Absolutley broken

[Nixs186]

I have lurked but never posted before. I never thought I would need to post.

I found out yesterday that my DP has been with someone else. He works with her they've been sleeping together at her flat. I found messages, through snooping, to my eternal shame, after thinking something wasn't right. He tried to deny it but I had the proof. He then admitted it and left for work to see her where he has decide to leave me for her. We have a DD who is nearly 2.
I realised yesterday in all the confusion that my period is late, we had been trying so I took a test and it confirmed I am pregnant. I'm in shock at everything. The house is in his name so me and DD have had to move in with my parents with all our stuff.
I really don't know what to do. He knows about the pregnancy but doesn't seem to care. I have family telling me to terminate but I look at my daughter and I feel so sick at the thought of it. Please hold my hand

I just wanted to do a little update. I have been discharged by the crisis team and have been referred to mind for counselling. My daughters health visitor knows the situation because the crisis team informed her which they said they would. I'm just terrified she'll get social services involved but she seems happy with things at the moment.
As for me, I'm still feeling the same. I really can't see any light at the end of the tunnel. It's all so painful and upsetting. I hate the idea of them together. Evenings and weekends are the worst. I've managed to eat little bits and bobs throughout the days but still nothing much. I just can't see a way out of this.
I'm still pregnant and still under a lot of pressure to terminate. Had an appointment today for termination but I cried throughout and they said they don't think I'm ready to make a decision just yet. I'm only 6 weeks so found out fairly soon which proves he was sleeping with us both at the same time. I feel sick at the thought of that but I have to put it out of my head. It's at the bottom of a long mental list.
I'm still at my mothers. She has calmed down, she still has her moments, but not as bad as she was.
I just feel so numb. The dreams I have about him are the worst because I wake up and it hits me all over again. Someone said to me that no one has died but I can't help how I feel.
Sorry for the ramble. Just nothing much has changed really.

Hang in there honey. I know you won't believe any of us at the moment but you will get through this

My heart goes out to you Nix

I've had dark dark times, I know what you mean about everything being black. Try to hold on, it will pass - it doesn't feel like it now but it will.

I'm wondering if you can call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. Lines are busy during the day so try to call at night - or call your local Women's Aid office. Do leave a message with your contact details if you can't get through immediately, they will get back to you.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Try to hold on, be extra kind to yourself. This is horrendous pain but it won't last for ever, promise xx

Womens Aid will come alongside you and help you emotionally and practically. They are great xx

So sorry you're going through this.

If he's pushing you during access can I suggest that you need to get on to the police. You must consider your safety and you may be glad in the future that this is logged.

A relationship breaking down can be far worse than some bereavements imo. Things will get better but you need time to turn things around. I wish you every bit of luck.

I also think he may be very worried about the ow finding out about your pregnancy. Likely he's told her it's been over between you for ages etc.

It's such a shit situation your in, I really feel for you. Please rest assured what your feeling is totally normal. You've had a huge shock to deal with on top of rejection and topsy turvey mum to manage in addition to not ideal housing situation (you've lost the security of your home too) and your not really getting the support you need at the minute. In addition to being pregnant.
Whoever told you "no ones died" needs a punch on the nose!! Your situation is far worse IMO due to deceipt on top of the list above.

I promise you will get through this Eventually and you WILL be a stronger person for having dealt with such a shit ride.

I agree with the last posts about getting help from all the organisations you can. I hope your daughter is doing ok too.

Big hugs and a bucket of strength to you OP 🌺🌺

I know it doesn't seem like it but you're in a better situation than you were a few weeks back.

A few weeks back you were being deceived and cheated on on a daily basis by a man who was plotting against you as to how to 'get rid' and move into a 'magical new life' without any ties.

You may not have been aware of how awful he was at that time but now you are apart and can start to build a life where you can rely on yourself and neither you nor your child/ren are at risk of physical, mental and emotional abuse. At the moment you just feel like it's something you've done wrong, I know, but with time (cliched but true) it'll dawn you little by little what a nasty piece of work he is and you no-one wants to be in a partnership with someone who is a nasty piece of work.

Just imagine that a friend or colleague was telling you about their boyfriend who was all of the above. I bet the advice you'd give her was to get out of that relationship sharpish because he sounds like an idiot. Then apply that advice to yourself.

Take care of yourself... Little by little things will get better.

I can't add to any of the good advice, but I wanted to say I am thinking of you

I keep wishing I hadn't checked his phone and I wouldn't know. Or that I had just not said anything to him. I just want my old life back. I realise how silly that sounds and if I was reading this as an outsider I'd think it was insane but that's how I feel. I miss him so much. I don't know why.

