DH has just done something he's never ever done before

[sleepingonthesparebed]

Called 111 about his own DS without thrusting the phone at me or staring at me in utter bafflement when I seek out of hours medical help for the DC.

He's even just given DS calpol without asking for my help and taken him to the OOH appointment just now, on his own. This is a big thing for DH.

Now I just need to work on these things with him:

-not just buying what he needs from the supermarket and forgetting everything else even if he has a list

-not buggering off in his Lycra on another flaming bike ride when the DC and I are expecting to spend time with him

-him being more proactive and involved with getting the DC to bed

-him arranging childcare, packed lunches and signing letters from school (steady on!)

-only taking his stuff from the laundry basket
and leaving it on top of the washing machine 'to be washed'

• tidying up the kitchen while I'm still cooking and putting the things I'm going to use away before I've had a chance to use them

• telling the DC to eat their veg but leaving his on the side of his plate

-not staring at me and DS in abject frozen horror when DS is screaming and won't sleep but instead actually offering kind soothing words and cuddles and help with the bedtime routine.

He can be such an insensitive selfish tosser at times. Other times he completely lovely.

Currently the improvement plan is work in progress but at least with the OOH incident I have a glimmer of hope for the future.

Please share your tales of similar DH tosspotterty and how you (and they) overcame them. LTB isn't an option but was considered at 3.26 this morning when the fucker refused to move or help with screaming baby.

Why did he refuse to help with the baby this morning?

That's a long list of issues that you want to change and if he won't willingly do any of it (even though it's all stuff a partner should do without having to ask them!) then you have to ask yourself can anyone change that much?

Have you thought about couples counselling?

I have thought about counselling but haven't quite plucked up the courage to do anything about it. This is a second marriage for both of us and my 2 DC from #1 live with us and his DD from his #1 lives nearby with her mum. I'm just scared that this all shows that this relationship could be going down the pan too, I suppose.

If those are your only issues you should consider yourself lucky imo

- tidying up the kitchen while I'm still cooking and putting the things I'm going to use away before I've had a chance to use them

I feel your pain, but at least he's trying to tidy up around you.

Your list reminds me why I am very happily manless! Clearly you love the guy so good luck with your "campaign"

If those are your only issues you should consider yourself lucky imo

Just because he's not knocking seven shades of shit out of her, doesn't mean she should be grateful and accept his woefully poor behaviour - it's 2017 after all.

Fuck me that's a massive list. How can you respect someone who is that useless?

Yes, deliberate helplessness - something men seem able to put a lot of effort into when they won't put effort into changing this.

I would say LTB as I am an old fart and now see most men of my age as behaving like this when it is probably too late to change things (the other option would be to face old age alone which is daunting but might be the best plan in the long run ).

Yeah ok I get that he could be worse. He's not violent and not shagging elsewhere and not so many other things but he's also not a great help at all in the house or with the kids and I really am on my knees here with very little sleep because the fucker doesn't think he ought to help or support me look after our son when he's poorly.

I really have to spell things out to him when I would expect him to be a bit more proactive and thoughtful. I don't think this is expecting too much.

I mean, I asked him to call 111 and he dithered and dithered and said he didn't know what the number was......

Sorry, but he sounds awful.

nope sorry, I LTB and got one who can do things a normal grown up (man or woman) can do.

I find learned helplessness really unattractive, revolting really

You cannot make him change, and by starting this 'campaign' youre trying to do just that. Sadly, it won't work and you'll end up stressed and upset. The only thing that will work is him deciding to change and doing it.

How can you want to shag someone who is such a pathetic manchild?

Why do women put up with these poor specimens? And then moan but do nothing about it or even worse marry them....

FFS.

LTB should always be an option.
That's what you and him should know.
He doesn't do any of that because he knows you won't leave.

The veg thing resonates with me also!

Other tasks:
-complain about bin needing emptying but not emptying it
-wash his stuff up, but leaves other things to be washed
(Can't think,of anything else at the moment)

I am right in assuming this was meant to be a light hearted thread, but somehow has got more serious?

My mother's friend is now seriously ill and her useless at home husband is probably more of a hindrance than of any support.
Could you count on your OH if you got ill?

OP - why are you with this loser?
I despair at some of these posts.

I made a bad decision of getting married and having children with a NARC - I exited that relationship (with her) after a few years. It was bloody hard and has ramifications now. But I left.
Get out of the relationship - your life will be 10000% better.

Yes this was a bit light hearted to start with but I think got swept away into something more serious.

I do believe I could count on him if I was ill, and that the kids would be fine with him on his own if I was in hospital or something. They might not have clean school uniform but they'd be well fed.

FYI there's no shagging involved as I'm too bloody knackered and have absolutely no libido whatsoever regardless of how helpful he is or isn't in the house.

I just think he needs to wake up to the impact that some of his thoughtless actions are having on the rest of us and on our relationship. That's is not to say that all of his actions are thoughtless; he's just a bit useless when it comes to thinking on his feet and being practical at home. He's a bit like his own dad I suppose. Am feeling great sympathy for the MIL now...

Please don't praise him for calling 111. I know you were being dry but his behaviour sounds absolutely disgusting and you need to give him the row of his life. If things don't get better after that LTB, pronto.

Astonished at this idea that he's a paragon of virtue because he's not beating OP senseless or having an affair. I'm not bashing my husband around or having an affair, where's my medal?

He sounds utterly useless, OP. Can't link it at the moment but you might want to take a look at the Incompetent Husband threads from Relationships.

I don't believe a man has to earn seven figures or ride around saving princesses from dragons, but God I expect a man not to be a completely useless overgrown baby.

I'll probably get told off for drip feeding but PND doesn't really help. And yes, I am on meds.

I couldn't put up with someone that useless. I'd have no respect for him at all. He'd have been shown the door.

PND doesn't change any of those things imo. Leaving his washing on top of the machine ahead of everyone else's is sheer contempt.

Why have you allowed it to get to the stage that he doesn't contribute to the family. Go away for a weekend and leave him to look after the DC's and sort out the house, laundry, cooking etc.

I deliberately haven't praised him for taking our son to the doctors or anything like that. I refuse to. It's his fucking job. He's not doing anything extra that deserves praise for going 'above and beyond'. I've made that clear to him before.

When I've been ill (after some sharp words from me on the matter) he ended up taking time off to look after DS, which was also a first. I deliberately didn't praise him for that either. I'm not fucking stupid. Just really, really, really tired of all family related things seeming to default to me.