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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have just caught my husband watching porn.

328 replies

Squiggletum · 28/06/2017 08:57

My husband, who always claimed to agree with me about the porn industry. Walked into the bathroom and hurriedly closed something on his phone. When I jokingly asked what he was doing he couldn't look at me and just said nothing a few times. Then I realised it wa actually something bad. Kids were around so I couldn't say much. I asked again and he said 'I got sent a dodgy video'. It must be how he accessed it. His immature friends send videos Occassionally and they are disgusting. As far as I knew, he deleted them. A lot of them aren't meant to be arousing, I think they're aiming for disgusting and funny. No idea what the content of this one was. Anything even vaguely 'adult' is blocked on our internet and he is not tech savvy at all so would have no idea how to get around that. So he's most likely telling the truth and didn't go looking for it. Still pressed play though. Kids briefly just left the room and he came over and told me he knows there was no excuse and nothing he can say and what do I want him to do. Just wanted him to get away from me tbh. I feel sick. He's offered to take the baby to his nans, said he assumes I now won't want to go to baby group with him this afternoon. I said just leave, as I get out of my face and he thought I wanted him to get out of the house. He asked whether i meant permanently. He obviously knows how much of an important issue this is for me. Aside from the fact he's just destroyed my trust in him, I have been a victim of two attempted rapes and some sexual assaults. He fucking knows my opinions on consent and the porn industry and knowing that it came from his friends doesn't fill me with confidence that this was some female friendly porn. Probably fucking disgusting and degrading.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Feel sick. I don't particularly want him to leave the house and me have all these things running through my mind but I don't know what to say to him either. My mind is a bit jumbled.

And I don't want this to become a thing about how all men watch porn and it's fine. Not fine for me. He watched porn a bit before we got together as far as I'm aware. I don't care. I do care about him doing it whilst in a relationship with me and he knows that and has known all along and has chosen to do it.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 28/06/2017 15:34

I think the gist was, OP is mid throes of being fuming, doesn't want to disclose to family/friends, wanted MN to back her up saying what a fucking piece of shit her dh is. Some people didn't. It all got a bit tasty. She's calmed down a bit now, still wants to be with him, but cross. Some think he's looked at a grotty video, shouldn't have ot saved, shouldn't have said he was ok with porn when probably what he meant was he'll in the future probs cast his eyes across it now and again - but thats it. The others want to say he's a raging lying deviant and everyone who doesnt agree is a naughty gross porn addicted would be cool girl. Sigh.

LesisMiserable · 28/06/2017 15:34

Righto 😂

LesisMiserable · 28/06/2017 15:35

Adora10 I love your style of debate, its so nostalgic of my school days 💜

Adora10 · 28/06/2017 15:36

Of course it could be illegal OP.

Folk are being arrested all the time for having illegal porn on their computers; there are search engines set up for this purpose (to protect children and vulnerable adults).

Sounds like you are nearly there in resolving this though, well done and well done for coming back even though you've been verbally battered.

Adora10 · 28/06/2017 15:37

Adora10 I love your style of debate, its so nostalgic of my school days 💜

Nothing wrong with acting like a child, it's good for the soul.

LesisMiserable · 28/06/2017 15:39

On that I wholeheartedly concur Smile

Adora10 · 28/06/2017 15:40

Having hard core possibly illegal porn on your phone whilst sharing it with your 9 year old child could actually be seen as child neglect/abuse.

Somerville · 28/06/2017 15:41

It's not true that studies have found that 95% of men watch porn, but that 100% of men and women with access to the internet have seen porn.

I certainly have, and I hate it. But it's unfortunately occasionally unavoidable.

Many men, just like women, dislike or actively hate pornography. Because not everyone 'performing' has given consent - and how can one tell whom? Or because of the damage that can be done to sex loves and relationships. Or because watching porn stimulates the reward area of brains, so can become addictive. Or for a myriad of other reasons.

Finally, it's so sad that OP couldn't get support from this thread she started. It's not in AIBU - it's in relationships, and those of you who chased her off of here should be ashamed of yourselves.

Somerville · 28/06/2017 15:43

Oh glad you came back, OP. And that you've talked.

Adora10 · 28/06/2017 15:43

How old are you Lesis, old enough to remember ELO?

Worrynot1 · 28/06/2017 15:43

Poor bloke

LesisMiserable · 28/06/2017 15:44

Chased her off? Give over. I for one wasnt going to back her stance that her dh was a massive twat. It is what it is. I think she came across as a pretty ballsy woman taking no shit to be fair. Could it be she has other stuff to do than MN all day? My day off today but certainly when I'm at work/doing something else I'm not on here.

LesisMiserable · 28/06/2017 15:45

Yes, love them. Telephone Line my favourite, whats yours?

Adora10 · 28/06/2017 15:47

I'm seeing them tonight Lesis in Glasgow, yes I am Scottish hence my: torn faced cunt attitude (I'm really not in real life).

