I have just caught my husband watching porn.

[Squiggletum]

My husband, who always claimed to agree with me about the porn industry. Walked into the bathroom and hurriedly closed something on his phone. When I jokingly asked what he was doing he couldn't look at me and just said nothing a few times. Then I realised it wa actually something bad. Kids were around so I couldn't say much. I asked again and he said 'I got sent a dodgy video'. It must be how he accessed it. His immature friends send videos Occassionally and they are disgusting. As far as I knew, he deleted them. A lot of them aren't meant to be arousing, I think they're aiming for disgusting and funny. No idea what the content of this one was. Anything even vaguely 'adult' is blocked on our internet and he is not tech savvy at all so would have no idea how to get around that. So he's most likely telling the truth and didn't go looking for it. Still pressed play though. Kids briefly just left the room and he came over and told me he knows there was no excuse and nothing he can say and what do I want him to do. Just wanted him to get away from me tbh. I feel sick. He's offered to take the baby to his nans, said he assumes I now won't want to go to baby group with him this afternoon. I said just leave, as I get out of my face and he thought I wanted him to get out of the house. He asked whether i meant permanently. He obviously knows how much of an important issue this is for me. Aside from the fact he's just destroyed my trust in him, I have been a victim of two attempted rapes and some sexual assaults. He fucking knows my opinions on consent and the porn industry and knowing that it came from his friends doesn't fill me with confidence that this was some female friendly porn. Probably fucking disgusting and degrading.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Feel sick. I don't particularly want him to leave the house and me have all these things running through my mind but I don't know what to say to him either. My mind is a bit jumbled.

And I don't want this to become a thing about how all men watch porn and it's fine. Not fine for me. He watched porn a bit before we got together as far as I'm aware. I don't care. I do care about him doing it whilst in a relationship with me and he knows that and has known all along and has chosen to do it.

"Personally I consider it sound judgement to find sex involving fecal matter, or potential physical damage to the anus and rectum, to be gross."

Bless you!

She is describing it because it's helpful for people (who actually want to help and offer advice) to have context.

Jesus wept.

I think it's two issues; how you feel about porn and how he feels about porn. If it's a deal breaker for you, that's your right and your choice. If it's something he's into (and I suspect if it's happened a few times he's not that naive about it and is actively enjoying it) then you're going to have to work out a compromise that suits you both. I've no idea what the compromise is and there's no point saying "I'd do x, y and z" because everyone's boundaries are different.

If he knows your background and why you feel so strongly about this, then he's enormously U to continue. Only you can decide if it's something you're able to move through or not.

Its only disgusting to her though isn't it.
She's made her attitude clear to him however, right from the start, and he's (outwardly at least,) agreed with her, and knows how important the matter is to her.
If your DH knew you found something beyond the pale, told you that he found it unacceptable as well, and then you found he'd gone and done that thing more than once - well, wouldn't you lose some respect for him too? For not being truthful about how he actually felt, if nothing else?

Nice to see the Cool Girls out in force.

OP- if porn is a deal breaker then ask him to leave while you process what's happened and decide what you want to do next.

For what it's worth it would be a deal breaker for me too.

I'm being judgemental about kinky sex. Ha! I am in a relationship with a sexually unadventurous man. The judgements I'm getting here are hilarious. At least it has taken my mind off the utter disappointment that is my husband. And so what if I sound scary? Why shouldn't I be fucking raging right now? Should I be fucking meek and mild, looking to appease him? He's welcome to leave at any point, I don't hold him in this relationship.

The reason some of the content is relevant is because I think it's probably come from a highly dubious source. That is not standard stuff.

OP - do you want to split up? Yes? Leave him. Do you want to be with him? Yes? Stay with him, accepting that this happened and will happen again because they are juvenile. Controlling him however and moaning about it, making him furtive is not an option.Obvious really.He's not your child to dictate to. You dont like his character, there is the door.

If someone tried to control what I watched, I'd be out the door. If they went ballistic over it, I would consider them an abuser. Yabu, controlling and bullying and if a woman came on here saying her partner was going crazy because he 'caught' her watching something he didn't like, everybody would tell her to ltb.

It's never nice to be confronted with this. Time is a healer though. Convince yourself he's telling the truth when he says he'll never do it again.

