Infertility, alcohol. So angry and upset

[Jamon]

DH and I have been TTC for 18 months. It's been the hardest thing our relationship has faced and at times has put terrible strain on us.

He finds it hard to communicate his feelings on and I end up feeling alone and unsupported by him. I've become consumed by desperation and sadness of not getting pregnant. I think he hasn't known what to do and it's pulling us apart rather than together.

We have a few months of trying naturally left and I'm trying to do everything I can to try and conceive naturally before we start IVF. I'm on clomid currently which has made me feel awful.

DH went to South Africa with work on Saturday for 5 days. Yesterday he went out "for dinner" with the crew and didn't contact me for 6 hours. When I finally heard from him he was drunk, slurring his words.

I completely lost it. How can he be getting drunk down route with complete strangers, whilst I'm here going through this? How can he not be prioritising me and TTC over getting drunk? To give this context, he's an airline pilot and was out with cabin crew. I trust him completely but it's upset me more knowing he was probably out getting drunk with young female cabin crew members.

I barely slept last night, my heart was racing and I was shaking with anger and hurt over this. I don't know what to do. My instinct is to block him and go silent until he comes home - and then go and stay with my parents.

We are meant to be trying this week when he gets home as I'll be fertile. I don't see how we are supposed to do that now. So I feel like I've subjected myself to clomid again for no reason. Every time I took those tablets I felt scared about how it would affect me.

I don't know what to fucking do

Wise words @swissgemma. The whole process sounds horrendous & that you become more like a walking science experiment than a woman!! I think all husbands in these situations should be there to remind you that you are still you!!

At least you are being monitored this month whilst on clomid; a woman on this drug treatment should be monitored every month on it as its quite powerful stuff. Its side effects are not always explained thoroughly enough.

Clomid indeed should not be taken unless there is definitive proof over a period of months that you are not ovulating regularly if at all.

Jamon I really feel for you. I've no DC of my own (infertile but deliberate choice not to try assisted TTC / IVF). I joined a support group for women with my issue so consequently have lots of friends who have been through Clomid / ICSI / IVF / adoption. Clomid can make you absolutely batshit - seriously, honestly, totally crazy. One of my friends - who is the most relaxed, laid back zen person you could ever meet had a complete personality change when she was taking it and turned into a highly strung control freak. That's a long-winded way of saying, take a deep breath and remember that your reaction isn't really 'you' - it's the Clomid talking.

I wonder if your DH wanted a night where he could forget the pressures of TTC and just let his hair down? I really do understand you being hurt and bewildered that he'd do something that's not recommended by the hospital. However whilst he may be sticking his head in the sand a bit about sperm morphology, I suspect that deep down he is feeling the responsibility for the problems TTC. Watching you go through drug treatments and tests must also be difficult - and I wouldn't be surprised if he's feeling guilty. Obviously it is not his fault at all, but we all have complicated emotional responses so bear in mind that this may be simmering away under the surface. Everyone needs to let off steam once in a while - try and chalk this one up and move on.

Best of luck with TTC - hope you get a lovely BFP soon

I think more people need to talk about IVF. I know I have friends who say, flippantly, well there's always IVF. like it's a surefire simple solution. My doctor described it as brutal. It's not just the side effects it's also the dehumanisation. for all of the support, and understanding of the nurses you are still reduced to your parts. While at the same time taking mind altering drugs. I know for me, I started off hopeful and excited but by round 5 (I was done) - I remember saying to a nurse that I just wanted to be at the end, be told it had failed, and claim my life back. I feel, and still do, that I paid 7 years of my life for my monkey. 7 years of everything I did being tainted by his absence, by failure, by more specifically my failure. I think that unless you have been there you cannot imagine the actual pain you get from "so do you think you'll have children".

Oh OP, Clomid craziness is awful. When I took it , it did terrible things to my mind (I convinced myself DH wasn't trying hard enough to help himself because he didn't really want a baby with me).

You've had some very harsh responses on here, but people who haven't ever dealt with infertility or hormone treatment have no idea what you're going through.

You've apologised which is a great first step.
Why don't you now think about what exactly you need to feel supported and discuss that when he gets home?
If it helps, for me, I asked DH to not drink at all during fertile periods, to stay in with me when I was at the worst Clomid stages (and couldn't face pregnant friends) and to cuddle me but not try and cheer me up when I was upset - and he did it without question however, I could see the relief on his face because we hadn't been through it before and he he had no idea what I needed.

Oh and 💐 for you because infertility sucks

18 months really isn't that long, though I appreciate it can seem like a lifetime when ttc.

Get off this awful treadmill for a while. Best of luck.

for you - it's awful ttc for a long time and getting nowhere. It feels like shit when your partner is able to have fun when you can't imagine ever having fun again. Clomid, in my experience, makes everything a billion times worse. I was frequently very ragey on Clomid.

When you're living your life from one fertile window to the next it can feel like everything needs to be done exactly right, and any small deviation will ruin your chances. Fwiw my DH and I were ttc for 5 years all told, and his sperm (quality, quantity, DNA integrity, etc) was tested constantly. Cutting out alcohol & caffeine made no difference whatsoever. Nor did the billions of supplements he took. Fertility is an inexact science. One night of drinking won't make a difference. So keep trying, if that's what you want to do. Good luck and hugs.

If you were pregnant in three weeks then you hadn't stopped trying. I hate those stories - just relax? Read the infertility boards. It's pretty much the worst thing you can say.

OP that's a very rude thing to say.

I was TTC for two years- longer than you, so I do have an understanding of the situation.

I know that stress can have a huge impact on fertility.

