I have just caught my husband watching porn.

[Squiggletum]

My husband, who always claimed to agree with me about the porn industry. Walked into the bathroom and hurriedly closed something on his phone. When I jokingly asked what he was doing he couldn't look at me and just said nothing a few times. Then I realised it wa actually something bad. Kids were around so I couldn't say much. I asked again and he said 'I got sent a dodgy video'. It must be how he accessed it. His immature friends send videos Occassionally and they are disgusting. As far as I knew, he deleted them. A lot of them aren't meant to be arousing, I think they're aiming for disgusting and funny. No idea what the content of this one was. Anything even vaguely 'adult' is blocked on our internet and he is not tech savvy at all so would have no idea how to get around that. So he's most likely telling the truth and didn't go looking for it. Still pressed play though. Kids briefly just left the room and he came over and told me he knows there was no excuse and nothing he can say and what do I want him to do. Just wanted him to get away from me tbh. I feel sick. He's offered to take the baby to his nans, said he assumes I now won't want to go to baby group with him this afternoon. I said just leave, as I get out of my face and he thought I wanted him to get out of the house. He asked whether i meant permanently. He obviously knows how much of an important issue this is for me. Aside from the fact he's just destroyed my trust in him, I have been a victim of two attempted rapes and some sexual assaults. He fucking knows my opinions on consent and the porn industry and knowing that it came from his friends doesn't fill me with confidence that this was some female friendly porn. Probably fucking disgusting and degrading.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Feel sick. I don't particularly want him to leave the house and me have all these things running through my mind but I don't know what to say to him either. My mind is a bit jumbled.

And I don't want this to become a thing about how all men watch porn and it's fine. Not fine for me. He watched porn a bit before we got together as far as I'm aware. I don't care. I do care about him doing it whilst in a relationship with me and he knows that and has known all along and has chosen to do it.

I have been raped. The anal rape was worse than the vaginal actually. I had to have stitches. My view is still the same.

Then please accept the OP, and many others like her have the opinion we have also.

Content wise, I would find this pretty gross too. I'm not down with bum fisting and poo stuff. Just find it gross, personally. I'm just saying that for context. I'm not one of the 'cool girls'.

I think your husband is lying to you about his motives. He watched porn before you got together so the thing about 'sharing your views' is clearly bollocks. I think it would be more honest of him if he said, 'I do enjoy porn but I'm not going to watch any out of respect for YOUR views'. The reason he blamed you ('my wife caught me') rather than standing up to them as you so want him to do, is because he doesn't share your views.

Secondly, he's being completely stupid opening links sent to him on Whatsapp. What happens if it's something illegal? Or something so extreme he can never unsee it? Does he want to be the dad that gets arrested for viewing child porn, for example? Because that's the risk he takes when he's opening unsolicited links from people who clearly have poor boundaries.

Thirdly, whilst I can understand that you feel disgusted about him watching the video, I think you need to look at your reaction to him. You said: the utter disappointment that is my husband - which seems to write off everything he is in one sweeping sentence. I know you're disappointed right now but you're supposed to love this person. Curiosity or arousal about these kinds of videos are one part of who he is, not the whole picture. You're not reacting to him in a way that's going to make him able to communicate with you - he's just going to try to appease you. You've also been very harsh and angry with people on here (what's the matter with you people?! etc) and said you have few friends. I think you need to perhaps consider your responses to people. It's fine to have strong moral boundaries. It's not fine to be unpleasant to people around you who don't conform to your standards. How would you want him to react to you as the one person that's supposed to love you more than anyone on your very worst day, your very worst action?

I think you're wasting your time posting on here with so many "cool" loons around lol 😂 everyone has boundaries which I'm sure you discussed and agreed before you committed a lifetime to with someone you thought you knew. I can't see the difference in agreeing on monogamy as a boundary in marriage and one where you don't like porn and both agree not to involve yourself in. What's the difference? Why is one an acceptable boundary whilst the other is a form of control?! The mind boggles. I'm with you OP. You shouldn't have to keep an eye on him you should be able to trust him. I personally wouldn't have any respect for anyone who carried on like that

*So on top of you bullying him for daring to watch a video his friends sent of which you disapproved, he's also been isolated from his friends to keep you happy.

I hope he runs. You are very abusive and controlling.*

What thread have you been reading?

In regards to the OP, the porn itself isn't so much the issue it's the betrayal. I think it's only you OP that can work through those feelings.

As he's been 'caught' he will probably find a different way to watch it and I suppose you have to weigh up whether you can stay in the relationship or not?

I think talking with him once it's all blown over and explaining your past to him is a good idea. On the flip side I don't think it's ok to tell people what they can or can't watch porn - even though yes, I've raped.

Are you sure he saved the video? I get lots of videos in whatsapp and it took me ages to work out how to stop the videos downloading on to the phone. You said he isn't tech savvy and auto download seems to be the default setting in Whatsapp.

As for knowing what to do next. Do what you want to do. If you can't get past it, then ltb. Seems strange to me, but I find very often that LTB seems to be the go to phrase for any sort of misdemeanour. But you have stressed vehemently that he knows how you feel and he did this knowing that. Actions have consequences.

