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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Absolutley broken

199 replies

Nixs186 · 22/06/2017 17:24

I have lurked but never posted before. I never thought I would need to post.

I found out yesterday that my DP has been with someone else. He works with her they've been sleeping together at her flat. I found messages, through snooping, to my eternal shame, after thinking something wasn't right. He tried to deny it but I had the proof. He then admitted it and left for work to see her where he has decide to leave me for her. We have a DD who is nearly 2.
I realised yesterday in all the confusion that my period is late, we had been trying so I took a test and it confirmed I am pregnant. I'm in shock at everything. The house is in his name so me and DD have had to move in with my parents with all our stuff.
I really don't know what to do. He knows about the pregnancy but doesn't seem to care. I have family telling me to terminate but I look at my daughter and I feel so sick at the thought of it. Please hold my hand

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 02:32

I know everything you're saying is right I'm just in shock. We have most stuff but I've had to leave quite a bit. He'll probably sell it or leave it when he moves out. The house is rented but in his name only. Stupid of me I know but I trusted him.
I wanted to get checked for any sti's but I'm embarrassed. I will though. Hopefully he has been careful but he wasn't with me so who knows.
I don't know what to do. I want sleep but can only manage bits at a time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 02:36

I didn't know I could stop him seeing her for a while. I thought I had to. He did say I was lucky he wasn't fighting for full custody but I don't think he would do that. Like he said he can't cope witty her and isn't 'built' to be a parent. He just wants video games and a relaxing time when he finishes work. Other woman provides this and more apparently.

My head is buzzing. Getting a blinding headache.

OP posts:
Classybird36 · 23/06/2017 02:38

OP you're not alone - we're all here, all real people behind our online personas... You are an amazing mum, you WILL get through this - give yourself time and let your parents look after you. Now try to get some sleep! Xxxx

becausebecausebecause · 23/06/2017 02:56

Bless you darling. I promise you that in the future you will look back and thank god he is no longer in your life but I know that doesn't help the hurt and pain right now. I echo other's, don't rush to a decision about the baby just because of his actions. You need to have some time to think and be calm.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 23/06/2017 02:58

What an asshole! He has had all this planned hasn't he!! Firstly he will NEVER be given full custody, even if he tried to fight for it! Which he won't do! He has said it himself that he can't cope! As for his Mother, she has no rights to see her grandchild! So if he disappears which it sounds he might do, she has no right to tell you when she will have your dd! Your daughter is still little, so you are well within your rights to insist that he visit your dd at your Mums, with one of your parents supervising. If you need to you can take your daughter and go away for a couple of weeks to visit a friend in another City/ have a break in the country and tell him you will be in contact to discuss visitation when you get back! I can't believe how cold your MIL and ex are! Your world has just been turned upside down, he is to blame for that so he can be patient and wait until YOU are ready to organise visitation! I would be saying 'Sunday is no longer good for me, I will be in contact when I am ready, to arrange contact. Until then all communication should be through email '

Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 04:32

I had a little bit of sleep but still feel the same. I think I will try to keep all communication via email rather than messages.
I know I'll be seen as the bad guy but I really can't let Sunday happen. She barely knows his mother and is a bit wary of her. I don't think she'd be happy going off with her. I just don't know what to do. This pregnancy is going to be so difficult if I go through with it and after birth as well. I'm prepared for that though. Just wish I could have support from someone. Everyone wants me to terminate I have no one saying to stop and think about it. It's so painful.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 23/06/2017 05:14

What an arsehole not to mention a coward! He told you you're lucky he isn't fighting for full custody, wants you to abort and arrives with his mother in tow.

People on here will support you. You don't need to abort if you don't want to. Perhaps going to the GP appointment is a good thing, you can discuss the pressure you're under from everyone and maybe they can give you some support.

Seth · 23/06/2017 05:38

Where are you staying / living Nix You are right.. someone who could offer you some real life to support you would be really useful. Just wondered if any of us lived nearby and could meet with you.

Neutrogena · 23/06/2017 05:52

A horrible and difficult situation.
It's ultimately your decision but if you have the baby you'll likely be a single mum. He doesn't sound like he'd want anything to do with it. A new infant will complicate things further. If it were me I would have a termination pronto.
Your child and your own welfare is paramount here. Take care.

neveradullmoment99 · 23/06/2017 06:16

Dont be swayed by what he wants. Have your baby, dont have it but make sure it is YOUR choice.
As for him seeing your dd..well no bloody way. He said it himself. ' He isnt built to be a parent.' so in that case he need have only the contact you feel right with.
He sounds like a completely selfish arsehole. A man child who clearly hasn't grown up.
You may not realise it now, but you are better off without him.
Goodluck.

