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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Will my ex and father of my first born ever forgive me or at least want to be friends?

250 replies

jodiemumtodavid · 24/06/2017 11:26

My first born child is now 4. Me and his father met off pof and were very careless and i fell pregnant. We were totally not right for each other so I called things off with him when i was 5 months pregnant. Please don't judge me but I got back with my childhood sweetheart whilst i was pregnant. Things as you can imagine were very tense for the rest of the pregnancy and when baby arrived. We let him see his son every other weekend and i always let him take him during the week when he wants to take time off work and asks for his boy. We have never asked for any maintenance money from him. We don't argue but he is so cold with me. I try and be nice to him when he picks up ds but he barely says a word to me. Me and my now husband also now have a daughter together so my hubby deffo does not tread too much on the daddy role to my boy. He refuses to be in the same room as my husband. I really feel sad that my boy is going to pick up soon that his dad hates his mum, and also things like birthday parties i just can't see him or his family ever wanting to do a joint celebration.

OP posts:
dailydance · 24/06/2017 22:12

My parents hated each other for several years when I was growing up. They pretended to get on for our sake. It was ridiculous because although we were children, we knew it was fake. It was also very confusing. It would have been much easier if we were sat down and talked to about it in a way that we could relate to.

AskBasil · 25/06/2017 00:20

FFS when did Mumsnet become a place that prioritised the feelz of anyone else above those of a woman in labour?

Perhaps the next door neighbour might have wanted to see the kid born as well. Or the mother in law. But you know what, if there are people around who the woman in labour is not comfortable having there, their presence can have such an impact on her oxytocin etc. levels, that they slow down her labour and endanger both her and the child.

WTF, do people not know that? Have none of you actually been through labour or something ? What is this bullshit, that mothers should have people in their labour room, that they don't like because they are more important than her and her child?

Fuck me. Every time I come on MN recently there's a load of bollocks on it. Hmm

MonkeyPieMama · 25/06/2017 01:15

Some of these messages are so unnecessarily harsh. She broke up with someone she didn't want to be with-that is OPs prerogative! Why are people having a go at her for that? I think regarding access, OP simply hasn't worked things as well as she could have.
OP, he may always be off with you, but don't feet over it.
Don't let the bitchy comments on here get to you. Flowers

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 25/06/2017 01:28

Oh dear Sad I think you just have to accept it as it is for now op. You sound like you're really trying but you broke his heart and, by the pair of you breaking up, shattered his idea of being a family so I can see why he's upset. That's not to say you shouldn't have broken up with him, just that you have to accept he feels how he feels imo

runningintothelight · 25/06/2017 02:34

Some people on here are harsh.

She broke up with him because she felt they weren't right for each other... pregnant or not , she made the right decision.

Don't be too put out by his reactions... he will either get over it , or he won't . It's as simple as that . Just like you had the choice to leave him, he has the choice to act this way,

Respect it and try and focus on not letting it beat you down too much, focus on the good, that he still makes the effort to see your son, regardless if hes paying maintenance or not .

Atenco · 25/06/2017 04:16

Well said, AskBasi

Some totally nuts responses on this thread, hard to believe that these are mostly women answering.

GinIsIn · 25/06/2017 05:39

FFS nobody is saying she didn't do the right thing in breaking up with him!!! They are saying that a consequence of that action is that he doesn't want to be her friend and she doesn't have a right to expect him to. If this was reversed and someone's boyfriend had left them whilst pregnant and started a new relationship before the baby was even born, would you all be saying he had done the right thing and she was wrong to not be his friend? I think not..... Hmm

SeekingSugar · 25/06/2017 06:35

OP you have done nothing wrong. You are not obliged to stay in a relationship where you are not happy, you are not responsible for your ex's feelings nor his behaviour.

To be honest your ex sounds immature and selfish, absurd to carry on like that so far down the track and very unkind to lay this out in front of his son. Yes it will affect his/your son negatively and sadly that's how it is for the zillions of children with selfish parents.

What you can do is to continue to provide a secure and loving environment for your son so at least most of his family experiences are positive.

However, he may respond to the negativity by starting to resist visits with his father. If that happens, do seek professional support, and legal advice on your position. Please don't be guilt tripped into forcing the child through damaging handovers. your ex needs to grow up and stop being manipulative. Until he does, your son needs you to teach him that it's not ok.

Sorry you've had so many unkind and unhelpful responses on this thread. Some posters get off on kicking people when they're down.

Lelloteddy · 25/06/2017 10:26

Well said Seekingsugar.
And Askbasil.

OP if you are still reading, please don't let the downright be nastiness you've received on this thread get to you. You've done your best. The issues are his but it seems that he's not the only one who believes it's normal, mature behaviour to carry a grudge for years and potentially damage his child in the process. You really did have a lucky escape from this guy.

AskBasil · 25/06/2017 11:10

But Fenella, she hasn't asked to be his friend.

She just wants him to behave as a responsible co-parent. That means extending a level of friendliness, whether you feel it or not, that enables everyone to be comfortable.

We can do it for troublesome work colleagues, irritating suppliers, annoying guests. Why can't we do it for the parent of our child?

If our careers and other relationships are important enough for us to grit our teeth and hide our hostility, why aren't our children's feelings?

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 25/06/2017 11:52

I totally disagree that you have to extend a level of friendliness to the other parent of your children.

To me, there's a difference between polite and friendly. I'm polite. Not friendly.

