Infertility, alcohol. So angry and upset

[Jamon]

DH and I have been TTC for 18 months. It's been the hardest thing our relationship has faced and at times has put terrible strain on us.

He finds it hard to communicate his feelings on and I end up feeling alone and unsupported by him. I've become consumed by desperation and sadness of not getting pregnant. I think he hasn't known what to do and it's pulling us apart rather than together.

We have a few months of trying naturally left and I'm trying to do everything I can to try and conceive naturally before we start IVF. I'm on clomid currently which has made me feel awful.

DH went to South Africa with work on Saturday for 5 days. Yesterday he went out "for dinner" with the crew and didn't contact me for 6 hours. When I finally heard from him he was drunk, slurring his words.

I completely lost it. How can he be getting drunk down route with complete strangers, whilst I'm here going through this? How can he not be prioritising me and TTC over getting drunk? To give this context, he's an airline pilot and was out with cabin crew. I trust him completely but it's upset me more knowing he was probably out getting drunk with young female cabin crew members.

I barely slept last night, my heart was racing and I was shaking with anger and hurt over this. I don't know what to do. My instinct is to block him and go silent until he comes home - and then go and stay with my parents.

We are meant to be trying this week when he gets home as I'll be fertile. I don't see how we are supposed to do that now. So I feel like I've subjected myself to clomid again for no reason. Every time I took those tablets I felt scared about how it would affect me.

I don't know what to fucking do

Thank you heloise
*
Bastardly* totally sound advice. It worries me how much I'm wishing time away clomid is the pits

Thanks molly

Meant to say I love outdoor swimming but rivers sounds rather intrepid!

Goodeyebrow you make a good point about the impact on him and I've said to friends I'm scared I'll come out this with no marriage let alone no baby. It's put so much strain on us. The book I got really helped me understand why and how that happens - and that it's very common. As for spa and dinners out - I wish! He goes away every week so I would be bankrupt!

Thank you shotta I get a huge amount of support from the conception and infertility boards

Love story that's so sad your oh was crying on his own glad you got your BFP in the end

It was more like a stream! But do you know I lay in it naked and the feeling of the water running over me was immense. For swimming I used a lake. Whatever works for you and your DH but be gentle on yourself and each other.

Have you gone to fertility counselling? I was TTC for 4 and a half years, two of which was fertility treatment (now have 1yo dd) and I found specialist fertility counselling really helpful. I do think you need to relax though and remember it does affect your dh too. Everyone copes with things differently and just because he's not hiding away in his room doesn't mean he's not affected by your situation. I hope it all works out for you.

I don't want him to hide in his room!! I just wish he would choose to drink less, to do everything he can to improve our chances. Especially when I'm stuffing myself with hormones and feeling like shit.

Yes TTC counselling would definitely help, we have an appointment booked in one month.

I get your frustration and it's hard to not obsess as I was the exact same. I was fine on the Clomid butwas once I'd given myself the injection which forces ovulation, I struggled. Try and calm yourself down a bit (warm bath and a good book maybe?) while he's away and once he's back have a chat with him if you want or if you think it will help. For what it's worth my dh didn't stop drinking. I didn't either until I had had my treatments in case it had worked.

Is your fertility counselling being provided through the NHS Trust or are you paying for it privately? I got my counsellor through the fertility department of the hospital but she also did private work too. You may be able to get a quicker appointment.

It's very very hard not to obsess about doing everything 'right'. In the end, it becomes a bit like not putting umbrellas up indoors - more superstition than anything else. I'm not belittling your feelings Jamon (or I hope I'm not) but I got to a point where I thought it would happen if I did absolutely everything right and if I did one tiny thing 'wrong' it would all fuck up.

Which isn't how fertility works of course. It eats away at your mental health, that's for sure.

I'm glad you're taking care of yourself.

