Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Wife died and falling for her friend?? Eeeek!!

206 replies

blueskiesrock · 08/07/2017 17:01

Hi.

I had a great marriage for 26 years and my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly 6 months ago. Friends have been great and I feel very supported but still very lonely.

A good friend of my wife's (we have all been friends ever since my wife and I met) has been superb at helping and she has never been married. We have lots in common and I am starting to have feelings for her and I suspect she might be too, however I am worried that if I try to move things on and she doesn't feel the way I do I'd lose the friendship and make myself look silly. We are both in our fifties so old enough to realise time marches on.

Also concerned friends will feel it is too soon but then they are not the one at home alone.

Ho Hum???

What to do?

OP posts:
ButterPasta · 08/07/2017 17:51

Most importantly your kids are grieving. I have friends and family who lost a parent at the age your children are and it hurt them and messed them up so very much. your dc will miss their mother just as they go out in the world to be gown ups themselves. they will never see their mum be a grandmother, what a sad loss. This is huge but you don't speak of their grief or what they might feel if their mother is that easily replaced.

GahBuggerit · 08/07/2017 17:52

Agree confused, that's what I was sort of saying, like it's about a subject far less complicated than wanting to crack on with finding another woman asap after a very short space of time when there's still young kids involved. It's all a bit.........strange

Ginlovinglady · 08/07/2017 17:52

And in your first post you do not mention your children ONCE
Christ almighty

ButterPasta · 08/07/2017 17:54

But i very much suspect that you will go head and couple up with this woman anyway.

Question how would your wife feel if she knew you are romantically invoked with her bff?

"And in your first post you do not mention your children ONCE "

So very many older men are like this. Utterly focused on themselves.

GahBuggerit · 08/07/2017 17:55

Yep, concerned about how it will look to friends but not a single mention about the kids.

Ho hum indeed.

ButterPasta · 08/07/2017 17:56

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

leghoul · 08/07/2017 17:57

I think the right thing to do would be to wait until your youngest child has finished A levels and taken up a place at university or whatever else it is they are doing.

To them this could be extremely hurtful, even if they've known her for a very long time. If you've grown close then adding more time won't be a problem for her. I think 6 months is rushing it.

GahBuggerit · 08/07/2017 17:57

Me too.

BloodWorries · 08/07/2017 17:57

I don't understand the time limits to be honest.

OP's not talking about moving her in and making the kids call her mum (I hope). OP's asking if/when we think they can make a move, or if actually they really shouldn't. Clearly OP is thinking things through, and being cautious but is still grieving.

In your place I'd take some time to think about why I like that person, if I'm just lonely and they are around and 'available' or if there are real feelings.

Maybe start meeting more often from friend things, coffee, cinema trips, meals out etc and see how it goes. Maybe talk to her about your not sure if you should start dating again, is it's too soon, etc and see how she reacts.

You are well aware that no one lives forever and I hate all the beating around the bush myself. I'm shit at saying no (human doormat right here) and even worse at pushing myself, but in your shoes I'm not sure I could hold that information in.

ludothedog · 08/07/2017 17:58

I don't think troll. sadly it happens all the time.

Finola1step · 08/07/2017 17:59

From your first post, I thought that any children would be much, much older. Not at such a delicate age as late teens/ A levels. I urge you to priortise your children.

ButterPasta · 08/07/2017 18:00

"I don't understand the time limits to be honest."
Why? Time heals. When the children's' grief is less raw and the op has actually grieved his dear wife then it would be easier all around. people have feelings, deep feelings where close daily are involved.

ButterPasta · 08/07/2017 18:03

"I don't think troll. sadly it happens all the time."
I know. but would they post on MN about it Grin

maybe they should.

diddl · 08/07/2017 18:04

" but then they are not the one at home alone."

So is it just that you don't want to be left alone & your wife's friend just happens to be there?

Tbh it reads to me as if anyone would do for you.

