Infertility, alcohol. So angry and upset

[Jamon]

DH and I have been TTC for 18 months. It's been the hardest thing our relationship has faced and at times has put terrible strain on us.

He finds it hard to communicate his feelings on and I end up feeling alone and unsupported by him. I've become consumed by desperation and sadness of not getting pregnant. I think he hasn't known what to do and it's pulling us apart rather than together.

We have a few months of trying naturally left and I'm trying to do everything I can to try and conceive naturally before we start IVF. I'm on clomid currently which has made me feel awful.

DH went to South Africa with work on Saturday for 5 days. Yesterday he went out "for dinner" with the crew and didn't contact me for 6 hours. When I finally heard from him he was drunk, slurring his words.

I completely lost it. How can he be getting drunk down route with complete strangers, whilst I'm here going through this? How can he not be prioritising me and TTC over getting drunk? To give this context, he's an airline pilot and was out with cabin crew. I trust him completely but it's upset me more knowing he was probably out getting drunk with young female cabin crew members.

I barely slept last night, my heart was racing and I was shaking with anger and hurt over this. I don't know what to do. My instinct is to block him and go silent until he comes home - and then go and stay with my parents.

We are meant to be trying this week when he gets home as I'll be fertile. I don't see how we are supposed to do that now. So I feel like I've subjected myself to clomid again for no reason. Every time I took those tablets I felt scared about how it would affect me.

I don't know what to fucking do

Calling OP a nightmare when she's clearly feeling low already is pretty harsh :( @Jamon I remember feeling really insecure after my MCs even though OH was the most supportive wonderful man and never gave me any reason to doubt him...Mine came from the sense that I was failing as a woman, I know it is so stupid but I also think it is common when TTC, and I felt like OH wanted children so badly, he should just go and sleep with someone that could carry his babies! It sounds insane looking back, but when you get in one of those black hole states it is hard to have perspective. I expect your DH is really stressed and if it has come up from testing that he is the main problem in TTC he probably is just trying to cope by letting off some steam with workmates.
If I were you, I would maybe book in a couple of nice date nights and invest in your relationship more than TTC. Some people look for love their whole lives and never find it, I had to remind myself I was lucky to have OH even though so many women I knew had babies and it hurt so much, they didn't necessarily have some of the blessings I did...Again it's that perspective thing. Really hope you and DH sort it soon. We booked a skiing holiday and it just gave us something else to focus on and pulled us closer together again, maybe a mini break may help you guys to reconnect? X

I was worried about overstimming needforspeed but had my scan yesterday and all looks good

Blossom I don't think I do treat him like a sperm factory ! But the fact is you need to have sex to get pregnant... there's not much I can do about that!

Fabulous sorry you had a difficult experience too, thank you for sharing. You are right about communicating. I will speak to him

Wild thanks for sharing yours too it's absolutely something I consider - what if we can't have children? I don't take for granted anymore than we will

Duck you're right I do need to focus back on us and being thankful for DH. I'll try to find ways for us to unwind together

I totally relaxed and got pregnant! I may have had the teensiest bit of IVF that month too.

We TTC for three years before we had our one shot at IVF. I am a bit thankful that we got the time to go on some amazing holidays and saved up enough so I could take a whole year of mat leave. I should say that we had an easy time of TTC. We had unexplained infertility, didn't have any miscarriages, I had one laporoscopy and DH had normal sperm on the second test (first was poor). This doesn't mean that I didn't lose my shit a lot with his cycling and every time he had a drink! I was frequently a MESS.

This is just one part of your life together, and though TTC can be all consuming, the future holds a LOT in store for you, both good and bad, that you'll be facing together. Good luck.

Lol marzipants thank you for sharing, that made me smile

@Jam I honestly wasn't trying to say you don't appreciate your DH, just from my personal experience I didn't. It took my sister, who has two beautiful children by a cheating husband who walked out when she was pregnant, giving me a bit of a talking to to make me appreciate what I have. It can also help with the pain of what you don't have. Xx

I agree that you are overreacting. Do you want him stuck in a hotel room on his own?

You need to calm down and relax a bit, otherwise you'll put your relationship under a lot of strain and it may not survive.

@SandyY2K ever heard of reading the thread before throwing your tuppence in?

@hter I did read the thread. I think it's an overreaction.

Focus on the OP instead of responding to me.

Yes, it was an overreaction. There are two adults in this scenario and both are stressed. Being told off because vyou dared to relax is totally uncalled for. It was ONE time.

Hopefully he won't feel resentful going forward over the control. And it is control.

I'm glad the op has got support on here, but I'm not going to ignore her reaction and say it's ok when it's not.

Doesn't matter if it's irrational, it's bloody understandable! Don't beat yourself up OP, just keep on keeping on, you sound like a really lovely, kind and intelligent woman having a bloody hard time.

Sandy if you had read the thread you would see I wrote several times that I do not want him to be alone in his hotel room. I just want him to drink less to help us improve our chances

I don't really believe you @SandyY2K. If you did you wouldn't have written something so pointless except as a "I want to berate the OP" bandwagon thing.

Not one person has said to the OP it was a great idea but she agreed herself ages ago and has already taken steps to resolve it.

Why do people come in after something like 176 posts to post something stupid like that?

Thank you kingdomforbrie

Bluebell I can't be bothered to defend myself again. Please read the thread. I admitted to being in the wrong and apologised to my husband. I'm not perfect and I very much doubt you are too!

Duck no worries I didn't read it like that but also I think I can sometime be in danger of taking him for granted

Deckoff he has sent me several long replies about how not conceiving is making him feel - very low by the sounds of it and he said he was blowing off steam. So basically what loads of you guessed. I said I didn't want him to be unhappy and I apologised for being horrible to him about getting drunk but that it made me feel we are not a team and that he's not thinking of my feelings. It's very hard to sort out properly whilst he is so far away he gets home tomorrow so we will have a proper conversation then

OP I get where you're coming from.

When TTC (took us a while) I remember asking DH not to cycle or have hot baths as it would reduce his sperm quality. Looking back it was ridiculous but when you are in that moment desperately trying to get pregnant it is not fun.

Hope it happens for you

Oh jamon, I remember these feelings all too well

Has your DH had his prolactin levels checked? Our fertility problems were down to male factor issues and it turned out to be because he had high prolactin. If it hasn't been tested, it might be worth asking the docs to check it.

No advice to offer but I'll suggest that first thing when he comes through the door give him a big hug. It sounds like you both need it. It can't be easy on either of you. Sending you lots of love and strength in these stressful times.

Jamon, Who is perfect? I'm glad you apologised, I had missed that.

I also agree with giving him a big hug. This whole situation is clearly hugely stressful and you both supporting each other is crucial.

I wonder if the first question they ask you at the fertility clinic is if you tried just relaxing

Anyway! Op don't beat yourself up you're on some horrendous drugs and your dh needs to recognise that, you are not yourself so try to be kind to yourself

Bumwad less cycling and no hot baths is perfectly reasonable advice. Both of those are high up on the urologists don't lists

Deckoff perhaps it will. Yes his job does make this extra hard.

Faith he hasn't I haven't heard of that

Thanks hedwig I think a hug is probably on the cards following by a big chat...

I've just had a lovely drink and chat with a volunteer from the UK fertility network which has massively helped. Thanks for all your advice too. Especially from those who have been through this. The infertility boards are incredible but tend to be people going through it now. It's very helpful coming here and hearing experiences of people who have come out the other side. It reminds me that this is a phase of my life and not forever