I have just caught my husband watching porn.

[Squiggletum]

My husband, who always claimed to agree with me about the porn industry. Walked into the bathroom and hurriedly closed something on his phone. When I jokingly asked what he was doing he couldn't look at me and just said nothing a few times. Then I realised it wa actually something bad. Kids were around so I couldn't say much. I asked again and he said 'I got sent a dodgy video'. It must be how he accessed it. His immature friends send videos Occassionally and they are disgusting. As far as I knew, he deleted them. A lot of them aren't meant to be arousing, I think they're aiming for disgusting and funny. No idea what the content of this one was. Anything even vaguely 'adult' is blocked on our internet and he is not tech savvy at all so would have no idea how to get around that. So he's most likely telling the truth and didn't go looking for it. Still pressed play though. Kids briefly just left the room and he came over and told me he knows there was no excuse and nothing he can say and what do I want him to do. Just wanted him to get away from me tbh. I feel sick. He's offered to take the baby to his nans, said he assumes I now won't want to go to baby group with him this afternoon. I said just leave, as I get out of my face and he thought I wanted him to get out of the house. He asked whether i meant permanently. He obviously knows how much of an important issue this is for me. Aside from the fact he's just destroyed my trust in him, I have been a victim of two attempted rapes and some sexual assaults. He fucking knows my opinions on consent and the porn industry and knowing that it came from his friends doesn't fill me with confidence that this was some female friendly porn. Probably fucking disgusting and degrading.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Feel sick. I don't particularly want him to leave the house and me have all these things running through my mind but I don't know what to say to him either. My mind is a bit jumbled.

And I don't want this to become a thing about how all men watch porn and it's fine. Not fine for me. He watched porn a bit before we got together as far as I'm aware. I don't care. I do care about him doing it whilst in a relationship with me and he knows that and has known all along and has chosen to do it.

At this point, I'm out.

I agree with Lesis on the wanking part. Why are you against this OP?

Sounds as though on a rational basis he shares your views and yet he still finds himself drawn to the 'nice' images? Maybe a bit like being on a diet and knowing exactly why you don't really want that cake and yet still finding it almost impossible to resist...? The perennial conflict between our animal and human natures. I sympathise with this as it's something I struggle with on a daily basis!!

Ps. Feeling anger is not the same as verbally abusing an intimate partner. I think you're conflating the two

This isn't what's made me feel sorry for him throughout the thread I think. The thread was made so a load of strangers could add to the awful names his wife has called him. That's all imo. Then she lets him read it my husband would be crushed. The terminology used like 'caught' him wanking. The 'gerroff me you disgusting worm' cold shoulder in bed and now he's walking on eggshells for god knows how long while he's being punished.

Yes be angry, have a chat and clear lines in the sand but cutting off his nuts on the internet and showing him is really fucked up.

Agree. He's been publicly humiliated. It's horrible.

It's funny you mention that because i did say 'don't tell me you're also one of those people who watches beheadings online'? I feel the same way about that

Ok OP. Now you're going OTT.

This is getting abit much now OP

Don't compare porn to videos of beheading or fires on the news etc,that's being silly!

I'm starting to think more so that you should call it a day

He can't do right for doing wrong and your last few replies, i can't quite get my head around

If you don't trust him then you know what you have to do

No, no problem with wanking, I have caught him watching porn before but he was adamant he wasn't. Not sure why you think that's the same as having a general problem with masturbation?

I don't think the content of these videos is different to those things. The 'weird shit' as he called it, is people being hurt and humiliated and abused. Whether he found it arousing or not, I didn't think he would ever want to see something like that.

Just caught up with the thread, sorry to see it's devolved into the usual 'are you against him wanking??!!??' type rubbish which bears no relation to the OP. I get exactly where you're coming from OP, same thing happened to me - the deliberate and repeated breaking of a mutually agreed boundary. That it was to do with porn wasn't the important part, but I think a lot of ppl get derailed by the porn. You can either walk (though difficult with dc) or try to trust again (v difficult without feeling like a mug, who is likely to miss it next time because it's better hidden). I don't see why you should accept that his views changed/he was too weak to stick by his words, but equally, I don't know what the best way forward is. Good luck with it.

Is he admitting to enjoying watching 'normal' porn then?
Is he happy to stop himself watching something he enjoys because you don't agree with it?
It this something he feels is realistic?
Will he become resentful that you are stopping him doing something he clearly enjoys?

Are you happy with being with someone who enjoys porn? (I'm taking 'normal' porn not the extreme stuff).

You've got to decide if you want to be in a relationship with someone who enjoys it but agrees to not watch it or you would rather be with someone who shares the same morals/values as you do.

