Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh just slapped 3 year old dd

216 replies

bluebell321 · 11/06/2017 20:50

Dh was just putting dd to bed while I was tidying and heard her suddenly start screaming and crying- ran upstairs and dh had slapped her. She was being a typical 3 year old and refusing to sleep but ended up throwing her dummy and hitting him in the eye and that was his natural reaction. He does sometimes have a short temper and can shout but in on the whole a v good dad and never done anything like this before. At first he started making excuses and saying it wasn't that bad until l sent him photos of her red cheek. Now he's saying he feels awful and is really sorry. Literally in shock and don't know what to do.

OP posts:
NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 11/06/2017 22:00

This happened to my 4yr old DS over bedtime teeth brushing.

Not phoning the police was a huge mistake.

Whilst I tried to 'fix' everything, he escalated and a year later he was made to leave with a non-mol and police involvement. The damage to my DS from that extra year was and is profound. Not reporting it meant I had no proof of abuse, so it was harder to protect myself and DS in court.

I know it feels like a bomb going off in your life, but you MUST report it. They always get worse if they 'get away with it', because the next time, and there WILL BE a next time, you will feel that you can't report it because you didn't last time so now you are complicit etc etc. It only gets harder.

Please, from a mum who has been EXACTLY where you are, call the police. You NEED this on record.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 11/06/2017 22:00

**emotions =mentions

BengalPrint · 11/06/2017 22:01

Bengal...how do you suggest op prevents her husband hitting their child ? Talk us through that

I am not here to explain myself to anyone, so I won't be talking anything through.

@Missingthepoint when did OP say that he left a bruise on her face? What I have read is that he left a red mark on her face, bruising and a mark are two different things.

I think hitting a child is wrong, I was never hit as a child and I would never lay a finger on my son. You have some people out there that do "smack" their children, yes I think it is wrong but I'm not here to tell anyone how to parent their children.

Do you really think the police will do anything if OP calls them, by the morning I doubt the mark will even be there.

Message to OP I hope you manage to speak to him and prevent it happening again.

PoorYorick · 11/06/2017 22:01

OP you need to have a talk with him, and prevent it from never happening again.

I don't usually pull apart people's bad grammar, but in this case I have to because it's so apt. Telling an abusive man to stop, with no consequences, is indeed going to 'prevent it from never happening again'.

PoorYorick · 11/06/2017 22:02

I am not here to explain myself to anyone

Nobody is asking you to explain yourself, it is not about you. You say that OP should stop her husband assaulting their child again, but without contacting police. So people are asking what you propose she do instead.

Talking to abusive men generally doesn't cut it, so what's your solution?

lorelairoryemily · 11/06/2017 22:03

You need to get rid of him op. Slapping her hard enough to leave a mark on any part of her body is horrendous. On her face is horrifying. Please don't let her think that it's ok that her dad hurt her like that, he's an abusive shit. I couldn't stay with him after that. How will you ever know how he treats her when you're not there

deneedenee · 11/06/2017 22:08

NotQuite did you post on here at the time? When I first joined here there was a poster who detailed a similar incident. She never updated, but I think was on the verge of getting him to go, and I always wondered what happened with her and her DS.

OP, i hope you're okay. Tell him to leave for now, you need time to think. I can't imagine how you're feeling.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 11/06/2017 22:10

What a fucking big burly man has hit his 3 year old daughter in the face.
I'm not usually one to say LTB,/but In this case I'll make an acception,and I agree with pp about calling the police.
The poor little mite.

BengalPrint · 11/06/2017 22:12

PoorYorick you can pull my grammar apart as much as you want, if it makes you feel better Smile petty.

As much as people tell OP to call the police she isn't going to and she isn't going to get rid of her DP either.

skippy85 · 11/06/2017 22:13

Imo, once that boundary has been crossed there is no going back! If he hit u would you stay with him or walk? Many would say walk (i would too) but this is a 3 year old. You shouldn't just be walking you should be reporting him too! If my DH slapped any one of my 3 kids he would never see the light of day again!
You haven't posted since the op. Is your baby ok? Has she calmed down now? I hope you are ok. Please, as a woman who has grown up with violent men...it always starts with 1 little slap! Don't let there be another!
I am sorry if this seems really judgmental, she is only 3, what will happen when she can give an attitude and shout bk at him?
Take care!

