Infertility, alcohol. So angry and upset

[Jamon]

DH and I have been TTC for 18 months. It's been the hardest thing our relationship has faced and at times has put terrible strain on us.

He finds it hard to communicate his feelings on and I end up feeling alone and unsupported by him. I've become consumed by desperation and sadness of not getting pregnant. I think he hasn't known what to do and it's pulling us apart rather than together.

We have a few months of trying naturally left and I'm trying to do everything I can to try and conceive naturally before we start IVF. I'm on clomid currently which has made me feel awful.

DH went to South Africa with work on Saturday for 5 days. Yesterday he went out "for dinner" with the crew and didn't contact me for 6 hours. When I finally heard from him he was drunk, slurring his words.

I completely lost it. How can he be getting drunk down route with complete strangers, whilst I'm here going through this? How can he not be prioritising me and TTC over getting drunk? To give this context, he's an airline pilot and was out with cabin crew. I trust him completely but it's upset me more knowing he was probably out getting drunk with young female cabin crew members.

I barely slept last night, my heart was racing and I was shaking with anger and hurt over this. I don't know what to do. My instinct is to block him and go silent until he comes home - and then go and stay with my parents.

We are meant to be trying this week when he gets home as I'll be fertile. I don't see how we are supposed to do that now. So I feel like I've subjected myself to clomid again for no reason. Every time I took those tablets I felt scared about how it would affect me.

I don't know what to fucking do

He's probably stressed as well and a night out getting drunk may have helped him relax for a bit. It doesn't affect you as you're in a different country so I don't see what he did wrong.

Sorry but I don't understand why you can't go ahead and try this week when he comes home.

He's stressed too- give him a break. And of course you can try when he's back! This month could be the month, why would you risk that? I'm sorry you're upset because trying for a baby for ages is awful

Have you been told that him drinking alcohol will affect his sperm quality then? It is a long time since I ttc so I can't remember.

I do remember clomid making me absolutely barmy though. Does he have form for this?

I really don't think it's a problem. Good for him going out and having fun. Don't let infertility take over your life (old timer with 4 rounds of IUI and 7 cycles of IVF behind her). If you're worried about him damaging his sperm, it really won't make the slightest bit of difference.

Why can't you try when he gets back? You'd seriously waste a month because you're annoyed at him for going out drinking?
I do think you're over reacting a bit, sorry. He's in another country and has gone out drinking with colleagues.

You are being completely unfair and unrealistic in your behaviour towards him. He's not prioritising getting drunk over you; he's in South Africa, with work, not with you. he could still talk to you, he hadn't passed out drunk.

Of course you can ttc next week. One evening of alcohol will not remove all his sperm or render them incapable of impregnating you. If that was the case they'd market lager as a contraceptive.

Because alcohol affects sperm quality. I'm here doing everything I can to try and make this happen - how can he just go out and get drunk?

Maybe the clomid is making me a bit crazy. I don't know

But I feel so fucking devastated by this and I don't know what to do.

It's a massive overreaction and I think you know that deep down. I hope everything works out soon for you.

YABVU.

Also, sperm is manufactured 2-3 months before ejaculation, so drinking this month won't affect this month's sperm.

Calm down. You sound like a nightmare.

I can absolutely understand and empathize with your pain, but I do think you're over-reacting to him getting drunk if it is a one off. He is probably upset and stressed too, and it sounds as though you will be applying a lot of pressure to him. He is going through the pain of ttc too and he probably needed to let off steam. I completely understand how hard it is (ttc for 4.5 years, 3 rounds of ivf, 3 miscarriages and still trying) but to get through it you need to understand each other's point of view and feelings. Blocking and silent treatment will only destroy your relationship. Don't do it unless you think you want to bring about the end. I have felt very angry with my DH at times - and we've had blazing rows but always then talked frankly. I have had to explain the support I needed and how I wanted that to look and feel, but that has got us to a stronger place over the years. This journey could be much longer than the 18 months it has been so far, so you need to think about how you might cope with that together as a team.

The odd drink or night out doesn't stop anyone getting pregnant. My friend's husband was an alcoholic when they conceived their perfectly healthy child. A balanced and healthy lifestyle overall is more important.

Excessive alcohol does. Is he an alcoholic? One night on the booze won't make any difference, when his sperm have got time to replenish anyway.

I was crew for ten years, I also took Clomid to have my babies so understand a little of your upset.
However being down route and sitting in your room or not joining in is miserable, especially for five days.
What is making you feel so upset may likely be down to your Clomid side effects, let him relax, be there when he gets home and don't waste this month on worrying about sperm quality. Many people get pregnant whilst still having alcohol. A glass of wine won't hurt you either, it didn't me. And good luck

Hi jamon,

flowers

Been where you are in terms of subfertility; its bloody hard going because seemingly everyone else around you can get pregnant.

