I have just caught my husband watching porn.

[Squiggletum]

My husband, who always claimed to agree with me about the porn industry. Walked into the bathroom and hurriedly closed something on his phone. When I jokingly asked what he was doing he couldn't look at me and just said nothing a few times. Then I realised it wa actually something bad. Kids were around so I couldn't say much. I asked again and he said 'I got sent a dodgy video'. It must be how he accessed it. His immature friends send videos Occassionally and they are disgusting. As far as I knew, he deleted them. A lot of them aren't meant to be arousing, I think they're aiming for disgusting and funny. No idea what the content of this one was. Anything even vaguely 'adult' is blocked on our internet and he is not tech savvy at all so would have no idea how to get around that. So he's most likely telling the truth and didn't go looking for it. Still pressed play though. Kids briefly just left the room and he came over and told me he knows there was no excuse and nothing he can say and what do I want him to do. Just wanted him to get away from me tbh. I feel sick. He's offered to take the baby to his nans, said he assumes I now won't want to go to baby group with him this afternoon. I said just leave, as I get out of my face and he thought I wanted him to get out of the house. He asked whether i meant permanently. He obviously knows how much of an important issue this is for me. Aside from the fact he's just destroyed my trust in him, I have been a victim of two attempted rapes and some sexual assaults. He fucking knows my opinions on consent and the porn industry and knowing that it came from his friends doesn't fill me with confidence that this was some female friendly porn. Probably fucking disgusting and degrading.

What the fuck am I supposed to do now? Feel sick. I don't particularly want him to leave the house and me have all these things running through my mind but I don't know what to say to him either. My mind is a bit jumbled.

And I don't want this to become a thing about how all men watch porn and it's fine. Not fine for me. He watched porn a bit before we got together as far as I'm aware. I don't care. I do care about him doing it whilst in a relationship with me and he knows that and has known all along and has chosen to do it.

He's somewhat more tolerant than you then OP, if he's ok with some of the stuff you've put. In fact he sounds like a pretty good guy on the basis of that. Call it evens and move forward.

It's great that you understand each other, OP, and that he sees things your way. But I don't really understand why you posted here, if not to hear a range of opinions...?

Your poor DH is whipped. The more I hear about him the more abused I realise he is, and he doesn't even realise it.

One day, he'll see you for what you are, OP. Victims always do.

Fucking hell this thread

No fucking wonder so many men feel entitled to do whatever they want and expect women to shut up about it.

OP I would leave my husband for this. I have no shits to give about what other posters think of that. I have my boundaries and my standards. It's not an issue here but we were both aware before we married what our boundaries are and we were both free not to get married if we weren't happy with them. My self-esteem is fine. My self-respect is top notch.

It's not controlling to have boundaries and it's not controlling or abusive to be angry when your partner breaks them. Pretty much all of us have sex with another person as a deal breaker. Are you all controlling your partners then? Or did you decide on a boundary and stick by it? No different here.

People might not agree with your deal breakers but every single person should understand how it would feel if theirs were broken. It's not hard to empathise with that, no matter what your views of porn are.

You are NOT abusive.

He is not a 'poor bloke' he is a bloke who agreed to not watch porn knowing it was something the OP said she didn't want in her marriage and he agreed with. He decided he no longer agreed to it, without a discussion of his 'changed' opinion and watched it anyway. That is his decision but the OP can be as angry as she likes on an online forum and she is entitled to be angry at him.

I am sorry OP that your husband has let you down and that he is watching scummy shit at that. I hope you manage to work through it ok

Abused whipped victim.. give me a fucking break.

He's abused and a victim because he agreed and pretended to be against porn before he married the OP and agreed to not watch it?

If he didn't like her views on porn he should not have married her or lied to her about his views on porn. Giving both the OP and the husband a chance to decide if they wanted to continue the relationship when they had mix matched views on something which was important to the OP.

He lied, he agreed to it, he broke his promise. But yet he is being abused because the OP has shown anger and disgust on MN.