The man broke me, completely, why on earth do I have an obligation to be friendly with him?

Imagine.

My ex gaslighted me. Threw me out in the middle of the night in just the clothes I stood up in. Beat me. Raped me. Emotionally abused me.

And you think I have to extend a level of friendliness, whether I feel it or not?

Quite frankly. Fuck that.

Teepish · 25/06/2017 11:59

What leaps from your Op is, "we LET him see his son".

He has every right to see his son, you and your husband are not the Gatekeepers Confused

No wonder he is cold. However it is up to the both of you to be at the very least, civil and positive about each other towards your child.

Also, he should really be paying maintenance.

Teepish · 25/06/2017 12:02

Sunny, I struggle with that too. I have to be civil with a cold, aggressive manipulative man every week because our dd adores him and is sensitive to the fact that we are no longer together after months of bad feeling and arguments.

AskBasil · 25/06/2017 12:04

Yeah, agreed Sunnymorningwithbacon, sorry, it's so obvious to me that not applicable to abuse, that I forgot to add a caveat about that not being applicable to situations where abuse had happened - thank you for pointing it out as it's really important that women aren't bullied into feeling they owe friendliness to an abuser. I don't think anyone's under any obligation at all to be friendly to someone who has been abusive to them.

But that isn't the case here. The OP has not abused this man. (Though many men are labouring under the delusion that a woman ending a relationship with them, is by definition abuse.)

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 25/06/2017 12:09

I don't think the op had any obligation at all to stay in a relationship with him

But he's entitled to his feelings too. And he doesn't want to be friends but is "cold" but not abusive he's allowed to be.

No one owes anyone a level of friendliness.

Polite. Yes.

But friendliness? No one has to be friends with anyone they don't want to be. And that's a lesson we teach our kids in the playground. How many posts "school are making my child play with x"?

Same thing. He doesn't have to be friendly if he doesn't want to. The op clearly hurt him. He might mellow. He might not. But she has no right to keep pushing for friendly. I'd say that was emotionally inappropriate. And staggeringly self centred.

AskBasil · 25/06/2017 12:36

I disagree that it's self-centred. If it weren't for her child, she wouldn't have to have anything to do with him, much less be friendly with him.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 25/06/2017 12:36

Why does he have to be friendly?

AskBasil · 25/06/2017 12:36

Also, "cold" isn't polite.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 25/06/2017 12:38

That's a matter of interpretation. I see myself as polite my ex sees me as rude because I don't smile at him and give short answers and don't want to meet his gf.

Sunnymorningwithbacon · 25/06/2017 12:43

Sorry. Perception a better word than interpretation

BaDumShh · 25/06/2017 12:45

OP you are getting a very hard time here.

Yes, you hurt him when you ended things. That's life - we've all been hurt before and manage to not act like immature children. You got pregnant very quickly with someone you barely knew, and that is as much on him as it is on you.

It's been 4 years and the fact he can't even be civil towards you shows what an immature little boy he is. He is behaving pathetically in all honesty and needs to grow up.

And yes, he should be paying maintenance for his own child.

heidiwine · 25/06/2017 13:47

I speak with some (but not a lot) of similar experience. Shit happens in life, you made some mistakes but there is a little boy in the middle of it and I totally respect you for trying to sort it all out. I agree that he will benefit from his parents getting along.
These are some things that I think may have worked in my situation:

  • helping your son to make/buy cards and presents for him on birthdays/Xmas/Father's Day etc.
  • making the effort to adjust contact for special days (offering it rather than waiting to be asked)
  • telling him that you think he's a good dad and that your son loves him
  • asking him if he would like to come with you (for the sake of your son) to sports day/school plays/assemblies/football matches and telling him why you'd like that (in a very positive way)
  • encouraging contact by FaceTime or sending the occasional photo in his non-contact time
In doing all of those things you're dragging the horse to water... he can choose whether or not he drinks and there's nothing you can do to force him in afraid. Also... he should pay maintenance (and he should want to...).
worridmum · 25/06/2017 15:21

He offered to pay maintaince but if as the OP assumes if maintaince means he has to move back into his parents house could mean no more overnights /less contact isn't that worse then the small amount she would get if he's on a low income remember nrp don't get tax credits normally housing benefit or other such things single parents get.

And remember he offered so he wanted to pay it for all we know he maybe saving it up to give it to him when he is older rather than the OP saving it up to give as I can safely assume she would not say here child here is some money from your father etc...

So the mother looks likes she's given a massively generous gift and nothing to do with the person who gave the money

AskBasil · 25/06/2017 17:39

WTF are you talking about worridmum?

Something about maintenance being a present?

You do realise that saving up maintenance until the children are 18, is not how maintenance works, don't you? It's for the upkeep of the child while they are a child. Giving it to them when they're 18, is not acceptable unless both parties have agreed that.

Changedname3456 · 25/06/2017 18:05

"She broke up with him because she felt they weren't right for each other... pregnant or not, she made the right decision."

I'm sure that's exactly the sympathetic outlook a guy breaking up with his pregnant "gf" (of however short a relationship) to get back with his ex would get on here Hmm

Regardless, it's not "wrong," or surprising, that OP's ex can't be more than civil to her and the partner, in these circumstances.

If nothing else, the fact that the new partner sees this guy's child so much more often than he does.. gets to be so much more of a part of that dc's life.. well that alone would grate. At least as much as it irritates so many women when the OW gets to spend (so much less than in this case) time with their children.