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Original poster

Will my ex and father of my first born ever forgive me or at least want to be friends?

250 replies

jodiemumtodavid · 24/06/2017 11:26

My first born child is now 4. Me and his father met off pof and were very careless and i fell pregnant. We were totally not right for each other so I called things off with him when i was 5 months pregnant. Please don't judge me but I got back with my childhood sweetheart whilst i was pregnant. Things as you can imagine were very tense for the rest of the pregnancy and when baby arrived. We let him see his son every other weekend and i always let him take him during the week when he wants to take time off work and asks for his boy. We have never asked for any maintenance money from him. We don't argue but he is so cold with me. I try and be nice to him when he picks up ds but he barely says a word to me. Me and my now husband also now have a daughter together so my hubby deffo does not tread too much on the daddy role to my boy. He refuses to be in the same room as my husband. I really feel sad that my boy is going to pick up soon that his dad hates his mum, and also things like birthday parties i just can't see him or his family ever wanting to do a joint celebration.

OP posts:
swingofthings · 24/06/2017 13:02

For one, stop going about decision regarding your son and his dad as 'we'. It's not about we, it's about you as your son's mum. Stopping this approach of 'we' vs 'him' will help.

Secondly, you can expect things to get much better when he gets into a serious relationship.

ToadsforJustice · 24/06/2017 13:04

No. He will never forgive you. You will never be friends. You can be civil. Both of you can still be terrific parents to your child. That is what matters.

BastardGoDarkly · 24/06/2017 13:05

Agree Stitch wtf is going on here lately? Hmm

Lelloteddy · 24/06/2017 13:05

The guy IS a dickhead based on what the OP has described about his attitude and behaviour towards her. Which will potentially affect his son. And the fact that he doesn't pay maintenance? Dickhead of the highest order.

But if it makes you feel better to thrown insults around Onion, then go for it. It doesn't change my opinion of this guy as an immature dickhead who, after over 4 years, is as bitter towards the mother of his child, as he was when first dumped.

Original poster
jodiemumtodavid · 24/06/2017 13:06

I can take the brutal remarks. I've had them in real life too. Its history i cannot change.

I wouldn't even know how to raise the topic of family counselling with my ex. To be honest when we split and got with my now hubby my ex never caused a scene, he never confronted us or anything or contacted my family. his dad did contact my mum once when i was pregnant to try and get some clarification on the paternity issue on behalf of his son and from all accounts my ex was in a really bad place at the time which i can fully understand. I know i hurt him but i didn't mean to hurt him and i cannot change it. I know i should stop beating myself up about it but i just really want things to be good for our boy but i accept from the responses on here i am probably asking for a bit too much all considering. I will just have to make do with being civil and make best of an awkward situation i guess.

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 24/06/2017 13:06

Jesus Christ!? She said 'we' instead of me a few times! Get over it! She explained its a force of habit, do you not do similar?

Sukitakeitoff · 24/06/2017 13:06

Oh and in my opinion other ex didn't have a "right" the be at the birth if you didn't want him there. I genuinely feel that a woman has a right to choose her birth partner, be that her partner, best friend, mum, doula, whatever. No way on earth would I want an ex there, regardless of whether he was the father of my baby or not.

NorthernLurker · 24/06/2017 13:07

So your ex has been replaced as his child's father with another man being at the child's birth, called daddy and paying for the child's needs? And you wonder why he's not your best friend? Hmm

You should have accepted the money he offered and you need to stop talking about letting him see his son. He has rights to see him and parent him. You have no rights for him to chatter away to you like none of this ever happened. You made your choices, own them.

BastardGoDarkly · 24/06/2017 13:08

I think hoping for joint parties etc is a stretch tbh.

OnionKnight · 24/06/2017 13:09

*The guy IS a dickhead based on what the OP has described about his attitude and behaviour towards her. Which will potentially affect his son. And the fact that he doesn't pay maintenance? Dickhead of the highest order.

