DH has just done something he's never ever done before

[sleepingonthesparebed]

Called 111 about his own DS without thrusting the phone at me or staring at me in utter bafflement when I seek out of hours medical help for the DC.

He's even just given DS calpol without asking for my help and taken him to the OOH appointment just now, on his own. This is a big thing for DH.

Now I just need to work on these things with him:

-not just buying what he needs from the supermarket and forgetting everything else even if he has a list

-not buggering off in his Lycra on another flaming bike ride when the DC and I are expecting to spend time with him

-him being more proactive and involved with getting the DC to bed

-him arranging childcare, packed lunches and signing letters from school (steady on!)

-only taking his stuff from the laundry basket
and leaving it on top of the washing machine 'to be washed'

• tidying up the kitchen while I'm still cooking and putting the things I'm going to use away before I've had a chance to use them

• telling the DC to eat their veg but leaving his on the side of his plate

-not staring at me and DS in abject frozen horror when DS is screaming and won't sleep but instead actually offering kind soothing words and cuddles and help with the bedtime routine.

He can be such an insensitive selfish tosser at times. Other times he completely lovely.

Currently the improvement plan is work in progress but at least with the OOH incident I have a glimmer of hope for the future.

Please share your tales of similar DH tosspotterty and how you (and they) overcame them. LTB isn't an option but was considered at 3.26 this morning when the fucker refused to move or help with screaming baby.

I'd love to see his list.

My husband insists on doing his own laundry. Drives me mad, just the two of us now and I can't stand the waste of water and electricity as we never seem to have a full load.

I must be unusual as I also do the bins, I can't remember him emptying a bin but maybe he has when I was ill.

Why can't he wash your clothes with his?

Many men were raised without the slightest clue how to run a home

This assumption that women are taught (always by their mothers!) in childhood is baffling.

Plus the connected implication that there must be some sort of time-critical window in pre-teen or teen years where you are either aided in your development of the skills or are doomed to be forever incapable.

Utterly, utterly tedious.

BertrandRussell
What utterly baffles me is the number of women enabling this juvenile behaviour and having such low expectations of men but it's feminists who get called "man haters"!

Absolutely agree. I don't hate men, I've known and loved some great ones, both in relationships and as friends. I think it's an insult to call these blobs men.

In addition they are perpetrating their pathetic behaviour by passing it on to their children who grow up knowing no different. Until women refuse to accept this I see no hope of change.

Yes, why can't he wash both sets of clothes together?

"Many men were raised without the slightest clue how to run a home"

So? They were probably raised without the slightest clue how to do lots of things that they do every day in adult life. What's stopping them learning?

"I don't know how to do this-show me how" is fine. "I don't know how to do this-so you do it for evermore" Not fine.

Many men were raised without the slightest clue how to run a home

I wasn't raised to learn to drive a car or operate a certain piece of machinery at work. I learned to do both as an adult and gained certificates of proficiency in both. I'm pretty sure the average man could do the same.

Yes, it's more a case of men being raised to think running the household is someone else's problem.

Many men were raised without the slightest clue how to run a home"

I wasn't. I also wasn't taught how to burp a child. Or feed one. Or find it's balled up school trousers behind the radiator. Or keep a constant running mental tally of how much fruit and veg it's had that day.

But I do all that. Because I'm not a dickhead.

it's more a case of men being raised to think running the household is someone else's problem

Yep.

I just typed something fabulous and insightful then pressed "report post" by mistake. I'll get me coat, sorry MNHQ.

I find myself wondering why OP felt the need to pretend that this post about the unbelievably selfish and entitled behaviour of her idiot husband is "lighthearted". It is clearly anything but, and nor should it be.

Why don't women feel they have the right to be angry when they and their families are being treated like shit? Why do so many women come on here basically seeking permission to end a relationship in which they are getting less respect than Donald Trump's hairdresser?

Until women refuse to accept this I see no hope of change.

Until women refuse to believe the garbage that they've "failed" if they don't marry ....

it's more a case of men being raised to think running the household is someone else's problem

Even for those that's the case, surely they can change it.

I don't have the same taste in music, tv, clothes as my parents. Many people don't follow the religion or politics they grew up with.

Until women refuse to accept this I see no hope of change.

Not only in relationships. Among friends and family groups too.

Men who don't do their share should be challenged and called on it not only by their wives. We, as society, should think less of them.

But why would you question it when it's so convenient and benefits you so directly? When doing the minimum receives praise, and not doing anything receives a shrug from society and nagging from the wife that you can mostly safely ignore?

I know talking about another thread is frowned upon but there was a poster this week asking about how much housework she should be doing in her boyfriend's house because he had complained that she didn't do enough.

She. Didn't. Even. Live. There.

I wrote a few comments but didn't post them because I couldn't come up with a form of words that wouldn't get me banned from Mumsnet forever.

Oh man, I could have written that list. I feel your pain. I've still not found a way to change my do but maybe you could play him at his own game? For example, Pick your own clothes out of the basket to wash and leave his behind until he learns to respect you. When he has no clean pants he will put on a load himself and hopefully get a wake up call.

My dh asked me to wash his wash trousers on yesterday, , didn't bring them off the line last night (I went out early) and asked me if they were ironed. Also asked if his work shirts were ironed. Grrrrr! I pointed him in the direction of the ironing pile to check.....

My DC (aged 17) is on work experience this week and has just ironed his favourite shirt (which was also in the ironing pile) and is currently cleaning his shoes. There is some hope!

Wey "Until women refuse to believe the garbage that they've "failed" if they don't marry ...."

I think this has something to do with it. My ex was a proper adulting adult, so to speak, but I do think some women stay with men who aren't because they think they won't be able to find one. I've had a few major health issues in my time and I've noticed that on MN, if you ever ask what will happen - or indeed see it happen, that sadly a poster is very ill or hospitalised - they fully expect to recover and be met with a mountain of washing and undone chores.

I can't see why anyone wants that man in their home. Most recently when my mum was in hospital, a BF who didn't even live with me did a load of grocery shopping and cooking at my home so at least I could to and fro from hospital and there'd be a decent meal for me even if I had to microwave it or just cheese on toast or ice cream or wine or whatever. These are basic standards.

I suppose if you just want a lump to occupy the sofa while you MN or watch TV....but when that lump becomes a totally liability, then it's an actual problem, even if the presence of the Grunting Lump makes you happy in some way?

I think some women who don't have lives or achievements rely on having a DH for their status.

Such is the power of patriarchy, that some women still think that they gain status by being shackled to a man, any man, even one who can't do the basic things that are required of responsible adults ...

Passive aggressive BS. You can't change this - he will always find a way to outwit you. He will never give you what you want - that's the point.

I don't care about riches or social status but I like a man who gets shit done. Do women not generally like that?

Lweji, I have no idea why he insists on doing his own washing and it being separate from mine. Well I suppose I do understand why he doesn't include mine as I am particular about mixing colours and whites and what temperature to use. He just bungs all his stuff in, jeans with white shirts etc. I can't do that. Maybe I'm the problem but I like whites to be white. I couldn't wash jeans with whites for example but it doesn't bother him.