Poor little 'victim'

Oh OP, you've gotten a rough time on this thread when you wanted support, I'm sorry that's happened, for what works worth I have certain boundaries with DH, nothing remotely to do with porn, they're work related but boundaries none the less that we're very clearly set out time and time again during points in our relationship, they mean a lot to me and we've been up and down because sometimes he will come home from work sheepishly to have a conversation about how rigid they are and then I spend the next however long feeling like my stomach is in ribbons over it, he's crossed lines a couple of times and we had huge rows but are still together.
It's hard, I understand not wanting to throw everything away but struggling to see a way forward when you have strong feelings about certain things and the person who is supposed to hove you the most has lost your respect.

I don't know the answer but I wanted to give you some solidarity.

Also wanted to point out before I get a pasting that DH and I met and started a serious relationship very quickly and had a very open, very blunt conversation about everything and anything before we went forward and he has his lines too that I wouldn't never want to cross because I respect him and cherish him, if I felt they weren't reasonable for me I would have never entered into the relationship and o asked him to think carefully before he made that choice too.

I get your anger, the sense of lack of trust, the sadness. Whilst shocking, I'm not convinced your husband has committed this pathetic, foolish, hurtful act in a departure from who he is. It sounds like perhaps it is part of who he is. The minute you said that you'd discussed your views before you even got together and he said he agreed with you, I had alarm bells. As a child sexual abuse survivor at the hands of various men myself, something just felt 'off' for me about that. Perhaps it's what you've said about the company he's kept long before he met you, including a copper. Maybe I've worked too long in the 'violence against women and girls' field. For the record, I believe our boundaries are something we own, not something other people are in control of. Therefore our boundaries are for us to observe and hold ourselves, not others, to. E.g. You shout at me, I respond when you're calmer; you overspend on the joint account, I take my name off; teacher bullies my child; I move him to another school; you watch porn / hardcore, I walk. I would be upset and maybe shocked if I found DH watching what you describe, but maybe not as outraged as you just because he's not on phone groups, or got dodgy mates.

We chatted about our views on porn when we met too, for us it was more a case of avoiding it for spiritual reasons. But we live in the real world and have fessed up to each other on the literally couple of occasions (1 each) we've slipped and watched anything saucy (admittedly a far cry from anything you've described). How did we deal with it? Mild surprise, chat, hug, encouraged each other to steer clear, focused more on our intimacy.

I feel for you. How are things otherwise? Besides this are you happy being with him?

I would be upset and maybe shocked if I found DH watching what you describe, but maybe not as outraged as you just because he's not on phone groups, or got dodgy mates.

Badly phrased. I'm meant I wouldn't expect to find him watching what you describe and so wouldn't be outraged, due to him not being on phone groups etc.

I'm genuinely curious, would the OP be vile and abusive and the husband be an abused victim if she'd posted that she caught him cheating and called him names then?

Can you imagine that? "Have just caught my husband shagging the neighbour in our bathroom, before we married we agreed that we would have a monogamous relationship where neither of us would have sex with anyone else and he said that it was definitely what he wanted and that he agreed with my views on monogamy completely but apparently the neighbour has been shagging all his mates and offered him a turn too so he took it. He's a piece of shit and I've lost all respect for him"

Cue endless replies of:
'You're so controlling, he's an adult and if he wants to shag his neighbour that's up to him'
'Poor bloke should get a lock on the bathroom door so he can shag neighbours in peace'
'You controlling psycho, personally I encourage my husband to sleep with everyone on the street'
'I can't believe you swore on the internet about him, that's just as bad as sleeping with someone behind your back and against your agreement, worse probably'
'He only agreed not to shag other people because you made him, clearly he was lying and so just get on with it'
'Omg it's not like he went round to his neighbours house and asked for sex, she came to him, he probably only did it out of curiosity'
'Why are you being mean about his friends, it's none of your business if they sleep with the neighbour behind their partners backs and encourage your husband to do the same'
'Totally unrealistic to expect a red blooded male not to shag the neighbour'
'If a woman posted that her husband wouldn't let her sleep with the neighbour or anyone else for that matter we'd tell her to LTB'
'I can't believe you want him to be ASHAMED of shagging the neighbour you bullying abusive harridan'
Etc etc etc

She didn't catch him with his penis in another woman, but she did catch him doing something that was explicitly against the promises they made to each other and the boundaries of their relationship. No, venting and being upset and hurt on an anonymous internet is not the same as that, it's just not - even if she used some swear words.

