DH has just done something he's never ever done before

[sleepingonthesparebed]

Called 111 about his own DS without thrusting the phone at me or staring at me in utter bafflement when I seek out of hours medical help for the DC.

He's even just given DS calpol without asking for my help and taken him to the OOH appointment just now, on his own. This is a big thing for DH.

Now I just need to work on these things with him:

-not just buying what he needs from the supermarket and forgetting everything else even if he has a list

-not buggering off in his Lycra on another flaming bike ride when the DC and I are expecting to spend time with him

-him being more proactive and involved with getting the DC to bed

-him arranging childcare, packed lunches and signing letters from school (steady on!)

-only taking his stuff from the laundry basket
and leaving it on top of the washing machine 'to be washed'

• tidying up the kitchen while I'm still cooking and putting the things I'm going to use away before I've had a chance to use them

• telling the DC to eat their veg but leaving his on the side of his plate

-not staring at me and DS in abject frozen horror when DS is screaming and won't sleep but instead actually offering kind soothing words and cuddles and help with the bedtime routine.

He can be such an insensitive selfish tosser at times. Other times he completely lovely.

Currently the improvement plan is work in progress but at least with the OOH incident I have a glimmer of hope for the future.

Please share your tales of similar DH tosspotterty and how you (and they) overcame them. LTB isn't an option but was considered at 3.26 this morning when the fucker refused to move or help with screaming baby.

OP - are you married to my DP?
My DP isn't helpless, he just isn't around half the time to do stuff, and now I know why - he's at yours!
Keeping the light- hearted theme, my DP:

moves things around on surfaces so that they are straight/ symmetrical.
Puts cups and glasses right on the edge of the table (sometimes overhanging a bit)
Moans about the mess, when it's all HIS stuff
Leaves the back door open (cold) when he goes out.
When my phone rings, presses 'ANSWER' and then hands the phone to me, whatever I am doing.
I'm stopping now, because I don't feel quite so light-hearted anymore.

Ime depressions was linked to feeling trapped and not being able to leave a situation due to fog or similar.
I wonder if it is affecting your depression as it's very hard to make life changing decisions to leave when you have DCs.

Is he stepdad? You mention your dc from previous marriage but not if you have any together.

In his defence if he's stepdad then could he be worried about boundaries? I wouldn't phone 111 for sdc, i don't have pr and therefore can't make decisions, and would feel uncomfortable if i was asked to, as i know "are you mum/dad" would come up. Same with childcare and signing school stuff, and i'd defer to dh with bedtime etc.

228 - yes, bins too! Thank you for your comment - I was looking for something lighthearted to lift me this morning after no sleep rather than be told in no uncertain terms that's he's a cocklodger.

Supersop - I think we share a DH! Yes to the straightening of things even though his idea of tidying is also to dump everything on my desk in the study, even if it's his stuff.

Really - he's SD to my DC who live with us but dad to our DS, so PR isn't an issue. I think it's a "there's a small screaming bundle of baby in my house and I don't know what to do with it" problem, even though he has a teenage daughter of his own. Maybe I should be having a chat and swapping tips with his XW about what he was like with their daughter as a baby.

Does he work? If so i doubt he behaves like this at work. He just thinks you're there to do all the house and kid stuff. He's acting like a massive cock about it so you stop asking him to do stuff. Hard to be lighthearted when he's walking all over you and doesnt see a problem with the fact that you're the default parent and housekeeper even though you have pnd. Men are just as capable of looking after children, and a decent man would want to. He's not a decent man.

I have one of this breed of DH around here, here's how I'm dealing with it. I'm pissing off alone to the other side of the world for a fortnight to sit with ma wee granny.

I have it on good authority that my switched-on 6yo will survive just fine without me. I started out by writing out several pages of notes to help Dad cope (with normal adult household tasks), together with a color-coded calendar, etc. Then I thought, bollocks to that. Let him hunt around for the sparkly magic wand he assumes came with my role as SAHM. And let me add, he works from home, so has seen me in action 24/7 for nearly 7 years.

Instead I've been training my kid to read use-by dates, which bits of school kit don't go in the drier, where all the key phone numbers are, and which pack of painkillers she's allowed to have, etc.

There's always Facetime and neighbours if things go a bit wrong. Sometimes a short sharp shock is all you've got left, right?

If those are your only issues you should consider yourself lucky imo

And this attitude is why so many women are run ragged and exhausted and their careers /health/mental health/personal fulfilment suffer, while so many men get to piss about looking at their phones and scratching their balls or helping themselves to all the child-free leisure time they fancy, while someone else takes responsibility for everything.

It's not an accident you know - men cultivate this incompetent attitude because society encourages them to, and some women even encourage them to, and they get away with it.

It DOES matter and you should not be grateful for a few crumbs of usefulness that still don't add up to his share.

Though I agree with PPs that it's very hard to get someone like this to change - it works for him.

My "campaign" went on for years and while I did get him to do more, it was never, ever as much as his share and he never, ever actually took the initiative - I still had the mental load and all the responsibility.

