Infertility, alcohol. So angry and upset

[Jamon]

DH and I have been TTC for 18 months. It's been the hardest thing our relationship has faced and at times has put terrible strain on us.

He finds it hard to communicate his feelings on and I end up feeling alone and unsupported by him. I've become consumed by desperation and sadness of not getting pregnant. I think he hasn't known what to do and it's pulling us apart rather than together.

We have a few months of trying naturally left and I'm trying to do everything I can to try and conceive naturally before we start IVF. I'm on clomid currently which has made me feel awful.

DH went to South Africa with work on Saturday for 5 days. Yesterday he went out "for dinner" with the crew and didn't contact me for 6 hours. When I finally heard from him he was drunk, slurring his words.

I completely lost it. How can he be getting drunk down route with complete strangers, whilst I'm here going through this? How can he not be prioritising me and TTC over getting drunk? To give this context, he's an airline pilot and was out with cabin crew. I trust him completely but it's upset me more knowing he was probably out getting drunk with young female cabin crew members.

I barely slept last night, my heart was racing and I was shaking with anger and hurt over this. I don't know what to do. My instinct is to block him and go silent until he comes home - and then go and stay with my parents.

We are meant to be trying this week when he gets home as I'll be fertile. I don't see how we are supposed to do that now. So I feel like I've subjected myself to clomid again for no reason. Every time I took those tablets I felt scared about how it would affect me.

I don't know what to fucking do

You know you are acting clomid crazy. But it doesn't make your feelings any less valid! :) infertility sucks and completely takes over your life and you do feel (not helped by the hormone soup) that it is you, as the woman, who is the only one to sacrifice. Now, I had 5 rounds of IVF and two frozen cycles. It was the last cycle, the one I did because my DH asked me to one more time, that worked. I was convinced it was a waste of time. I did drink during stimming (the doctor said that people prefer not to as the drugs can make you nauseous but actually absent an alcohol problem it was ok!). I had one night where I was possibly the drunkest I have ever been. And, it was the successful cycle and I now have an almost two year old. Think about all the drunkenly conceived children and you know, there is very little you can do to change fate! One night drinking does not an issue make. Good luck!

I have apologised to him. I feel ashamed at going off the deep end at him

Thank you swissgemma, I am clomid crazy

Actually I do get what you are saying.
When there are fertility problems, all the onus is in the woman, regardless of whether the issue is male or female (or both).
It's the woman who undergoes all the procures, the woman who takes all the hormones and the the woman who is doing her best to make things work. She will be the one who stops drinking (even if she is stressed out, would do with being able to have fun etc...). She will the one to look at her diet, take supplements etc...
But men? Nope, somehow they can get away with it and just 'need to chill because they are stressed'.
As if women weren't .

I'm not sure what the answer is OP. I can just tell you that you are not the only one.
((HUggs))

Could everybody lay off the OP? Bloody hell. She's clearly stressed and full of hormones and feeling terrible, it's really not helpful to tell her she's 'massively overreacting' or 'sounds like a nightmare'. Where is the compassion?

OP it sounds like you're having a terrible time and the clomid will probably be making you more reactive to this than usual. Have you thought of posting this in the infertility topic? You're much more likely to get considered responses over there from people who know where you're coming from.

Hi Jamon.

re your comment:-
"I don't track my cycle but it's obvious when I'm fertile"

Actually its not. It really is not and its also possible to have periods without actually ovulating. Continue to not track your cycle either.

Re the talking you both need to be completely honest with each other about how this whole subfertility issue is making you feel. As mentioned its neither his fault or yours that you as a couple are subfertile.

May I ask why you are taking clomid at all if there is seemingly no fertility issue with yourself?

I am sorry to hear you having trouble conceiving but i don’t think your DH has done anything wrong. Just because he hasn’t read the book you gave him does not mean he is sticking his head in the sand, it means he is dealing with this in a different way to you.

I think what Caillleach is saying is that the stopped focussing on the best fertile days/ovulation and having sex just for the purpose of conception and decided to have sex when they wanted to just because they wanted to, not with conception in mind.

I wish you luck in the future.

You need to stop with this control. I'm not surprised he had a blow out :(

Btw I disagree that he should onoiy not drink to support yu whilst you are taking hormones.
I think he should be stopping alcohol to improve you ur chances to get pregnant.

He might have been given 'the all clear' but it doesn't mean he can do whatever he wants because drinking like this will have an impact in the sperm quality.
Also it is worth remembering that the overall quality of sperm in men has been declining for years and that what we now consider as OK would have been considered as abnormal and not good enough 40 years ago.....

He needs to take responsibility for the 'pregnancy project' too.

Cantfind yes. It strikes me that the advice and lifestyle changes are all aimed at women. I agree that men need to take more responsibility

Theboud thank you. I do post regularly over there and it's incredibly supportive. I thought this morning was more about my marriage but really it's all bound in infertility. DH and I didn't have problems before all this

Attila it's obvious to me because I get strong ovulation pain and fertile cervical mucous. It's not something I can unfeel or unsee

Sorry OP I hope you didn't take my post as condescending (...?) It can be very irksome when people say "be grateful for what you have". That gratitude app sounds great but you are allowed to say "actually at the moment this is all a bit shit". You don't have to be Pollyanna I just meant that if you want this guy's kids you must love him quite a lot. How lovely that you have someone you love and trust so much!

I think pp suggestion that you make sure the two of you do regular things together is a good one. Common interests an' all that. I guess FERTILITY could easily become this looming spectre between you, and that your common task is to sex each other until you reproduce while monitoring all sorts of things obessessively in between. I know i'm writing flippantly & I really really don't want you to take it the wrong way and I know you've said you can't "forget" wanting a baby - of course not. But you also shouldn't forget why you enjoy spending time together in the first place. Does he make you laugh like no one else? Talk intelligently? Dance sexily? I have no idea. But you do

I susoectvthat people who are saying that the OP is a nightmare haven't had any problem with infertility...

