I have just caught my husband watching porn.

[Squiggletum]

My husband, who always claimed to agree with me about the porn industry. Walked into the bathroom and hurriedly closed something on his phone. When I jokingly asked what he was doing he couldn't look at me and just said nothing a few times. Then I realised it wa actually something bad. Kids were around so I couldn't say much. I asked again and he said 'I got sent a dodgy video'. It must be how he accessed it. His immature friends send videos Occassionally and they are disgusting. As far as I knew, he deleted them. A lot of them aren't meant to be arousing, I think they're aiming for disgusting and funny. No idea what the content of this one was. Anything even vaguely 'adult' is blocked on our internet and he is not tech savvy at all so would have no idea how to get around that. So he's most likely telling the truth and didn't go looking for it. Still pressed play though. Kids briefly just left the room and he came over and told me he knows there was no excuse and nothing he can say and what do I want him to do. Just wanted him to get away from me tbh. I feel sick. He's offered to take the baby to his nans, said he assumes I now won't want to go to baby group with him this afternoon. I said just leave, as I get out of my face and he thought I wanted him to get out of the house. He asked whether i meant permanently. He obviously knows how much of an important issue this is for me. Aside from the fact he's just destroyed my trust in him, I have been a victim of two attempted rapes and some sexual assaults. He fucking knows my opinions on consent and the porn industry and knowing that it came from his friends doesn't fill me with confidence that this was some female friendly porn. Probably fucking disgusting and degrading.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Feel sick. I don't particularly want him to leave the house and me have all these things running through my mind but I don't know what to say to him either. My mind is a bit jumbled.

And I don't want this to become a thing about how all men watch porn and it's fine. Not fine for me. He watched porn a bit before we got together as far as I'm aware. I don't care. I do care about him doing it whilst in a relationship with me and he knows that and has known all along and has chosen to do it.

Think you need to chill, it's fun to watch porn

"Think you need to chill, it's fun to watch porn"

Do you think about how it's made?

Yeah, there have been numerous documentaries about it, if it goes between concenting adults then how is it worse than spending your life behind a computer in an office, just because you would not do it does not mean it is bad, though people should never be forced to do anything they don't want to do

though people should never be forced to do anything they don't want to do

It is widely reported that some people in porn are though, Ohnoyoudont. just one of the collections of testimonies

I'll try again with that link, in case you're interested. stoptraffickingdemand.com/trafficking-within-the-industry/

No point denying it, that is bad and wrong and should not happen though unfortunately it does, same with prostitution, though I still believe that if it is between concenting adults, then go for it, and as for the op partner watching it, hey why not

Sorry op. I used to hate and constantly get paranoid over porn but now think of it as nothing but a distraction, or mechanism to make you come. The minute people come they have no need for it, ex off straight away. I mean its such a small part of basically nothing. Humans watching humans having sex to make them feel that effect. Don't over think it. Its just visual stimulation. Short and quick.

I'm not sure you can control someones life like this if he doesn't feel the same. I certainly would not allow a partner to tell me what I can and can't watch and do.
However it's certainly time for an open and honest conversation and if this is something you can't live with then you must agree that it is time to part company and try to keep it civil.
Bearing in mind most men lie to keep their partners sweet.

The requirement seems to be that he had exactly the same feelings as you on the subject of porn and I'm not surprised he didn't quite match up to them, tbh. I'm also not surprised he watched a video in secret. If you react angrily any time people demonstrate an opinion that does not sit with yours, they will be more inclined to hide things from you. Sorry but in answer to your question about what else he has lied about... he may well have been trying to keep you sweet, as a previous poster said, and did not think it would eventually blow up the way it has done. Nothing wrong with having strong opinions and high standards, I just think expecting other people to hold the exact same thoughts and feelings as you, all the time, is inevitably going to lead to pain (as shown by you calling your husband an "utter disappointment). If he's unable to be open and honest with you about his thoughts and opinions (and be in agreement with you if that is what you need him to be) , and you're unable to accept he has his own personal feelings and beliefs that can change all the time, it might be time to call it a day so you can find someone who does match up to your standards.

I tend to agree with the previous poster.

Being a thinking human being with moral agency means that one's opinions on all kinds of topics will inevitably be in flux. I've come to the decision that I no longer want to watch porn because of the harm I believe it causes, but I accept that a partner might be at a different stage. More is achieved by open dialogue than by punishment.

The problem with the harm in porn argument is that there are so many different types of porn. Lumping all porn together as harmful, either to the viewer or participants is not helpful.

I really enjoy porn. My DH and I watch it together, I watch it on my own and we have both consented to filming each other. We make an effort to watch ethical, decent, consensual porn. We avoid porn that comes from dodgy sources or looks and feels bad.

I don't think there is anything inherently wrong with watching other people having sex.

If ethical porn was what OP's DH was watching then you'd totally have a point, phoney. But it sounds like the complete opposite - short clips of really full-on stuff, with no sign of an ethical source.
And I'm never sure how one can be certain that porn were ethical and consensual - are there certain sites that have some kind of guarantee? (Genuine question)

The only person I know who has told me about being involved in porn did it as part of a couple, in her relationship. Unfortunately it was an abusive relationship and she hadn't really wanted to - and some of the time was drugged.

I think most people who watch it are like you Thephoneywar... we've all seen things that are just unpleasant in porn and navigated away from it. . People who occasionally watch porn are not horrible creepy addicts, yes the subject matter counts for a lot but I would say the majority of people have quite 'vanilla' tastes in porn because its just a tool to quickly get stuff moving, we dont get invested. Human beings are visual, it is what it is.I think the bottom line with the OP (bit of armchair psychology) is that the 'disappointment' she feels in her DH is actually not so much that as a failure in the control measures she thought were in place. That means he's capable of changing/individual choice and that scares OP and threatens her security. Its clear by the way she separated out our responses as sane or otherwise - if you didnt agree you weren't sane. OP needs complete compliance to feel safe and secure and that her worldview is right. As with most things that trouble us the root cause is fear.