It might not be your boundary, it's not mine for the record but that's not the point. If you've agreed no cheating and your partner cheats then you get to be angry/hurt/furious and to vent with as many swear words you can think of in my opinion, maybe even invent new ones for the purpose. Which is just the same as if you agree to no porn and your partner breaks that MUTUALLY AGREED AND MUTUALLY 'ENFORCED' (for want of a better word i.e. Something they both expected and required of the other) BOUNDARY. Particularly if he does it in such a way as could expose the children to it, and also allows his mates to make her into a laughing stock into the bargain.

Wouldn't matter what the boundary - if you both agree, freely agree, that your relationship will not contain cheating/porn/violence/drug use/ gambling/ Scientology/ hamsters etc etc etc then it is not controlling to expect the other person to stick to that which they too said was what they wanted. If they can no longer stick to that and feel urgently compelled to start having sex with strangers/ watching the disturbing porn their friends send them / get a hamster then they can talk to you and see if you can renegotiate boundaries, and if not then either do without or leave.

Look, she's over it, he apparently thinks the posters who've seen his 'side' are insane, storm in a not even very sexually titivating porn shaped teacup.

Girlywurly, why are you so convinced that every discussion or thread is started in an attempt to garner opinions? Since I am a real live human, my reasons were varied and not as simple as 'I wanted opinions on porn use in other people's relationships' (which I specifically stated I wasn't interested in). I wanted to rant and get it out because I was extremely angry and has nobody to talk to in real life. Some people like to verbalise their anger, it helps to work through it and begin to calm down, and I'm one of them. I wanted some suggestions on what I could say, anything I should ask or consider since my mind had gone fuzzy and he kept expecting me to have made decisions and tell him what to do when I didn't even know what to say. Hearing from people who have gone through the same thing, how they worked through it or didn't! It's not difficult to work out what I wanted if not opinions. Do you only ever begin a conversation because you want to hear opinions??

Thanks to all normal, sane posters who are sitting here with their mouths hanging open at the shit I've been accused of. Quite an eye opener. I know I'm not abusive, I've never doubted it for a second.

I honestly don't know where to go from here. I suspect if I had seen the videos I would be feeling much worse. I don't want us to split up. He's pretty glad about that and happy that I didn't kick him out of the house, which I think he was expecting. He did offer to leave for a while but it'd only mean I was dealing with the kids by myself. Now that the friends aren't sending the videos to the group he's in anymore, I can't really see it being an issue which will crop up again. But he put his arm around me in bed last night like it was all sorted and ok now and i had to shove it off. Don't particularly want him to touch me or think that everything is back to normal within a day.

As far as the friends are concerned, he hasn't known the friends a lot longer than me, a few years more. And he's always been very different to them. He said yesterday he has been distancing himself from them but doesn't really have other friends, which is true. We both find ourselves in an awkward position with friends. He knows he's outgrown them. I have noticed that he's not spending much time with them but thought it was to do with work/kids etc rather than a conscious effort. I know two of them are having a stag do next year and he said he doesn't want to go, which surprised me at the time. I don't think the differences between them were such a big deal when he was younger and he didn't think about things very deeply, but he said that he is starting to find them very irritating. They are racist and he isn't. He has mostly ignored it until now but I think it's becoming harder. He also said their political opinions are very different. That's not something he would have even thought about when he was younger, but is becoming apparent as he's getting older. They generally have very different values and parenting styles to us. Most of that is something that wouldn't prevent a friendship, but I think he's realised that they all think exactly the same and he's the one that doesn't fit in anymore. And I suspect a lot of what they say is offensive. That's really for him to deal with, though. And none of that meant he had to watch the video they sent.

I understand that you didn't want to be drawn into an exhausting discussion about the rights and wrongs of porn, but you haven't seemed particularly interested in discussing your relationship issues either...?

Did you just want everybody to pile in and agree with you that your DH is a useless piece of shit? That's not a realistic expectation.

With respect, your approach to this thread has been quite controlling. People can have differing points of view and still be 'normal' and 'sane'.

You have a big relationship problem in that your DH enjoys watching porn (nothing wrong with that) and you want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't enjoy porn/doesn't watch porn (nothing wrong with that either).

I don't think the two things are compatible though. You agreed to the relationship on the basis that you thought your DH didn't like porn, not that he enjoyed it but would resist watching it.