But if it makes you feel better to thrown insults around Onion, then go for it. It doesn't change my opinion of this guy as an immature dickhead who, after over 4 years, is as bitter towards the mother of his child, as he was when first dumped.*

The OP doesn't want maintenance because otherwise he'd have no fucking house.

And it's not surprising that he's barely civil with her based on what she's posted, she was right to end the relationship but it's been a bit of a car crash since because of things that were not beyond her control.

deugain · 24/06/2017 13:10

I just would like to think things would get better. If he can be nice to me when we got to school and hospital appointments then why not all the time?

Not sure that's so bad - means meeting can focus on the child's need rather than get side tracked. I have a family member who ex is barely civil in such meetings - and had led to things being derailed.

Secondly, you can expect things to get much better when he gets into a serious relationship.

Wouldn't bank on that - it very well might do or it could get worse or the boy could get forgotten about or resented by new partner.

stitchglitched · 24/06/2017 13:12

Or, Northern, OP decided to end a relationship and exercised her right to chose who she wanted at the birth. She is happy for the ex to use what would have been maintenance to go towards his own place and has regularly facilitated contact.

Where does it say he calls new guy Daddy? Did I miss a post somewhere?

ZefStar · 24/06/2017 13:14

Whys op getting such a hard time?? She's allowed to break up with someone, pregnant or not. Should she have stayed with him even though they weren't right for each other? Fuck. That.
However that said, if he's be being civil to you Jodie (hope those aren't your real names) then leave it at that. You can't force a friendly relationship. Maybe get a proper shared care agreement in place.
Oh and he should pay maintenance, stop feeling guilty about his financial situation. He's presumably a grown man (although seems to be acting like a sulky child) and should expect to support his child

honeyroar · 24/06/2017 13:15

I think it's fine OP, you're still both thinking of the child, you don't have to be friends. As long as your child has a loving relationship with both of you he will be fine. I doubt the child will think anything much of it. I remember my stepson being more relaxed about it all - lots of kids at school had two families.. I wouldn't be surprised if it settled down later. Don't force friendship or worry about it, as long as you're not screaming at each other in front of your child it's fine. And what's done is done, not worth beating yourself up over what happened - understand why he doesn't want to be buddies, but don't feel guilty.

And Lello I don't think chatting in public but not in private is manipulating- he's not trying to gain anything, he's just not being rude in public. And he's only being silent in private. Hardly heavy stuff. I'd have loved my husbands ex to be like that.

Saiman · 24/06/2017 13:16

Op didnt have to stay with her ex

Op can have who she wants at the birth etc

But there are consequences to those decisions. Most people dont talk after they split. Many people co parent without actually setting eyes on eachother.

Its not about right or wrong. Its about the OP wanting too much for the relationship. Sometimes you just have to accept these things.

OnionKnight · 24/06/2017 13:17

All those who say he should be paying maintenance, would you rather that the ex was homeless and had to meet his son in KFC or somewhere?

AlletrixLeStrange · 24/06/2017 13:17

Ignoring all other things that I don't agree with about your post and answering your question alone..
My ex was a bit like this when we split (DS was 18 months at the time) but things have got better since and I'd almost say we're friends.
You hurt him and I can only assume he wishes he had a conventional family where he gets to see his son daily, he has to live with knowing another man gets to do that instead of him. How would that make you feel in his shoes?
I think you're lucky he's being civil and not nasty, but I wouldn't try and and force a friendship with him.

honeyroar · 24/06/2017 13:18

He should be paying maintenance though. Even if you say you don't need it you can save it for his uni costs or first car or house.. I'd sort that out officially. He probably won't have to pay much if he's on low wage.

