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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh just slapped 3 year old dd

216 replies

bluebell321 · 11/06/2017 20:50

Dh was just putting dd to bed while I was tidying and heard her suddenly start screaming and crying- ran upstairs and dh had slapped her. She was being a typical 3 year old and refusing to sleep but ended up throwing her dummy and hitting him in the eye and that was his natural reaction. He does sometimes have a short temper and can shout but in on the whole a v good dad and never done anything like this before. At first he started making excuses and saying it wasn't that bad until l sent him photos of her red cheek. Now he's saying he feels awful and is really sorry. Literally in shock and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
usagainsttheworldson · 11/06/2017 22:34

My ds grandparents barely barely tapped his hand and I stopped them seeing him that's how strongly I am against smacking kids

duckwalk · 11/06/2017 22:35

I called the police on my ex when he slapped my (then) 12yo dd across the face. (Have previous thread).

He was arrested, sw got involved and everyone from sw, police, teachers, lawyers, counsellors say it was abuse and I done the right thing.

But 3yo? Shock

My ex has a long history of being abusive towards others, plus he was my ex, so it was an easy decision.

Go with your gut...you wouldn't be posting on mn if you didn't know this was all kinds of wrong.

I hope your dd is ok Flowers

duckwalk · 11/06/2017 22:44

Bengal

If in U.K. I can assure you the police will 100% take it seriously Confused

Police went straight from my house to dd's dad's cuffed him then took him to the station. (Prick answered No Comment to every question, which is not an indication of guilt north of the border).

If this guy can whack his 3yo dd for having a tantrum, what will he actually stop at? No amount of "please don't do that again or else" will change someone who has this kind of temper, trust me!

VanellopeVonSchweetz99 · 11/06/2017 22:45

So sorry to hear this. I second everything Duckwalk said. It would be over for me.

M0stlyBowlingHedgehog · 11/06/2017 22:45

Think of it this way, OP: what do you think would happen if your DD disclosed this to someone in a position of authority? An adult at her playgroup or nursery?

I can tell you what would happen - instant social services involvement. That's how serious this is. My mother was a teacher, and she always said that the forms of violence towards children that scared her most were slaps around the head - because it is so easy to leave a child brain-damaged, deafened, or worst case, dead. Because adults, particularly adult men, are so much stronger than children. If your husband (there is nothing "D" about him) cannot be trusted to control his temper around your DD and lashes out, hitting her round the head, either he needs to leave the house or you need to leave, taking her with you, to a place of safety. I think you should call the police, both for her safety, and because you will need a paper trail to ensure he does not get unsupervised access to her, ever.

Henrythehoover · 11/06/2017 22:53

A dummy in the eye is no excuse I got a fork in the eye when my son was three. He was hitting the fork against the table and it went in my eye as I lent over. I felt bad enough for swearing at him but I managed to restrain from hitting him as that is just not on.

duckwalk · 11/06/2017 22:53

Agree with Mostly.

Sw will definitely get involved...don't let that put you off though. They came to my house the day after ex was arrested (fathers day 2016, ironically) and once they saw dd and spoke with me, and were assured I would keep her safe, they discharged her.

What I was told though was that if I knowingly put my dd at risk of further abuse then I would be looked at again.

Last thing you want (apart from the raising of hands, obviously) is for this to continue, dd to disclose to a teacher and disclose that you have been aware. That'll be damaging for dd too.

I know what I'm saying is scary, of course it is, but that's how serious this is. Do not minimise this. Flowers

twattymctwatterson · 11/06/2017 23:00

What would you do if a stranger slapped your baby in the face? What if someone slapped you?

CherriesInTheSnow · 11/06/2017 23:08
Shock

Your poor 3 year old :( 3!!

How on earth could he have done that.

You unfortunately can't trust him now. It must be so hard and he might try and convince you that it would be ridiculous to leave you for a "one off" event, but I could never in a million years have someone around my DD who was willing to strike her.

If he lost control once what is he going to do to prevent that again?

I personally would be telling him to leave but the next best thing would be a parenting course, maybe an anger management and lots of assurance through consistent capable behaviour that he is not an abusive areshole.

Jesus the thought of a tiny girl getting a slap across the face is bringing tears to my eyes :(

ShakingAndShocked · 11/06/2017 23:09

No-one's mentioned this yet but the worst aspect of hitting/assaulting a child is actually the total headfuck it gifts themAngry

Person they love hurting them = desperately confusing and traumatising for child.

OP Has he previously been abusive to you? I'm guessing yes as no-one goes from zero violence/abuse to a flat out palm full on face slap of a small child.