Thank you glasto completely agree again with pent up frustration. It's a long term strain and pressure - it will inevitably bubble over at times

Lazy dailymail I think I have become your friend ☹️ batshit crazy seems to sum me up right now. I'm sorry you had such a difficult experience. I complete agree about men and complicated feelings. I have no doubt that this is taking its toll on him mentally and emotionally - but he is just terrible at being able to express it or really talk about it. He really does bury his head in the sand. I think you are right about him feeing guilty - and I've tried to reassure him that there is no blame and this is no ones fault

That should have read 'thanks lazydailymail'

Completely understandable to be stressed. It took us three years to have our first although we didn't get as far as having tests or treatments because we were still fairly young.

However, the radiation from flying will be doing far more damage to his sperm than one night of getting drunk. Pilots and cabin crew are classed as radiation workers because of the higher exposure to cosmic rays at altitude. I know this sounds flakey but it isn't and is something I didn't know until I did my radiation training and learned that we should count flights in our exposure. Flying to the US and back is the equivalent dose of a chest X-ray. If there's any way he can transfer to shorter haul and not fly on days off that is likely to help more than avoiding alcohol.

Hi OP

It sounds like you are having a really tough time. It took me about ten cycles to conceive my current pregnancy and by that time I was so downhearted about it all that I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

Even if a woman stops tracking, stops charting, stops OPK'ing, stops taking temperatures and stops monitoring CM in order to take a 'relaxed approach' they still obviously know when they are ovulating and DTD around that time too so I don't think it's helpful to imply that stopping doing all the above will lead to a BFP. You know your signs of ovulation, you can't help but notice CM so obviously you can't just turn your brain off from it all.

Your reaction about the drinking may have been extreme but it's understandable, you aren't a nightmare at all, just a very upset and frustrated person. Do remember though that it must be very hard for a man to know that he's potentially the reason why you can't have a baby and that there's something 'wrong' with his sperm......I imagine that's quite hard for a man's pride to deal with. It's probably killing him inside that he can't give you what you so desperately want and burying his head in the sand may be his way of dealing with it.

My friend had infertility issues and after 2.5 years of trying to conceive (naturally and with the help of Clomid) they had a course of IVF and she caught pregnant on their first attempt. Please don't lose hope and even if you do have IVF I believe the success rates are extremely high these days.

It's understandable that you are so upset but remember there are still options available to you and you need to keep your marriage on track, don't let the pressures ruin what you have with your husband.

It's good that you've apologised, put it behind you and just enjoy spending some time together when he gets back.

The best of luck OP and I hope you get your baby soon

Swiss Gemma I'm sorry you had such a difficult time of it. I agree more people need to talk about IVF / infertility. I talk about it a lot - when appropriate - it's helped me an awful lot to get it out there and know I'm not alone

Thank you writer I remember being very upset and frustrated 10 months in. All the best with your pregnancy

Koka I've read up on the radiation thing as it did worry. I've read in several reliable sources that it's not enough to cause fertility problems. Almost all of the captains he flies with are fathers. I also mentioned it to the consultant and he dismissed it too. Thanks for suggesting though as it did occur to me

Caileach I apologise if that came across as rude it wasn't intended to be

Thank you zzzz and I'm sorry you had such a difficult experience too. You are right about life throwing very challenging things at you and in my more positive moments I have thought perhaps going through this infertility challenge will make us stronger and more resilient and better able to cope with tough situAtions

Poor fella.

Jamon - don't beat yourself up about this, you sound like a really nice person, driven slightly off-kilter by Clomid.

I agree - the stories that start 'We stopped taking about babies, and relaxed and ten seconds later, I was pregnant' are not helpful and in fact put more pressure on you along the lines of 'Relax - wtf - I CAN'T relax' etc etc.

I spent three years going through IVF and other fertility treatment and was lucky enough to get pregnant naturally outside a cycle. This was LUCK and nothing to do with relaxation as I certainly was not relaxed .

I had a lot of miscarriages so I was able to get pregnant....not the same situation as you BUT and, forgive me if I am repeating something someone else has mentioned, what was invaluable to me was the ovulation testing kit. Like you I had physical signs but it was surprising how different my fertile days actually were, to what I thought they were. So my strong advice is to use a kit.

And my other strong advice is - be kind to yourself. I can tell you're a sweet person, and I can tell you are placing pressure on yourself because you feel things deeply. I am not going to tell you to relax, but try not to punish yourself...and wishing you the very best of luck.

deckoff - I completely agree.

And to everyone making sarky comments about 'her poor husband' - why don't you walk a mile in her shoes before criticising?!

Yabu but you know that. Must be really tough sympathy op.

Personally I would stop all the charting mucous analysing etc will drive you mad. Took us ages to conceive but read online just have sex every other day we did and it happened. Think I ovulate at end of my period as that's when I got pregnant and we weren't getting pregnant because we focussed on mid cycle. That was our journey anyway good luck xx

Jamon, my heart is aching for you.

I had no trouble conceiving but had all sorts of problems remaining pregnant once I was there. It was so difficult, and so stressful, and just bloody miserable. I don't blame you at all for being so upset.

But I do think you were overreacting, and that you need to think about why that might be. It is likely to be side effects from your medication, but if you have to keep taking it, you can't avoid that. What can you do now, right now, to help you feel better? I find solitary walks helpful: you could try that, and focus on the trees and the breeze and all the lovely stuff around you rather than on your fertility issues. Or how about booking a massage? That can be amazing, but I know it can be costly too. What I'm trying to say is do things to make yourself feel better. Focus on being happy and relaxed, as much as you can. Treat yourself gently. All will be well.