Or LTB if you still feel strongly about it after a few days.

Many posters haven't read the OP clearly. She explained right at the start that he claims to agree with her about porn. He also knows she's a rape survivor. And his children use his phone where he'd saved this video.

Oh, and she posted for support. Not opinions on the porn industry.

Again, your me-rails are self indulgent, and some of them are purposefully goady.

The video sounds disgusting but tbh it seems that your dp doesn't genuinely share your opinion of viewing that sort of stuff, and he probably doesn't share your opinion of porn either. It's very likely that he just agrees with you to make you feel secure and happy, especially in light of what happened in your past. Only you can decide if that's a deal breaker in your relationship.

So a man agrees wholeheartedly not to do certain things, because he believes they're wrong, and because he knows how his partner feels about them. He assures her he would never do those things. Then he goes and does that thing, and his partner is furious that he's done so.
How in holy hell is she controlling for being pissed about it? Honestly, I despair at the Cool Girls' lack of basic logic as soon as porn is mentioned.
They had an understanding, she thought he felt the same way as her, and then he went behind her back and broke the agreement. She has every right to be fuming and angry.

Bullying, really?

It's like some people see the words 'DH' and 'porn' in the thread title then go in all guns blazing with without actually reading the content.

If someone tried to control what I watched, I'd be out the door. If they went ballistic over it, I would consider them an abuser. Yabu, controlling and bullying and if a woman came on here saying her partner was going crazy because he 'caught' her watching something he didn't like, everybody would tell her to ltb.

Exactly my point.

This. If you don't have anything to offer apart from 'poor manz' then don't bother posting, so unhelpful.

Freedom of speech -
noun
the power or right to express one's opinions without censorship, restraint, or legal penalty.

Kinky sex, shitting on each other and fisting, nah sorry neither of them would do it for me and I'm no prude, just goes to show there are some right disgusting folk out there getting aroused with shite lol.

OP, totally with you on this, especially when you've been sexually assaulted; I hate the porn industry too, just because it's online everywhere doesn't make it ok to access, I guess as humans we do have a weird fascination with the gross but what he has done is just not on, it's not a sackable offence but he needs to know you're not happy and I think he does; I'd also ask that his friends stop sending him these vile videos, your kids might get his phone and be traumatised for life.

Good luck, and you're not alone, we don't all have porn in our relationships.

Orlando, doesn't that mean other posters have the freedom to tell you how pointless and unhelpful such posts are, and that they shouldn't be bothered with?

It's very likely that he just agrees with you to make you feel secure and happy

I think it's more likely that he agreed with her because he didn't want to end the relationship but he also didn't want to stop this particular habit either. Classic case of having his cake and eating it.

So you've obviously caught him now and scared him

He will be more careful in future I'm sure! Op.... he's obviously been watching it all and enjoying it secretly.

Not much you can do to stop him. Is he overly apologetic?

Freedom of speech has nothing to do with this thread, Orlando. You are on Mumsnet and therefore subject to MNHQ's talk guidelines. If you break them they can and will censor your posts, right down to deletions and banning.

OP I'm hoping you haven't been driven off your own thread by the me-railers.
Have you given any more thought to what you'll do next?

Oh yes Scrumple of course it does! But posters shouldn't read the comment I put in bold (cannot be arsed to redo it) and feel prevented to put forth their opinion.

Men are so lucky there are so many women prepared to fight for their inalienable right to be arseholes.

somerville
I have only put forth an opinion and I'm fairly sure MN doesn't ban people for putting forth an opinion simply because it differs from the OPs. This is derailing OPs thread.

I would hope that they do feel prevented to put forth their opinion on this particular thread to be honest.

Op is looking for support and advice, not a debate on the rights and wrongs of porn and how awful and controlling she is for not wanting it in her relationship. If you want that sort of discussion then start a thread in aibu or something.

Eeeew, a Whatsapp group passing round gross videos, nah, I'd definitely lose respect too, what age is he, 14?

This would not be a big issue for me. I would not want a partner who wanted to impose their views on me. I suppose you must be so domineering on this point that he has felt obliged or pushed into "agreeing" with you. The way forward is a frank discussion, with no expectation of agreement and see where you go.