OP I know you didn't ask for fertility advice but have you heard of LCHF? I did it for 3 months TTC DD after previously having painful cystic ovulation and not getting pregnant. On LCHF I got pregnant first try. It's something to do with sugar being bad for female fertility. I actually went zero carb when I did it as I found even green veg kicked me out of ketosis now and then. I'm trying for baby #2 next year and will be doing LCHF again 3 months prior to trying as I'm convinced it helped me. I don't know about alcohol affecting male fertility. It's not supposed to be great for female fertility. As others have said DH is probably stressed too and letting off steam. Anyway, LCHF won't cost you what IVF costs so youve nothing to lose (except sugar) by trying it. I've not had a single woman take my advice on LCHF so far, not even to try it. If I get pregnant with baby #2 in ketosis I'll be certain it helps good luck x

Cosy I've done a yoga with Adrienne and feeling zen. Our treatment is with the NHS so going to wait out our appointment

Jiggly I had never thought about it like that before. That's incredibly helpful, thank you. The umbrellas indoors is a very good analogy

Ido I haven't heard of that, it sounds a bit drastic

Aha OP but IVF in itself is drastic. Giving up sugar for 3 months to help fertility isn't that mad x

Yes that's true. I will have a look!

Good luck. Lots of LCHF fertility success stories online x

Silent treatment is incredibly cruel. Don't do that.

I haven't got anything else to add that hasn't been mentioned already op, I've also suffered with infertility and it's a bastard. You sound very stressed and sad and not at all like a nightmare. I'm glad you've texted your husband. Just wanted to wish you lots of luck

Oh, and have you ever thought of just relaxing?

Man, that used to fuck me off.

and perhaps a small

Bridget you are a bit behind

You are right though I need to not do that. My mum has always done it to me when she's been cross with me and it's just totally learned behaviour from her

Thank you user ! Gah the dreaded just relax! 😑😵😩

For those posters not sure why she's on clomid when the issue is sperm related. The same thing happened to me. Early tests showed it was low sperm count but I was the one still prescribed clomid even though tests showed I was ovulating well. It's red tape you have to go through via the hospital before they can refer you to a fertility clinic.
You are NOT a nightmare!!!

Thank you needforspeed I have heard of couples it has worked for when there hadn't been an ovulation problem

I don't really think for a second it will though if I'm honest. My period will be here, right on time ☹️

Jamon in fact clomid caused me to overstimulate one month so we were told not to try that month. I was livid and complained several times that this was a waste of time and causing more problems that weren't present in the beginning.
Best of luck to you!! Pay no attention to the 'relax and it will happen' comments. Its patronising.
Be kind to yourself

It is so hard when the desire to conceive puts such huge pressure on a couple. I think you need to cut him a bit of slack. His behaviour may not be ideal. I do feel for you but you do need to find some way of not making him feel like a sperm factory and that this is his main function that must rule every aspect of his life.

I do know how painful this process of trying to conceive can be when things are not going to plan and have lots of sympathy; but your relationship does need to be nurtured. Hard I know.

Say you are sorry and enjoy making up!

Ok. I did IVF 6 times over 8 years. It messes with your emotions and rationality.
There are lots of things they recommend about what both parties are doing and should do.
I won't say relax as I found that irritating
But you do need to communicate. Talk to him. Explain why you think it has affected you this month, the impact this has done
For those that say you have overreacted .. sod them. You and only those affected by infertility knows the impact. But if you don't speak to him and try working as a team you won't make it. So many couples split up either due to it or after they have children

People have different coping and you will have to do more than the man. Unfortunately that is life of infertility. Just remember one step at a time as it can be a long road with many many years

Hi my mum had my brother no problem and then tried for 5 years for another child. Eventually my parents accepted that it wasn't going to happen and mum applied for a part-time job and life continued. 4 months later she discovered she was pregnant with me! She always believed it was because they removed the pressure off themselves and actually enjoyed what they had.

user....44 thanks for the variation on 'just relax/stop trying and it will happen!', but as you might have read up thread, that's about the least helpful thing you can say to someone struggling with infertility.

I can't believe after 6 pages posters are still sharing relax/surprise baby stories.

They just do not help and some couples will be infertile forever, however 'relaxed' they are.

Yes you have to be optimistic about your chances but as someone for whom Ivf did not work There does come a stage where you have to be realistic and accep that it is not going to happen.

Not saying you are at that stage op but I do understand how much pressure you are under.