Evewasinnocent · 24/06/2017 13:19

Hey a lot of people are imo being very unfair to you - you ended a relationship which wan't right for you - you happened to be pregnant - your DS has a relationship with his DF - arranged by mutual agreement. I think you can be friends if you both want to - and though I can't give any personal insight read interviews Keeley Hawes has given (she met Matthew Macfayden when she was pregnant) - their arrangements sound very civilised to me - so it can be done. Also a friend of my DS - - has a DSF who is also his uncle and a DS who is also his DF's niece (are you keeping up)! They too are all very civilised and all have family events together - including Christmas! The children are all happy too! It can be done - just need to all be grown-ups - can you reach out to your ex? Can you get your DH to buy in to engaging with ex for sake of better harmony for your DS?

GinIsIn · 24/06/2017 13:19

Why exactly is he not allowed to hate you? You can't hurt someone massively and then be cross they don't want to be friends - this is a situation of your making and you don't get to force him to like you just so you can feel better about yourself.

Ketzele · 24/06/2017 13:20

Some bizarre behaviour on this thread, truly.

OP, I'm sorry you've had a kicking that you don't deserve. I understand why you want to create a better atmosphere but I think you may have to accept that this is out of your control. Just keep being civil, be open but age-appropriate with your son, and accept that your ex's behaviour is not something you are going to be able to change - that will have to come from him.

AdalindSchade · 24/06/2017 13:25

Poor op! Just because you worded a post badly (we let him) you have been totally piled on.
There is absolutely no need to formalise working contact arrangements through the court. That is not what the family courts are for.
Every other weekend is fine, breaking up with him when pregnant is your right and he isn't doing anything wrong by being civil but not friendly.
The only thing you should have handled differently is your husband seeing the baby before you did but you were literally post natal and it sounds like he wasn't very cooperative so meh

Civilsoot · 24/06/2017 13:26

I can't believe the grief people on here are piling on you.

You did nothing wrong. What were you supposed to do? Stay in a relationship you knew wasn't going to last, deny yourself future happiness with your now husband because you got pregnant by someone else?

I think you're being remarkably generous OP in trying to be on friendlier terms, it's your ex that is lacking the emotional maturity.

I repeat, you have done nothing wrong. You are allowed to break up with someone, pregnant by him or not. You are the one that decides who you wanted at the birth, you and you alone. Your ex could have tried to facilitate meeting after the birth at the hospital but it sounds like he didn't want to, why should it have be down to you to sort out?

You have moved on with your life and it seems like your ex is still 'punishing' you 4 years, 4 bloody years later!

It it means this much to you try and have a word about putting on a more United front in front of your child. If he is grown up enough he will see that it's for your kids benefit too.

CheeseBubbles · 24/06/2017 13:29

This is such a weird thread! Hmm

Somehow the op is a bitch to her ex forgiving her ex custody whenever he wants it and. It financially crippling him when she can afford not to. Oh and for not letting a man she'd known a few months business end of her vagina at the birth.

OP your ex sounds alright, you sound alright. I'd maybe suggest asking for a small amount of maintenance and setting up an account for ds fornwhen he's older. Unfortunately he may ever like you. You're two incompatible people who have accidentally made a human and have to deal with each other. I think it might be worth asking if you can an meet at the pub just you and him. Leave dh and ds at home. Tell him that you think it's best for ds if you can be nice to each other. Even if you have to fake it. He'll want to be at ds's parties I'm sure.

CheeseBubbles · 24/06/2017 13:31

This is such a weird thread! hmm

Somehow the op is a bitch to her ex for giving her ex custody whenever he wants it and not financially crippling him when she can afford not to. Oh and for not letting a man she'd known a few months business end of her vagina at the birth.

OP your ex sounds alright, you sound alright. I'd maybe suggest asking for a small amount of maintenance every month and setting up an account for ds for when he's older. Unfortunately ex may never like you. You're two incompatible people who have accidentally made a human and have to deal with each other. I think it might be worth asking if you can meet at the pub just you and him. Leave dh and ds at home. Tell him that you think it's best for ds if you can be nice to each other. Even if you have to fake it. He'll want to be at ds's parties I'm sure.

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