PoorYorick · 11/06/2017 22:13

What do you think she should do?

TrueColors · 11/06/2017 22:13

Why are you minimising Bengal? This isn't a smack. This was a slap and it was her face. I'm shocked that it's being defended. The OP was worried enough that she took photos.

PoorYorick · 11/06/2017 22:15

There's only really one reason why people minimise assault and abuse, and it's because they have some experience of it - as victim, perpetrator or witness - and it makes them uncomfortable when their narrative and perception of it is challenged.

BlahBlahBlahEtc · 11/06/2017 22:16

There's only really one reason why people minimise assault and abuse, and it's because they have some experience of it - as victim, perpetrator or witness - and it makes them uncomfortable when their narrative and perception of it is challenged.

Agreed.

MineKraftCheese · 11/06/2017 22:17

@BengalPrint did you miss this?

"In England and Wales there is no ban on smacking and parents are allowed to use “reasonable chastisement”. However, hitting a child so hard that it leaves a mark, or causes bruising, swelling cuts, grazes or scratches could result in criminal charges"

"hitting a child so hard that it leaves a mark"

Her face was red. That's leaving a mark

user1484615313 · 11/06/2017 22:17

I absolutely agree with PY.

Waltermittythesequel · 11/06/2017 22:20

Bengal, that's twice you've told her to stop it happening again. Neither time have you said how she could possibly do that.

DavetheCat2001 · 11/06/2017 22:21

OP are you still about?

Is your DD ok? Are you ok?

Firenight · 11/06/2017 22:22

Is it the first time he has ever done anything like that?

Here it would be the riot act - do anything like that again and you are out; apology to the child and much much love and reassurance. Then some anger management and reading about how not to let kids push their parents buttons.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 11/06/2017 22:23

The police absolutely WILL do something if it's reported,a friend was in a similar situation and the father was arrested and he wasn't allowed back into the home.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 11/06/2017 22:27

Deneedenee I didn't post as I went along, only afterwards once I got out. I was a huge lurker though, and I think this board saved me and the DC. It gave me the belief that we were worth more than the hellish life we had.

I hope you are ok OP. It took a long time to settle DS that night as he was understandably very shocked.

If you can, ask him to leave. Say you need some space to think. Can he go to his mum's? A friends sofa? Then, once he is safely out, call the police and get this on record. I can't stress enough how important this is. If you end up in court, reporting this will let you access legal aid, and it will allow you to dictate any contact arrangements. You need to be able to keep you and your DD safe.

ToastDemon · 11/06/2017 22:28

Of course the police will act if she reports it!
It's not the fucking 1970s any more.

frigginell · 11/06/2017 22:29

This is a massive shock. It is very unlikely that you are going to be able to make a decision to end your relationship or 'fix' anything tonight.

However, your child has been assaulted and you have a responsibility to her to report that assault to the police. It isn't up to you to weigh it up, it's really quite black and white. Do that now, and then deal with what happens afterwards as it comes.

NerrSnerr · 11/06/2017 22:29

'Why oh why do OPs start these emotive threads and then just disappear and leave everyone hanging??'

Because the OP clearly has something more important to deal with then updating Mumsnet.

I think the OP needs to tell someone, the police or health visitor. It will be much worse if her daughter tells nursery or someone and they realise the mum knew but didn't act.

usagainsttheworldson · 11/06/2017 22:30

As a yearly thing my husband does a local parenting class I don't smack and neither does dh totally don't agree with it it's child abuse what your husband did having said that while my ds was in the care of his paternal grandparents I was informed by ds that they smacked him once when he was younger I went ballistic and haven't left him in there care since and never will again I'd be insuring your husband does a parenting class and should not be sleeping in the same house as your daughter for atleast a week otherwise social services will be on the scene