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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Will my ex and father of my first born ever forgive me or at least want to be friends?

250 replies

jodiemumtodavid · 24/06/2017 11:26

My first born child is now 4. Me and his father met off pof and were very careless and i fell pregnant. We were totally not right for each other so I called things off with him when i was 5 months pregnant. Please don't judge me but I got back with my childhood sweetheart whilst i was pregnant. Things as you can imagine were very tense for the rest of the pregnancy and when baby arrived. We let him see his son every other weekend and i always let him take him during the week when he wants to take time off work and asks for his boy. We have never asked for any maintenance money from him. We don't argue but he is so cold with me. I try and be nice to him when he picks up ds but he barely says a word to me. Me and my now husband also now have a daughter together so my hubby deffo does not tread too much on the daddy role to my boy. He refuses to be in the same room as my husband. I really feel sad that my boy is going to pick up soon that his dad hates his mum, and also things like birthday parties i just can't see him or his family ever wanting to do a joint celebration.

OP posts:

stitchglitched · 25/06/2017 18:17

'So the mother looks like she's given a massively generous gift and nothing to do with the person who gave the money'

Well it would be a gift from the mother. She will have spent 18 years providing for the child with no support and this is money that she should have been given in the first place. Your suggestion seems to be Dad paying nothing for his entire childhood and then coming along with a big cash gift and getting the credit for being generous. What a load of nonsense.

ddssdd · 25/06/2017 20:00

Couldn't you have waited until baby was born before you embarked on r'ship with childhood sweetheart?

That may have mimised a lot of the negativity.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Imbeingunreasonable · 25/06/2017 20:28

Haven't rtft however I may be going against the grain. Forgive me if this has already been mentioned....

The child is 4 years old. Op's ex has had 4 years to come to terms with the situation. He probably is a great dad. Op and her dh are clearly trying to make the best of what started off as a bad situation. No, I wouldn't expect the ex to like op and her husband. I would expect him to financially support the child, but op is happy for him not to in light of ex's circumstances - seems reasonable to me. I would also expect like I think op is doing here, that the ex tries to get over the past and build bridges going forward in order to at least speak to the mother of his child!!! Ffs, the little boy will be picking up on this. It isn't fair to him.

Some judgemental people on here. And op, if you knew he relationship wasn't going to work with this guy when you were pregnant I don't blame you for calling it off.

Would ex have been happy if op had broken off with him when pregnant and got with her current partner say, a year down the line? Or would he always be bitter lemons about it regardless?

CheeseBubbles · 25/06/2017 20:37

Today 20:00 ddssdd

Couldn't you have waited until baby was born before you embarked on r'ship with childhood sweetheart? That may have mimised a lot of the negativity. Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

But why should she have? why deny herself the comfort of a partner while she's pregnant because she broke up with a guy she'd only been dating a very short while? Why would it hurt him less if she was not having sex?

This is bizarre. There was a thread years back about where the op had met another man while pregnant. The whole of MN lost its shit that she was letting an 'unrelated to the foetus' man's penis in her vagina "and near another man's baby's head"

Is that what this pearl clutching is about?

Imbeingunreasonable · 25/06/2017 21:14

Also can I point out to people when they comment on op's wording. Yes she worded it badly by saying "WE allow him see our son...." however pp have put all the emphasis on the fathers right to a relationship with his child.

Actually it's a CHILD'S right to a relationship with its parents.

I'll be over in pedants corner if anyone wants me.....

Imbeingunreasonable · 25/06/2017 21:14

Parents have responsibilities, children have rights

ilovegin112 · 25/06/2017 21:52

I wonder how some on here would feel if their dp left them when newly pregnant got a new girlfriend and then let the child call the girlfriend mummy, I would say that being civil wouldn't cut it

Imbeingunreasonable · 25/06/2017 22:12

It would hurt gin but if it was me after 4 years I think I'd try and develop some acrimony by actually speaking somewhat

Imbeingunreasonable · 25/06/2017 22:15

On the flip side I'd probably wonder why op's ex is going through his life still bitter about what happened. The pain he feels is real, no one can deny this. But if it was me I wouldn't let it hang over me forever and a day

Changedname3456 · 25/06/2017 23:07

"But if it was me I wouldn't let it hang over me forever and a day"

Oh you can loathe someone and not let it "hang over" your day to day life, believe me!