Oh my poor love he is a total and utter waste of breath. It will be okay in the end! Keep going! Day by day keep going! You can do this.

nixs life is messy and confusing now, it's not surprising that you're wishing for your 'old' life back. BUT the further you get from it, the more you will realise that it wasn't what you thought it was. It is very unusual for people to suddenly switch character. I suspect that your ex was not such a great person all along and that some of your current difficulties are to do with years of being in a not great relationship.

You know what, you can do this, you will do this. Look at your DD; you'll do it for her. I know it must seem that you have a mountain to climb, but all you need to do is manage the next 5 minutes, then the next 5 and so on and before you know it, you will have got through the day, then another, then another. Then weeks will have passed and things will have slowly got easier. You will have a new 'normal'. And a bit further on, a new life. A good, happy one where you wonder how you could ever have yearned for your 'old' life.

I just feel like I'm no further forward. He doesn't have to deal with any of this. He gets a lovely new relationship with all the hearts and flowers and I have nothing. I'm left dealing with all of this on my own and I'm so frightened. I know that sounds stupid but I am.
I worry so much that I won't make the right decision regarding the pregnancy and, I know it sounds selfish, I'm worried I won't meet anyone else. That's not a thought in my head right now but when I look to the future it's so dark and lonely I just can't see past this. How is it possible that I feel worse?

This is going to sound so bitchy but I so wish karma was real. I wish he could feel how I feel.

There are lots of people on here that have been in a similar situation to the one you're in now. Fear of the future. Imagination running wild about your ex. But believe us when we say, IRL what you're imagining doesn't happen the way you are thinking it to be. The thoughts you are having are overwhelming you at the moment and stopping you from thinking rationally and logically. And it is to be expected. That is why you need practical help from anyone you can get it from. Women's Aid. Samaritans, CAB to help you and support you. I know this keeps getting repeated but you will survive this

Ime the grief at the end of a relationship can easily equal that of losing a loved one. Added to that you have his cruel behaviour and the pregnancy, your loss of your home and the future you thought you'd have. Your whole life has been shattered. Don't let anyone try and play it down. If they do, turn the other cheek.

You have very little rl support but what you have done so far is amazing. You've reached out to the samaritans, your gp, the cab. That shows real grit and determination to survive this.

And survive it you will. Many of us have been in your position, though maybe without the added stress of a pregnancy. And we have pulled through and risen higher than we were before.

First step is to concentrate on building a new future for you and your dc. This will give you focus and take your mind off of his cruelty. Tell him a time and date when he can have your dd for a few hours. Honestly, he won't want more than that. Stick to it. He has to agree. Don't go back to the old house ever. Get your mum to collect your stuff.

The sleepless nights will slowly ebb away. It will happen as you build new hopes and dreams for the future. It will all start clicking into place. Trust the process of grief.

Regarding your mother, what she said was said in anger. Misdirected anger and dysfunctional but not what she will feel further down the line. She won't not love your baby if you decide to continue the pregnancy. That was said for spite in her shock at what happened. I have a similar parent and that's how they react to stress. They get angry at the weakest person. You need to move out as soon as possible as she'll hold you back.

I think you are amazing and strong. You are reacting naturally to a shit situation. A soon as you can move out and build your new future you will start to thrive.

Karma will happen. Cheats will cheat again. He'll never have a functional relationship

I really appreciate your advice nacho it feels like I'm so far away from any of that but I do re read the messages I get when I'm low. I really do. I try to take strength from them but it is hard.
I posted in pregnancy choices because I didn't feel it appropriate to discuss that in relationships but it mustn't get much traffic. i just don't know what to do. He won't even talk to me now. He has blocked me but my mother messaged him and he is having DD for four hours on Saturday and Sunday. I really don't want it to happen and feel sick at the thought of it but he has a right to see her I suppose. I just want her with me all the time. I fear he will take her away. It's irrational but the thought scares me.
I know I waffle but if it comes into my head I just need to get it out. I'm building up too much inside me these days. Feeling like I want to get away again.

Oh I'm so sorry OP.

But she hasn't won - she gets a man who is willing to cheat, to abandon his daughter and get violent? Also uncaring and a liar - does she really have much of a catch?

The best thing you can do is leave them to destroy each other because clearly he has no morals and she isn't much better.

I know it doesn't feel like it but you have everything that's important to you - your daughter.

He seemed amazing, but he wasn't. You deserve to be happy and one day you will be. But he won't ever be happy his type never are. It's always a short lasted, artificial happiness which hides a deep rooted contempt.

