Will my ex and father of my first born ever forgive me or at least want to be friends?

[jodiemumtodavid]

My first born child is now 4. Me and his father met off pof and were very careless and i fell pregnant. We were totally not right for each other so I called things off with him when i was 5 months pregnant. Please don't judge me but I got back with my childhood sweetheart whilst i was pregnant. Things as you can imagine were very tense for the rest of the pregnancy and when baby arrived. We let him see his son every other weekend and i always let him take him during the week when he wants to take time off work and asks for his boy. We have never asked for any maintenance money from him. We don't argue but he is so cold with me. I try and be nice to him when he picks up ds but he barely says a word to me. Me and my now husband also now have a daughter together so my hubby deffo does not tread too much on the daddy role to my boy. He refuses to be in the same room as my husband. I really feel sad that my boy is going to pick up soon that his dad hates his mum, and also things like birthday parties i just can't see him or his family ever wanting to do a joint celebration.

We try to make a big thing with ds when his daddy comes to pick him up and get him all excited, and then ask him what stuff he did with his daddy when he returns. We try our best to really hit home to ds that my hubby and father of his sister is not his daddy.

Well if you can share school meetings and hospital appointments together it's not that bad and it's more than I can manage with my ex.

I'm not sure why you are getting such a hard time. Lots of women don't live with the father of their children and it sounds like under the circumstances it is working ie he is seeing his son regularly. I think civil is as much as some separated parents can wish for.

I agree he should be paying however and if you don't need the money then save it for your son.

He's never going to like you. Or the man who you ran off with to play happy family's. I don't get why you would expect him to?

You didn't want to make a family with your ex. You decided to split and got back with your previous partner.

That partner was then at the birth and saw the baby for days before his own father.

And now you want happy families and a pretend friendship so as to have a joint party and he has to be in the same room with your husband?

I wouldn't do that either. Lots of divorced people don't do joint parties. Your child won't be harmed by 2 parties.

Why does your ex have to be in the same room as your husband ?
I wouldn't do that either

stitch of course op can. Doesnt mean its not upsetting for him.

Nowhere has op said the baby was sent away from her to see her ex.

She said he wouldnt cone to her house and saw the baby at her parents

I was there at my parents house of course when he met baby for first time.

You're not exactly painting yourself in a very good light.
Is this a reverse ?

Ok i think i get it. I have messed things up beyond repair.

It might not be beyond repair.

Things may improve over time. But there is nothing you can do now. Leave him be and see what happens.

You don't NEED to make things up with him OP.

He needs to stop and consider the impact that his behaviour is having on his son. You are both adults. You are doing everything that needs to be done to provide a stable upbringing for your child. His father needs to get over being dumped and do the same. The fact that he can switch the decent behaviour on and off is a warning sign of a manipulator.

Stop beating yourself up. It is what it is. Hopefully he'll meet someone else soon and lose his desire to punish you for daring to walk away from him.

I don't know much about his personal life but i think he has had one or two girlfriends since we split but he's not in a relationship at the moment from what i can tell from my chats with ds.

You never really knew each other well when you got pregnant and then you hurt him and he saw the negative side of you. He doesn't want to be friends, he doesn't need to be friends, he just needs to be your son's dad.. Of course he puts on a nice front when you do parent's evenings etc, he doesn't want to create a scene or gossip in front of everyone (fair enough really). That's life. At least he's not fighting or arguing with you and sees his child.

You want the guy to forgive you so you feel better about the situation he does not need to do that you "allow" him access to his own child and he picks himup and drops him off and is civil to you what else do you expect or want from him ? Your son needs parents who love him and don't fight and argue which he has.

My mum and dad were never together once I was born. If they had pretended to get along so we could have a big party I would think it was pathetic.

Please stop thinking that your ex needs to like you. You're obviously still not with each other for a good enough reason. Go be happy and play happy families with your new husband.

You are doing nothing wrong OP. You are allowed to end a relationship, pregnant or not. He doesn't have to like you, just be civil and a good Dad to his son.

Bit funny though that the child isn't a possession for the OP to dictate contact with, but he 'belongs' enough to the ex that no one else is allowed to lay eyes on him when he is born before the ex, and OP can't decide who supports her during the birth.

I switch off and on decent behaviour towards my ex at parent meetings because that's the right thing to do for my child.

I do not be in the same room as him alone and I do not be in the same room as his current partner. I do not speak to him - if he speaks to me I answer as succinctly as possible and follow every conversation to do with arrangements for the kids up with a text so my ass is covered.

I'm 10 years divorced.

I suppose that makes me a manipulator too?

After the way you've acted, and the way you've treated the ex, it's no wonder he doesn't want to be your BFF. How you can't see that is stunning.

You let your boyfriend see the child before his own father did? Despicable. No one should've seen the baby until his father had. The nursing staff could've easily arranged that, but you clearly had no interest in doing the right thing.

You're lucky the ex is as civil as he is towards you. He's clearly a far better person than you'll ever be.

Why the fuck are you quizzing your child about whether his dad has a gf or not?

Sorry OP I misread and thought you sent him to your parents without you. He still could have met the baby sooner though, it was his choice not to visit your house. Were you supposed to spend the birth and first 5 days post partum without support to fit his schedule?

i'm not quizzing my child, its just through asking him what he got up to with his daddy and who else he saw like grandparents, cousins, etc. He used to mention one or two girls names who i presume were partners but now doesn't mention them.

Midwives could have supervised for him to see his son in hospital. My friend did that, as I said. Op obv didn't bother

Why are you quizzing him like that?

Did you have a nice time would be sufficient t, surely? That seems really weird to me - there's something about it unsettling me and I can't put my finger on it.

Oh Sunny you have the BIGGEST chip on your shoulder ever. Seriously. A five year possibly chatters to mummy about daddy's new friend and a trip to the park and the OP is accused of quizzing the child?
And if you admit to switching 'decent' behaviour towards the parent of your child on and off depending on whose watching you yep, manipulating and unnerving.

I invited him over to our house when baby was two days old but he said he didn't want to go to the house where my boyfriend lived so hence we had to wait till my parents place became available. We weren't gonna rock up in macdonalds or anywhere stupid like that.

Lello your view seems very strange to me. He's not punishing or manipulating, he just doesn't like her. It's allowed! We struggle with my husband's ex wife but have always put on a nice front in front of my stepson (as does she). We've smiled through various prize givings etc and made small talk, and will smile through his graduation and wedding, but we've no desire to socialise with her and have done seperate parties when he was younger. He's grown up quite happy, although knows his mum and dad don't get on (has witnessed her screaming fits at his dad when she doesn't get her way, and had a few directed at him, so understands why).