I have seriously hurt DH - What do I do?

[HannahWayes]

Haven't seen DH for a week (long time for us), he's back from business hunting over seas and we were thrilled to be together again, as always.

Lovely dinner, etc etc. I went to the loo and popped back to see he was on my iPad. He was on my FB and saw my ex pop up in recent searches. His facial expression looked hurt. I asked what was wrong and he said "you tell me, or better yet, have a look for yourself".

I did and the page was on my recent searches. Gulp.

I cannot believe I was silly enough to do this, and even worse, leave it around in full view for him to see. I'm devastated.

I searched my ex today out of curiosity. I wondered what he must be doing now. I have no feelings for him, but his existence passed my mind in fleeting today and I searched him.

I'm pregnant with DH's child. I love him and would put my life on the line for him and this baby. He is everything to me.

Where do I go from here? Should he LTB?

I told DH I'm so sorry if it's hurt you and I really do mean it. He said "well it's all just bollocks. Go have your bath you were running".

I'm in tears here in the bath. I don't know what I've done.

As for the FB searching, he wasn't snooping. He doesn't have FB and uses mine to search for his brother/sister and see what his nieces and nephews are up to.

Whilst you keep passively asking him whats wrong and being apologetic he's going to carry on behaving like a tool. Text back

"I've apologised, it was idle curiosity and nothing else. I can understand you being annoyed and a little hurt initially but this is OTT. Maybe you should stay at your mums and clear your head for a bit"

Take the wind out of his self righteous sails

Are you sure you want to live like this for the next 50 years ? Bring up your kids this ?

What about when he says to your DD

"I'm angry and upset because at a time when there is so much going on, your GCSEs your Saturday job and you're on fucking Facebook checking out your fucking freinds . Is that what's in your mind? Really?"

Agree with monkeywithacowface

God all mighty the pair of you sound right fucking drama lamas. Get a grip man. It's not even a small deal let alone the massive deal you are both making it out to be

Mental.

I regularly look on Fb at the person I hate most in the world, just to laugh nastily to myself. It takes about 40 seconds of my busy life in which I nurture, care, carry out admin, work and do household chores for my family.

Is he TRYING to start a rift?

Do what Monkey said.

Yes do what monkey said and also make him get his own Facebook account rather than using yours to stalk people - it's not exactly tricky

Send monkey's text and then ignore for a bit. You don't have to keep justifying your perfectly normal behaviour.

OP - I said on your other thread that I think you've swapped one abusive partner (ex0 for another. I think he is controlling and abusive.

You say you are pregnant (unless that is another red herring?!) and abuse often ramps up when pregnant and vulnerable.

But now I think he is covering for something, picking a fight to deflect your attention away from something. NO-one gets so mad over a FB history! What is he hiding?

Make sure you are aware of any potential red flags - and don't buy a house with him, or get married, unless you are really sure he is not an abusive, controlling twat.

I must admit, I've got confused with the two threads and so many comments and I am a bit lost but I think you behaved in an odd way changing the sheets last thing at night when he was in bed (or is that on the other thread).

And I totally agree with ptumbi "Make sure you are aware of any potential red flags - and don't buy a house with him, or get married, unless you are really sure he is not an abusive, controlling twat."

In your shoes I would tell him you want to see the hosue with him, not your dad, and before you see the hosue you want to meet and have a cuppa together.

I;d simply say that you are not sure what was so upsetting to him but of course you are not about to embark on an affair! And that is because you love him (if you do) and the idea he thinks you would when you are 6 months pregnant with his baby, or whatever, shows that was a totally irrational thought.

Now you want to clear the air, get on together and get back to life.

Agree with sunnysouthend "Frankly, it's controlling of him to be upset that you looked up your ex. He is the one who should be asking forgiveness for acting like a controlling prick here. People have exes. Some people feel curious about them and look them up. Some people even talk to them . It really is his problem and not yours."

Why is he living at his mums? Address this now.

It's all very messed up! He needs to understand you can see someone's Facebook profile without having an affair with them, or even any romantic or sexual thoughts! Plus he needs his own Facebook account.

