I have just caught my husband watching porn.

[Squiggletum]

My husband, who always claimed to agree with me about the porn industry. Walked into the bathroom and hurriedly closed something on his phone. When I jokingly asked what he was doing he couldn't look at me and just said nothing a few times. Then I realised it wa actually something bad. Kids were around so I couldn't say much. I asked again and he said 'I got sent a dodgy video'. It must be how he accessed it. His immature friends send videos Occassionally and they are disgusting. As far as I knew, he deleted them. A lot of them aren't meant to be arousing, I think they're aiming for disgusting and funny. No idea what the content of this one was. Anything even vaguely 'adult' is blocked on our internet and he is not tech savvy at all so would have no idea how to get around that. So he's most likely telling the truth and didn't go looking for it. Still pressed play though. Kids briefly just left the room and he came over and told me he knows there was no excuse and nothing he can say and what do I want him to do. Just wanted him to get away from me tbh. I feel sick. He's offered to take the baby to his nans, said he assumes I now won't want to go to baby group with him this afternoon. I said just leave, as I get out of my face and he thought I wanted him to get out of the house. He asked whether i meant permanently. He obviously knows how much of an important issue this is for me. Aside from the fact he's just destroyed my trust in him, I have been a victim of two attempted rapes and some sexual assaults. He fucking knows my opinions on consent and the porn industry and knowing that it came from his friends doesn't fill me with confidence that this was some female friendly porn. Probably fucking disgusting and degrading.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Feel sick. I don't particularly want him to leave the house and me have all these things running through my mind but I don't know what to say to him either. My mind is a bit jumbled.

And I don't want this to become a thing about how all men watch porn and it's fine. Not fine for me. He watched porn a bit before we got together as far as I'm aware. I don't care. I do care about him doing it whilst in a relationship with me and he knows that and has known all along and has chosen to do it.

You have every right to be against porn.

He has every right to wank to whatever he wants, even if it involves porn (legal obviously!)

I don't think you're right for each other.

It's not his fault you're against porn. If he said he was against you watching porn he'd be labelled controlling. So He shouldn't be made to feel guilty for watching something, just because you choose not to like it for whatever reason.

I wouldn't call someone who sends these videos round an 'offender' like you did he's not doing anything illegal! Again, you're entitled to be against something, but those who aren't against it aren't automatically offenders just because they view porn differently.

In a nut shell I think you're better off apart. He should be able to watch whatever he wants (legal) without having to worry about your feelings.

Him and his friends shouldn't be labelled and judged the way they are from you just because you disagree with what they do.

He's better off without you. Sorry

OP, here's what I'm hearing:

• You love your husband dearly.
• He fucked up in a big way.
• He has only fucked up one time and is doing everything he can to make it up to you.

I think you owe it to both of you to work through this. Sit him down when the kids are in bed, tell him he's out of the WhatsApp group because your kids cannot have access to that sort of stuff and clearly he can't keep tabs on it. Explain why you're so upset and really do try to work through it. Make it clear this is a once only chance.

You love him and he loves you.

I know how you feel op and it's fucking shit. Bollocks to people telling you how to feel - you don't like porn because porn is damaging as fuck and no one can deny that. I would respond exactly as you did. Best thing you can do is make him tell you the full truth about why he looked again, about what he's playing at and why he's behaving irresponsibly - try and remain calm and be an adult, you have the upper hand don't lose it

Good luck xx

Can I throw something into the mix here? is it porn, full stop you don't like? have you watched it together? or have you watched any based from the female, "Point of view"?
My ex never liked porn, thought it was degrading and demeaning to women, then she read in a magazine about porn made from the female point of view, this created an interest and she searched for some on the net and found it to be to her liking.
We watched it together and both enjoyed it, we re-enacted some of the scenes and learned new things to try and explore each other.
It was an enriching experience for us, but, we're all different and it may not be something you enjoy or are willing to partake in, it's your choice.

That's what I'm seeing right now. When I look at him and hear him saying 'oh, I didn't mean to put it across to my friends like that, I didn't realise that's how it would sound, it's not what I meant' it is just pathetic. What he said was the cowards way of dealing with things and opened it upto his friends all joking about me. It sounds as though he wanted me to tell him what to say. He kept asking what he should do. It was honestly... pathetic. I wasn't shouting at him and being horrible, I was just sitting there thinking about stuff and he still wanted me to sort it all out and tell him what to do.

I don't think he was wanking to the disgusting bits. He said the compilations often start off 'nice' and he has wanked to those bits. I don't think this particular video had any 'nice' bits. But I'm still shocked and disgusted that he watched that kind of stuff. Even if he wasn't aroused by it, why would he want to see something so degrading? It's like when there is a disaster or somebody has died or a beheading and people actually watch the video of it online. Why would anybody want to watch somebody being humiliated or hurt like that? I obviously don't have a problem with him wanking, he claims to not do it very often and I've only (accidentally) walked in on him doing it a couple of times since we've been together. I just believed him when he said he agreed with me about porn. He has in the past mentioned how upset and angry he would be if he found out I'd watched it and would consider it a form of cheating!