Angeldt · 23/06/2017 06:16

You have to do what is right for you and your child. If your pregnancy is still in its very early stages and your think that going ahead with it is the right thing to do and you are strong enough to cope then it's your body - your choice. Don't be pushed by him to make a decision but there again because this is a big shock to you ( his infidelity ) don't turn this pregnancy into a revenge baby as that's not fair on anyone least of all you. Try to see your life in a year,5 years etc . Your parents seem very supportive btw.

neveradullmoment99 · 23/06/2017 06:17

Oh and relish the fact you actually have your family who can be there for you :)

Bananamanfan · 23/06/2017 06:31

Make sure you are in control of the situation, Nix. It sounds like you have several people around you that think you can be bullied. Find your anger at exp & mil. They do not get any input in any decisions you are making at the moment.

Neutrogena · 23/06/2017 06:41

If the unborn baby is the partners, of course he should have a say. The final say resides with the OP of course, but the father if the baby does have a say

annfield62 · 23/06/2017 06:41

Please seek support from your GP who may be able to refer you to other agency's for counciling. A similar thing happened to me although I wasn't pregnant. It devastated me and I ended up really ill. I then got angry that someone could treat me so badly. I wouldn't of treated my worst enemy the way he treated me. When he gets fed up with this OW he will treat her just as badly. I always tell my single friends that when they meet someone new to listen to what he says about his ex and look at how he treats her and his children because in a few years time that could be you. I had a child when I met my ex but couldn't have any more. He knew this before he married me. I had IVF but kept miss carrying. My ex had 2 children with the OW. He is not with her now and doesn't see much of the children from what I hear. He has now moved on to someone else. I now know what a lucky escape I had but I felt like my world had ended at the time and spent time in hospital. I have a great job. A house I own in a nice area, a nice car and great holidays. All accomplished after he left and I got well. I have a few close friends who told me I was his back bone and he'd be nothing without me. I thought they were trying to make me feel better but they were right as he has nothing. He lost his business and now works for someone else and has no home of his own. Nothing to do with me so I assume the OW took everything including the large amount of money I paid him for his share of our house as I wanted to stay there and he couldn't afford to buy me out. I worked 3 jobs at the time in order to be able to get a mortgage as I was determined that SHE wasn't having my home. Life is like a wheel and your at the bottom at the moment but it keeps turning and you will be at the top again. I'm sending you all my strength and love and I'm willing you on to get strong and make the right decision for YOU and yours. As for your ex, well what goes around comes around xxxxxxxx

user1486956786 · 23/06/2017 06:42

Just message him and his mum and say given what's literally just happened you need a couple of weeks to yourself and Sunday is off. Your daughter needs some time to adjust also. In 2 weeks you will be willing to discuss some visitation plans then.

hesterton · 23/06/2017 06:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 06:56

Neutrogena that's what he said. I know you're right but at the moment it all hurts too much to sit and talk about it. I will at some point over the next couple of weeks.
I feel so down about everything. I'm feeling a lot worse today. I really don't know what I'll do.
I'm in the north east so don't think there would be anyone to meet up with.
I'm so down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 07:00

If I were to go ahead with the pregnancy I know I'd lose some support from my family. They really don't want me to. I'm worried for that too. It wouldn't be a revenge baby. I couldn't do that to myself or anyone else no matter how much it hurts. It wouldn't be fair once the pregnancy progresses and baby is here.

OP posts:
Deathraystare · 23/06/2017 07:32

If he wants a termination tell HIM to have one. Tell him you are thinking of having something terminated (look at him meaningfully).

I know it is early days but really, a manchild who at first agreed to try for a baby and now 'not built for having children', imagine how trying it would be for him in the future as he would be 'not built' for various other things that are too much effort and too much involvement. Life would be such a trial for him.....

Don't worry about your family, I am sure if you decide to keep the baby that they will rally round. His opinion does not count because he is not a real man. It is entirely your decision.

Bananamanfan · 23/06/2017 07:34

Don't let your family pressure you. Tell everyone that you are not in a position to make any decisions at the moment. My exh decided after i was actually pregnant that he didn't want another child & i had an abortion that was very much against my wishes. I thought i was fine for a few years, but then had several years (after i separated from exh) where whenever i was doing something lovely with my son, i could feel the child that hadn't been born there too.
I often wonder whether it would have helped ds1 to have a sibling to go through the separation, visits to dad, becoming a step child, then the birth of much younger siblings etc. He is his dad's only child, so has no one to process that relationship with or share the burden with later.

Neutrogena · 23/06/2017 07:45

Hesterton - the father of a child of course has a say, but the DECISION is with the mother. Mothers don't OWN children, though they of course are usually the primary caregivers, and thus have the final say.

Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 07:45

I wish I had someone to talk to in real life apart from my family. I might see if I can find someone to ring. Even over the phone would be better than nothing.
I looked at the bpas website but that just deals with abortion counselling from what I've seen. I need to talk about everything not just the pregnancy. I'm rambling now.
I just don't know what to do. I can't even get out of bed. My mother had to get up with DD. I'm such a mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nixs186 · 23/06/2017 08:03

I'm so broken. It hurts so much. I can't see how this will end.

OP posts:
user1486956786 · 23/06/2017 08:16

It's ok to feel like this. Let your mum look after you both.

Ramble away to us if you need to.