DH has just done something he's never ever done before

[sleepingonthesparebed]

Called 111 about his own DS without thrusting the phone at me or staring at me in utter bafflement when I seek out of hours medical help for the DC.

He's even just given DS calpol without asking for my help and taken him to the OOH appointment just now, on his own. This is a big thing for DH.

Now I just need to work on these things with him:

-not just buying what he needs from the supermarket and forgetting everything else even if he has a list

-not buggering off in his Lycra on another flaming bike ride when the DC and I are expecting to spend time with him

-him being more proactive and involved with getting the DC to bed

-him arranging childcare, packed lunches and signing letters from school (steady on!)

-only taking his stuff from the laundry basket
and leaving it on top of the washing machine 'to be washed'

• tidying up the kitchen while I'm still cooking and putting the things I'm going to use away before I've had a chance to use them

• telling the DC to eat their veg but leaving his on the side of his plate

-not staring at me and DS in abject frozen horror when DS is screaming and won't sleep but instead actually offering kind soothing words and cuddles and help with the bedtime routine.

He can be such an insensitive selfish tosser at times. Other times he completely lovely.

Currently the improvement plan is work in progress but at least with the OOH incident I have a glimmer of hope for the future.

Please share your tales of similar DH tosspotterty and how you (and they) overcame them. LTB isn't an option but was considered at 3.26 this morning when the fucker refused to move or help with screaming baby.

Some people have seriously low expectations.

i don't think I would be able to become aroused by a man who displays these traits

I read these threads and thank god my mil (although not officially as I've not married her son) taught her boys that cooking, cleaning, washing clothes, making appointments and all that....is just what adults do!! Although as a single full time working, mum of three boys it was probably that or living in utter chaos.

Does your DH, know you're working on these issues?
My boyfriend had some issues when we had DD, not linked to not helping but bonding wise. It did take me saying it was over to get him to really see how serious it was, but after that it helped him to have set responsibilities in a way. Difficult to explain....but bedtime became his thing to do and I stepped back so he did it alone and his way. If something didn't work it was for him to resolve.
That idea might work for you too..

user1499282478
He sounds dreadful, and you don't have to put with any of that.

I am bewildered that there are men like this, and women facilitate it.
He sounds like a waste of space, and you need to have a good long chat. In your shoes if this didn't improve o would indeed leave him

User. Turning the water cold while you are showering is not normal nor is it acceptable behaviour. It's very controlling.

tinypop...me too...bewildered that women facilitate this behaviour then go on line and moan about ' their hopeless husbands'.

No one is hopeless..i bet the OPs dh can use a washing machine - he must have once upon a time....women become martyrs and men learn that pretending they cannot do something means the martyr will do it for them.

Stop , just stop...so he leaves his own dirty washing on top of machine to 'be washed' well just leave it there...don't do it.
He goes off on bike rides...well go off yourself...

I do not buy into the idea we have to delegate, give a task, and reward our DHs for doing it...ffs..they are adults not children.

I was that martyr in my first marriage..one day just couldnt handle the pressure of ft work and ft domestic management ...so just stopped doing everything for everyone....
cue cries of ' were's my clean pants..' to which i answered ' i don't know'...refused to enagage in helping look for things, do things etc

it took precisely 1 week for exdh and dds to step up and become basically self sufficient. Of course they knew how to do things they were allowing me to do it because i would....

so my advice...just stop being a martyr

Wow that list is way too long for me even to continue in the relationship if I were you.

It takes all sorts of martyrs tho to make the world go round.

Dear god what is wrong with some of these men ? I've been single for years. Some of my friends have hinted maybe my standards are too high.

I read shit like this and I think thank fuck I have standards. Because I'd rather be alone than put up with some of the stuff I read here that people don't even seem to realise isn't ok.

Fuck me.

Is he an arse or does his brain just work differently?

reallyanotherone - it did occur to me when I did an end-run around DH to teach DD the key household basics that it wasn't the feminist dream. But actually I checked with myself, and I know I would have done the exact same with a son.

Also, as well as being the chief Holder of Mental Load for child and home, I'm the main source of income (through inheritance and personal property investments). So maybe not the total 1950's stereotype!

In essence I agree with you, channeling kids into (and out of) certain activities based on gender is insidious. Your example of a MIL who loves sharing domestic cleaning tasks with a gdd is sad and regrettable in 2017 to me. At least she's not teaching her to serve her brother, eh?

Is he an arse or does his brain just work differently?

This can be easily answered by looking at his behaviour at work and in other contexts.

My ex will shift heaven and earth do to whatever it takes to impress his cool arty friends. He'll learn a new skill if it means people will admire him for it. He has no problem multitasking at work and somehow not forgetting to book and catch a flight to a conference, write a paper for the conference, or organise meeting up with key colleagues at the conference.

The exact same skills he would need to do all the school admin for example, yet he never did that because it was "confusing" or he "forgot".

For years I bought his bullshit that he was "forgetful" and "couldn't think about more than one thing at a time" - until I realised that a) this only applied to domestic stuff, and b) his forgetfulness always mysteriously seemed to work in his favour.

This is why living alone is ace. OK I have all the chores, but I don't have the dragging resentment of a full-grown adult who could help but doesn't. The lift of that mental load was the best thing ever.

Good communication is the key in a relationship, often I read posts where a woman wishes she didn't have to spell out to her OH what she needs them to do.

Whilst I understand why that is the ideal situation, I don't see the issue with being clear about what needs doing, how and by whom if it makes life better and helps prevent resentment building up.

