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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absolutley broken

199 replies

Nixs186 · 22/06/2017 17:24

I have lurked but never posted before. I never thought I would need to post.

I found out yesterday that my DP has been with someone else. He works with her they've been sleeping together at her flat. I found messages, through snooping, to my eternal shame, after thinking something wasn't right. He tried to deny it but I had the proof. He then admitted it and left for work to see her where he has decide to leave me for her. We have a DD who is nearly 2.
I realised yesterday in all the confusion that my period is late, we had been trying so I took a test and it confirmed I am pregnant. I'm in shock at everything. The house is in his name so me and DD have had to move in with my parents with all our stuff.
I really don't know what to do. He knows about the pregnancy but doesn't seem to care. I have family telling me to terminate but I look at my daughter and I feel so sick at the thought of it. Please hold my hand

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 13:57

I called the samaritans. They gave me some numbers to call like shelter and citizens advice. It's just so much to take in. They also gave me information about people abused in childhood. When I mentioned what my mother said he asked a few more questions and he thinks she may have been emotionally abusive. He said it's a subtle thing but that may have something to do with my anxiety. I feel a fraud ringing them because I feel like child abuse is a really bad thing and her talking me out of going anywhere or doing anything was just part of normal teenage years. I feel completely floored. How has what he did to me and our daughter triggered all of this? I'm so low. I know i keep saying it but I can't help how I feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 14:22

My mother has been back and apologised but she's not changing her mind on it. She thinks it should be taken care of straight away. I can't wrap my head around it. It's all too much. I don't know if I'll ever forget what she has said. My biggest worry on Tuesday was if I was going to get out of work on time because I had a lot of stuff to do. Wednesday morning came and I feel like I've been hit by a bus. I can't see a way out of it right now.

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 23/06/2017 14:26

Its not right for her to treat you in this way. Its your choice about the baby. You need to live with this decision either way. It is not about her! Regardless of how she feels and what she wants for you it is totally wrong for her to hold you to ransom in this way. Does she not see she could lose you through this? If you agree to it, you could forever resent her for it. Is that what she wants. I would honestly talk to her once she is calm.

neveradullmoment99 · 23/06/2017 14:28

She could lose you and the baby you are carrying and her granddaughter. At the end of the day, bare in mind she may say she will never love it, but that will not be true. Whether you let her love it will be a different story after the way she has treated you.

Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 14:34

I will try when she's calm. She keeps banging on about how she felt when my dad did this to her. She divorced my dad which is fair enough but I think it's always been a bit of a stick to beat me with. She's now saying how she felt but I just want her to listen to how I feel. I told her I phoned the samaritans and it didn't even register. She just talks over the top of me and shouts me down. She gets my stepdad to back her up and he does for a quiet life which I can't blame him. Think he's a little bit scared of her to be honest. I feel 17 again. Frightened to say anything. I don't think she realises I'm an adult and I can't stand up to her because I don't know how. You don't mess with my mother.
Wish that stupid twat could see what he's done. I would never have thought about any of this if he had just left our life the way it was.

OP posts:
putthehamsterbackinitscage · 23/06/2017 14:44

So sorry you're going through this ... he is a heartless bastard and your own DM needs a kick up the arse for treating you like this

I suggest you:

1 book another gp appointment with a different Dr and ask for help with not just the pregnancy but also with sleep and the anxiety this is causing you - consider asking to be signed off work to give you breathing space to sort out accommodation and get counselling about the pregnancy

2 as per post above, declare yourself homeless and seek emergency housing for you and DD

3 contact CMS about maintenance - they will suggest you should try a family based arrangement but if you tell them he has thrown you out and is threatening/shydive they will let you go straight to a formal arrangement where they collect money and charge him for doing so

4 check your entitlement yo tax credits and other benefits

5 Access - as DD is very young, when you do agree to visits keep them short - 2 hours is long enough to begin with

6 Do something nice for yourself everyday - a bar of chocolate, go for a walk, anything you enjoy ...

Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 15:00

I'm going to phone tax credits now. I will have to get maintanance through the official channel because he's quite bad with money and I know it'll be a matter of time before he asks if he can miss a few payments because he needs money for this or that.
I've just had is mother on the phone about access. She's not happy that I've cancelled Sunday but they wanted her all day, well from 11 til 6 which I couldn't do. I even suggested I go with him but he doesn't want to be alone with me. I was willing to put it aside for our daughter but I can't give anymore.

OP posts:
SleepyHay · 23/06/2017 16:09

OP so sorry you're going through this. Also the way your mother is treating you is disgusting.

Please keep posting, you may not feel you have anyone to talk to IRL but everyone on this thread will support you.