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/07/2017 18:05

I'm always amazed at how quickly a lot of bereaved men move on. I suppose it's a function of the way men's and women's roles are.

However teenagers can be fragile and very emotionally delicate. They've lost their mum at a time they really needed her.

Be very careful about the feelings. Are they lust, love, friendship, loneliness...

DimsieMaitland · 08/07/2017 18:05

When I was 18 my boyfriends (also 18) Mum died. His Dad started dating again within a few months, and got married very quickly. It was awful for my boyfriend and his younger sister. They felt totally sidelined and abandoned. Their Dad didn't consider their feelings and completely prioritised his new wife's feelings. Their Mum was never talked about, photos of her were put away. He didn't help them with their grief at all. It was very, very damaging in lots of different ways. Please be careful not to make the same mistakes.

This was my friend's experience too - she started university less than a year after the death of her mother, and by the end of her first year her DF was remarried and had moved out of their family home.
I don't think my friend ever really recovered emotionally and mentally from this. She felt utterly abandoned by her father who seemed to think that because she was technically an adult he didn't have to take her into account.

lanouvelleheloise · 08/07/2017 18:07

I am so very sorry for your loss.

If you were a friend of mine, I'd tell you to wait. But the reason absolutely would NOT be that it would be wrong or disrespectful to your wife. I don't believe there is a timetable for such things. Rather, it's because grief is a huge, complex emotion and this woman is someone you clearly value highly as a friend. It's therefore a relationship you don't want to mess up.

Ginlovinglady · 08/07/2017 18:09

Blood what you say is very sensible
But sadly we have all seen how this tends to play out.
Even people getting together however casually soon after divorce is tough on kids.
I'm not saying you should sacrifice your life for your children, but they are young adults and lost their mum suddenly only 6 months ago.
And he's only in his 50s. He's not bloody 85 and reckoning on only a few more years to live.
Op I'm afraid to say your children should come first in this one. It's great that you and your wife's friend is around to help and give you all support.
If you change the nature of the relationship then you will damage your children, in that I have no doubt,
Just search on here for threads about exactly the same

ButterPasta · 08/07/2017 18:10

"I am so very sorry for your loss."
That's very kind of you to say lanouvelle.
I thought it really odd that OP mentioned nothing of his grief.

xotyl · 08/07/2017 18:10

So sorry for your loss.

6 months is not very long for you, family and friends to get used to the new state of being.

For any new relationship to stand a chance there will be emotions you will have to work out first.

If you are seriously feeling that you are falling for this friend then why not have an honest conversation with her along the lines of, ' I think I have feelings for you, but I think it maybe to soon'. She may put you right if she doesn't feel the same, or if she does you could agree to wait for while before acting on it.

At least you would know and your friendship does not have to be adversely effected if she doesn't share the same feelings.

wellhonestly · 08/07/2017 18:13

Sorry for your loss OP.

"They" do say that people with happy marriages whose partners die are quite keen to couple up again. So don't feel bad. But my advice is still to take it slowly and don't shut your kids out if you do get together with this lady.

JustAMusing · 08/07/2017 18:21

I can't see the problem with it myself.

I think a conversation is probably on the cards.

I think that you can discuss and decide to take it slowly.

I think that if you're announcing the wedding and moving her in before Christmas, then things have probably moved too fast.

I think you need to make sure that your feelings are protected, and those of children.

But exactly how long do people think he should wait?

It's potentially a relationship. It's potentially love and happiness. it's not disrespectful to anyone.

Butter because it isn't a thread about his grief. Perhaps he is handling that ok.

TeachesOfPeaches · 08/07/2017 18:23

Women mourn, men replace

ButterPasta · 08/07/2017 18:30

"Butter because it isn't a thread about his grief"
how do you know? it might be a hysterical reaction to his grief, who knows? He doesn't mention missing his wife, which is odd seeing they gad a great relationship.

SaltySeaDog72 · 08/07/2017 18:30

Blimey. Your kids must still be REELING...

I just couldn't. Your poor kids..