I feel for you both as a couple actually. He finds it hard to talk, he cannot solve the subfertility problems for you or he and his work takes him away from you as well. I am not excusing his getting drunk then calling you afterwards given his job. Can you talk to him when you get home without rancour?. Both of you need to get off the treadmill and start being honest and actually talk to each other. Your instinct to leave, whilst completely understandable, is wrong here and is again not going to help.

Do you have an actual diagnosis of the underlying problem/s; have both of you been tested and thoroughly?. You say you are on clomid; are you being monitored whilst on it?. If not you should be otherwise you do not know whether its working or not. Clomid can have some side effects (nausea, headaches and bloating amongst others) but you should not ever have felt scared about taking them. It should have been explained to you properly why these were given to you in the first instance.

You also mention IVF; its a huge chasm between clomid and IVF so I was wondering why this has been mooted at all?. Who has thought about that for you as a couple?

I get the impression that you are putting an awful lot of pressure on your own self to conceive and that is not helping either; you need to get out of the mindset of "we are meant to be trying this week when he gets home as I'll be fertile". It is not helping you any and if you also using temp charts and OPKs ditch all that as well.

Are you in the UK?. If so this is a good website as well to use, it may help you:-
fertilitynetworkuk.org/

Also read and post on the Infertility forum on MN; they could be a helpful resource to you as well.

"You sound like a nightmare"

that has really made me cry

I'm going through a nightmare

Thanks for the replies. I am being unreasonable. I'm just so upset that he isn't doing everything he can to make this happen too.

The alcohol thing - maybe I am too fixated on it. The only thing that's come up wrong with our fertility tests is low morphology on DH side. I think this is why I think he should be doing everything I can. I probably am putting too much pressure on him.

He has reduced alcohol overall but I was under the impression that binge drinking was a major fertility no no. That was in our paperwork from the hospital.

I understand you are emotional and having a hard time, but he has done nothing wrong and doesn't deserve this.

Massive over reaction OP. It's stressful for the guy when trying to conceive as well so it's not all about you. Sorry to be harsh.

I've been on Clomid. Conceived during month 2. OH had no problems with sperm count and alcohol wasn't an issue. So unless the doctor has said he has problems with sperm then let him have a break.

Completely get where you're coming from OP and I think the "you sound like a nightmare" comment was really unfair.

Trying (and failing) to conceive is hellish and I understand why you're so upset - but the clomid will be making you batshit. The devastation you're feeling right now is a bit of a hormone-induced overreaction but don't waste the month - try anyway.

I really feel for you - infertility makes you feel so alone and isolated, even from your partner at times

Drinking to the point of slurring over a six hour period isn't binge drinking.

I barely slept last night, my heart was racing and I was shaking with anger and hurt over this. I don't know what to do. My instinct is to block him and go silent until he comes home - and then go and stay with my parents.

How about apologising and saying you are sorry. Then you can have make up sex when he gets home. Don't beat yourself up over this though. I think youve overreacted and been unfair but I understand you are under a hell of a lot of stress.

You are both under tremendous strain and you both need to be kind to one another.

I mean this as nicely as possible, but you really need to take a step back. I have known marriages fail because of the ridiculous amount of pressure couples put on themselves in your situation. Usually the female partner becomes too - for want of a better word - obsessed about getting pregnant, taking every possible opportunity that the male partner starts to feel like nothing more than a means to an end; he's there to be used for you to get pregnant; nothing else matters.

Seriously. You need to calm down a bit.

As you are worried about quality I will share our story.
DH had a sperm test which showed that he had a very low count and that those present were of very poor quality, many already dead. The consultant said we would almost certainly need IVF to conceive.

I was pregnant 6 weeks later! You only need one :)
Please try to relax. Getting stressed will not aid you on this journey.

How come you are on Clomid if the only issue to come up is morphology? Have you fully researched what doctors are telling you (3 rounds of IVF here and I really think you have to be all over what each and every test result means and what should happen at each stage).

I can kind of see where you are coming from but do think it's a massive over-reaction. Your DH clearly can't be a really big drinker or he couldn't be a pilot so you should probably lay off him. I sometimes took my ttc worry out on my DH and it doesn't really get you anywhere. I'd give him a break and apologise.

As others have said, sperm takes 90 days to be manufactured by the body, so eating/drinking habits this week will not have any effect on his current sperm quality.

Of course if he regularly drinks large amounts then it can have an effect on the overall quality of his sperm, but there is nothing you or he can do now to influence the quality of the sperm he currently has.