While I understand the idea of not praising your DH for dealing with the child's medical needs knowing that you appreciate it when he does get more involved will encourage him to do more, probably.

I'm not sure if it's common or not but my DW has a habit of picking fault with how I do things, when the DCs were little she would criticise and take over whatever I was doing, it was lovely when I got to look after them on my own one day a week when she returned to work. Even now I do my chores when she isn't around or I will be told what is wrong with my methods of doing stuff.

My sister had one of these. Notice the use of the word had.

She spent about 10 years trying to make him "see". He fucking saw all right. He saw that his life would be much easier if she did it all. He saw her running herself ragged and was very happy about it. She thought if only she could come up with a way to make him understand that she did everything then he would suddenly start doing his share. He did understand perfectly. He saw it every day. She was the one who didn't understand that he was happy with her doing it all. And yes to the "forgetfulness" working in his favour every single time.

She finally got rid and her life got much easier with only herself and 2 children to take care of. He was devastated and spent years begging her to take him back while not bothering to see the children because it was too painful for him. More like because he had no clue how to look after the children because he had never actually done it, even when he lived in the same house as them.

She looks back now and is frustrated at how long she spent trying to make him "get it". When he "got it" perfectly and she was the one who didn't actually "get it" all along.

This sounds just like mine and I have often wondered if he is slightly autistic.He just seems to march to a different drum. Picture this if you will.............. When DM was dying we brought her home but had to put the bed in the dining room with screens to separate it from the kitchen.
The family are gathered around unconscious mother as we wait for the priest to arrive to give last rites. All is quiet except for the sound of DH rummaging in potato basket and getting out the chip pan. "what are you doing" says I.
"Just making my dinner," says DH
Before putting his potato back and silently backing out of the kitchen.
Sometimes no words are needed

"Whilst I understand why that is the ideal situation, I don't see the issue with being clear about what needs doing, how and by whom if it makes life better and helps prevent resentment building up".

Why is it your wife's responsibility to set out what needs doing, HarmlessChap?

That is exactly what people mean when they talk about the "mental load". Your post demonstrates it perfectly.

"Yeah ok I get that he could be worse. He's not violent and not shagging elsewhere"

Jesus. And they say that feminism has won all its battles.....

Yeah mine did this. My divorce lawyer is called Joyce. Lovely woman.

Now he parades around like he's king of the hill as he learnt to use the washing machine.

I've done the washing, defrosted dinner, laid the table - it all gets trotted out for praise.

Chores get split 50/50 - that's life. Nobody should get out of them or expect praise when doing it.

I'm sick of the constant chore battle now.

Yes, mental load. Bloody great phrase.

My sister had one of these. Notice the use of the word had.

She spent about 10 years trying to make him "see". He fucking saw all right. He saw that his life would be much easier if she did it all. He saw her running herself ragged and was very happy about it. She thought if only she could come up with a way to make him understand that she did everything then he would suddenly start doing his share. He did understand perfectly. He saw it every day. She was the one who didn't understand that he was happy with her doing it all. And yes to the "forgetfulness" working in his favour every single time........ She looks back now and is frustrated at how long she spent trying to make him "get it". When he "got it" perfectly and she was the one who didn't actually "get it" all along

This .

Your hisbands actions are not thoughtless OP. They are a very clever, well thought through and effective strategy for getting his own way.

Although my bf does do one thing that drives me mad.....he always asks what he should put DD on, clothing wise. I wouldn't mind if I was particularly picky or into really girly stuff or anything but I'm not.
Although the other day when I said anything he put her in a dress with tights, it was a really warm day

Why do women enable these awful men?

There are threads like this all the time . And there always will be while children are being shown that this is how relationships are.

Good communication is the key in a relationship, often I read posts where a woman wishes she didn't have to spell out to her OH what she needs them to do. Whilst I understand why that is the ideal situation, I don't see the issue with being clear about what needs doing, how and by whom if it makes life better and helps prevent resentment building up

Oh harmlesschap :(

Can't you see that you're just illustrating how deeply embedded it is in your brain that it's for her to know what needs doing and give you your instructions? Why is that?

Yes, communication matters but it's 2-way. Why should it be one person's the woman's job to know everything that needs doing and have to delegate? Even your username illustrates that "oh happy-go-lucky little old me, I'm no trouble but my wife seems permanently annoyed, why doesn't she just tell me what needs doing?" attitude.

Who told her what needs doing to run a house and raise kids? Because you know, she wasn't born knowing all that. She just has a brain and a sense of adult responsibility. You could have that too and you could communicate with each other about what needs doing.

I sometimes used to ask ex to do something like unblock the sink, or get someone in to fix the loose roof tile.

I would get "But I don't know how to do that"

You know what ex, there was a time when I didn't know how to do a million crappy little household maintenance tasks either! You know what? I TAUGHT MYSELF. I LOOKED IT UP. I ASKED FOR ADVICE.

exactly, petalhead.

My first husband certainly had that low benchmark for what a "good" relationship looked like. When I finally had enough and divorced him, he was utterly bewildered and said to me with a straight face, "but why do you want a divorce? I didn't shag around on you". To him, that was the only reason a woman could possibly want to leave a relationship. His cocklodging, freeloading, lying, laziness, passive-aggression, emotional abuse, occasional threat of violence and utter disinclination to do any domestic task didn't seem to him to be an adequate exaplanation, despite our having gone to therapy where this was all explained to him.

A PP was also correct when she said that it was me that didn't get it - that's spot on. He had nothing to get - it was working just fine for him, other than the fact that I was soul destroyingly unhappy.