I have just caught my husband watching porn.

[Squiggletum]

My husband, who always claimed to agree with me about the porn industry. Walked into the bathroom and hurriedly closed something on his phone. When I jokingly asked what he was doing he couldn't look at me and just said nothing a few times. Then I realised it wa actually something bad. Kids were around so I couldn't say much. I asked again and he said 'I got sent a dodgy video'. It must be how he accessed it. His immature friends send videos Occassionally and they are disgusting. As far as I knew, he deleted them. A lot of them aren't meant to be arousing, I think they're aiming for disgusting and funny. No idea what the content of this one was. Anything even vaguely 'adult' is blocked on our internet and he is not tech savvy at all so would have no idea how to get around that. So he's most likely telling the truth and didn't go looking for it. Still pressed play though. Kids briefly just left the room and he came over and told me he knows there was no excuse and nothing he can say and what do I want him to do. Just wanted him to get away from me tbh. I feel sick. He's offered to take the baby to his nans, said he assumes I now won't want to go to baby group with him this afternoon. I said just leave, as I get out of my face and he thought I wanted him to get out of the house. He asked whether i meant permanently. He obviously knows how much of an important issue this is for me. Aside from the fact he's just destroyed my trust in him, I have been a victim of two attempted rapes and some sexual assaults. He fucking knows my opinions on consent and the porn industry and knowing that it came from his friends doesn't fill me with confidence that this was some female friendly porn. Probably fucking disgusting and degrading.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Feel sick. I don't particularly want him to leave the house and me have all these things running through my mind but I don't know what to say to him either. My mind is a bit jumbled.

And I don't want this to become a thing about how all men watch porn and it's fine. Not fine for me. He watched porn a bit before we got together as far as I'm aware. I don't care. I do care about him doing it whilst in a relationship with me and he knows that and has known all along and has chosen to do it.

OP, I'm generally pro porn but I'm sympathetic to you. I actually don't get why you are getting such a hard time here.

Your boundaries are not mine and some would argue they are not workable. I would not ever want to be subject to your rules but your DH did sign up to them and so I think you should think about splitting up. Not because either of you are wrong but because this is a red line for you.

I used to be like you btw. I'd be very upfront about my dealbreakers (not porn tho, I'm fine with it). What I found was that it doesn't work. The problem with these red lines is that people are very optimistic in the beginning of relationships about sharing values. They are usually willing to be swept along because they want to be with you! They want to agree with you. What I've discovered is you should never tell people your dealbreakers. Ask people their values instead. Listen calmly and without judgment. Then if they don't match with you, don't be with them. If you draw lines, people just lie. Both men and women lie a lot. It's just human nature.

This is why I never believe ANY of the anti-porn crusaders on MN when they insist their partners don't watch porn. I am 100% sure every one of their partners watches porn. Every so often there is a namechanged MNetter who is shocked that they found out their partner watches porn. I'm never shocked. If you date someone but you loudly insist that porn is a dealbreaker, many many men and women will agree with you and go along with it. The louder you insist, the more likely people are to hide it.

Your DH is never going to be on the same page with you about porn. You have to come to terms with that. If you can't deal with it, leave him. But with the next person, I would do much more due diligence about it. 95%+ of men watch porn (according to studies). You can't just expect to go on a random date and find a man who hates porn. If every man you meet was agreeing with you, they had to be lying. The way to stop people lying isn't to raise the stakes of telling the truth, it's to lower them. Only when people feel they can be honest, will they be honest. That's human nature.

Adorable, I have mentioned the lock! I think I'm a bit pro and a bit anti. I think he's out of order though due to the lack of security, the repetitive nature and saving it.

He's a grown man. If he wants to watch porn he can. He probably agreed with your stance on porn for an easy life. I understand why you are upset especially considering he's watching something so extreme. It's fantasy not reality. It's not against the law.
If this is a deal breaker for you then that's up to you.
I am also a survivor of rape and don't have a problem with porn. Many pornstars make a lot of money.

So a man agrees wholeheartedly not to do certain things, because he believes they're wrong, and because he knows how his partner feels about them. He assures her he would never do those things. Then he goes and does that thing, and his partner is furious that he's done so.
How in holy hell is she controlling for being pissed about it? Honestly, I despair at the Cool Girls' lack of basic logic as soon as porn is mentioned.
They had an understanding, she thought he felt the same way as her, and then he went behind her back and broke the agreement. She has every right to be fuming and angry.

someone earlier said this and I still agree.

