Absolutley broken

[Nixs186]

I have lurked but never posted before. I never thought I would need to post.

I found out yesterday that my DP has been with someone else. He works with her they've been sleeping together at her flat. I found messages, through snooping, to my eternal shame, after thinking something wasn't right. He tried to deny it but I had the proof. He then admitted it and left for work to see her where he has decide to leave me for her. We have a DD who is nearly 2.
I realised yesterday in all the confusion that my period is late, we had been trying so I took a test and it confirmed I am pregnant. I'm in shock at everything. The house is in his name so me and DD have had to move in with my parents with all our stuff.
I really don't know what to do. He knows about the pregnancy but doesn't seem to care. I have family telling me to terminate but I look at my daughter and I feel so sick at the thought of it. Please hold my hand

Are you on the tenancy agreement? If he's moved into his mother's, move yourself back. I know it's hard, but better than being at your mum's, surely? Don't give the key back.

Block his mother's number, she has no right to access and can frankly fuck off just now. She's not helping.

Keep onto Shelter and see if they can help.

I might be speaking out of turn here but it seems to me you are surrounded by people who push you around and expect you to do as you're told. This includes your ex, his mother and - worst of all - your own mother. It's been going on so long you feel you haven't the strength to fight back.

Do you really think it's a good idea to take your child to see him and his mother today? Why are you doing it?

He has had an affair, told you he realises now he doesn't want to be a father, despite that assertion also said you're lucky he's not applying for full residency, told you to abort a baby you were both trying for, had unprotected sex with you whilst sleeping with someone else, told you (and therefore your child!) to get out of the house you shared or he will have you arrested for trespassing, left you living with your mother who presumably he knows is toxic.

He sounds vile. Look back over your relationship and think about all the other awful things he must have been doing throughout the years. You've probably become immune to it.

Why are you seeing him for you to abuse and hurt you more? You will be so vulnerable on your own with your child whilst him and his mother will be bullying and unpleasant.

Nobody is saying keep your child from him but if he wants to see her he needs to come and collect her himself and take her out. Stop doing his bidding!

Be careful if you do move out, you might be deemed as making yourself homeless and it could be an excuse for the council not to rehouse you (even if there are places they can do that). His name might be the only one on the tenancy but it doesn't mean he doesn't have a responsibility to house you. You have a child together too.

you seem to be accommodating all their demands over your and your Daughters immediate needs ...

1. if you have this child.. he WILL have to pay for both... hence his Mother is trying to persuade you to terminate... and callous as it sounds .. you will get housed alot faster with a child and baby on the way... increases your Tax Credits too... all to the benefit of you and your children ...

1. You have common in law status... you have rights.. stop laying down and accepting them walking all over you...

1. Tell HIS mother to stop contacting YOU... until your clear in your own head what your decisions are... how you will proceed is NOTHING to do with his Mother...

1. it sounds like your using your Daughter to see Him... STOP

1. tell your Mother nothing.... get your own mind sorted out first ... your Mother is not supporting you... so stop feeding her gossip...

1. get yourself to Housing ASAP .. and contact CSA let them rip his cosy wee idea of a new life apart....

Be Strong Lady .... Be Strong

I went to see him and it was just as you said. I came away feeling utterly devastated and even more down. Why have I let him kick me when I'm down? I'm such a bloody idiot.
I think I may block him for a few days just to have some space. His mother is already blocked. I doubt he'll even notice if I do block him. He said he hates me. I don't know why I'm letting him get to me like this but everything is still a shock. I really hate this. It's so upsetting. Think another phone call to the samaritans will be needed later. So wish I had RL support. So very down right now.

Nixs.. your doing the right thing in blocking these people .... you need to focus on yourself and your daughter... and of course you're upset... what he has done to you is disgusting... it will take time... but eliminate the negative voices nipping at you... and try to find solace in your beautiful daughter.... take your time .. it won't happen over night... but the days will start to become brighter... xx

I feel so low. I really need a friend. This is the worst I've ever felt in my life.

So sorry, you're having such a bad time Nix. Do you have a children's centre near your mum's? They do some good playgroups & also classes for parents with a creche for the toddlers. It might be a way to fill yoyr time & build your confidence a bit.

He is a disgusting excuse for a man. He said he hates you? His pregnant partner, mother of his child who he cheated on and evicted?? What an utter bastard.

Honestly you are well rid. I know it hurts now - I've been there - but one day the fog will lift and you'll thank your lucky stars that you aren't growing old with a lousy piece of shit.

I have not read the full thread. Yet. I have just noticed that he and his parents came to see you when your parents were out. That is a bit bullying in my book. He says he want DD all day tomorrow and in the next breath says that he is not built to be a parent. Too bad he already is. I don't think you can agree to hand over DD tomorrow as you will need to see a solicitor to get an agreement on the terms of access. It could be a Minute of Agreement you need and you could put in that DD is not to meet the OW and other stuff like not to give DD this or that food or fizzy pop or whatever.

I have also been alone when pregnant. I had been engaged to someone and we lived together. We spilt up when I was about 3 months pregnant. I sold the house and ended up back in my old bedroom. I got much more support from parents than him. I got on fine. Baby born didn't work for several years then got a job then better job etc got on at work and bought house. Doing fine and the baby is all grown up. I don't regret any of it. Glad I didn't have to negotiate with the ex over anything he melted into the background and I got on with it.
Good luck

So very low. My poor girl has just woke up crying for her daddy. Actually sobbing for him. I can't see how to get through this. I feel so down. I've never been depressed before but I can feel myself slipping somewhere dark. I don't want to talk about depression lightly but I honestly feel like everything is so black. I don't want to face tomorrow or any other day.

Holding your hand, Nix.

Like so many others, I have walked your path. I know your pain.

