Wife died and falling for her friend?? Eeeek!!

[blueskiesrock]

Hi.

I had a great marriage for 26 years and my wife died suddenly and unexpectedly 6 months ago. Friends have been great and I feel very supported but still very lonely.

A good friend of my wife's (we have all been friends ever since my wife and I met) has been superb at helping and she has never been married. We have lots in common and I am starting to have feelings for her and I suspect she might be too, however I am worried that if I try to move things on and she doesn't feel the way I do I'd lose the friendship and make myself look silly. We are both in our fifties so old enough to realise time marches on.

Also concerned friends will feel it is too soon but then they are not the one at home alone.

Ho Hum???

What to do?

Look up widows fire. I'm not underestimating anything your feeling but it very common.

He said that his was an unhappy marriage so who is anyone to question that?

No he didn't.

who he has a relationship with and how this comes about is nobody's business.

Rather negates the whole point of posting it on MN in that case. Presumably opinions are exactly what he's after.

No. 6 months is FAR too soon - because you have children. Children at a very vulnerable age who have just lost their Mum.

You need to man it up and hold off for their sake.

If its meant to be, it will still happen in a few years time.

6 months isn't too soon and there is nothing wrong with your tone!

oh. And you'd be better being happy at being alone and welcoming someone to join your happy self rather than needing someone to be happy (if that makes sense)

I think you should go for it.

I think everyone expects men to move on.

I agree that 6 months is too soon when kids (even if they're teens) are involved. Take your time and see where your own head is in a few months rather than diving in head first and potentially upsetting your grieving kids.

How could anyone say their wife died unexpectedly 6 months ago and they were falling for someone else ..: "Eeeek". "Eeeek"? REALLY? FFS how bloody crass. Surely a troll?

I know a man who lost his wife in tragic circumstance. He ended up marrying her sister. One of his adult children was fine with this and the other did not accept it at all. They are still married 20 years on and seem happy. You need to do what makes you happy.

You need to do what makes you happy.

And to hell with how his kids react? Why the urgency with moving on with his love life? I realise he may find it disconcerting to be single after such a long relationship but is latching on to the first available person really a sensible move?

Your poor children

blue…. You were right to post the question which is bothering you, rather than a general ramble about grief, your children etc., though as you can see, some have judged you for this. I'd ignore those comments.

My wife died a few years ago, and I have children of similar ages to yours. There is no time limit for starting a new relationship, but in my view the important thing is that, before you try, you are confident you have come to terms with your loss and started to live in your new normal, instead of being stuck in the emotional bomb crater which is the lot of the recently bereaved and looking for someone either to pull you out or join you in it. This can take months, it can take years. Only you can make that decision. The downside of starting a new relationship too soon is that if it fails - which is quite likely - you will be back at square one with unresolved grief, made even worse by the loss of the new partner.

It's possible the feelings you refer to are not so much romantic as the joy of being cared about. The loss of this is one of the hardest blows the death of a spouse inflicts. My suggestion would be to proceed gently and see if this woman continues to involve herself in your life after you have ceased needing the help she now offers - 6 months was when the extra assistance I’d had in the early days started to drift away. See how things develop over the next few months. If she sticks around, choose your moment and ask the question. Even if the answer is not what you hoped, I’d guess she will understand, and the friendship can continue.

Should matters progress, I’m sure you will involve your children and consider their feelings, but it’s very possible their reaction will be ‘how great to see Dad happy again’. Friends…. who cares. It’s your life.

So ‘Women mourn, men replace’? 'Replace' is rather insulting. Widowed men go on to new relationships simply because they can (though I am still on my own). As far as many fifty-something unpartnered women are concerned, so long as he has dealt properly with his grief, a man widowed after 26 years of happy marriage is a rather better bet than an embittered, penniless divorcee or a never married, un-housetrained commitment phobe.

I think each bereaved person deals (or doesn't) with their feeling in the way that they can cope with, and it isn't for anyone else to say that's right or wrong.