Jesus, what a ridiculous overreaction!

Please, OP, LTB so he can find someone who isn't controlling and can finally enjoy life without having to tread on eggshells around you (and yes, by his reaction to your histrionics, that's exactly what he's doing whether you want to admit it or not).

I don't really know what to say if you don't understand the meaning of the phrase 'the worst offender'. I don't mean a person that has committed a criminal offence. It's a commonly used phrase to describe the one person in a group who is either the ringleader or who takes part in the activity more than the others.

I just believed him when he said he agreed with me about porn. He has in the past mentioned how upset and angry he would be if he found out I'd watched it and would consider it a form of cheating!

Such a shame that he has lead you believe that when clearly he does not actually think it.

Horrible, I'd find that hard to equate too.

He has in the past mentioned how upset and angry he would be if he found out I'd watched it and would consider it a form of cheating!

That's one hell of a bloody drip feed OP.

As a PP said WhatsApp saves directly into photo stream. I'm always forgetting to delete the work rota sent via WhatsApp from my photos.

Your Dh sounds generally thoughtful with immature friends. He's done something a bit daft and sounds sorry I would forget it's happened and move forward.

That's not a drip feed at all. She's basically been saying that for 6 pages. 🙄🙄🙄

Ok, does the fact that he has said he would be angry and upset and consider it cheating if I watched pon change things? Is my reaction only controlling because he's a man and shouldn't be held to any kind of standard? What if I'd done it? Would he be controlling for reacting this way? Despite us both saying the same thing and choosing to set this boundary in our relationship? Can you see how ridiculous that is? We also both agreed to not have sex with other people. Is that controlling too? Perhaps we're a controlling match made in heaven. Or perhaps we sat down and had honest discussion, both seemed to agree, then one secretly went behind the other ones back and did it anyway, all the time still expressing disgust at the porn industry.

People on here are just trying to deal with the fact that their own life partners have no respect for them and hate women in general.

That's such bullshit. Watching porn does not mean you have no respect for women and hate women in general. How utterly bizarre!

As a woman, I regularly watch pretty hardcore porn, but I don't hate women nor have little respect for them.

How is one hell of a drip feed, the OP has clearly made from the start her feelings and his agreement on not accessing porn.

As for him walking on eggshells, so any woman who makes a stance on not having porn, esp this kind of revolting stuff in her home is controlling and psychotic, yeah ok, whatever, Jesus, just because some of us have standards, especially around young kids, makes us responsible, not psycho's.

So OP, turns out he's not dropped dead with shock or shame when someone sent him a stupid video. Now what? You either want him or you don't, trust him or you don't. Can you live with the idea that he's not answerable to you and his standpoint has clearly changed? If not, you only have one option, actually two but one involves being a complete martyr and no body wants to be that guy.

Is it a drip feed?? When I mention us both talking about our boundaries and having similar opinions, how could i have meant anything else?! He said we had the same opinion! This has been discussed! Did I really need to explain the exact words used to show that I was led to believe we had the same opinion?

This is quite shocking. What's worse? Watching a dodge video in secret that your mate sent you even though you know your wife wouldn't like it, or going on a public forum and calling your husband " a fucking piece of shit".

Over the top reaction. Whatever happened to taking to each other.

Fine, it's a deal breaker for you. But this reaction is beyond abusive and appalling. His misdeameour pales into insignificance in comparison to yours. If I was your husband I'd leave you. Immediately. And not come back.

But this reaction is beyond abusive and appalling. His misdeameour pales into insignificance in comparison to yours. If I was your husband I'd leave you. Immediately. And not come back.

Absolutely this.

Yeah because none of us have ever been angered by our partners actions!

OP, surely you can sort this out with him, those crying LTB are just trying to goad you really and I'd drip out of this now, you now what you need to do, you're a savvy lady.

Terrible typos there but you get my drift!

Yeah because none of us have ever been angered by our partners actions!

I've been angered many a time by my husband, as he has me. Neither of us to my knowledge have went on a public forum and called the other a fucking piece of shit.

If that's what you do when you're angry, that's what you do, but I don't, and I'm no angel, but this is abusive the way she is behaving. If a man came on and said he was behaving this way towards his wife , calling her a fucking piece of shit, everyone would scream abuse.

adora10 whats wrong with LTB? She doesnt love him unconditionally so why be with him? Or are you saying its ok to stay with and dictate to him?

If she wanted to leave him she'd have said so no?

Ok piece of shit is a bit OTT granted but the OP is clearly angry, sure she will probably regret that once she is calmed but yous are all conveniently forgetting that the OP has suffered sexual assaults in the past, perhaps that's why she has such an anger around porn and exploitation, makes perfect sense to me.