Please do call 101 and soon if you haven't already. This is not going to be a one off based on your description of him (NOT that 'one-off' would be remotely ok, simply pointing out that this will happen again and you need to be fine with that prospect if you don't act now to protect your child).

Feel for you but feel for that wee girl more; please don't fail her Sad

duckwalk · 11/06/2017 23:20

Shaking

You're right to point that out, yes it has been a head fuck for my dd for sure.

Turns out that the face slap wasn't the first hit for my dd. And even a year later, almost a year of counselling and umpteen professionals agreeing I done the right thing, she has doubts Sad

She goes through many wobbles as she remembers the good times and the nice times.

She blames herself, says if she hadn't been cheeky then he wouldn't have hit her. If she hadn't spoken up then she'd still have a dad.

Tonight she even said to me "my dad doesn't hit for no reason, you must have done something first, I'm not getting the full story ". My counsellor and dd's counsellor have encouraged me to tell dd about her Dad's abusive past as it will let her know the danger involved. It absolutely broke my heart hearing that earlier, that I must have done something to deserve it. Society is all about victim blaming Sad dd's head has been well and truly fkd up by years of abuse that her views are completely skewed.

Please get your dd away from this before she begins to see it as normal.

Sorry everyone for hijacking the thread. Blush

MomtoOneMarvelousBubba · 11/06/2017 23:22

OP this is assault, battery to be precise. IMO you could not class this as reasonable punishment.
*Common Assault, contrary to section 39 Criminal Justice Act 1988
An offence of Common Assault is committed when a person either assaults another person or commits a battery.

An assault is committed when a person intentionally or recklessly causes another to apprehend the immediate infliction of unlawful force.

A battery is committed when a person intentionally and recklessly applies unlawful force to another.*

I hope your daughter is not too shaken up.

Although it may sound extreme and may feel unnecessary, he has to leave. You can't trust him to look after her. He overeacted violently with his baby, which means he has no self control. She is a baby. Defenceless you have to make sure she is protected, even if it is from her father

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 11/06/2017 23:54

Bengal you are kidding us? You really think the police would not do anything!?

You are the only one who minimized this and then made it about you. Well done. Biscuit

user1496604328 · 12/06/2017 00:18

Omg the poor baby. Keep him away from her, the poor little thing.

DavetheCat2001 · 12/06/2017 08:51

OP are you still reading??

How are things this morning? Is your DD ok? Have you taken any of what PP's have said on board?

A horrible situation but your priority really must be to keep your LO safe from this sort of thing Sad

raindropstea · 12/06/2017 08:54

You should never slap anyone's face, especially not a child. Your daughter could now end up with lifelong TMJ issues. Think of how big your partners hand is compared to DD's 3 year old face and the force at which he slapped her, even if "lightly" is still a lot for her. He may have just given her a life of jaw pain. Not trying to scare you but this is a very real possibility. A child's face is still developing and the tmj is a very sensitive and vulnerable joint.

skippy85 · 12/06/2017 09:06

Op, i know u have a lot going on, MN not a priority but if you get chance can u please let us know u and DD are ok! Dont feel you have to go into details of last night. Just let us know u r both ok. Xxx

Original poster
bluebell321 · 12/06/2017 13:11

Thank you everyone- I do appreciate what everyone has said. We are ok ☺️

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 12/06/2017 13:18

So what has happened?

FizzyGreenWater · 12/06/2017 13:19

I am assuming from that very brief post that all has been swept under the carpet.

You need to take your daughter to the doctor and get her jaw checked out - yes this could have damaged her developing jaw. Yes that smack would definitely have been hard enough on a baby, if she was left with a red face and if it was a 'reaction' hit - sounds hard.

I am guessing you won't be doing that though, as there have been tears, 'horror' and 'literal shock' from him which has been deemed enough... so you won't be able to protect her properly by getting her checked out.

That shouldn't be good enough for you, as a mum. Is it?

Original poster
bluebell321 · 12/06/2017 13:23

I have a ds who is 1 as well so haven't had a chance to think about it - they are at nursery tomorrow though so will then

OP posts:
Missingthepoint · 12/06/2017 13:25

Sorry that is not good enough, you had all last night to pick up the phone and call the police.

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 12/06/2017 13:26

So what on earth is happening?

pog100 · 12/06/2017 13:29

Missingthepoint lives up to the name. OP came for advice and support not to be talked to like a naughty schoolgirl. It is her life.

Missingthepoint · 12/06/2017 13:39

There are lots of posts advising the OP of the seriousness of what occurred and that she should contact the police. I am not a lone voice in that. I hope that she is able to ensure the safety of herself and as it now emerges 2 young children. I think we can all agree that is the paramount concern.