Well his friends sound absolutely vile. These are the kind of men that make my skin crawl. I can't imagine any of DH's friends making a racist comment or mentioning porn - inside or outside of our home. Who does that?

Your DH needs to raise his standards and lose these creeps.

Yes, I see him as weak. Why would my self esteem be bad? My self esteem is better than it's ever been. I am confident in who I am and what I want from life/relationships. It's not the idea of porn that I find terrible. Humans find looking at that stuff arousing. It's the reality. Red blooded male is hilarious. We have fairly mismatched sex drives. We started out as fuck buddies, at my suggestion. We had sex every day at least once. I honestly thought that's what I was 'signing up for'. Perhaps he is controlling for denying me those levels of sex when I was led to believe that's what I'd be getting? He's the one who wanted us to be more, then to get married, then to have a baby. Horrible controlling woman that I am.

I didn't say I don't accept the OP. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Setting aside the rights and wrongs of porn, it sounds as though your DH is very weak-willed and unassertive, and that you have very little respect or liking for him.

How would you feel about a separation, OP?

I'm sorry this has happened, OP. It sounds like space is what you need right now.

Ultimately you will need to decide whether you can get past this and continue in your relationship, or whether this is a deal breaker and you have to start working out how to separate. You don't have to decide this immediately.

At the end of the day you can't control what he does; the porn, the attitude with his mates, but you can control your reaction to it and what you choose to do next. Focus on that, the bits you can control, and start to make plans and decisions on that basis.

@Squiggletum I don't think you are controlling and a bully, sorry to hear what you've been through previously... I would love to offer some advice but I just don't know how to.

I don't understand why you've made this thread if "I am confident in who I am and what I want from life/relationships". Surely just get on with it then?

I have very little respect or liking right now. In real life I am quiet. The reason I don't have many friends isn't because I walk up to people in the street and start screaming 'FUCKERRRRRR' in their faces I'm allowed to spew my anger and hurt over my own thread on an anonymous forum.

I generally respect and love him to bits. Fucking supported him in every area of his life. And his family. Above and beyond would be an appropriate way of describing it, but why wouldn't I, he's my husband and I love him. We're supposed to be a team.

I didn't say I don't accept the OP. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

Yes but this thread is not a debate about who is into porn and who is not, the OP has made it clear she won't have it in her life, she's asking for advice in that respect not to be goaded and bullied into accepting it because hey, yous all do, really pathetic argument there.

OP, you are my kind of gal, confident, proud and know your boundaries.

So it sounds as though you're actually really invested in this relationship and would like to find a way through what's happened, if you can...???

I agree it isn't. See my advice up thread

Bloody hell. For those who need it, here's a little breakdown.

1. Happy in relationship, confident about life, generally feeling good about shit.

1. Find out husband has lied about something quite important to me. Then acts like a pathetic child.

1. Feel shocked, angry and hurt so start a thread to let it all out and get advice on what to do cos I felt sick and couldn't look at him.

Does that clear things up? This has nothing to do with my self esteem. I don't think badly about myself because he looked at disgusting porn videos and lied to me about how he felt about them. I think badly of him!

There is nothing wrong with your self esteem - don't justify yourself!

Also.. why is it your business if one of them takes off his wedding ring on a night out? Yeah it's awful, but you're not the morality police.

The friends are from school and were there before you, you knew they were part of the package. Unless they're doing something to harm your family or something illegal it's your husband's choice to keep them as friends.

Some of this seems blown out of proportion.

He watched a video sent to him by someone else:

• like many posters mentioned he did not seek it out
• what's app pics and videos get saved on the memory of the phone regardless of being opened or not
• he did not wank to it or get aroused by it
• he probably watched it out of morbid curiosity (not sure if I'm the only one on here but I have definitely watched videos and other things before just because I was too curious to stop wether or not it was due to being amusing/disgusting/concerning/weird etc)

He does seem like he has low self esteem and lacks confidence and assertiveness but from what you mentioned in this post its not just when it comes to his friends.

If I watched a video my DP disapproved of he would not call me an 'utter disappointment' and 'fucking irresponsible piece of shit' he definitely would not tell me to 'get the fuck out of the house'. And if he did I would seriously question how he feels about me and how he values me.
Unless there's other underlying issues there it seems like a massive overreaction.

I understand you have set your boundaries straight and you have strong morals but to call your other half pathetic, disgusting and a piece of shit and kick them out of their house for doing something like that seems very extreme. Do you want to be with him?

I think you might have some anger issues too op.

Hopefully he'll start his own thread about his suffocating wife.

Bet he can't do fuck all.

It's not extreme when you've suffered sexual assaults and attempted rapes in your life; of course that will massively impact on your views around consensual (or lack of it) sex; you'd be dead if it didn't!

OP, such a shame that some folk on here have to attack you personally as being lacking in confidence, self esteem, really pathetic and makes them look inadequate, not you!

You're angry, that will subside then you can sit down with him and work out a compromise.

Calm the fuck down for a start what a total overreaction to something he was innocently sent. Ask him to leave the whatsapp group. End of problem.

I understand you have set your boundaries straight and you have strong morals but to call your other half pathetic, disgusting and a piece of shit and kick them out of their house for doing something like that seems very extreme. Do you want to be with him?

Exactly what I was thinking. These are pretty strong words to use about a loved one.