Stay strong, love. Keep walking. Keep going forward. Just one foot in front of the other. It doesn't matter that you can't SEE the light yet - the light is still there.

A future you can't yet imagine, with love and laughter and happiness. Walking tall and strong ... happy and healthy.

Trust us, love - we are all by your side, cheering you on. We know the pain, and we know how it hurts.

We are ALL living proof that you can do this. You CAN, and you WILL ... just one step at a time.
Xxxxx

Nixs186. Please try to be kind to yourself the middle of the night can be long and lonely but I promise you it does get better my ex cheated on me after 37 years of marriage and I seriously didn't think I could cope I was ashamed and embarrassed and felt such a failure I'm 3 years on now and life is so different I'm more content than I ever thought possible and although I do get lonely sometimes I would never go back to the life I had.
This is his loss and eventually he will realise that mine says it was the biggest mistake of his life and wished he could turn back time well I don't I am a lot stronger and happier now.
You will I promise you get the strength to cope and come through this a different person Give yourself time to think and no contact with him is the only way this can happen please take care xx

You can do this. Go to the council to discuss housing options on Monday. When I unexpectedly fell pregnant with my second my mum broke down in tears and told me it was the worst thing I could have done (I was married, a few weeks off 30, a job earning higher than the national average... I told her she needed to use her imagination as I could think of 10 worse things off the top of my head). She didn't engage with my pregnancy at all, kept telling me she wished we hadn't done this, guess what, now that baby is here (and coming out of toddlerdom now) she treats them no different than the first baby, both are very much loved. If you want a real life person to talk to with no personal experience of your family or ex, I'm probably fairly close by, I'm in the bit of County Durham that no one has accepted hasn't been it's own county since the 1980s.

I'm probably being really dim but which part of County Durham are you from red?
I still feel so low. In fact I feel worse. How is that even possible? I'm going to have to go back to the doctors next week. Is there anything they can do for feeling like this? It hurts so much. I know I sound like a broken record but honestly never felt like this before.

My doctor gave me a sick note for a couple of weeks - "stress" was the reason. It helped cos there was no way I could have functioned at work. My boss was very understanding but we can only self certify for 5 days.

I would think you could get referred for therapy too, definitely worth an appointment.

I hope you are managing to eat and getting a bit of sleep.

Oh Nix, I'm so sorry you are feeling so low, please call your g.p first thing tomorrow and ask for an emergency appointment. Tell them everything, especially that you want to keep your baby! They can put you on anti depressants, they can also refer you to the community midwife and possibly counselling!

One of the best things you can do is take your little girl out and power walk around the park, or the beach. Gentle exercise can increase your endorphins and make you feel better. You have decided to keep your little one, so buy a pregnancy magazine or a pregnancy app and look up your due date and your babies development at however many weeks you are. Allow yourself to get excited, you are growing a beautiful baby, a sibling for your beautiful daughter!

Take your little one to soft play, or swimming, or the local toddler group. Try to keep busy so that come evening, coupled with first trimester exhaustion you can both drift straight off to sleep. Obviously if morning sickness is awful then by all means give your little one your phone/ iPad/pop cbeebies on your telly and curl up in bed with your princess by your side. If your little girl is unsettled bring her into bed with you for a short while! You can work on getting her settled in her own bed later on, you are what she needs right now!

Do you have any other relatives who would be supportive? Any siblings, cousins, grandparents or friends who you could visit and get support from? If your ex gets abusive about your choice to keep your baby, tell him he had his chance to stop this happening back when he was actively trying for a baby with yo! He chose to make this baby, despite shagging someone else!

Please dont compare yourself or feel like OW has won, if anyone is a winner here its you! You have seen his true colours! He is a nasty, cheating, pathetic scumbag! His bit on the side will have to live with knowing that even when things are good and supposedly going great (e.g settled down and trying for a baby) he could be living a double life shagging someone else!!!

I also want to add that you are experiencing something akin to grief! You are grieving the man you thought he was and the life you had together! Him being a complete and utter asswipe won't stop you missing the pretend version of himself that he was when he was with you.

There are different stages to grief, this darkness and all consuming pain will pass and you will move on to anger or disregard. You will get through this!!!

connectivitycounselling.com/grieving-infidelity-relationships/

So sorry, Nixs. You are not alone. Everyone here is thinking of you and supporting you. This pain will ease, it will not feel like this forever.

I have been referred to mental health crisis team. I've never felt like this before. I never ever thought I'd ever be in this position or feel like this. I don't know how I'll ever come out of it.
I just hope it doesn't work out with this girl and he feels as bad as I do. I know it's not right to think that but that's how I'm feeling.

The fact that you're questioning how you're feeling about not wanting him to be happy saying, 'I know it's not right to think that,' suggests that for a long time you've been conditioned to prioritise to his happiness over your own.

It's perfectly right and normal for you to hope he doesn't find happiness after the way he's behaved! Even if he'd been decent about it all it'd be normal to feel that but after the vicious, vitriolic, cruel things he's said and done I think you're being amazingly gracious!

Support from mental health professionals will be really helpful. They will help you to become stronger and understand you are better off without people like him in your life. You and your child and pregnancy are the most important things now.

Don't be alarmed that you are suffering right now. It's perfectly normal to be upset when your partner has an affair and leaves. When he's such a shit on top of that it's going to be even more devastating. Add to the mix your unsupportive, controlling mother and a nasty mother-in-law plus pregnancy hormones and caring for a small child, it's really no wonder you need some support. Be proud that you've sought help rather than suffer in silence! You will emerge stronger and happier. 💐💐💐

Just read the whole thread and really, really feel for you op. Keep posting on here - everyone on here feels total sympathy for you. We have your back. Keep going.