Absolutley broken

[Nixs186]

I have lurked but never posted before. I never thought I would need to post.

I found out yesterday that my DP has been with someone else. He works with her they've been sleeping together at her flat. I found messages, through snooping, to my eternal shame, after thinking something wasn't right. He tried to deny it but I had the proof. He then admitted it and left for work to see her where he has decide to leave me for her. We have a DD who is nearly 2.
I realised yesterday in all the confusion that my period is late, we had been trying so I took a test and it confirmed I am pregnant. I'm in shock at everything. The house is in his name so me and DD have had to move in with my parents with all our stuff.
I really don't know what to do. He knows about the pregnancy but doesn't seem to care. I have family telling me to terminate but I look at my daughter and I feel so sick at the thought of it. Please hold my hand

Im so sorry, thats a horrible situation to be in

Are you married? It hurts but go see a solicitor ASAP.

It might not seem like it now but you will find your way through this.
You are well rid of him xxxx

I am so sorry you are in this position. Been where you are now 20 years ago. I had the baby who is 19 next week and he is wonderful. It was hard as the x has never been involved. No presents, cards, no acknowledgment at all. My daughter was four at the time and is now an adult. I had to move to my parents too when our world came crumbling down. You can message me if you want. Lots of hugs

Sorry you're in such an awful situation. Sounds hellish. Can you let friends support you? Talking through options is probably going to be helpful

I think if you've only just found out about your pregnancy it will be easier to make a decision now if you decide to terminate. I don't think I'd go ahead with a baby in your situation - he sounds as though he's completely detached from you. What an awful situation for you.

No we're not married. We were engaged but I guess that wouldn't mean anything to a solicitor.
I can't believe I'm back in the bedroom I grew up in at the age of 30 with my daughter in the room next door.
I really can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.

user how did you get through it? How is life for you now?
I have no friends. Social anxiety ruined that but I was ok to just have work mates and my life at home. I realise how silly that sounds now.
I feel like my whole world has just exploded it hurts so much. I can't eat I just feel sick.

Nix

I could have written your post word for word 8 years ago. Our daughter was 2 then. I found out I was pregnant a week after my husband left. Like you I was completely on the floor.
I went to the doctor's to book a termination. I wasn't thinking straight and was already struggling with our 2 year old as it was and I just didn't think I could do it.
The GP suggested I go away and think about it just so I could be sure. I remember feeling annoyed as my mind was already made up.
In brief I changed my mind.. talking with a really good friend made me see that I did have options. I have her and the GP to thank for that.
My son turns 7 on Monday and I can't tell you how glad I am. The 2 DCs together are great .. I mean they fight but they are lucky to have each other , he brings so much joy into my life and I have never once regretted it.

It's very hard but if I can do it then anyone can. We don't have loads of money etc but I have no regrets.

For what it's worth my ex has gone on to build up an amazing relationship with my DS ( and DD obviously) .. they have never lived together but you would never know if and they are really close.

Good luck and do PM me if you want to x

You are young OP, only 30, big exciting world out there for you, cherish your family right now and look forward, there's better times to come for you.

Just remember what an utter bastard he is, and do not make life easy for him either esp when it comes to him seeing his own child, do not facilitate and do not engage, be civil, that's it.

He sounds a right arse.

I was 8 weeks in with the pregnancy and it was not easy at all as loved him and the life we had had. But with my families support, I got through it. It was not easy, it was sad giving birth without a partner, but my mum was there and it made us closer as a family. They love my children and as my son got older and asked for his daddy, I told him some daddies are ready, other are not, and I made sure he never went without love, and care. His dad has never asked for him but has since then had three other children with the ow. Of course I am hurt, but I also gained strength and I was more than capable to look after both children. But it was hard work. I still don't get how men can treat others, especially their own children,like crap. You need to take the best decision that suits you.

So sorry you're going through this.

I won't lie. It's going to be really difficult. But you will get through. I promise you.

My DS is four now. And I've never regretted having him for a second.

Congratulations on your pregnancy.

What a nasty, nasty bastard

Nix I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please do what's right for you and your dd - you know in your heart of hearts what you want

OP my heart breaks for you!! Such a nasty piece of work he is!! How can he be trying for a baby with you knowing he had this dirty little secret!

Don't have a termination if it's not what YOU
want!! Put yourself and your DD first. Don't be pressured into anything by anyone, and if he wants nothing to do with the baby then he's the one losing out on such a precious thing.

I understand you're going through such a hard time, stay strong for your DC.

Hand hold for you

Sorry for the delay in replying. So sad that there are other men who have done this. I loved my life I don't know what happened. He's so cold and hurtful.
I've just had his mother here with him while my parents were out. She wants to pick DD up on Sunday and let him have her all day then bring her back before bed time. I agreed but I'm not ready for that. I know it's unreasonable and she's his daughter too but I just want her close to me. I'm so worried he'll take her to meet the other woman. I really don't want him to have her just yet.

Why did I just agree? So annoyed with myself. I hate what this has done to me. I'm so low. How do you get yourself back from this?

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

My ex left when DS was 18 months. I remember feeling the same as you when he took him for the day. I asked him not to introduce the OW. He said that he didn't but I couldn't know for sure. After a few weeks I accepted that I couldn't control what he did when he had DS, so she did meet him. It's hard but ultimately it's a separate relationship - father/child -
and needs to be separate to all the pain and mess caused by his betrayal.

This is all so new and raw for you but if you can, take the opportunity for a day to rest and look after yourself or talk to family. X

He's just confirmed he wants a termination. Apparently he's not 'built' to be a parent and has realised after having our daughter. I need to stop messaging him. It just hurts more every time.

