Infertility, alcohol. So angry and upset

[Jamon]

DH and I have been TTC for 18 months. It's been the hardest thing our relationship has faced and at times has put terrible strain on us.

He finds it hard to communicate his feelings on and I end up feeling alone and unsupported by him. I've become consumed by desperation and sadness of not getting pregnant. I think he hasn't known what to do and it's pulling us apart rather than together.

We have a few months of trying naturally left and I'm trying to do everything I can to try and conceive naturally before we start IVF. I'm on clomid currently which has made me feel awful.

DH went to South Africa with work on Saturday for 5 days. Yesterday he went out "for dinner" with the crew and didn't contact me for 6 hours. When I finally heard from him he was drunk, slurring his words.

I completely lost it. How can he be getting drunk down route with complete strangers, whilst I'm here going through this? How can he not be prioritising me and TTC over getting drunk? To give this context, he's an airline pilot and was out with cabin crew. I trust him completely but it's upset me more knowing he was probably out getting drunk with young female cabin crew members.

I barely slept last night, my heart was racing and I was shaking with anger and hurt over this. I don't know what to do. My instinct is to block him and go silent until he comes home - and then go and stay with my parents.

We are meant to be trying this week when he gets home as I'll be fertile. I don't see how we are supposed to do that now. So I feel like I've subjected myself to clomid again for no reason. Every time I took those tablets I felt scared about how it would affect me.

I don't know what to fucking do

Deckoff thanks for being so understanding. Some CCGs are trialling clomid for women who ovulate and seeing some promising success rates - enough for them to continue as it's saving the trust IVF. The theory is it improves egg quality and can make you release more than one so that swimmers have something to aim for. I'm not taking it again after this cycle though. I don't feel myself and the stress it's causing is probably undoing some of the benefits of it.

Muckypup yes poor fella and poor me. Infertility is shit.

Thank you powerpants and sorry you had difficult time of it too. I've used kits a lot and have very regular predictable cycles - I agree they help you pinpoint

Kerala we've had many cycles of doing it every other day, just a few times per week and loads during fertile week. Nothing has made any difference. I also can't ask DH to do it throughout the cycle. He finds it stressful enough doing it more than we naturally would when I'm fertile.

Thank you on the rise and I'm sorry you had a difficult time too. I will try and practise some mindfulness today and calm myself down

deckoff I can only speak for myself but my suggestion was to relax because life still needs to be lived. When I stopped stressing about not drinking, being super healthy, getting to bed early, etc. I enjoyed my life more. I didn't get pregnant 5 seconds later (closer to 5 months later) but DH and I went on vacation, ended up moving abroad, and had lots of other great experiences.

My advice to OP is to focus on her relationship with her husband and not move out and ignore him over him having one night of drinks. She will lose a lot more from picking these sorts of fights than from his night out on a work trip.

She should relax because it's necessary to keeping her relationship healthy and to actually having a good quality of life - regardless of whether or not it leads to a baby.

My instinct is to block him and go silent until he comes home - and then go and stay with my parents.

I really don't think sulking is the answer.

Six hours is not a particularly long time not to hear from your partner when he is a) abroad and b) working.

You need to calm down!

I'm not moving out or ignoring him. I posted up the thread twice that I've text him and apologise.

The red mist of clomid came down last night. The constructive and kind advice on here has helped me see through it

Because alcohol affects sperm quality.

Not sure I totally believe this. What about all those alcoholics with 10 kids? One night of drinking should be fine. I think you just want him to suffer because you are, which I totally get, but please let it go. Many relationships break down during fertility treatment - don't let it happen to you.

It's the advice from our fertility hospital to drink less and not binge drink specifically. The exact effects of alcohol are not 100% known - but I think it's reasonable for him to take steps to increase our chances, as I am doing. We are both in it together.

I don't want him to suffer he is my husband and I love him

I think once you let resentment and anger appear in a relationship you need to step back and consider what's causing it.

I the anxiety of Ttc is not a friend to your marriage. Ask yourself internally, would you rather be pregnant and single tomorrow or contentedly married? I'm not saying it's an either or choice, but it should make you consider where your head is right now for priorities.

There's nothing wrong with any choice, I know lots if women who's need for their own baby trumped their love for any man.

I actually just realised that last night I was very upset and paranoid that the neighbours upstairs had hurt our cat. This is because we had complained to the landlord about their (almost constant) shouting and screaming and they are now moving out.

It's not reasonable for me to be lying in bed thinking they've killed our cat in revenge. I had to get up last night to check on him.

I really think the clomid might be making me crazier than I even realise

I think the clomid/stress of ttc could well be triggering some anxiety or intrusive thoughts. Perhaps go back to your gp/specialist. You know yourself that it was a bit of a over reaction, we all have them, hopefully you'll get loads of make up sex (and perhaps a baby!). Its hard to imagine the strain that it can put on you to go through the cycle of hope and sadness, I will say tho that my ob.gy said to me that binge drinking is probably responsible for more babies than not, it was with a wink and a nod but please don't write this month off. Be kind to yourself

Ach OP, I so feel for you. Especially in light of your last post about your cat.

It's not fair. Infertility is not fair.

