

However I would do some introspection because your wife's friend is not your wife and never will be, and if you cast her in the role of your wife that is a recipe for pain later. Allow the concept to percolate whilst you work through your grief perhaps? Six months is not a long time.

Women grieve, men replace.

I think this is inaccurate. I think women are able to gain support from friends to grieve. Men often find a new partner to lean on and help them grieve as they generally do not have the support structure.

To the children, however, this distinction is likely to be lost.

I think you should try to sit on these feelings for 6 months. It will then have been a a year since your wife died. You will have had more time to grieve and to ascertain what you want and if you truly have feelings for your friend. You will also have given your children more time to grieve and they will more easily adapt to having a new partner in your/their lives.

I think it may be too soon to start a relationship

I think that you have to consider that this relationship, if it develops in the future could really really upset your children. If you start it now, then it almost certainly would slay them emotionally

They are in the intense phase of grief - which will continue for many years.

I'll probably get flamed for this but why do we feel we have to grieve - for many years? It is a cultural thing? Is it a measure of the depth of love we feel for another? Do we love to punish ourselves by grieving for so long.

Surely if you love someone then that love doesn't die when they do and we can instead choose to see/feel/think of the positive, happy and loving times we had together.

Choosing to focus on the pain of endings isn't going to help us in any way at all.

Women grieve, men replace. is too general a statement unless you're a woman and you're looking for kudos for the depth of your grief.

Some people grieve, some people replace, some do both, some do neither.

(op - you are right - but when trolls get bored of life beneath bridges they love to create havoc on forums - find out more via dr google.)

Yes, and if this is real, then the fact you don't mention your children's feelings in your OP makes me think you are not the most thoughtful of people

It is good to hear from those of you who have been in this situation. I can absolutely get it when reading your posts.

I lost my dearest friend 11 months ago and am still reeling. Her DH of 40 years is coping really well, and I hope I would be able to be happy for him if /when he finds someone new. Right now is all about getting through the firsts without her, and helping the young adult DC to cope.

I couldn't imagine how it would be if he replaced her with one of our friends. Literally. It is not really my business though, and I do so want him to be happy again.

I think some people on here are making sweeping generalisations.

Women grieve, men replace. What an awful thing to say. Some get lost in grief, some find it better to try to move forwards. Gender has nothing to do with it!

And saying that he's a horrible person for not mentioning his children in the original post. Why? He's in a completely unenviable position and is trying to get his head around it and be responsible. How is that bad?

I don't understand the troll-hunting. (A troll, OP in this kind of situation is someone who posts something knowingly contentious to get people arguing/emotionally invested in something that is a total fabrication. No little fellas, bridges or goats!) okay, so some posts may be fabricated, but what if the one you declare "troll" on isn't and they're genuinely in need of help/support.

OP, I think you do need to consider your children in this. How are they coping with their grief? Would you be able to discuss the situation with them? Do they have a strong support network? Whatever you do, you do need to tread carefully but that doesn't mean that you can't discuss your emotions with your friend or with your children.

I miss my mum like crazy at times, but even early on it didn't take over (partly because of the horrible timing - it happened at a time in my life where I didn't have/haven't had time to grieve) and I certainly don't think I would be in any position to tell anyone else how they should grieve and that includes my father.

My husband lost his mother a few years ago to cancer very unexpectedly. He was heartbroken as was his father obviously. His parents had been married for just under 40 years.

About five months later my husband's dad announced that he was seeing someone and it caused no end of problems between him and my husband. My husband felt his mother was being replaced and he struggled enormously with his dad's quick progression to another relationship.

It's been over two years now since the new woman came on the scene and the relationship between my husband and his dad is still under constant strain. The other woman is never spoken about, my husband has absolutely nothing to do with her (and doesn't want to) and he has never really forgiven his dad for moving on so quickly. Whenever we are together as a family (minus the other woman obviously) there is always an atmosphere, an uncomfortable silence, nothing just feels "right" anymore.

I understand that you're lovely but please be very careful when considering how your actions may impact on your children's feelings.

My DH was 32 when his mother died and he still reacted this way to his father's new relationship.

Have you spoken to your children about how you feel?

OP people on here are being quick to say how bad this would be for your children but none of them actually know them. 6 months isn't indecently quick so long as you go slow and steady and talk to your children.

As for stories of adult children who have taken against their dad for starting a new relationship well they need to grow up and stop being selfish. My granny was widowed at 54 and never had another relationship. At one point many years after her husband died she did meet someone else but my uncle made it clear he didn't want anyone else to replace his dad and so she put a stop to anything with the other man. Such a shame.

Rhubarbginisnotasin how did you become so sceptical ? I am definitely in my fifties. Sorry to disappoint. Be curious to know what age you thought I was based on my two entries. Oh, and I don't live under a bridge either.

Onwards and upwards. The sun is shining and the birds are singing.

I don't think men consider the children enough when they produce a new wife-to-be 6 months after their first wife died.

Or the same if a wife found a new husband-to-be 6 months after their husband died.

If your first love was your true love I would think you wouldn't feel they were replaceable at all, but perhaps over time (ie a year or two) you want someone new because you are lonely.

The DCs will still be grieving - to see their DF/DM not only no longer grieving but shagging a replacement must be upsetting when in fact the family should be busy caring and supporting each other through a devstating change.

My MIL lost her husband in her early 50s and she was devastated - he put her on a pedestal and worshipped her and she was lost without him. A friend of his showed an interest in her until he died 20 years after her husband did, although she was not interested and just treated him as a friend (or a verbal punchbag as she could be spiteful). She was very judgemental about others who had lost their spouses but who had subsequently moved on - she thought that they could not possibly have loved their OHs.

She also died about 25 years after her husband and in that time she became an alcoholic, lost most of her friends due to her behaviour and her family was keeping her at arms length due to her hurtful behaviour. She drank because of loneliness - first the missing of her husband and then later, because she became a wreck of a woman who people avoided. It was very sad. She was a very glamorous woman when I first met her before the drink took hold, her decline was painful to see but you could not help her as she used to snarl at the attempt.

But, one thing that she said that struck a chord, not long before she died was that she wished she had grieved for her husband and then moved on and lived a full life. She was still young when he died and grief and the inability to say, that was then and this was now, actually killed her. She killed herself over a long period of time.

I was one of the people who said that women mourn, men replace, and my MIL was uppermost in my mind when I wrote that. On reflection, whilst I do think that is true, maybe men have the right approach? Better to grab at happiness than wallow in grief for a long period of time? Every situation is different, but why should we have the right to judge if people want to make the best out of the cards they have been dealt.

With regard to OP, I still think that 6 months is too soon, particularly as the friend was in both your lives before your wife died, and you have your children's feelings to think about. You may find somebody more suitable in a few months, or you may still like the friend, but everybody needs a bit of time to process everything.

Personally I wouldn't rush into anything. Give it another 6 months. She's a good friend and she will know how she feels and if she has feelings too she will be willing to wait a tiny bit longer.

Also let things evolve naturally rather then putting her on the spot. So like you would a friend, ask if she would like to go for a cross country ramble or to see a film. Be extremely close friends for 6 months and spend even more quality 1:1 time together.