"We make an effort to watch ethical, decent, consensual porn"

How do you do that?

As someone who's found out their H of 35 years is into incestual, graphic, hardcore porn then I have a very different views to some on here.
He's not the person I thought he was, he has a perverted view of women and now our (adult) children.
Sick doesn't begin to describe how I feel.

Totally sympathise with your pov on this, OP, but am not surprised the thread has gone this way. It's actually pretty hard to give advice/support beyond "Ltb if it's a deal-breaker for you" without getting into a discussion about the porn itself.

Essentially he blithely lied about his attitude to porn because he thought it was a little white lie that would keep you happy, a promise that he probably didn't have much intention of actually sticking to. Not a big deal to him. He didn't think it was important that it was a big deal to you. And now he's been caught out, he's acting as though of course it's a big deal, but he didn't realise and he's sooo sorry and horrified. Of course he'll say that. "I'm horrified and I didn't realise" is no defence - you told him how you felt. So he did realise - he just chose to decide it didn't matter how you felt.

@bertrandrussell, it's really not that hard. There are plenty of sites where you can find ethical consentual porn. I'm not going to link or name sites on here as I don't think it's allowed or wanted. Google is your friend.

Correction. There are plenty of sites that claim to provide ethical, consensual porn..........

As a rule of thumb- any porn which does not cost a reasonable amount of money is unlikely to be consensual or ethical. And, to make matters even more difficult, plenty of expensive porn isn't ethical or consensual either. Stick to filming yourselves and your friends. And even then, consent can be an issue.

Thephoneywar, please do link or, failing that, pm me. I really enjoy watching porn, but just can't square it with my conscience because, as other posters have said, it's currently simply not possible to be absolutely sure that it's not been produced in an abusive context...? In the absence of a regulator and system of certification, how could you be sure...?

I used to watch amateur stuff, in the mistaken belief that it was ethically preferable, until I watched a horrendous film that was similar to what Somerville described. That a film of a woman clearly being raped could be up on pornhub, unflagged and unremarked, made me realise I needed to wake up to what I was participating in. It's not trivial. Everyone who watches is complicit.

Every thread on porn watching eventually gets round to the ethical/consent argument, but what about the other damaging effects to a relationship? I'm sure I have read about the intimacy of a relationship being damaged by a partner enjoying watching the endless variety of other acts and bodies, and that a person in this position is more open to (or likely to) cheat, as they feel more unsatisfied and entitled to variety, and go that next step further. Obviously not everyone, but this would play on my mind more than the possibility of the stuff being unethical, if it was the 'nice' stuff he was enjoying.

What Rolo said. I think he will continue. We can't make people act a certain way, no matter how much they say they agree. Saying, thinking, feeling and doing are all different functions and they don't always line up. Haven't we all battled ourselves for example trying to eat well, be nice, think socially, drive safely only to bust calories, be critical, bypass the homeless and go 30 plus in a 30 zone?

And we all operate from a greater or lesser degree of self interest, being motivated differently. For example if OPs husband stopped it might be because he respects and agrees with her, or because he doesn't want to get caught again. And we also evolve our attitudes, for better for worse.

All this to say that against that backdrop it's helpful to see our own boundaries as something for us individually to observe, not other people. Most people have it the other way round, then get disappointed or confused with the boundary 'breacher' who attracts a disproportionate amount of their attention. Instead of saying, Ok that's a line for me here's what I'm going to do,
or reviewing their boundary.

This very much seems a key relationship issue, but I'm quite struck at how little, despite being asked (for context) the OP talks about how their relationship is. Rather she's focused on her DH and his friends.

Think cappy's nailed it there. Bit of buzz feed porn insight. It's a big industry which really can't be generalised.

16 Confessions From People Who Work In Porn That Might Surprise You www.buzzfeed.com/benhenry/track-the-butt?utm_term=.ij0LLYgpGY#.ij0LLYgpGY

I feel for you. It is horrible being lied to. I did this to my wife for years. The truth is I was in denial about the fact that I could not stop watching it. All this destroys huge amounts of trust.
Nothing is likely to change until he feels he can talk to you about it honestly without you getting too emotional or judgemental.
The point is that watching porn is often a compulsion, a way of dealing with anxiety. It does not stop him loving you but overtime it will blunt that love.
I think it helps to see porn users (often but not always) as addicts. The problem for the alcoholic is not the drinking it is the fact that the first drink is taken sober. What forces an alcoholic to take that drink? He or she knows it could kill him, he knows it will lead to a binge which will leave him in a very bad way. Yet the addict voice says do it and you do.
Porn is often very similar. You turn to it for release, typically from existential fear and anxiety. That sounds very grand! At a more mundane level, the problem with porn is it is always a click away. Life was better when you had to go to a shop and buy a mag - something I would never have done.
So things do not really change until the person has accepted they are an addict, that they are not in control of their behaviour. I do not think you can force someone to accept that. Anymore than you can force an alcoholic to accept they have a problem. But talking about it calmly without a lot of shame and hurt in evidence is a good start.
Sex Addicts Anonymous worked for me but there are other programmes.

It’s no trivial issue.Most women don’t realise that all porn sites have automatic link up to web cam sites and escort sites,it makes sense no?One would be very concerned to find dh on a porn site.