I cannot understand this thread at all. what is wrong with having boundaries - with saying 'this is what I expect from a partner' and then you discover if you are compatible or not, share the same ideals. Its acceptable to say, 'I dont want you to sleep with the neighbour' 'I dont want to be with a coke user' 'I dont want to share my life with someone who thinks that women should be at home once the kids come' - so why is saying 'I really hate porn and dont want to be with someone who uses it'??

OK, so in this day and age it would seem thats unusual (although I admit to the same sentiments) and maybe your net wont stretch too wide. However its OK to have and agree this if thats your thing.

If he agreed for an easy life then he shouldnt have agreed. He should have been honest, because thats fundamentally where the buck ends. Pretending something just to get something else you want. deception. He didnt want to walk away and find someone who shared his curiosity about porn. And seems that wouldnt have been too difficult! But he told her it was a dealbreaker for HIM, which is even worse. He was the one who pushed for the marriage and the kids, who has left OP not as sexually active as she would like, and been dishonest and sneaky to boot

And yet everyone piles on her and says she is controlling. why? because its porn. and porn is oh so cool and lovely.

commenting that he needs a lock. would you be saying that if he was having a lock on the door for a sneaky line of coke? or so he can call his girlfriend. Or a prostitute?

Nobody forces a man who likes porn to lie about it and pretend they dont. They dont HAVE to go out with you. They just want both, so they lie. Find one of the 5% OP

If he agreed for an easy life then he shouldnt have agreed. He should have been honest, because thats fundamentally where the buck ends. Pretending something just to get something else you want. deception.

Yeah but 90% of people - male and female - don't do this. It's just not realistic. If you want something that is extremely rare in society (like your partner to be a virgin), you have to accept that it's rare and act accordingly.

That is so horribly depressing, the view that 95% of men use porn. Always put forward by porn users. If 95% of men use porn then i dont know what my sexuality is as I'm not attracted to men who objectify caricature one dimensional women. I m8ght as well be asexual. Men, 95% of men, rob women of their sexual fantasy: to be enough, to be respected as their individual self and also as woman.

Deeply depressing to read a man describe himself as pro-porn and to depress us with the soul destroying statistic that 95% of men use porn.

*To those asking, he has been very apologetic, said he feels sick and can't explain why he did it.

Jesus Christ. It's legal porn; he shouldn't be made to feel sick over it ffs.

PinkCosmo Another overreaction. I'm a woman who watches hardcore porn on a regular basis. I don't objectify women and I still respect them the same as I do everyone.

PinkCosmo

If you're referring to me, I'm a woman. And the reality is that the vast majority of people watch porn.

Look, to me it's a bit like virginity. If you want to date a virgin, you have to accept that only a small no of people are virgins. That doesn't mean you should feel depressed about it. But you should be aware of it.

The OP is long gone and who can blame her.

The pro hard core porn users should start their own thread, arguing about who watches porn (95% of men apparently, scientifically proven apparently lol)........this thread is not for you lot to spout your vile approval of, apparently legal porn (must be if it involves shitting in each other's mouths and fisting).

Boak.

even with those that are relatively ok with some porn ( given that so many men look at it and a fair chunk of women too), you can set boundaries as to what is a dealbreaker for you. For me its anything "live" interactive webcam stuff or anything violent or totally degrading or under age..

I'm sure I've heard the 95% stat before... I can't check right now but I'm sure it was 95% of men have watched porn at some point, not that they watch it regularly. There is a difference.

I'm sure most people might have watched it at some point, I know I did in my younger years due to curiosity and not knowing what I do now about the industry (I didn't like it anyway).

I also love how a random stranger on the net appears to know people's partners better than they do. How arrogant to assume that when someone says their partner doesn't watch porn they are lying and doing it in secret. How could you possibly know better?

The OP is long gone and who can blame her.

The pro hard core porn users should start their own thread,

I'm pro porn but I agreed with the OP.