Mt husband died 3 months ago (cancer, diagnosed about 10 months before he died). We'd only been together just under 6 years when he died, we couldn't have been happier, we'd just decided to get married a few months before his diagnosis. We were going to grow old together. I was utterly devestated at his diagnosis and subsequent death. I ache for him and the place he had in my life.
I KNOW, with a deep certainty, that I want another relationship in my life that fulfills my emotional, intellectual and physical needs as my relationship with my late husband did.
I'm not actively looking, but to be honest if someone who appealed to me came knocking at my door (which I find extremely unlikely) that I can't be sure that would turn them away.

I think you do need to have regard to your children and their grief, but you also need to have regard to yourself.

I agree that it would be very hurtful to the children to start a new relationship so soon.
However, I also think that after such a long marriage 6 months is far too soon anyway- the OP is mistaking kindness/proximity for love- this person who he already knew is being nice to him and he is floundering around emotionally and has fixed on the nearest available suitable object. I bet this poor woman would be mortified.

There was a column in the guardian which ran for about a year, widower of the parish, written by a man in a similar situation, he discussed his thoughts around starting a new relationship, suggest you read that OP.

Eeeek!!

No judgement here, just my own experience. I lost my husband two years ago and met a new partner six months after his death. I used him as a distraction from my grief, I was lonely and craved company and sex. This made me quite vulnerable and unfortunately my new partner used this to his own advantage and it was a very unhealthy relationship. It finally ended after nine months and I was left devastated, the loss triggered a huge grief reaction for my husband and my new partner. Just be aware that at six months your feelings are still quite numb.

Six months ago his wife died suddenly... I can't square that with the flippant tone both of the title and post.

SongForSal at 18.45 has it spot on I think. Worth a re read OP?

Also concerned friends will feel it is too soon but then they are not the one at home alone

This sentence jumped out at me because there's a lot to unpick here.

Six months is no time at all. Are you really looking for love again, or is there a part of you who really just wants a new wife to take over the tasks you've found yourself having to do since your wife died?

There's some unnecessarily judgey - and frankly rather uninformed - posts on this thread. It's not shocking/disrespectful to late wife/crass to feel attracted to someone else six months after the death of a spouse. People posting that - have you ever gone through six celibate months without fancying someone?

Thankfully there is some good advice on here too, and I hope OP read it. Not mistaking the feelings of friendship and support for something more romantic... though I have to say that friendship isn't a bad place to start a relationship. The support needs to be mutual though, not entirely one sided. And certainly then if anything develops, taking it carefully to start with, and above all else considering the feelings of dependant children - they may need time to adjust. (Then again, they may be thrilled they don't have to worry about their dear old dad's loneliness any more, and that might not be a consideration at all.)

A year and a half ago I posted on this very board when I was attracted to someone wonderful for the first time after losing my husband. It was too awkward to talk to anyone IRL, until I got braver - in part because of the advice/support/ handholding here. So I can understand what could be OP's motivation.

I can't speak to his words/tone, but this implication that just because someone is grieving they should be entirely solemn about everything is ridiculous.

I'm glad you saw this thread and posted Somerville.

Lovely comments WhollyFather.
I suspect the OP, although appearing flippant in writing will still be in a 'grief' zone where some realities may not have really hit yet and apparent 'casual' comments are simply an internal defense mechanism.
Reading through MN posts (generally) it is obvious that men and women think differently and attach alternative 'priorities' to situations. Yes 6 months for suggesting a 'relationship' is probably too soon and even more important the consideration for the 'children' but we don't know what the 'friendship' situation is currently and how involved this lady may already have been with helping the children grieve.

My mum died when I was 10. Within 5 months my (step) dad had a new girlfriend. That didn't last. But a further 9 months later, he had a new fiancée, their friend and ex wife of his old work colleague. I was only 11/12 and we had a difficult relationship so I had to go along with it, but even at that age, I found the whole situation absolutely selfish towards my brother and I, and so disrespectful to my mum. I don't mean to sound judgmental. Your kids are older, perhaps it's better. Or perhaps since they're older, it could be far worse. Just trying give an "informed" input, for want of a better word.

I agree totally Somerville. To the outside world six months seems like a short period of time. But when you're grieving, waking up alone every morning and going to sleep alone every night, six months can feel like forever. Sexual desire can heighten rather than disappear after experiencing such a traumatic loss. At the end of the day, whether it is six months or six years, there will be people with opinions who get to cuddle up with their partner every evening while you're alone. Do what is right for you and your children.