I LTB for this reason among others. The annoying thing is that still means I'm run ragged as a single parent, but I couldn't love or respect him any more.

Does he work? If so i doubt he behaves like this at work.

Exactly. How many of these men stare at their boss in abject incomprehension and then do approx 10% of what they've been tasked with and then fuck off on a bike ride on work time?

Not many because then they wouldn't have a job and they know it.

"He's a bit like his own dad I suppose. Am feeling great sympathy for the MIL now..."

But she enabled him too as you are doing now with your H.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What is in this for you?.

Is he this deliberately incompetent at work; probably not. He sees this really as your work to do and that is why he is crap at it or chooses not to do it. What he is showing you here is a basic lack of respect.

I would read this:-

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Seriously, you don't have to put up with this. You won't put on this earth to work harder than him, or to take all the responsibility for family matters, that's utter ball shit. Some people have very low expectations of penis owners, fuck that. Tell him to pull his weight. You shouldn't have to explain simple things to a grown man and you certainly shouldn't praise him for doing said simple things, that's ridiculous and it feeds into the cycle.

Tell him that he needs to pull his weight and be firm if he doesn't, don't put up with this.

The lycra would be the deal breaker for me.

He
Sounds awful how on earth do you put up with it.
Like being married to a child, I'd hate that!
Why do women marry incompetent men thinking they'd make great husbands and dads. Baffling

He's not violent and not shagging elsewhere

That's the standard for a decent partner now ? Thank god I am single.

It's not lighthearted/ a joke. It's shitty to have such a giant child of a partner and rightly should give you the rage. No wonder you have depression OP.

All those things you describe OP make him a hindrance not a help - an irritant rather than a support. He is a selfish cock who has zero respect for you.

Kind of him to sort his laundry, saves you the job of separating it from yours when yours goes in the machine..........

Instead I've been training my kid to read use-by dates, which bits of school kit don't go in the drier, where all the key phone numbers are, and which pack of painkillers she's allowed to have, etc.

This is key really.

In amongst all this "harmless" gender stereotyping so many boys don't learn this stuff. They like trucks and wheels, not playing with the washing machine, girls prefer that sort of stuff, being like mummy.

Mil has told me many many times how much her grand dd loves staying with her, she gives her her own duster and they clean together, hang out the washing together. Her grand ds is allowed to sit on his video games, but girls don't like that.

Explains a lot regarding dh. When you've spent 30 years getting on with your "boy stuff" while your clothes magically wash, dry and iron themselves, and your food is cooked an on the table, barely interrupting minecraft, it's a massive change to start thinking about and planning all that stuff as routine.

Otoh my sisters dh's mum left at a young age. He has a much younger sister. It's second nature for him to switch the dishwasher on after dinner, wipe the surfaces as he goes past, shove a load of laundry on if he notices a pile in front of the washing machine, grab the hoover if there's crumbs in the carpet. My sister, when they first got together, didn't even realise he was doing all this, she genuinely thought her house just stayed clean longer after she'd done it.

If those are your only issues you should consider yourself lucky imo

Fuck me your bar is low.

OP this isn't lighthearted at all and of course you can LTB. You will anyway sometimes down the line when you realise your 'project' is never going to work because he's a selfish, self obsessed man child who doesn't care that he leaves all the grunt work to you because he thinks it's your job and he's better and more important than you.

A lot of that stuf is for children that aren't his - bedtimes, lunches, school letters, leisure time with them...

I have a fiancé who will be stepdad to my daughter. He's brought up two children since his mother died and pitches in all the time - he sees us all as family. If I asked him to do her bedtime he would. If he saw I was tired he'd offer to do it. If I was going out, he'd assume he'd do it. BUT we both would see it as my responsibility.

Are you both aligned on expectations of step parenting?

There are so many threads like this. If I had write a list of what my DH refuses to do/can't do I'd be here all day and it makes me feel panicky - I do hope to LTB.

I used to have a selfish useless moronic dh just like yours and after years of trying to get him to act like a grown up I left him a couple of months ago.

Now I get 2 days a week child free and he has been forced to step up a bit, I am a lot less stressed and frustrated, the house is cleaner and I realise I was an utter mug to put up with a middle aged dickhead in a star wars t-shirt for as long as I did.

Sorry op, but your 'campaign' is gonna be a long one and his level of sheer dumbass idiocy will eventually kill your love and respect for him.

My husband thinks he's in the military, everything is to the minute i.e. 6:07 20k walk 8:15 ds breakfast etc if it's not done to the time he turns into the ex Liverpool manager with the hand and watch the time gestures, he times our showers if I'm washing my hair and longer then 7 minutes he will turn off the boiler and leave me to wash my hair in icy cold water,when we catch the train or bus we have to be 30 minutes early.

In all honesty for now delegate some specific chores to him iethe family washing and/ or meal planning and shopping, this means no helping/bailing out so he takes on full responsibility for it. Food not bought his problem to sol e etc. Book in family time on the calendar and make it clear him going off is not acceptable.

Buy a copy of wifework and read it...