Infertility, alcohol. So angry and upset

[Jamon]

DH and I have been TTC for 18 months. It's been the hardest thing our relationship has faced and at times has put terrible strain on us.

He finds it hard to communicate his feelings on and I end up feeling alone and unsupported by him. I've become consumed by desperation and sadness of not getting pregnant. I think he hasn't known what to do and it's pulling us apart rather than together.

We have a few months of trying naturally left and I'm trying to do everything I can to try and conceive naturally before we start IVF. I'm on clomid currently which has made me feel awful.

DH went to South Africa with work on Saturday for 5 days. Yesterday he went out "for dinner" with the crew and didn't contact me for 6 hours. When I finally heard from him he was drunk, slurring his words.

I completely lost it. How can he be getting drunk down route with complete strangers, whilst I'm here going through this? How can he not be prioritising me and TTC over getting drunk? To give this context, he's an airline pilot and was out with cabin crew. I trust him completely but it's upset me more knowing he was probably out getting drunk with young female cabin crew members.

I barely slept last night, my heart was racing and I was shaking with anger and hurt over this. I don't know what to do. My instinct is to block him and go silent until he comes home - and then go and stay with my parents.

We are meant to be trying this week when he gets home as I'll be fertile. I don't see how we are supposed to do that now. So I feel like I've subjected myself to clomid again for no reason. Every time I took those tablets I felt scared about how it would affect me.

I don't know what to fucking do

Oh love, you are totally over-reacting but Clomid made me absolutely crazy. It's a total headfuck.

Can you do something that will help you get the wound up feeling out? Swimming, running, long walk? Do you play an instrument? Basically anything that you can get lost in

Hi Jamon,

re your comment:-
"The only thing that's come up wrong with our fertility tests is low morphology on DH side. I think this is why I think he should be doing everything I can. I probably am putting too much pressure on him".

Low morphology (that is the shape of the sperms) can be caused by lots of things; not just alcohol and there is much about sperms that are simply not understood even now. There is much controversy as well about morphology anyway; it does not clearly predict fertility.

I sincerely hope that he has had more than one such analysis as one alone is not conclusive by any means. I remember references to binge drinking as well from the hospital; its pretty much standard advice given.

If male factor is an issue then why were you given clomid?. You are not just putting pressure on him, you are also putting undue pressure on your own self too. Its not your fault or his that as a couple you are subfertile. You need to talk to each other and find the words without rancour or anger. Honesty is needed here from both of you.

Sorry OP but this is a massive over reaction.

Your OH went out and got drunk with colleagues and you are " devastated"?

I would put this whole conception thing on the back burner until you can get your head cleared.

Your OH has done nothing wrong.

Sorry to say, but your reaction is wayyy way over the top!
He didn't contact you for 6 hours? Does he need to constantly check in with you, he's taken the opportunity to relax and have some down time while away - because he probably isn't getting that at home!
Did you not stop to think that he might be finding it hard - maybe blaming himself? (Because of the morphology issues)
You need to calm down, go out and relax together and as I ALWAYS get told - stop making it about TTC and reconnect with each other, make it about time together and bring the fun back.

I'm not really worried about the alcohol. People deal with stress differently, this may be his way. I think you're being very controlling here, demanding that he doesn't go drinking with some friends just because you are stressed at home. There's no reason you can't TTC just the same when he gets back,

However, I am worried about his inability to empathise or communicate with you. I would suggest that you get some support from a counsellor really soon - either individually or as a couple. You need to be able to talk about the storm of feelings you are going through. It sounds as though you need support from him that you're simply not receiving, and that this incident has become a symbol of that.

I agree with others, yabu!

Perhaps this is his way of having a little down-time and to de-stress, i think men get more stressed than they let on.

Dont be so hard on him TTC at the best of times is stressful without making it worse on both of you

I get it OP. It feels like you're doing all the work on this shared project and he is just faffing about not taking it seriously.
And TTC often takes on a life of its own and becomes an all consuming whirl of counting days and fertility and peeing on sticks etc.

People say take it easy but it's very hard to do when you want this one thing so badly and it seems like so little is in your control.

Practically I don't think one night of drinking will affect sperm quality to a great extent. Also clomid might be making you more hormonal and emotional. In your DHs defence (slightly) it would be horrible f he was getting drunk and coming home to you knowing you can't drink etc, but this is miles and miles away, maybe he saw it as a chance to cut loose a bit?

Deep breaths and remember this is a long journey. Talk to him calmly once he's back about not appreciating the excessive drinking. But don't overreact and definitely don't out off TTC this month - that'll make it into an even bigger deal and cause resentment to build between you two.

Good luck and I hope you get your BFP soon!

Again thanks for the replies this has helped calm me down. I've text him and apologised for going off the deep end.

The clomid made me totally crazy last month. I was hysterical at times. The fact I've taken it again shows the depth of how much I want this. I'm not devastated at his behaviour really, I'm devastated at not getting pregnant.

In answer to doing things to keep me sane - I've been trying so hard at that. Joined a local orchestra. Joined the gym and swim regularly. Contacted a support group. Arranged counselling with hospital counsellor. I do headspace and yoga and read good books and talk to friends. I really do try to look after myself mentally.

I also try to support and look out for DH too. I know this will be having an awful impact on him too. I bought a book about helping couples get through infertility. He hasn't looked at it once, I think his head is stuck firmly in the sand.

Low morphology - agreed very grey area. He has had repeated tests.