Are you happy to continue on the basis that he really prefers to watch it but tries his best to avoid it for your sake?
I would be worried that resentment would build on both sides, you may get resentful that he lied to you and he may get resentful that you are 'stopping' him doing something he sees as very enjoyable (which he must do to go against something he knew was so important to you-the 'reward' has got to be bigger than the 'risk') and something he probably sees as normal. I'm not saying that's right but many people view it that way and his friends are obviously going to enforce that view.

Not sure there's much point in continuing to discuss with you any more, I've just stated exactly what I wanted from the thread. It's not what I got. Surprisingly enough, it didn't feel like a safe place for me to discuss relationship issues as I was constantly having to defend myself. I don't think it is sane to accuse a person of being a controlling, abusive bully for expecting their husband to adhere to mutually agreed boundaries and being angry when they don't.

Look he broke your boundary - you're still together, so its not a boundary at all now, just something you want him to stop but really won't have any consequences apart from you being pissed off. Shit happens. Couples fall out. But dont call it a boundary now ,because you have no intention of splitting over it.

Agree with Les. Actually, agree with pretty much everything she's said on this thread. She's got her head screwed on.

Ps. Feeling anger is not the same as verbally abusing an intimate partner. I think you're conflating the two.

I think I would want to split if i found out he'd done it again. Particularly as he'd have gone looking for it himself. Do you really think I should throw away my marriage so that I can say 'see, told you I had boundaries' to a bunch of strangers on the Internet? There is no 'winning' here, just a shit thing happening which I have to respond to.

When we've talked, he has said that he still agrees with what he said at the start and was basically weak and wrong and ignored that he knew bad things about it (wrt consent, coercion etc). I can't see him going looking for it now. He wasn't much of a porn user before we were together so I don't think resentment will build because he's not watching it. I did believe that he would dislike porn because of what he knows about it, not because he will somehow train himself to no longer find naked women attractive. I'm just not sure. When we've talked I have said 'but you clearly DO like porn or you wouldn't have watched it'. It's got to be true really, hasn't it?

But he watched it due to some weird curiosity about the yuck factor, didn't he (guys fisting, etc)? Or does he say he enjoyed it in the sense of getting aroused by it?

No, it doesnt. You can look at something out of morbid curiosity without liking it one bit. Dont we all do it when we watch horrendous news stories of bombs and fires?? Not because we like it but because its there in front of us and we have awful, human morbid curiosity. You've brought it back to the porn again but really OP this is about you and your DH. How he makes you feel about yourself and how YOU make him feel about himself. Do you think he's feeling good about himself right now? Do you think he's enjoying the roasting he's had, the sharing of it on MN that you've shown him...I'm not saying you're wrong I'm saying the way you've both handled this will have lasting ramifications. Sorry.

I think this was out of curiosity. He said he wasn't wanking when I walked in. He didn't seem to be but I couldn't actually see. He said the videos contain 90% 'weird shit' to 10% standard porn. He said he has wanked to the 'nice bits' in the past but not for a while. I have no way of knowing whether any of that is true and I don't intend to watch one to find out. I caught him wanking a little while ago and I suspected that he'd been watching porn on his phone. He was so adamant that he wasn't and got angry at me for suggesting it. Seemed appalled that I would even suggest it. I thought it must be true if he's so pissed off at me for even saying it. So he MUST like watching it, even if he says he doesn't like what it all stands for, he must still like the actual sight of it. I think we need to talk more but I don't think there's anything else he can say and I'm left with either staying with him and hoping he means it when he says it won't happen again or deciding to break up our family over it. That seems a stupid thing to do to the kids. A few people have asked and outside of this, I've been very happy. But I thought he shared my views.

I don't watch the videos of bombs and fires. I find it sickening. I think it's similar to this, I just don't want to satisfy my 'curiosity' by watching somebody else's lowest moments. It's funny you mention that because i did say 'don't tell me you're also one of those people who watches beheadings online'? I feel the same way about that.

So wait on, you're not ok with him wanking either? OP, if thats the case you're asking him to act unnaturally to be with you, you can't ask that, you know that?

OP, you're extrapolating wildly now. There's a maskve difference between watching the news and watching a beheading! 😵