Don't forget that we are, by necessity, only getting the OP's side of all this. The missing bits (assuming there are any - there usually are though) may make the ex's frostiness more understandable. I know, for a fact, that the picture painted of how exW split with me when she's talked to other people is a VERY different one from reality. As humans, we're very good at

Changedname3456 · 25/06/2017 23:07

..very good at justifying our actions to ourselves and others

fatdogs · 25/06/2017 23:50

The double standards in this thread is so laughable. If a man had left his gf while she was pregnant on the basis that he knew the relationship was not right for him and went back to an ex gf would posters be praising him for it? If he suddenly decided that after 4 years he wants to be all apply would posters be telling the gf to grow up and get over it, after all it has been FOUR whole years? But because he is a man, he is not allowed feelings. No he can't be civil, oh No, that's childish. He has to be friends with the OP and play happy families with her and her new bloke and make sure SHE doesnt feel guilty or awkward in any way.

fatdogs · 25/06/2017 23:59

@iambeingunreasonable why does he have to try and build bridges though. What's in it for him? As long as he doesn't alienate his child or badmouthing her to his son. He doesn't have to be at all friendly to OP as long as he is willingbto communicate with her about arrangements for their son and to work with her in the case of an emergency. Anything beyond that is entirely up to him and if it makes UP feel awkward or bad, well I am sure he feels just as awkward and bad when HIS son sees another man as a father figure more often than him and his son calls another man Dad (albeit this is not encouraged by the OP). Yes pp are correct in that posters on MN have lost their shit when an OW treads on their turf. But they can turf out an ex p from their child's life and that man is supposed to be all right about and even concerned about their feelings.

EsmeeMerlin · 26/06/2017 00:20

I don't think the ex is doing anything wrong. Op has said he is a good dad, he sees his son when he can, no he does not pay maintance but op has said the son is cared for and bought things when he is there. He is not horrible to op, he does not cause scenes, he does not say anything negatively to op's son. The only issue is he does not want to be friends with op which is his right.

All in all op, I think actually you could not ask for much better from the situation and you should respect his decision at keeping it civil and distant.

RogueBiscuit · 26/06/2017 02:59

I really don't see the problem here. You didn't want a relationship with him so you split up. That's your absolute right. You don't owe him a relationship and if he's acting like this year's later I wouldn't have him at hospital appointments where he treats you like shit in front of your son.

He sounds a right fucking cock.

user1493413286 · 26/06/2017 03:28

I think some of the posts are missing the point; it doesn't matter what a mum or dad feel about each other, the most important persons feelings are the child's. There are plenty of parents who have been really hurt by the other one but are polite (friendly even) for the sake of the child as they are the priority.
Unfortunately tho if he hasn't changed his approach in 4 years then it's unlikely you'll be able to do much about it at this stage. Not sure if you've tried talking to him about it? Othr than that it's really up to him to realise it isn't fair on your child.

beingsunny · 26/06/2017 04:38

I think you expect too much, he doesn't need to like you more be friends with you.

Are you worried as your son gets older that he will judge you for what you did to his father?

thereallochnessmonster · 26/06/2017 08:45

Sunnymorning - I'm sorry about your experience with your ex, but it sounds like OP's experience has been completely different, so I'm not sure how helpful your post is.

My ex gaslighted me. Threw me out in the middle of the night in just the clothes I stood up in. Beat me. Raped me. Emotionally abused me.

OnionKnight · 26/06/2017 09:09

I wouldn't have him at hospital appointments where he treats you like shit in front of your son.

Except that he isn't treating her like shit.

SwedishToast · 26/06/2017 09:23

fatdog. I know you're a bit of an MRA so I'll explain the difference between leaving a pregnant woman and a pregnant woman leaving a man.

The difference is that she is pregnant. Do you get it now? She is also doing all the work in the initial 6 months after the baby.

The equivalent would be him leaving a not pregnant woman. Which would be fine. Totally fine. Even leaving a pregnant woman is fine if you're miserable. it's just really fucking bad timing.

He wasn't pregnant. He got dumped by someone he'd been with a few months. It happens.

LesisMiserable · 26/06/2017 09:37

He got dumped by someone after a few months which yes, is fine. Except thats his boy and he has to live with having a connection to a woman he was casually dating who he probs couldnt give a crap about now for life. He is being civil but detached and I think he's doing a bloody good job at it tbh.

Ellisandra · 26/06/2017 11:52

I thought of this thread yesterday.

I dropped my child off to her dad, and because there are 4 extra things going on for her this week, had to converse and stay longer than the usual "here's her school bag " and the bright happy "have a lovely week with daddy darling - don't forget to give him the extra biscuits you baked for him today!"

My XH is a lying thieving cheating arsehole. I can chat to my child positively, about what a great idea it is to bake extra for him.

But I simply can't be chit chatting on the door step about how nice her new hair cut looks. Because he's a cunt.

Ellisandra · 26/06/2017 11:52

*his new hair cut

sleeponeday · 26/06/2017 18:43

@iambeingunreasonable why does he have to try and build bridges though. What's in it for him?

The welfare of his son?

And it is frankly pretty laughable to compare a man leaving a pregnant woman. He's not growing a human being from scratch, facing childbirth, and then coping with the emotional, physical and practical rollercoaster of a newborn, all of which is done by the mother in 99% of cases - even the last. I appreciate that if he were excited and happy to be a father, and was sideswiped by the OP leaving, that's a heartbreak, but being left is always a heartbreak: it doesn't mean nobody can ever leave a relationship that isn't working for them. Man or woman.

sleeponeday · 26/06/2017 18:44

Ellisandra that's being positive about their relationship, though, which is rising to the occasion and putting your child first. I admire the hell out of you for it, too. It's hard.

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