OP that is NOT his choice. It is yours and yours only. How dare he think he can lord it over you. How very dare he!

Take your time and make the decision that is right for you and DD. This pathetic specimen is not your friend and as painful and raw as it is you need to find your anger. In time you will come to realise you had a lucky escape. I don't envy him having it on his conscience that he wanted to terminate a baby he was only too happy to create. Awful man .

My heart goes out to you OP. Lean on your family and MN and know that this too shall pass

I thought I knew him but knowing what I know now I doubt he'll care. His conscience will be clear. Mine however, won't be. Either way I'll always wonder what if. I want to hate him but I don't. Maybe that will come later. I'm so confused and tired but sleep hasn't happened since i found out. Why has he done this to us?

Too much going on at the moment OP. Like tinydancer said this is 100% your decision for yourself and your DD. Do not allow this man to bully or demand anything how dare he. The stupid dickhead lost that right when he followed his dick hook line and sinker. Let him and OW get the fuck on with it. She's welcome to 'Mr I'm not built to be a parent now I found another pussy to fuck. The funny thing is he's already involving his mum so he can shirk the difficult shit to her just wonder how hands on he was with DD that day or will be in the future. I can see him getting nasty men like this dont want to look like the bad guy (even though he is) so will deflect their shame on to the ex and tell anyone who will listen they are so bad blah blah. Ingore all his bullshit I would break all communication with him he is no longer your partner or even friend treat him as such you cannot reason with tossers like him and he has made clear he's checked out. Raise your head high and dust yourself off don't play the pick me dance. That's exactly what selfish assholes like him want. Make this break up clean cut from your end show him you do not want him, need him or value his input in your life.

Me personally I would consider speaking to the Gp regarding this pregnancy for emotional support as well as psyical. It would be very hard to make a decision about this pregnancy without considering my mental health first. It is a hard decision and you need to give yourself time to process it all first without any of shitwits Input.

As for his relationship with Dd you cannot control what he does with her Or who she sees (even though it burns after how he's behaved). You need to formulate a plan for contact and child support possible benefits and separating your things from the shared home. 'Built' to be a father or not he has to responsible for one child potentially two his actions don't allow him to call the shots and getting his mum involved to hold his hand and demand contact on their terms (prick). Many men like this fight for access then can't cope and it all falls by the way side it's like a game to some men hope it doesn't happen just a warning. Be strong seek support where you can try having small meals and snacks get your strength up and sleep well walk and get fresh air help you think clearer. Don't hide away you have done nothing wrong you have nothing to feel guilty or shame of you will come out of this and feel rebuilt like a Phoenix from the ashes of course it takes time but Take steps in a free from shit direction. Take time for you and DD and move forward and leave the rubbish outside

Well said mummamarnis* OP talk to your Dr or health visitor. The decision is yours. No-one else's. What's right for you is the right decision. And yes, make sure this excuse for a father pays for HIS child.

I have a doctors appointment tomorrow. I'm not sure why I booked it but I did earlier today. mummamarnis I have taken what you've said on board it's just so much to take in right now.
I will be contacting all benefit places and csa (or whatever it is called now) first thing tomorrow. I keep going between wanting rid of him completely and wanting answers to everything. I feel so desperately sad right now.

As others have said, your scumbag ex has no say whatsoever on whether you keep your baby, a baby he planned with YOU!!! He was having unprotected sex with you with the intention of getting you pregnant, so he doesn't get a say or to demand that you have a termination!

It sounds like despite your awful situation, this is a baby that was very much wanted! If you want your baby then you can more than do this! You don't need the sperm donor! You have all the love that you need to get you through your pregnancy and to raise your babies. Don't let him leave you with regrets that will last a life time. I am a big believer in things happen for a reason, this little one could be the shining light that brings you and your daughter through this dark time. A positive in this negative period of your life!

Please get your family to help you pack up your things from his house, you are entitled to have your things and your daughters toys and clothing etc! If he was any sort of man, he wouldn't have thrown you out on the street! What a selfish, nasty excuse for a human being! You are the lucky one here! Pity his awful OW, she has a consolation prize! A nasty, cheating scum bag, who has affairs whilst trying for a baby with his partner! Then throws his pregnant partner and their toddler out on the street, so he can shack up with his morally corrupt OW! In fact they deserve each other! I hate saying this, but ask your g.p about possible sti tests, he is an awful person to put you through this!

You have a bright future ahead of you, you have your beautiful daughter who will never need to worry about you deciding 'you are not cut out for parenting'. You have your family, your dignity and your strength! Your little girl is lucky to have you as her Mummy! If you need time to be just with your daughter, then cancel Sunday! You have had a shock and you don't need to be apart from your little girl if you are not ready! They don't get to call the shots! Block him on your phone and social media and tell him you will discuss access over email only! When you have had a chance to process things, then you email with your terms! You are allowed to take time to think and process what has happened! Don't be agreeing to any contact arrangements until you are ready!!

OP stop, stop stop stop.

Tell him, you need a couple of weeks to yourself before even thinking about visitation etc. End of. He will cope, his mum will cope, your daughter will cope.

Please don't terminate yet, even if you decide to eventually, wait until your head is a bit more clear. You need to be in a better mind set and feeling better before going through with this.

It's been 24-48 hours since your entire world has been thrown. Please take some time to just process this.

There is nothing wrong with not having lots of friends and enjoying your family life. There's nothing wrong with being back with your parents, in fact, it's great you and your daughter are with your parents. No better place to be. Please just take some time for you.