(95% of men apparently, scientifically proven apparently lol)

I don't know what the lol means. It's not hard to do a survey and find out. Plenty of surveys have been done but if you have other surveys that show low porn usage, please share them!

Even the christian/anti-porn surveys and studies I've seen still show really high porn usage.

Being raped is not a card you play to win an argument and the way it's being talked about in this thread is hideous.

I can see why a woman who's been raped wouldn't want to watch mainstream porn where women are treated roughly. That's her choice. Not all people who've been raped agree with that stance.

If it's a dealbreaker, then leave.

But losing your temper and shaming someone is always unnecessary. To stay with someone and hang this over your head and link it to being raped to maximise the guilt is not healthy.

How arrogant to assume that when someone says their partner doesn't watch porn they are lying and doing it in secret. How could you possibly know better?

95%, survey says so!

I think porn has become a lot more ubiquitous, Pink Cosmo, because of the Internet/smart phones etc, but there are definitely men out there who do not use it. Neither my exDP or my exH used it for example, and that was not down to pressure from me - at that time I was quite enthusiastic about porn in fact.

People who use porn have an interest in normalising it, minimising the harm it does, and making out that everyone else is also watching. (I say that as an ex-user who could no longer square it with her conscience).

We don't have to accept porn as an inevitable part of our intimate lives.

It's possible to be neither pro-porn or against-porn in fact I suspect the vast amount of women are porn-indifferent to be honest and most men will watch it as a tool to get off with literally not a second thought to it. Much like mindlessly eating a jammy dodger whilst stood with kitchen cupboard door open because you're a bit peckish. It's not a 'cool girl' thing it's a 'don't sweat the small stuff because actually, at this level, porn is no threat whatsoever to me as a person in terms of my self-esteem or to my relationship' kind of thing. Obviously there is abuse in porn as there are in I daresay every industry that serves human wants, needs and desires. This thread isn't about the rights and wrongs of porn at the OP's behest actually, but some of you keep bringing it back to that, particularly Adora10 who I swear said they were getting off the thread a bit ago.

Adora10 who I swear said they were getting off the thread a bit ago

Are you trying to chase me off the thread like you did with the OP?

Are you the MN Police?

No.

Where is Anyfucker when you need her!

I also love how a random stranger on the net appears to know people's partners better than they do. How arrogant to assume that when someone says their partner doesn't watch porn they are lying and doing it in secret. How could you possibly know better?

Because their evidence is usually that their partner is a bit feminist and nodded their head vigorously when they ranted about porn. Just like OP is proving, people lie.

I think it's kind of hard to do what the OP asked, and disentangle her relationship from the pro/anti porn question before commenting, because what you think about her DH's 'transgression' is bound to be influenced by what you feel about porn...

Yes thats right, I'm the MN police...

Whats the point of flouncing, then flouncing back?!

Internet is playing up, keeps eating my messages. Have spoken some more and he is gutted and knows he has damaged my trust. Said he convinced himself that it was somehow ok because he wasn't seeking it out. Again acknowledged that he told me in the past he would consider it a form of cheating and has been a massive hypocrite. His friends comments are disgusting. They're now going to make their own group just for porn so he won't get sent it. I can see that he has asked them a few times not to send it but it's always a bit jokey. The main sender said he got in loads of shit with his girlfriend last week for having it all on his phone with loads of crying laughing faces. Another one then recommended adult work

I'm concerned it may be illegal. I vaguely remember a poster a few months ago whose partner had been arrested for indecent images. Everyone assumed they involved children or animals but she came back and said it was something like men hurting each other and putting needles in their penises. I told him this and asked whether there was anything like that. He said yes probably, which I think means yes and he doesn't want to tell me specifics. Could that be illegal? He was horrified when I said that.

Because their evidence is usually that their partner is a bit feminist and nodded their head vigorously when they ranted about porn

And apart from a crystal ball, what evidence do these posters have that other posters partners, who they don't know and have never spoken to, are lying? Nothing.

Maybe if someone says their partner does/doesn't do X people should just take that at face value rather than assuming they are lying to try and support their own argument. It's rude and arrogant.

Whats the point of flouncing, then flouncing back?!

I don't flounce, I am stationery in my seat, I didn't realise I had to get your permission to return - obviously I am really getting to you, that's a shame, calm down, nobody has died.