Will my ex and father of my first born ever forgive me or at least want to be friends?

[jodiemumtodavid]

My first born child is now 4. Me and his father met off pof and were very careless and i fell pregnant. We were totally not right for each other so I called things off with him when i was 5 months pregnant. Please don't judge me but I got back with my childhood sweetheart whilst i was pregnant. Things as you can imagine were very tense for the rest of the pregnancy and when baby arrived. We let him see his son every other weekend and i always let him take him during the week when he wants to take time off work and asks for his boy. We have never asked for any maintenance money from him. We don't argue but he is so cold with me. I try and be nice to him when he picks up ds but he barely says a word to me. Me and my now husband also now have a daughter together so my hubby deffo does not tread too much on the daddy role to my boy. He refuses to be in the same room as my husband. I really feel sad that my boy is going to pick up soon that his dad hates his mum, and also things like birthday parties i just can't see him or his family ever wanting to do a joint celebration.

OP why don't you let him grow up knowing the circumstances, in as child friendly a way as possible? Then there won't be some big reveal with you painted as evil for him to deal with when he gets older.

I've never asked for him to be in the same room as my hubby. I would like to think we can get things together for our two families to get together for joint birthdays and stuff. I know its a long shot though.

Lello I can assure you my kids aren't damaged by me being civil at parents evenings. Not at all.

Nor are they damaged by two birthday parties.

They know - and knew from very young - that mummy and daddy didn't love each other any more and so didn't want to live in the same house.

there's no need for drama about it - which the ex doesn't seem like he is doing. But he doesn't have to be all over the op and her dh. He can choose not to be friends with them (I wouldn't either)

OP my kids know their daddy had an affair. They know their first half sibling was a result of that affair. They love their daddy. They still love him despite being old enough to have worked out what happened. If he asks questions, just be honest and factual with him. You don't speak badly of his dad. Kids are cleverer than we give them credit for. He won't think badly of you because you provide him with stability, consistency and love.
Stop trying to please this guy. The fact that he refuses to feed or clothe his son, or provide a roof over his head but is quite happy to let you and DH do it all speaks volumes about him.

Where does the op say her ex doesn't feed his son ?!

OP, I think you're getting ahard time here, and I'm not sure why.

I'd just back off for now. Be civil to your ex, but I wouldn;t worry about joint parties or stuff like that. Tell your ds now what happened and he'll always knw about it and there won't be a big secret when he's older.

You have facilitated contact, encourage and support their relationship and don't even claim maintenance to make his life easier. Just accept that he is entitled to not want to be friends, and stop trying to grovel to him.

^^ this

I do try and raise him knowing my hubby is not his daddy but with a younger sibling so close in age he does inevitably end up calling my hubby daddy. I really do try and make a big deal when his daddy comes to pick him up so he knows this is his real daddy.

I think maybe you're right, maybe be honest with ds to a certain extent at a young age is the way forward.

He definitely feeds and clothes our son. He is not a bad dad. I'll be the first to stop anyone say he is a bad dad, he was not right for me though. I'm pretty sure he doesn't slag me off either, i don't think hes that way tbh and ds has never mentioned anything.

Well has he ever offered maintenance? I think you have a valid reason not to pursue it, but assuming he hasn't even offered payment suggests his isn't interested in helping feed and clothe his child beyond EOW.

You say he does feed and clothe him?

How?

He offered to pay maintenance when he found out he was dad but i declined and we have never spoken of it again since. Its really not an issue. We are comfortable without any extra support and i don't want to financially cripple my boy's dad if can be avoided as i think that will only end up making things bad for our boy as he won't be able to afford to have his own place for ds to stay over or to do nice things with him.

I don't think that the ex is doing much wrong apart from not paying maintenance but the OP has already explained why he isn't which is fair enough.

He has his son EOW. So far so normal. If he's free in the week he can see his son if he wants to.

The OP isn't asking for maintenance at present because she feels he can't afford it, and it is better that he can afford a home to have his son stay in rather than taking him to McDonalds and softplay. Maybe down the road he can afford to start paying something that the OP could put aside for the child.

I think that the fact that he's civil is great and more shouldn't be expected but I don't see why the OP is getting such a bashing. She hasn't withheld access and she includes him in all appointments. She left him because their relationship wasn't right, not necessarily long term and the pregnancy wasn't planned.
What is she doing that's so wrong?

He sends ds home with different clothes that he has obviously brought and ds never comes home hungry. Please don't try to make out he is a bad dad because he is not.

Children tend to need feeding more often than EOW.

OP for whatever reason, you seem to want to please this guy. There have been some absolutely vile responses to you on this thread. You don't have to beat yourself up about what's happened. Nor do you have to play happy families with this guy who is still bitter and immature.

Lello are you on glue? You seem to want this guy to be a dickhead.

OP has done nothing wrong. Some posters just decided to be shitty and others piled on.

The op doesnt want to please this man. She wants to be forgiven. She cant force that.

Op personally i thibk he should be paying. But if you prefer it that way. Its up to you.

He is manipulative to be nive in front of others. Thats fairly normal.

If your dh left you and met someone else in 6 weeks. Then took your dd to live with him and his new girlfriend. And yoi got every other weekend for with your dd and occasionally mid week. Would you want to spend time at their house, in their company? Spend time around his girlfriend? Attend birthday parties for dd with them?

Sorry, I just had to jump to the end here because I am appalled at all the judgemental people criticising OP from having split up with the father of the baby when she was pregnant. I don't understand why?

I split up with my dd's father before I knew I was pregant and didn't get back together with him despite him wanting us to, does that make me a horrible person? Are we supposed to stay in unhappy relationships now when there are children involved?

OP would your ex agree to family counselling of some kind? It's essential that you can both talk this through and put it behind you for the sake of your son.

He may come round in time op, he may not.

But you can be sure you've done everything you can to ease the way.

As your son grows, and asks questions, answer them honestly, if your ex hasn't slagged you off so far, he probably won't.

Try not to worry.

Yes you were Atenco. You should also have lost the right to decide who was at the birth and visited you in hospital, as well as sit around twiddling your thumbs with no support for 5 days so that Dad could be the first to cast eyes on the baby (despite the baby apparently not being a possession).

I don't actually think this guy has done much wrong. But some of the replies to the OP are fucking awful.

I genuinely don't think you've done anything wrong. It was an unplanned pregnancy, and you weren't in a long-term relationship.

Your only mistake is expecting to be friends with him - clearly he doesn't want that, so try to accept that rather than worrying about it.

I think civil is good - I have friends and family that have civil not being achieved.

I don't think he'll ever want to be your friend though OP - things might get friendlier with the years equally they might not.

I would like to think we can get things together for our two families to get together for joint birthdays and stuff. I know its a long shot though.

I think this is an aspiration too far - you do different things for his birthdays that will be his normal - and they'll be many in his class at school with that normal.

I think accepting the situation you have - though maintenance may well be an issue in future that need revisiting as children do get more expensive as they get older - would be best.

I would leave things as they are.

You just need to accept he feels the way he does and try and keep things amicable