However, (and I mean this really kindly), you need to have a really good sit down talk with your DH when he gets home. Because while it's completely understandable that you feel as you do, because at the moment it does feel like it's you who has to do all the 'work' and suffer all the downsides...

But (fingers crossed) when you get pregnant, then it's all on you then too. Every day of your pregnancy, it's you who has to eat well, keep active, get enough sleep, not drink, worry that everything you do might harm the baby, worry that everything you aren't doing would help the baby, be sore, be whale-like, and then have your body destroyed changed by childbirth.

Then when the baby is here, it's mostly all on you then too.

So you need to talk about this, because he needs to understand what you need so that you feel supported. It's too easy for men to sort of "opt out" of the emotional side of TTC, pregnancy and babies, because they don't need to go through the physical side.

Best of luck to you.

I know this is hard to hear but you're being unreasonable.

Go easy on yourself. I remember when I took Clomid it completely affected my hormones and tolerance levels. For me the side effects were horrendous so I sympathise with you there.

What I would say is that you must both live as normal life as you can when taking the drug because , hopefully not, you may be taking them for some time. That's to say he can have a blow out every week!

Good luck.

A massive over reaction, could further stress him out, which won't help.

Can see your side slightly however, try to relax, that might help

Cleaver that is such an unkind comment. What a nasty person you must be.

Please, people, RTFT - there is more going on here than appears in the first post.

I had massive doses of some of the same hormones as are in Clomid as part of a chemically-induced menopause and they really screw with your emotional reactions. On top of that, the OP has the stress associated with infertility. She overreacted, she knows this, but there are mitigating circumstances given that she's in a stressful situation without her partner's support. She's trying really hard, but struggling. Let's be gentle!

Oh for fuck sake, people.

Read the god damn thread. Or at the very least, read the OP's posts.

I really feel for you. Clomid is a horrible drug. It made me raging one minute and crying hysterically the next.

You have had so much great advice and won't bore you with my "journey". All I will say is try and enjoy life and enjoy eachother. We tried for most of my thirties and I got well and truly sucked down the rabbit hole that is TTC and fertility treatment. I look back on that time as such a waste of the prime of my life and wish that I had been in the moment more, enjoyed life a bit more, tried to make more of what I had and hadn't wished every month away so I could try again another month. Please don't read that as "relax", because I know that is not what any long term TTC'er wants to hear!

I really wish you all the very best and loads of luck.

I think you need to chill out a little bit. Countless babies are conceived after alcohol has been consumed. In my case ( I know it's anecdotal and not evidence based) we had been ttc for 18 months naturally our age was against us and after a lovely night of drinking and shenanigans we ended up with twins. I think stress will effect fertility more than your DH having a night on the sauce. Good luck x

@cleaver: wtf???!!! Stop distracting from the op's discussion! No one asked you - are you drunk?

Also, do you know what helped me ( I know it's not practical for everybody) natural water swimming in river. Without sounding like a crazy woman I felt it really helped me connect with surroundings and my body. If that is not an option maybe just swimming x

I think you're forgetting it's impacting him too. If he's not even in the country I don't get why he can't let off a little steam. If you're both stressed you'll get nowhere. Why don't you use the time he's away to get out; go for dinner, book a spa.

I understand what you must be feeling but please remember he'll be feeling it too but doesn't have the same support women do. No point trying for a baby if you'll lose your marriage

There are some horrible and spiteful people posting on here with no empathy at all. Unfortunately that's what it's like being infertile - the majority of the population are oblivious and often downright hurtful in the face of one of the toughest things a person has to endure.

It can be a lonely journey. I'd definitely recommend finding an appropriate thread in conception or infertility and building a support group. I don't think I would have survived the last three and a half years without the brave, funny and kind people going through the same shit as me, that I met on MN.

OP you might have been a bit off kilter last night but you're handling the thread really well. I really hope things work out for you soon. It's so tempting to think that if you or your husband do something different (give up booze, clean eating, all the supplements, acupuncture etc) it will somehow help you get pregnant but the chances are it is either luck or there is something that needs treatment.

We had been ttc for 3 years with 4 mc. People kept telling me to relax and I kept losing my shit at them. I was advised not to take clomid due to health issues that made it extremely unlikely I could carry to full term anyway, and the increased risk of multiples. For various reasons, IVF wasn't an option for us.

I was a crazy woman, tracking everything and completely obsessed. My diet, fitness, work patterns, everything rotated around it. I didn't feel Dh understood and it caused arguments and problems. In Dec 2016 I caught him crying alone, and realised it was affecting him too, just in a different way. As heartbreaking as it felt, we agreed to stop trying and try and build up our relationship again, and have fun together. Over Xmas and New Year we did a lot of drinking and eating, and basically having fun and reminding each other what it was about each other we loved.

On Jan 23rd I got my BFP. I'm currently 27 weeks. I don't believe for a second that "relaxing" miraculously caused me to become pregnant. However, we had both been drinking and it clearly didn't stop us becoming pregnant either.

I'm not saying "relax" as a magical solution, but as others have said, you still have to live your life and maintain your relationships throughout the process. It could be a long slog, and it will be even harder if you're working against each other. Wishing you all the luck in the world.