Bluebell there is no control. I expect him to drink less - not stop altogether - because we are in this together and as others have said - it takes two. Why shouldn't he drink less to try to make this happen? I don't think that is unreasonable.

Livefornaps not patronising or condescending at all. Thank you for your post and for being constructive. I will try not to be Pollyanna

Thanks for the advice about doing nice things together. I've been focused on trying to get my head straight. Maybe there are more things we can do together to unwind

No need to feel ashamed. I suspect your DH also gets that you are not yourself. I think, some of the comments on here are, with the best will in the world, not helpful. I think, unless you have suffered infertility you just cannot get it. Also, unless you have suffered infertility and had the hormone soup of treatment you just can't get it. I am a relatively level headed person, but the ever increasing hormone injections, almost daily visits to the clinic to have my bits prodded by an increasing number of people, the swollen feet, swollen hands, hot flushed, bloated stomach, bruises from injections and blood tests, having arms like a junkie, sent me ever so slightly mad and completely irrational.

You don't just get pregnant suddenly because "you took a break from actively trying and relaxed". Relaxation is not a cure for infertility. While I suspect secondary infertility is sad, I would suggest that if you suddenly fall pregnant after 3 weeks of not actively trying that actually it was your fertility tracking that was off rather than your fertility.

OP don't beat yourself up. Don't beat your DH up. you two are the only people going through your exact situation. You need each other.

Hi Jamon.

re your comment:-
"Attila it's obvious to me because I get strong ovulation pain and fertile cervical mucous. It's not something I can unfeel or unsee"

I agree entirely with your second sentence but strong ovulation pains and cervical mucus (particularly that) can be misleading in terms of actually ovulating. Neither are foolproof. It may well be the clomid that is causing this to arise as well. I sincerely hope as well you are being monitored whilst on clomid.

OP, I could have written your post. TTC is such a head fuck, and it's the fact that everything takes so long and there is so much waiting, added to the hormones. I was exactly like you over our 3 years of trying for our first.

Like you, our relationship was really tested by the process. I remember being absolutely FURIOUS with my dh one day when he insisted on going out to do a sport that he got frequent injuries at, and made him too tired to dtd. I wonder if it wa easier for my dh to forget whereas for me it was on my mind every moment, and of course I was souped up on hormones.

We got lucky on our 4th round of ovulation induction, but had we not been successful we had agreed to take a 6 month break and go on a long trip away. Now, deciding to take a break did not make me pregnant (as simply 'relaxing' or having a holiday does not make people pregnant), but it did help me to take a mental step out of the craziness of hormones and the roller coaster of it all.

Lots of luck. It really is such an awful time, I really sympathise with you.

Swiss Gemma your post made me well up. Thank you for understanding and taking the time to reach out

Atilla I am - I've got a tracking scan today to see how it's doing this cycle.

I won't be taking it again. It's not worth this

I get it OP. We had this too whilst ttc.

You have adapted your diet (cut things out, added others), you track cycles, take supplements, have invasive tests, take strong drugs etc etc and all your partner had to do is produce a sample in a cup and cut down on the alcohol. That's all! It doesn't seem fair in balance.

My DH would go on the odd binge at critical times and it is upsetting because you are on medication (expensive if private) and everyone would go mad if the woman did that and wasted the money/drugs.

Be kind to yourself, it is so stressful. Everything becomes magnified.

If you were pregnant in three weeks then you hadn't stopped trying. I hate those stories - just relax? Read the infertility boards. It's pretty much the worst thing you can say.

People who have gone through fertility problems are trying to HELP you, OP. Clomid or not (and I've been there), you need to stop and take a breath. Snapping at people and taking your DH for granted is not going to help your situation.

Your DH may not be taking the tablets but rest assured, this will be taking its toll on him too. You are supposed to be TTC together. If his way of letting off steam is to have the occasional boozy dinner with colleagues, then I think you need to remember he is an adult and a person, not just a sperm provider.

Vent here or on paper if you need to, but keep in mind that this is hormone-based overreaction. Best of luck. 💐

Op I get why you're upset. You're doing all the work and taking all the downside, he potentially has an issue and is going against (generic) medical advice.

Who has prescribed you the clomid though and why? If you're already ovulating then at best it is a numbers game by increasing eggs but risks multiples and has multiple other downsides including can leave the womb lining too thin. Are you being scanned as you need to be to checked several times. Are you tracking hormone levels to see when you're ovulating?

Thank you logburnie. We are currently considering booking a trip away. I'm quite anxious about where I'll be with treatment but I think we need to just do it.

I feel so much for everyone who has been through or is going through this. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy

Feel for you OP - I remember going off the deep end at my DP for smaller things than that when I was on clomid. At times I felt I was deliberately trying to sabotage our efforts as I seemed to be at my angriest on the nights we really needed to get down to business!! Looking back now, I think it was anger at the situation and pent up frustration with our infertility that made me so unreasonable.

It is also easy to forget how infertility might be affecting our partners. Maybe he needed a bit of a night out to destress after months of disappointment?

Try to be forgiving.. don't throw this month away. Wishing you all the luck in the world

Do you actually know why you are taking chlomid? It sounds like you ovulate? Don't let those nhs doctors mess you around with "treatment" you do not need. Chlomid is for people who don't ovulate on their own (pcos etc). If you ovulate then it's not the problem that needs addressed and you are just wasting your time.

In my opinion these things just prolong the agony which doesn't do anyone any good.

Thank you echoes - everything is magnified is so accurate