I wouldn't make any decisions about the pregnancy just yet. Getting away from your mother is probably a good idea if you can, she sounds vile. As pp have said try to get emergency housing for you and your DD. I would also go back to the GP and get some counselling. I know it seems like there is no way through this but you will find a way and hopefully you will come out of it stronger Flowers

Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 16:20

I spoke to my boss again and she said what everyone else has said. She said it's my decision and he's an utter bastard. I didn't say anything about my mother because I'm embarrassed about that. I just need someone to talk to IRL. It's so upsetting. I wish he at least cared about our daughter but he clearly doesn't. Part of me thinks why should I let him have any say on this pregnancy but then I know he has to have some say. I'm so torn and hurt. I can't see straight.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 23/06/2017 16:34

Have you tried writing it all out in a stream of consciousness style? I find that helps sometimes when I dont have a real person to talk to, i can write out a huge jumble of everything and then read it back.

Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 16:39

I'll try that but at the moment I just want it out of my head and not have to read it back. But I guess that would be me not facing up to it, when in reality I am facing up to it he isn't. I won't be able to ring the doctors until Monday now. I really need to sort some counselling out. I just don't know where to start. Wish I had an admin person.

OP posts:
StormTreader · 23/06/2017 16:40

Its totally fine to not read it back right away, its there if and when you feel ready to - you could just write it all out and burn it if you wanted! Its to help you at the end of the day.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 23/06/2017 16:42

If you don't want to continue the pregnancy then that's one thing.

But if you terminate because your mother is telling you to and making you feel guilty then that's quite another. She can't do that! Don't let her!

And yes a father's view is important. But he was trying for a baby with you! Whilst shagging around! He really has lost all rights to an opinion in these circumstances.

Check out what you're entitled to financially and then see how quickly you can get somewhere else to live. That might help you to get your head straight.

Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 16:48

I may do the writing down and ripping up or burning. It might be cathartic.
I know I need to sort myself something out. I'll try on Monday to get sorted. I've sorted tax credits and I have until 8 tonight to ring the child maintenance people.
Wish his mother would piss off. Every time I message him back about something he texts her and she's on my case. I'm bloody sick of it.

OP posts:
Elllicam · 23/06/2017 16:54

I'm so sorry you are having such a horrible time. Your ex and mother are being awful. I'm in central Scotland if that's any good? Feel free to pm if you need to talk Flowers

Underthemoonlight · 23/06/2017 16:55

OP I've pm you

IonaNE · 23/06/2017 17:00

The 2 DCs together are great (.. ) they are lucky to have each other
This^
Congratulations on your new baby, OP. Flowers

IonaNE · 23/06/2017 17:12

Also well done for sorting tax credit. If you are in the NE, there willbe council accommodation (speaking from experience) - apply now, you can live separately from your mother.

Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 17:20

Thank you. For all your advice. Is it different for other parts of the north east? I tried earlier but couldn't get through. This may be outing but I'm in Co Durham they seemed to be struggling for housing last time I heard. Hope that it's not true and I can get sorted soon.
Still no word from him. He really doesn't care does he?

OP posts:
LadySadie1 · 23/06/2017 17:44

Hi Nixs186,I'm also in Co Durham,if you get a letter from a doctor saying that living where you are will have a detrimental effect on your health which as you've explained it will and take it to the council with you,then that and the situation you're in at the moment will push you to the top of the housing list,you shouldn't wait that long to be housed,I know someone that was housed this way in this area,I hope this helps xx

Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 20:36

My worry is that I won't be housed in a decent area but that's the risk I guess I'll have to take. Hopefully I will be able to get something sorted soon. I'll go back to the doctors next week. The samaritans said I needed to sort counselling so that's what I'll do. Hopefully I'll get a letter then.

OP posts:
Neutrogena · 23/06/2017 21:19

It's a risk OP, yes, but a risk many believe you should take. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 21:32

I know. I appreciate that. Still think I'm in shock and worried about the future. Thank you for your good luck wishes. It really is appreciated.

OP posts:
annielouise · 23/06/2017 21:43

Nixs - you're right in the eye of the storm at the moment, dealing with your ex, your mother and with a decision to make. But I just wanted to say, it won't always be like this. Your future will be happy. Whether you have this baby or not there will be a point in the future where you're playing with both of them on your own and you'll be having fun and will be happy. And it won't be as long as you think. He doesn't deserve you. One day he'll realise what he's lost. He's selfish and immature and doesn't realise it. Some men can't get on board with babies. My ex was the same. So different as they became an interesting little person in their own right. Suddenly they want them around and show off as if they've made them this way, when they haven't. You'll have done that job as the steady and consistent parent in their lives. I promise you in the future you won't care. You'll think you've had a lucky escape. Right now though it's the storm and you have to make your own way through that. It will pass though.

WaitrosePigeon · 23/06/2017 21:50

How are you this evening Nix? Bridget Jones's Baby is on Sky movies. It's really funny SmileBrew

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