Ugh I am such a state right now

YABU and if you block him and go to your parent's house you're definitely not getting pregnant this cycle, so think about it that way!

Heloise he's not with friends he's with complete strangers. Yes I agree we need counselling together

Newbian this is not the AIBU board. I didn't put this on there for that reason. I came here for support

Audacity yes exactly to the joint project. Apart from it's not joint - it's all me and I feel like he's actually working against me rather than with me

Oh, OP - I think you know you would be over-reacting if you "went silent", went to stay with your parents and wasted a month of TTC over this. He is clearly stressed too and was letting off steam.

I don't think it's reasonable to be angry because he has gone out to enjoy himself while you are stressed at home - him sitting in his hotel room moping won't help anything. But I do think you have grounds to be upset about him binge drinking when you are having fertility problems. You are doing everything you possibly can to give yourself the best chance (to the extent of taking meds), and I think he should do the same. If alcohol has even a small impact on sperm down the line, I'd want my DH to cut it out if we were having fertility issues. It's not such a big sacrifice and it's not forever.

OP you are allowed to have a break from trying to conceive.

I had secondary infertility and we tried for two yeas with no success.

It started to seriously affect our relationship. We had a long and frank discussion, and decided to stop trying for a while.
We went back to having sex just for fun ( remember that?), and stopped all talk of babies.

Within three weeks I was pregnant.

If you were pregnant in three weeks then you hadn't stopped trying. I hate those stories - just relax? Read the infertility boards. It's pretty much the worst thing you can say.

jamon apologies but my point stands, if you block him and move out you have a 0% chance of pregnancy this cycle.

I was off BC for more than a year before I conceived, and for the last few months I decided to stop putting my life on hold and just enjoy myself. Glad I did as it was still several months before I got pregnant and I've missed out on some fun times with DH and friends.

Elle I wouldn't expect him to stay in his room. I wouldn't want that! I don't want him to be lonely or unhappy. But why couldn't he have one beer or glass of wine and think "I'll stop there. My wife is taking horrible hormonal drugs to try and make this happen - the least I can do is drink less"

I think some people need reminding that there are real people at the ends of these posts who are looking for support. It's not just words on a screen so if you feel like taking your own frustrations out in writing then do it elsewhere. What good is writing "you sound like a nightmare" to someone who has spent the night shaking and crying?

OP it sounds like you are doing your absolute best to manage your mental health at the moment and for that you should be commended. Everyone reacts in ways that aren't logical sometimes. I have cried for a lot less. I'm sure the "drinking binge anger" is a bit of a red herring: you're feeling lonely and fertility issues are taking their toll.

I don't have much advice in that regard. As someone whose life situation is very different to yours, I'd say just remember that sex is an expression of love & unity. You love this man & you want his children. You're very lucky to have one another. Try to keep that at the front of your mind (????) Sorry, a bit useless. Other posters will have better advice, but it sounded like really all you needed was a bit of a vent.

For others : remember OP didn't post in AIBU, so go easy, yeah? This isn't a free for all.

Cailleach if you were pregnant within 3 weeks then you didn't stop trying.

You say stop talking about babies. Other people say you need to talk more.

Personally I can't stop wanting this or trying. I really don't see how that is actually possible. I don't track my cycle but it's obvious when I'm fertile. Saying forget about it is like saying delete a part of your brain.

Also unsure as to why you're taking clomid when you say the only issue is with sperm morphology. Assume he's taking all the usual supplements?

Please don't be cross with him, you're being very unfair.

Infertility is a horribly painful journey but what gets you through is the ability to talk to each other and communicate your worries and plan a way forwards together. For us, that included carrying on with life whilst we went through treatment, including nights out for both of us. We cut down on alcohol but certainly didn't stop drinking, but that's a decision we made together, you don't have the right to dictate to him what he does.

TTC for 5 years, unexplained, and refused several treatments precisely because they do this to you. I feel for you.

Please bear in mind that your husband just might not find a book helpful. Expecting him to handle everything the way you do is unrealistic. Talk about it less with him. All the things you list to 'keep sane' are not with him! He's your husband. You can do all the necessary stuff while having fun together and just not talking about fertility for a while. Hard, but it's too easy to become destructively obsessed, and ultimately, how much new can you say? Good luck

Thank you liveformaps

You are right I do need to check in with gratitude for what I do have. I downloaded an app a few weeks ago called gratitude - you write down something every day that you are grateful for. I really recommend it

You're totally right OP (and others) - I shouldn't have said you sound like a nightmare. I apologise. I've never been on clomid so shouldn't comment without understanding the emotional effects it has on you. I wsh you good luck on your journey!

I feel very sorry for what you are going through, but agree with other PPs that you have over-reacted here and it's really good you've acknowledged that with your DH. Don't lose sight of why you are together - you both need down time, he's got a very responsible job and blowing off a bit of steam isn't harming anyone, in fact it's good to do it. It's probably the medication that isn't helping, but do keep trying to relax and do something nice together when he gets back. Hope things go well for you.

If you were pregnant in three weeks then you hadn't stopped trying. I hate those stories - just relax? Read the infertility boards. It's pretty much the worst thing you can say.

Yes we did stop trying.

No contraception, but I stopped tracking temperature, cervical mucous, threw away the charts.timing of sex.
I put all thoughts of a baby away, thought we would have 6 months before actively trying.

OP I'm sorry but you sound extremely uptight.