I have just caught my husband watching porn.

[Squiggletum]

My husband, who always claimed to agree with me about the porn industry. Walked into the bathroom and hurriedly closed something on his phone. When I jokingly asked what he was doing he couldn't look at me and just said nothing a few times. Then I realised it wa actually something bad. Kids were around so I couldn't say much. I asked again and he said 'I got sent a dodgy video'. It must be how he accessed it. His immature friends send videos Occassionally and they are disgusting. As far as I knew, he deleted them. A lot of them aren't meant to be arousing, I think they're aiming for disgusting and funny. No idea what the content of this one was. Anything even vaguely 'adult' is blocked on our internet and he is not tech savvy at all so would have no idea how to get around that. So he's most likely telling the truth and didn't go looking for it. Still pressed play though. Kids briefly just left the room and he came over and told me he knows there was no excuse and nothing he can say and what do I want him to do. Just wanted him to get away from me tbh. I feel sick. He's offered to take the baby to his nans, said he assumes I now won't want to go to baby group with him this afternoon. I said just leave, as I get out of my face and he thought I wanted him to get out of the house. He asked whether i meant permanently. He obviously knows how much of an important issue this is for me. Aside from the fact he's just destroyed my trust in him, I have been a victim of two attempted rapes and some sexual assaults. He fucking knows my opinions on consent and the porn industry and knowing that it came from his friends doesn't fill me with confidence that this was some female friendly porn. Probably fucking disgusting and degrading.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Feel sick. I don't particularly want him to leave the house and me have all these things running through my mind but I don't know what to say to him either. My mind is a bit jumbled.

And I don't want this to become a thing about how all men watch porn and it's fine. Not fine for me. He watched porn a bit before we got together as far as I'm aware. I don't care. I do care about him doing it whilst in a relationship with me and he knows that and has known all along and has chosen to do it.

Op is looking for support and advice, not a debate on the rights and wrongs of porn and how awful and controlling she is for not wanting it in her relationship. If you want that sort of discussion then start a thread in aibu or something.

Well said, the pro porno's seem to not be able to accept that some of us actually do not use it, they just can't get their heads around the fact that we don't need it or want it, it's weird isn't it.

Trying to tell someone they should be cool with something they find gross and offensive as well as morally wrong is just pointless, we all have certain morals on things, porn is no different to that.

No, I didn't post asking for opinions on porn use in a relationship. More like what would be useful to me right now cos I can't think straight. To all those who find me controlling, if we ever end up in a relationship (highly unlikely as I am very upfront about my morals and boundaries in an attempt to find similar partners) feel free to leave me. I made this clear before we were even a couple. He said he shared the same views. I'd be just as shocked and questioning who he was if he suddenly turned around and told me he believed in God and was now religious. Without the revulsion of course.

I'm not going to engage with anybody usin this shit episode in my life as an opportunity to discuss their opinions on porn. I'd appreciate if other people stopped engaging too cos I really do need some advice and support and it's not helping. I don't have that many friends in real life and my family are ultra religious and would be shocked to their very core. Don't need to be dealing with that right now.

I have actually just lost my temper and told him to get the fuck out of the house. He told his friends to stop sending those videos but made sure to phrase it so that its oh my wife caught me and she's so angry at me. Tried to backtrack a bit and say oh it's my fault for watching them though, but predictably, it's now all a big joke. He apparently didn't mean it like that. Didn't know how to phrase it. Why bring me into it at all? Cos he hasn't got the guts to stand up to his friends and tell them to stop sending them because they're fucking disgusting and it's not appropriate when he has kids around. Still tried to save face with his thick, racist, pieces of shit friends. I'm not sure he could have said anything worse, tbh. He admires that I have particular values that I actually live by and follow when they get put to the test, but he just has no backbone. Disappointingly pathetic.

OP I think the real issue here is why does he keep such stupid friends? Even teenagers (hopefully) know to block people who send that kind of filth. It may even be illegal?

How old is he?

His confidence sounds very low and his friends sound pathetic. Most men would be embarrassed to send this kind of thing out in a group forum. It's so easy to block people on WhatsApp - why would he not have done that? However, this aside, it is not as if he's gone trawling the internet to find this kind of thing off his own bat. There is a difference. Maybe if his friends had a bit more about them, this kind of thing wouldn't have even occurred to your DH?

It sounds like he is fully aware he has overstepped the mark with you. At least he's not trying to justify it.

I take it you would not accept any porn at all? Would you react in this way if you caught him masturbating to nothing?

He is probably mortified. He needs to get off this WhatsApp and get some new friends. I agree with a PP that sometimes you simply might watch something out of a kind of morbid fascination. Do you really think he would get off in that kind of thing anyway? Few would, to be honest.

If he's in a WhatsApp group it will go to everyone.... he has the choice to just scroll on past.... it's not like they are targeting and sending them exclusively to him

It's his choice

He is a man child if being one of the guys takes priority over his marriage.
Agree with all your comments op. .
He either overhauls his whole friendship circle and takes steps to prove to you he is remorseful or ltb. .

I'm going to step out here.
Hope you can resolve this however you see fit OP. He is being an immature twat about it though, I do agree with you there. Hopefully you will gain whatever it is you are after from this thread.

The problem with WhatsApp is that any photos or videos are immediately saved into your photos on your phone as soon as you open the conversation so he will have to remember to go and delete them straight away. I'm not defending him just explaining how they get on your phone.

