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Original poster

Will my ex and father of my first born ever forgive me or at least want to be friends?

250 replies

jodiemumtodavid · 24/06/2017 11:26

My first born child is now 4. Me and his father met off pof and were very careless and i fell pregnant. We were totally not right for each other so I called things off with him when i was 5 months pregnant. Please don't judge me but I got back with my childhood sweetheart whilst i was pregnant. Things as you can imagine were very tense for the rest of the pregnancy and when baby arrived. We let him see his son every other weekend and i always let him take him during the week when he wants to take time off work and asks for his boy. We have never asked for any maintenance money from him. We don't argue but he is so cold with me. I try and be nice to him when he picks up ds but he barely says a word to me. Me and my now husband also now have a daughter together so my hubby deffo does not tread too much on the daddy role to my boy. He refuses to be in the same room as my husband. I really feel sad that my boy is going to pick up soon that his dad hates his mum, and also things like birthday parties i just can't see him or his family ever wanting to do a joint celebration.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 24/06/2017 11:30

Can you blame him? You were pregnant and he thought you would be a family all together, him being there every day to see his son grow up and what happened was he got dumped and sees him once a fortnight.

If he is civil towards you rather than friendly I think that's all you can hope for.

AntiopeofThemyscira · 24/06/2017 11:30

He has every right to keep the boundaries in place that he feels he needs as does his family. "We let him see his son every other weekend". What's with the "we"? It's up to you and your child's actual father to decide this. I don't blame your ex to be honest.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/06/2017 11:31

"We let him see his son every other weekend and i always let him take him during the week when he wants to take time off work and asks for his boy. We have never asked for any maintenance money from him"

Why have you allowed your ex to do this and walk over you in such a manner?. Was this because you are scared of him or otherwise live in fear of him?. That man is financially responsible for his child too.

I would seriously consider now formalising all access arrangements through the courts along with claiming financial payments. Appeasing him as you have done has really done you no favours at all.

DearMrDilkington · 24/06/2017 11:33

His not just your son, its his son too. Also what is all the letting him have contact thing about? Do you think your doing an amazing deed by allowing him to be with his own child?

I'm not surprised his cold towards you when you have that attitude.

Saiman · 24/06/2017 11:34

He needs tp be paying maintence.

However, apart from that, dont think he has done anything wrong.

You make it sound like he should be grateful he gets to see his own child.

Under the circumstances i would say civil is what you need to settle with.

PurpleDaisies · 24/06/2017 11:35

Has he refused to pay maintenance or have you said you don't want it?

PurpleDaisies · 24/06/2017 11:35

You make it sound like he should be grateful he gets to see his own child.

This is spot on.

AntiopeofThemyscira · 24/06/2017 11:36

I missed the not paying maintenance. Yes he totally should be.

stitchglitched · 24/06/2017 11:36

Atilla EOW and midweek is pretty standard contact for an NRP. Why would you be encouraging the OP to start a court case, which will only serve to inflame the situation and make things more hostile?

CMS can be contacted for support which he should be paying.

Original poster
jodiemumtodavid · 24/06/2017 11:37

I appreaciate the honesty, be brutal i know i hurt i do.

We really don't need the money for maintenance and he has now had to get his own flat which is costing him an arm and a leg and he isnt in the highest paid job. If we asked for maintenance i imagine he would have to move back with his parents. Thats the angle i'm coming from there.

We agreed access when child was 6 months old which is the access we have now.

OP posts:
Original poster
jodiemumtodavid · 24/06/2017 11:38
  • i know i hurt him i do (typo)
OP posts:
Original poster
jodiemumtodavid · 24/06/2017 11:38

He lives in a town 20 miles away from us and works 9-5 so midweek is not really doable with bedtime, etc. If could give him more access i would.

OP posts:
Saiman · 24/06/2017 11:38

You know tou hurt him.

He is being civil. Leave it there.

Original poster
jodiemumtodavid · 24/06/2017 11:41

I just want things to be as best as possible for our boy. I really don't want him to grow up seeing his daddy hate his mummy. We do hospital appointments and school visits together and he puts on an act for the staff that we are friends but then when we get back in the car he doesn't speak to me.

OP posts:
HildaOg · 24/06/2017 11:42

Did your post mean he not see his own kid until he was six months old? It's not your husbands business when your ex can see his own son. You've hurt your ex massively.

stitchglitched · 24/06/2017 11:43

Well the maintenance issue is your choice. I would usually think an NRP should pay but if you consider it more beneficial for your son that his Dad can afford his own place he can see him at then that's a valid reason to leave it IMO.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 24/06/2017 11:44

You don't get to give him access.

I hope he takes you to court for access to his own son.

Wise up and grow up.

Lelloteddy · 24/06/2017 11:45

OP this is HIS issue, not yours.

He will be the one causing emotional damage to his child by being an arse to his mum and stepdad.

All you can do is encourage your son to have a positive relationship with his dad, talk positively about his time with his dad and hope that soon, this guy grows the fuck up and gets over the fact that someone ended a relationship with him. He had unprotected sex as well. This was not just about you.

Original poster
jodiemumtodavid · 24/06/2017 11:45

He of course saw him during the first 6 months. He wasn't there at the birth but my family arranged for him to go to their house to meet baby when he was a few days old. Then we met up twice a week till he was 6 months then he had him for a day at weekends then at 12 months for a whole weekend.

Its not just me he's off with. If my mother has to give him ds in my absence he doesn't speak to her either.

OP posts:
Sunnymorningwithbacon · 24/06/2017 11:46

I wouldn't speak to you either. I would be barely polite.

Saiman · 24/06/2017 11:47

Plenty of kids grow up with their parents having a civil relationship and not all going to everything together.

This situation is, mainly, your own making.

He feels how he feels and you need to just get on with it

Saiman · 24/06/2017 11:48

A few days old?

So who got to meet the baby before its own father?

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 24/06/2017 11:50

The child doesn't belong to you

It's not we let I let we allow

He's his father and your child has a right to a relationship with him.

Who is this we of which you speak so often?

How much of a gap was there between you splitting with your ex and getting with your husband?

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 24/06/2017 11:50

And yes. Who all got to meet the child before his own father?

disneykid · 24/06/2017 11:51

I wouldn't even want to see you, let alone be you and your husbands 'friend'.

He isn't being rude when he comes to collect his child, just being civil. You can't expect him to be happy and friendly when you ran off with your ex while pregnant. He's putting up with it for his son.