You're doing amazing. 😀

I've said this on other posts, it's just a suggestion but it helped me..... write a list of all the negative things about your ex, so while you was with him prior to the split and how's he's behaved since, things he's said and done to hurt you. Then write a list of the positive things that you what for your future and your daughters....stop looking at the messages from him... no good will come of it.
How many times has he looked after his daughter totally on his own for two days in the past? I bet he won't know what's hit him after entertaining her and sorting meals out etc. Take the time she's there to go for a walk, read some self help books, so for a swim make a list, have a good cry and catch up on some sleep Then you will look forward to your daughter coming back home again.

It's a natural reaction to want to cling onto your daughter in this situation, you are NOT losing her, try and think of it as your getting a break.

When I went through divorce self help book so really helped me validate how I was feeling. And that I definitely WAS experiencing grief.

My ex went off with a younger bit of fluff (15years younger than him) he was swooning round and even told me she was a catch and she didn't want kids or marriage.... fast forward 5 years she's told him she wants both and he's secretly snook off for the snip.... so I can only imagine how that's going to unfold....karma does exist ....YOU will be happy again one day.... there's hundreds of us on here that's gone through really hard times... when you hit rock bottom the only way is up.
Hang in there you are doing great!! 🌺

Why is your mum facilitating contact between DD and her dad that you don't want? If he's blocked you and isn't pushing for access you don't have to make it happen. You have enough to deal with.

If he wants to bow out of her life I would let him go. She has you, you're struggling now but you WILL get through this and into far happier times.

One last thing, you have every right to feel the way you do. He has fucked off and left you to deal with the fallout of a situation that he wanted. He's done a terrible thing and anyone in your situation would feel distraught. You won't feel like this forever but for now it's completely understandable. Lots of people on this board have been through this pain and come to a much happier place in time.

You need to give yourself time. When my ex had an affair and left me and our(at the time 11 month old) DD, I completely fell apart. I remember one particularly bad day, sinking to the floor and sobbing my heart out, the pain was horrendous(equally as bad as dealing with the death of a loved one) I would have taken him back, a thought that horrifies me now. The fact you're dealing with a pregnancy on top of everything else makes it even harder.

You need to give yourself at least 6 months to be able to see the light(in my experience anyway).I swore that I'd never be with another man again. I met some-one else, completely unexpected, only 10 months later and we're still together after 5 years. I am so much more happier than I would have been had I stayed with my ex.

I wished for karma for a long time and it eventually came to them. It ended after a year and a half and he certainly got his comeuppance. He took me to court even though I agreed for him to have our DD anytime he wanted, he just wanted to punish me, he was so nasty and horrible to me(they both were). I've since learned that these men have to believe that we're horrible to excuse THEIR awful behaviour, if they can convince themselves that we are bitches then they feel justified in their actions and don't have to feel guilty and look at themselves.

He has since completely abandoned our daughter since getting with a new girlfriend. Your ex will turn into a complete stranger, you will not get any answers, he will lie and blame you for everything that went wrong in the relationship, probably try to avoid paying maintenance and generally be a nasty bastard. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you will get through this and go on on to be happy again in time. I never thought I'd get over it but I did.

Op my situation is slightly different in that I found out 'd' p was having an affair 6 months into my pregnancy, a pregnancy we tried for nearly a year and I was devastated, obviously I couldnt terminate and even if I was early on I wouldn't have, it just never crossed my mind. I was broken at the time but over a year on I'm so glad it happened because it made me see who p really was and made me independent, something I couldnt have imagined and didn't actually want a year ago. Hormones made it incredibly harder but remember you can do this, alone or not you will get through this and in a years time look back and be proud of yourself. Each day gets better overall, you will have bad days. I would advise you make no effort in arranging contact, if your ex wants to see your dd, he can arrange it on your terms atm. Ignore his mum totally. When youre ready you can arrange what contact he will have permanently but for now, take it easy and do what makes you happy, spend time with your dd and keep busy. The worst times of my life have been followed by the best so try to remember you will have good times again.

Oh op I've just read all your posts.
I wish I could come and bundle you and you dd up and bring you here to be safe and calm.
I know you have so much to deal with but first of all you need to breathe, get some space for you and focus on dd, no one else.
When you've done that then put it all in order: what is most urgent to sort, how do I do that, do it and then move on to the next thing. Try not to think about wankface or his dm or yours ( they are not your priority) one thing at a time until it's done.
And then you can think of access etc but not till you are ready and if that takes 3 days or 3 months I'm afraid they wait !

I've always been wondering how you're getting on op? I really feel for you. I'm sure loads of us on here including me have been thinking about you. Xx