My worry would also be that he was not open and honest at the start, so instead of telling you he liked porn but would stop watching it if it was important to you, he lied and said he did not agree with it/did not like it. He's also been very secretive and dishonest throughout at least part of your relationship.

You've also got the issue that you put up a very clear boundary in place and he didn't just overstep it slightly, he jumped right over the line. That is very disrespectful to you. You've got to decide if you are happy to be with someone who treats you like that.

I think I'd watch to see what steps he takes to prevent this happening again. If he's really serious about not wanting to watch porn, then this'll be a wake up call for him, and he'll be doing things like telling his friends to stop sending videos and/or removing himself from the WhatsApp group, maybe installing controls on his phone to bolster willpower, etc...?

If he does nothing, then that's a sign that he actually doesn't care a great deal.

Why don't you tie a bell round his cock and then you'll get an early warning when he touches himself so you can verify if he's wankimg in a manner acceptable to you?

But he put his arm around me in bed last night like it was all sorted

It IS sorted. You said you wouldn't tolerate it, but then you did.
Your boundaries have shifted to allow you to accept his behaviour.

If nothing else, I suggest he blocks the senders, deletes every picture and video & check iCloud settings so that they are not saved anywhere else. Because if, as you say,

he has had extreme porn on his phone, kept in between videos of our baby, with no lock on it, knowing that my 9 year old likes to go through the videos and photos of him and his brother fairly frequently

... then potentially, you are also allowing your children to access this. God help you if that ever happens.

OP you've hit the nail on the head. It is opinion based. For you that's unacceptable. Whatever the rights or wrongs - that is your bottom line - to which you are entitled.

For me - porn isn't such a big issue in my relationship. Also fine. I wouldn't like what he was watching - but I don't think I'd be as angry as you are. That's not to diminish your anger in any way- just to say everyone has their own line.

A convoluted way of saying - if it's not right, then it needs to be sorted. On equal terms - if your values don't match - then again I'd question the future of the relationship.

On the other hand - if it can be sorted (as you seem to want to do) then a way forward needs to be found.

I guess you need to ask yourself how you would feel if he were to continue secretly watching porn?

If he were to continue to secretly watch porn after everything he's said now and all the talking, I wouldn't ever be able to trust him again and wouldn't be able to continue. I don't think his phone saves to iCloud as it's not an iPhone. Is that right? I'm also not tech savvy. He has asked that the people stop sending porn. It isn't a porn based group, it's his group of friends where it is mostly normal chat and once a month or so one of them is uploading a video. They are no longer going to share videos in this group and are apparently setting up their own group just for that so he's still included in conversation but isn't receiving that. He has offered to come out of the group, delete whatsapp etc, but I don't think it's necessary. The group is the main way he stays in contact with his friends and I don't want him to be isolated like that. I think he's drifting from these friends a bit anyway but that's his decision for the future. We have group chats with his brother and sister in law and it's how he shares photos with his nan so I also don't want him to delete whatsapp. He offered to get rid of his phone and get one without video capability, but I think it's ridiculous tbh. It's how he takes video of the kids and generally lives everyday life like most people do. I understand that he's trying to think of a way to prove to me that I can trust what he's saying, which I do appreciate, but I don't want there to have to be steps to 'prevent' it. I can't actually stop him doing it and if it was a big enough draw to him after this that he continued to do it in secret, then he would have shown me he is a huge liar who is willing to put his marriage at risk because porn is that important to him.

I have asked him some of the questions you've suggested. He says he did like porn before we were together and had never really thought about it. I already knew this. He watched it frequently as a teenager but wasn't so fussed as he got older. He has already told me that in the past. He says he does agree with me on certain things but doesn't feel as strongly as I do. He shouldn't have led me to believe he did. When we talk, he is in agreement and hasn't gone looking for porn, but when it was right there in front of him... He clicked on it. He says irrespective of his views on the rights and wrongs of porn, he has never thought it was ok in a relationship because it is disrespectful to your partner. No idea whether that would still stand if I had said I thought it was fine and great to watch.

He said yes, the actual depiction on screen is obviously enjoyable to watch but then wondering how it was made and who the people are makes it less so. He's actually quite... Prudish? In some ways and was difficult for him to openly talk about it like that, I had to prompt cos he can't quite bring himself to say things. He said since he already thought it was wrong to watch whilst in a relationahip, it's not just my beliefs that are saying he shouldn't watch it. He felt bad about it afterwards, apparently. He said this has been the huge slap in the face he needed to show him that actually, he IS still watching porn even though he didn't go looking for it and is gutted about how much he has hurt me. He knows he shouldn't have lied to me about the strength of his feelings towards it, but then I wouldn't have been interested in a relationship with him and he had so little interest in it and watched it so infrequently anyway he thought it was ok to say he totally shared my beliefs. Wtf?! I don't know what more I could have done to try to ensure I found somebody with the same views but I didn't stop to wonder whether he was lying, because I thought he would also want to be with somebody who thought the same way as him! He said he thinks it is realistic to think he won't look at it again because he's never gone looking for it anyway and is gutted and disgusted to see the effect it has had in reality. He says he won't resent me for it at all because he already thought he shouldn't be watching it anyway and it's not that big a deal to him. Not sure whether there were any more questions?

