Will my ex and father of my first born ever forgive me or at least want to be friends?

[jodiemumtodavid]

My first born child is now 4. Me and his father met off pof and were very careless and i fell pregnant. We were totally not right for each other so I called things off with him when i was 5 months pregnant. Please don't judge me but I got back with my childhood sweetheart whilst i was pregnant. Things as you can imagine were very tense for the rest of the pregnancy and when baby arrived. We let him see his son every other weekend and i always let him take him during the week when he wants to take time off work and asks for his boy. We have never asked for any maintenance money from him. We don't argue but he is so cold with me. I try and be nice to him when he picks up ds but he barely says a word to me. Me and my now husband also now have a daughter together so my hubby deffo does not tread too much on the daddy role to my boy. He refuses to be in the same room as my husband. I really feel sad that my boy is going to pick up soon that his dad hates his mum, and also things like birthday parties i just can't see him or his family ever wanting to do a joint celebration.

Please tell me your new husband wasn't at the birth

So your husband got to play daddy when his son was born and he didn't even get to see his own baby until he was a few days old. How can you wonder why he is so hurt and angry?

I swear to God that we never had an affair when i was pregnant but we got back together 6 weeks after i split from my ex. I know its bad but its history i cannot change. My ex wouldn't come to our house so we had to wait for my parents house to be free at the weekend hence why he didn't meet child till he was 5 days old.

Your contact schedule was fine for a newborn OP. You built it up sensibly for the baby to have more time away from you gradually. It is unrealistic to think that an ex who won't even speak to you is going to be one of the first to see the baby. Mother and baby come as a pair at that point and their comfort takes priority. The fact that OP sent her newborn off to meet his Dad at only a few days old suggests that she isn't trying to be obstructive or frustrate contact.

OP ignore the F4J spokespeople on this thread. Shame they aren't interested in the fact that this guy has as much contact with his son as he wants. And doesn't actually provide any financial support. It's the good old pick and mix approach to parenting that many men enjoy.

He sounds like an immature fuckwit and you had a lucky escape when you ended the relationship. Don't beat yourself up.

This situation is all kinds of messed up. You seem to think his involvement with his son is optional for you and you're going above and beyond "letting him" spend time with him.

And he should be paying maintenance. That should not be optional. Nor should claiming it be influenced by your guilt about your poor behaviour.

You could have let him see his child in hospital. The midwives can arrange that - my friend did it when she had split with the father of her child.

Pathetic excuse.

I know i hurt him but its history i cannot change. 4 years have past i just would like to think things would get better. If he can be nice to me when we got to school and hospital appointments then why not all the time?

He definitely should be paying maintenance.

You should go to the CMS or whatever they're called now.

But in every other way you are totally out of order.

lello F4j? Do you know anyone here personally? If not, stop talking shit.

Op try to be honest with yourself. You dont nees to post it here, but really sit and put yourself in in his shoes. He probably sees this situation very differently from you.

Because he doesn't want to. Because you hurt him

Did your now husband see the baby before him?

Because he sounds like a player OP. He's under scrutiny by other people at school and hospital appointments etc. He's playing a game.

He is nice in front of people like doctors and teachers because he doent want to drag them into the mess. Thats fairly normal.

Oh my goodness OP - do you have the emotional intelligence of a teaspoon? You left him while pregnant to be with someone else. You and your new partner together then 'allow' him to see his son only a few days after the birth and once every two weeks. You then expect him to be all warm and affectionate towards you! Please tell me your new DP wasn't at the birth!

Usual suspects Saiman. Easy to spot

I don't think you've done anything wrong - you were careless (it happens) and you weren't right for each other, so you finished (nothing wrong in that).

I think for the sake of your child picking up on his childish behaviour (and remember children imprint themselves on us), perhaps you need to have a polite and tactful chat about it.

It should not be about him being hard done by - he needs to get over himself now and see the bigger picture on how this situation/atmosphere is so negative for a child.

You mention his family wouldn't consider doing joint birthdays etc - and he's obviously not fallen far from the tree. Again, it's not about them/him, it is about the your DS.

In my opinion his behaviour is frankly pathetic. You don't ask him for maintenance and he is still pissing all over you.

It's sad but he's not nice because he doesn't like you.

Does he have a partner now? Things may improve if he's happy in his personal life.

Alternatively tell him that you're concerned that your DS will pick up on the atmosphere and change please maintain the 'act' when your son is there.

He had to go to hospital appointments etc for the sake of the baby, he wasn't going to make it obvious that he didn't like you in public.

If he's able to look after his son properly when he has him I seriously don't know why you're even wandering or care why he doesn't give you a smile when he picks him up.

Yes my boyfriend met baby before my ex, i know its rubbish but its just the way it happened when i went into labour late night and needed to be taken to hospital. I cannot change that i know its rubbish.

Is there anyway i can ever make things up with him?

• can he, not change!

You really don't get it do you.

On answer to your last question.

No.

OP can have who she wants at the birth, she is the patient. She doesn't have to sacrifice her basic rights as penance for daring to break up with someone. She also sent her newborn away from her at only 5 days old to accomodate his wishes as he refused the opportunity to meet the baby sooner.

So you then bf/now dh was at the birth?

I dont think you getting with your ex was wrong. But you have to understand that this is all very painful for your ex.

It doesn't have to be your friend or speak to your dh. He has to be a parent to his son. He isnt horrible to you. He is civil.

You have to leave him be.

Yes - involve him more in your son's life and stop using language such as 'we let him see his son every other weekend' because your current bf doesn't get to make decisions about when your son can see his own father.