I have seriously hurt DH - What do I do?

[HannahWayes]

Haven't seen DH for a week (long time for us), he's back from business hunting over seas and we were thrilled to be together again, as always.

Lovely dinner, etc etc. I went to the loo and popped back to see he was on my iPad. He was on my FB and saw my ex pop up in recent searches. His facial expression looked hurt. I asked what was wrong and he said "you tell me, or better yet, have a look for yourself".

I did and the page was on my recent searches. Gulp.

I cannot believe I was silly enough to do this, and even worse, leave it around in full view for him to see. I'm devastated.

I searched my ex today out of curiosity. I wondered what he must be doing now. I have no feelings for him, but his existence passed my mind in fleeting today and I searched him.

I'm pregnant with DH's child. I love him and would put my life on the line for him and this baby. He is everything to me.

Where do I go from here? Should he LTB?

I told DH I'm so sorry if it's hurt you and I really do mean it. He said "well it's all just bollocks. Go have your bath you were running".

I'm in tears here in the bath. I don't know what I've done.

As for the FB searching, he wasn't snooping. He doesn't have FB and uses mine to search for his brother/sister and see what his nieces and nephews are up to.

I think all you can be is honest. Honest with him why you were searching and honest with yourself about any feelings you have.

The truth is though, the balls in his court. I personally wouldn't leave for this. You made a mistake. That's all.

Thanks Fig

Not sure what to do once I get out of this bath.

Ex was an abusive arse. I don't want to keep saying "I'm so sorry" and so on as I've heard these things before and it makes people sound very guilty.

But I am so sorry and I just don't know if to open my mouth again or wait for him to make some kind of move

Tell him what you've said here, idle curiosity. FB lets us search so we search. As long as you didn't contact him, no harm done. What are your other searches? Try to put it in the context of that.

(I'd die of mortification if people saw some of my searches...)

You haven't done anything wrong. You were just curious. You didn't contact him, did you? So what's the big deal?

Id be furious if my dh tried to control what i was and wasnt allowed to look at one the internet.

I search for people all the time, it's just curiosity made possible by Facebook isn't it? I was hunting for an old email at work today and found lots of old names I had forgotten, I am now wondering what they are all doing and I didn't even like some of them! It sounds like a bit of an over reaction to me.

I would be a little hurt if my husband searched for his ex, but I also understand the curiosity. I think especially when you're going through major life changes, the past does pop up into our heads more often.

I've searched for my exes, no interest in ever talking to any of them ever again though.

Looking up ex's is a perfectly valid use of FB. Has nowt to do with romance and everything to do with nosiness!
Have a nice bath and try to relax. Hope DH isn't one to make a mountain out of a molehill.

Jeez you sound like a right pair of drama llamas!

Did you need a 2nd thread for this ?

Idle curiosity. He's punishing you unnecessarily.

Bloody hell, who doesn't do stuff like that? I'd maybe raise an eyebrow and look unimpressed but that's what facebook is for!

If you'd slept with or even snogged your ex, this would make sense....

What? You haven't done anything at all. Idle nosiness. It afflicts most Facebook users. I would be annoyed with him if he is going to try and make a big drama over it.

It's unfortunate that he was hurt but I don't think you did anything wrong... I look up all-sorts of people on FB all the time and it means nothing (other than I've had a passing thought or curiosity about that person). It also wouldn't bother me if my husband did the same. That sort of response seems a bit excessive? I could be in the minority but I don't expect so.

Maybe because he doesn't have a FB account or use it often he doesn't really understand that it's really not that unusual to look up exes or old friends?

Maybe wait until he calms down a bit and then calmly explain that you were just looking up your ex out of passing curiosity and it means less than nothing and ask why he's so upset by it?

You are both being over-dramatic. Stop making such a big deal out of this silly thing.

Of course you haven't done anything wrong! You've got absolutely nothing to be sorry about so please don't let this upset you. I often search for boredom or curiosity reasons - doesn't mean my marriage is in difficulty. Frankly if your husband is making you feel bad for this he is either hypersensitive or an arse! Don't give it another passing thought!

Id say as youre pregnant and so happy, you were thinking about the past and started wondering what people were up to now.

Obviously your ex was one of those people.

Oh I search for random people all the time I'm so nosy. It means nothing but people read all sorts into things. If someone I haven't seen for years pops into my mind for any reason I'll have a little Facebook search to see what they're up to. Ex boyfriends, old school mates random old colleagues.
All you can do is be honest. I definitely don't think it's a ltb situation though, it's not like you've secretly met up or anything! I wouldn't keep apologising though - once is enough - it's really not that bad, everyone with Facebook does it!

I have done this before, out of curiosity. I am happily married with dc and have no feelings for my ex - I found out he is now married with 2 dc - that was all! I don't think my dh would mind that I did this and your dh is seriously overreacting.

I feel like I have committed such a horrid thing. and I don't trust my own head right now because it's been drummed into me that abusers (such as ex) try and defend their actions, and that's exactly what I did by saying it was curiosity.

It was 100% curiosity... but I'm scared I sound like a lying bastard to DH because being with an abuser scares me.

DH isn't one of them. So I'd hate to even be a smudge of nasty/untrustworthy to him

Tell him your ex is an ex for a reason.

Molehill and mountain come to mind.

I thought that was the whole point of facebook.

What do you do?
Put it in perspective.
You're not having an affair, having secret meetups with your ex, messaging him or being deceitful - you searched him. It is no big deal.

I think you and your DH need to calm down and stop overreacting.

This bath is getting cold. I need to man up and face the music. Tempted to show him these threads...