If he thinks you cannot even see your ex's photo on Facebook without something to be suspicious of, he may be the sort of person who is suspicious of others because he is naturally suspicious, or because he has been hurt in the past, or because he thinks he would cheat given a chance. Try and find out what prompted such a massive reaction to such a tiny thing.

You could tell him there are people like me, I have seen my ex at social functions on a couple of occasions over the last few years and my dh could not be less bothered!

Hannah

"I'm angry and upset because at a time when there is so much going on, a baby, a new house a wedding you're on fucking Facebook checking out your fucking ex. Is that what's in your mind? Really?"

well, maybe there is more going on here, does he feel under pressure, worried about baby and new house, financial commitments?

."..at a time when there is so much going on, a baby," He does realise you are prgenant all the time so you don't actually hvae to stop looking on Facebook to be pregnant!

"a new house" which he is jeopardizing by messing about like his.

"a wedding" Is this imminent, could this be the cause of issues. I knew one man who was terrified of making a speech and ended up breaking up with the woman rather than make the speech! I mean more going on there too of course.

"Is that what's in your mind?" Meet him face to face and ask what is on his mind. Texting doesn't seem to be helping.

"I'm angry and upset because at a time when there is so much going on, a baby, a new house a wedding you're on fucking Facebook checking out your fucking ex. Is that what's in your mind? Really?"

I think I just sprained my eyeballs.
He's being fucking ridiculous. Totally agree with whoever saying aren't you allowed some time to be twatting about on the internet.

What an over reaction.

Ask him to get his own account.

Don't compare his "interest" in Holly W with yours in your ex.

Holly W - attractive woman, wouldn't mind you know... wink wink nudge nudge

Ex - wanker who you want to feel SMUG over because he is a loser and you are doing SO much better.

Jesus Christ, what a fucking bellend he is

He's really embarrassing himself now. He must be very insecure but that's not your problem.

Oh I'd just leave him til he grows up and realises he's overreacted massively.

Please don't spend your weekend chasing him and apologising. Does he have friends? Sounds like it'd be worth him asking his friends about the fb thing. 'My girlfriend looked up her ex on facebook' I'm sure they'd be like and.....and help him get some perspective.

Dp just phoned and asked what I'm doing. "Looking up exes on Facebook", I replied. "Oh," he said and then changed the subject. When I told him about this thread he deemed your dp controlling.

Don't put up with this shit. If you try and pacify him, it will escalate and he will know what to do to keep you in line. It's an utterly ridiculous overreaction and he's being petulant beyond belief. It's particularly disturbing that he's pulling this shit when you're pregnant.

I agree with the others, do what monkey and pp are telling you.

Can you imagine spending your life with such a pouting insecure weirdo?? His feelings are still hurt over your FB ex search?? BIZARRO.

Still living w his mother? Red flags all over the place on this one. He's more excited than you are about the wedding?

I tend to be overly prudish but what the hay is wrong with what you did? Nothing. We all do it and there's not a thing wrong w it. Pure curiosity.

He's a nut!

He's being a twat

Searching is nothing!! If you contacted him that's totally different. That's what Facebook is for. I always look up exes or people I used to know, its being nosey, seeing what people are upto, my dp who I adore and vice versa searches his ex on Facebook too who is also in a happy relationship. Its just being nosy!! Not a problem in the slightest!

I don't think this is the whole story. It can't be. You have done nothing wrong. Its a control game he's playing just ignore him.

What I would do would pretty much depend on how much I valued my relationship with dp and whether I had concerns that his behaviour was part of a wider pattern of trying to control you or a one-off.
If you love him and don't want to lose him then make sure he knows this - don't do it by text, do it in person.
At the same time, tell him exactly how you feel about ex, even if he's heard it before. Tell him why you searched him. Fwiw, I have a wanker exbf who I occasionally look up in the hope that life is not too good for him. I do have him blocked though so he can't actually contact me.
Apologise for hurting him but remind him that he needs a certain level of trust and looking up exes is perfectly acceptable in a trusting relationship - as evidenced by the overwhelming majority on this thread.