What on earth is he part of this immature conversation? He needs to tell them to stop posting stuff or leave the conversation?

I would not be telling him to do anything, he's an adult he knows why you are upset, but I certainly would not stand for it, it's disgusting and immature. He needs to sort it out. Tell him to go out and figure out what's more important in life

It's raw OP, you're angry, understandable esp with kids about, if a child saw that they'd really never forget it.

I'd leave it for now until you are calmer then have a good chat with him about how this has made you feel, I am sure watching two men shit on each other is easily given up by him when he sees how inappropriate it really is. He needs to tell them to stop sending them too, one day he might get one that could involve a visit from the Police, yes this has happened to someone I know.

Surely the two of you can work this out so you are both happy.

It is pathetic.

sorry you are going through this

Sorry you don't have anyone to confide in IRL.

Did you see texts where he was blaming you for not wanting to get the videos any more, or did he tell you? Not that making him leave for a while sounds like a bad idea: you need space.

I always think you can tell a lot about someone by the company they choose to keep, and his friends sound horrendous.

Remember that rape crisis are on the other end of the phone line, if this has been triggering.

I'm sorry I don't get the issue? What is wrong with porn?! Both myself and my friend have bought pornos for partners previously. They're going to do it regardless, and it genuinely doesn't bother me in the slightest. Could this be about your self esteem?

Stopping a red blooded man watching porn is never going to end well in my personal opinion. I see it as controlling. I know I'm going to get grief for saying that by women who control their partners, but I'm entitled to my opinion....

Sounds like you could do with some counselling op and to work on your trust issues

Anyone remember 2 girls one cup? I got sent it more than once by "friends" and out of complete curiosity watched about 1 minute of it before I wanted to throw up. Why? Morbid curiosity I suppose. I am not saying it is right, doesn't mean your husband was getting off on it.

I would say OP he obviously watches porn, but your feelings on it makes him hide it, and its made it more of an attraction perhaps. Your boundaries, your fight. I guess you have to decide if it is a deal breaker for you.

Advice and support:

1. Stop talking to a bunch of strangers on the internet if you don't want their opinions
2. Talk to your DH, which is what you should have done in the first place, is his problem to do with being peer led or does he have an appetite for pornography that you cannot live with.

Sometimes listening to other people's opinions helps you find out where on the spectrum of views you are, and helps put things into context, I think that really you just want affirmation of your own views and to evade discussing the matter with him.

It sounds like your problem is that he is weak and not able to make a stand within his mates group, rather than him being some kind of porn-addicted perv.

For those of you calling the OP, controlling OTT, perhaps if you had suffered two attempted rapes and sexual assaults your view on porn would be different, have some bloody empathy.

If a man came on here looking for support and help with controlling and abusing his wife who had the audacity to look at something her friends sent her which he didn't approve of, he would be eaten alive on here.

Yabvvvu and bullying. That's not OK and you don't need support in continuing your behaviour, you need support in recognising and overcoming it.

I can't see what's controlling about expecting an adult to not have filth saved on an unlocked phone a child could access.

Oh here we go, you must have low self esteem, trust issues if you don't include porn in your relationship, how fucken patronising and wrong.

Justdontgetit - you really don't eh.

You can actually change your settings on whatsapp so that things don't get saved automatically. I had to do this otherwise I would have ended up with loads of random meme's from friends taking up space on my phone (nothing gross though).

I would be livid to with the way he has described you as the 'hysterical wife' to his friends. That's not ok and encourages his friends to disrespect you too, how long as he been friends with these people? Are they especially close?

He is 30. I don't know why. They are a group of friends from school, still friends now. I just told him exactly what I think of his friends and he said 'I know, why do you think I barely see them anymore?'. Which is true, he doesn't. They have been there for him through lots of things but they are very different people now. My husband hates confrontation so when they come out with racist shit or anything vile he just goes 'mmm'. The bloke who was best man at our wedding said 'how does she know, that's what the bathroom's for'.

I had to ask one of them to leave my house when he said, in front of my six year old son, that he had watched porn the night before and 'you've got to, haven't you?'. They were leaving anyway and others did tell him to shut up but nobody is actually brave enough to tell him straight. He told me that he takes his wedding ring off when he goes on nights out. He seemed to think I would laugh at that and got pretty funny with me when I treated him like the scum he is. That's what they're like. But I'm not married to them.

Some of these replies are just fkn nuts.

1. He did not actively seek out, search or desire porn - of any kind, let alone scat.

1. He did not wank to it

1. It was sent to him outside his own violation

1. He could never have known the contents before hitting play. Suspected it was dodgy? Perhaps - but knew it was something that would so violently offend? No.

YANBU to be upset that he lied about watching it. A lie is a lie and a breach of trust.

But YABU to treat him like an extreme porn wankateer. And IMO over reacting to what amounted to a click and "oh fuck - this isn't appropriate " moment.

His friends sound truly vile, and I hate racists too!

That guy sounds like a complete arsehole.

For those of you calling the OP, controlling OTT, perhaps if you had suffered two attempted rapes and sexual assaults your view on porn would be different, have some bloody empathy.

I have been raped. The anal rape was worse than the vaginal actually. I had to have stitches. My view is still the same.

So on top of you bullying him for daring to watch a video his friends sent of which you disapproved, he's also been isolated from his friends to keep you happy.

I hope he runs. You are very abusive and controlling.

No you're not OP.