I am ok with his responses but still shocked at the idea that he doesn't think porn is as bad as I do. We'll probably need to discuss that some more. As far as I am concerned, there are certain things which, once known, must have anybody thinking it's terrible. Anyody who thinks like me, I guess. So I am shocked and don't understand how he could think anything other than 'this is terrible' after our conversations. I don't understand it. I don't think he has any justification of those things as such, he just ignored them. But does that mean he has lied to me about other things too? It's got me wondering.

He is a hard creature to understand! He would apparently just get rid of his phone to redeem himself (as you say, that is ridiculous and would cast you as a very controlling unreasonable person, is there a part of him that wants that narrative?) and although he reckons he could give up his phone, he has (had) difficulty giving up porn.

WhatsApp always saves images into your photos stream.

We have an Apple TV that my Dh phone synced too- and it was a basic smartphone. One friend started sending horrid images of fights and they would of linked to our tv. Dh and other friends immediately pulled him up on them not wanting to see these images and Dh blocked him. I think it says a lot about my Dh that he 1. Stood up to his friend 2. Blocked him.

WhatsApp only saves the pictures if that's how you set it up.

Yeah I mentioned earlier in the thread that you can actually change your settings so things you get sent don't automatically get saved. I would recommend anyone who uses whatsapp a lot to do this anyway as the photos end up clogging up your phone memory anyway. Better to just save the wants you actually want to keep and discard the others.

Glad you had a long chat op. I agree that changing his phone etc would've ridiculous and no one wants it to come to that.

*save the things, not wants

Bloody hell! Are you sure you're not getting a thrill out of humiliating this poor chap?

If you're still showing the thread to him, I'd advise him to go to his mates for the weekend and to consider not bothering returning.

What a shocker of a thread. Sorry you've had to contend with this shit, OP.

Why isn't his phone locked with a password? It's not rocket science.

You're wasting your own time. I already said upthread that he pretended to care about porn because he wanted to date you and I was shouted down. But I was right.

The only important things here are:

1. Porn was your red line

1. He used to watch porn before dating you = he like porn

1. He pretended to agree with you that porn is bad. (You've now admitted this)

1. You caught him watching porn

1. You've forgiven him.

The rest is all words and nonsense. He will be secretly watching porn til the end of your lives. HE DOESN'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH PORN. He's not going to stop watching it because you ask him to. He will just do it secretly. Sorry.

he has never thought it was ok in a relationship because it is disrespectful to your partner

He still did it though and it's only because he was caught that you found out.

hasn't gone looking for porn, but when it was right there in front of him... He clicked on it
He did go looking for it though. He either looked through the videos or scrolled back through the watsap messages. You said it wasn't a new video that had just come through. If he's got a phone with Internet, then it is right there in front of him-it's probably quicker to google 'watch porn' that to go back through old watsap or scroll through photo/video albums.
I think he enjoys it far more than he is leading you to believe-he's watched this video at least once when it first came then had thought about it enough to want to watch it again and the 90% vile things that you mentioned in earlier posts must be really worth putting up with to watch the 10% more mainstream porn.

I don't know what more I could have done to try to ensure I found somebody with the same views
You couldn't have done anymore which is why it is such a massive problem that he lied to you about enjoying porn and lied to you about watching porn when he KNEW how important this was to you.

He said yes, the actual depiction on screen is obviously enjoyable to watch but then wondering how it was made and who the people are makes it less so.
Obviously not for him continuing to watch it. You seem to think he shares your views but not as strongly as you-it doesn't work like that. His personal enjoyment outweighs his feelings for how it's made, etc.
It's like if someone thinking that killing animals for meat is cruel but their love of meat outweighs this so they eat bacon butties (only when made for them by someone else though they don't go 'looking for' the bacon themselves).

I think the fact he's offering to get a phone without a camera, delete watsap, etc is A BIG RED FLAG. He knows you won't let him go ahead with this, it's just a grand gesture to make you think he's serious and divert away from the actual issue.

The bottom line is HE ENJOYS PORN. You need to decide if you can be in a relationship with someone like this and who has actively set out to deceive you.
He really doesn't sound like he respects you at all

I don't know how you setting up more boundaries is going to work, your boundary on this could not have been any clearer and he chose to disrespect you by crossing it.

Would you treat him like this? If no, then why are you letting him treat you like this.

I say all this as someone who has no issues with a lot of porn.