LesisMiserable · 28/06/2017 15:48

I'm very envious, my friend saw them in London a couple of nights ago.

Original poster
Squiggletum · 28/06/2017 15:51

I do feel a bit sad that I had to argue with people when I honestly wanted some support on how to go about discussing everything once I'd calmed down. I had assumed that even if people don't consider porn a problem within their own relationships, they could accept that I have my own boundaries and have been lied to and had my trust damaged.

I'm not sure where to go from here. He says that he does still think it's wrong and also not ok within a relationship and would be heartbroken to find out that I had been watching it. There is nothing that can be done now. I can't think of any ways in which he could build up my trust, I already have easy access to his phone and have never felt the need to check on him, nor do I want to start doing that. So I just feel a bit shit and a bit less trusting.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 28/06/2017 15:53

To be fair you did say that OP but posters derailed it with their own pro/anti agenda.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 28/06/2017 16:28

Unfortunately he either

A) likes this stuff too or
b) he hasn't got a backbone to tell his friends to stop sending him this vile shit.

It's even worse the kids were nearby - what if he accidentally left it open?

Wrongs or rights with porn aside if you dislike it and he knows then you've got every right to make a decision based on that.

He may be a misogynistic, immature or spineless or maybe all 3.

At the end of the day we all have our thresholds.

You'll be even more sensitive to this stuff because you have been victim to the type of people that like degrading porn - unfortunately too many women have.

Maybe just spend a few days on whether you want to end it or perhaps get him to delete every video his friends send.

TBH you can often tell a lot about someone by the company they keep. If he was a true feminist he would tell these blokes not to send it to him.

Good luck OP - with whatever you decide.

Mulch · 28/06/2017 16:29

Op I can't be bothered going through all the posts, what are you going to do? I think he'll grovel, nod and agree with you then be more careful in the future.

Lim0ne · 28/06/2017 16:29

OP I think you can work through this, I really do. Tell him he is 30 years old and a husband and father. Now is the time to man up.

If some of this is gay porn, I'm surprised a more "blokey" group haven't totally humiliated the sender tbh. Even if some of the hardcore stuff is not illegal, it sounds very niche and I doubt any of them get off on it. Which makes you wonder why they feel they can't say no to receiving it or why they bother at all.

You could tell him that you find the fact he can't stand up to these pathetic friends and see through them for what they are as as much of a turn off as him watching the porn. He is not 15 and being bullied into it at school fgs. He is an adult and can set his own standards and should know his own mind.

I think most men (and women) have watched porn at some point, even if just out of curiosity. As I said, I doubt he is getting off on fisting or whatever. You can never really know where people go in their minds when the need arises - men or women. Some people seem to need more visual stimulation than others. I agree that we can never be sure about coercion in porn, nevertheless people will inevitably fantasise with or without it and nobody can control that.

He needs to take responsibility for himself, but on a wider level than just getting off a WhatsApp group. He could embrace this as a turning point - lose the fools and man up!

Bluntness100 · 28/06/2017 18:17

Op. Considering you feel lying is major and he has damaged your trust, have uou explained to him you're posting about this on the internet and calling him things like a fucking piece of shit? And if so is he good with that? Good with not watching videos as you feel strongly, good with being repentant, good with knowing he broke your trust, good with knowing you're sharing it all on line, good with being qbusive towards him?

He's good with all these things you insist on or do to him?

RhubardGin · 28/06/2017 18:35

Everybody has boundaries in their relationship that should be respected.

OP, you have described your DH as weak, pathetic and disgusting and there are obviously more issues than this incident.

Genuine question, are you happy in your marriage?

valeriej43 · 28/06/2017 18:47

I am so sorry this has upset you so much, bt maybe your dh didnt know what it was going to be,and he did tell you afterwards
I cant see any reason for leaving him, tbh
I hope you can work this out between you, i actually feel a bit sorry for him, with your reaction unless its something he looks at usually
I think you should talk and find out if he had just opened it to see what it was
The video does sound disgusting, and maybe he didnt know what it contained

Girlywurly · 28/06/2017 19:02

Op. Considering you feel lying is major and he has damaged your trust, have uou explained to him you're posting about this on the internet and calling him things like a fucking piece of shit? And if so is he good with that?

Yep... In a relationship, we all have a private hinterland about which our partners do not know, and in which we sometimes do things we're not proud of. You say you love your husband, OP. Do you think you can find it in yourself to look on him with a compassionate eye?

Original poster
Squiggletum · 28/06/2017 20:39

Bloody hell. Some people really will go to some lengths to explain that he is the victim in all of this. Yes he knows exactly what I said. I just showed him a few highlights. He thinks you're insane. He might have done wrong but he's not stupid and isn't going to try to argue that it's all ok and he should be able to do whatever he likes. At least he can admit when he's done wrong.

OP posts: