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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have seriously hurt DH - What do I do?

293 replies

HannahWayes · 08/06/2017 21:35

Haven't seen DH for a week (long time for us), he's back from business hunting over seas and we were thrilled to be together again, as always.

Lovely dinner, etc etc. I went to the loo and popped back to see he was on my iPad. He was on my FB and saw my ex pop up in recent searches. His facial expression looked hurt. I asked what was wrong and he said "you tell me, or better yet, have a look for yourself".

I did and the page was on my recent searches. Gulp.

I cannot believe I was silly enough to do this, and even worse, leave it around in full view for him to see. I'm devastated.

I searched my ex today out of curiosity. I wondered what he must be doing now. I have no feelings for him, but his existence passed my mind in fleeting today and I searched him.

I'm pregnant with DH's child. I love him and would put my life on the line for him and this baby. He is everything to me.

Where do I go from here? Should he LTB?

I told DH I'm so sorry if it's hurt you and I really do mean it. He said "well it's all just bollocks. Go have your bath you were running".

I'm in tears here in the bath. I don't know what I've done.

As for the FB searching, he wasn't snooping. He doesn't have FB and uses mine to search for his brother/sister and see what his nieces and nephews are up to.

OP posts:
Original poster
HannahWayes · 08/06/2017 23:03

Condense Meh, can't say he's a jealous type but then again can't think of a scenario where he would feel jealous, apart from tonight's antics.

We haven't argued in a long time and never really argue like this. It's quite a shock to my system

OP posts:
mydietstartsmonday · 08/06/2017 23:04

Facebook is for stalking ex's. Tell him you are sorry he is upset but you were only looking.

cloudchasing · 08/06/2017 23:04

Why is he a Mumsnetter? Is it to keep an eye on you?

LittleGreenPear · 08/06/2017 23:06

Your husband sounds so far removed from my own that I'm struggling to get my head round this

Mine wouldn't bat an eyelid. He wouldn't go looking as it wouldn't occur to him and I could say ' I looked up every single ex I've ever had today to see if I still fancied any of them' and he'd just laugh.

I just can't imagine him stropping off to sleep on the sofa over something like this

You both sound very co dependent and needy

indigox · 08/06/2017 23:11

You both need to calm the hell down

JaneEyre70 · 08/06/2017 23:11

The whole purpose of FB is to look up people that you'd never ever dream of contacting in real life. If he doesn't know that, he's an idiot. I think you need to read him the riot act and tell him to grow the f**k up he's going to be a father soon, and making his pregnant wife cry and feel utterly miserable makes him an arsehole, there is no moral high ground here. Like he's never looked an ex up??!?! Yeah right. But next time, clear your searches. FB rule no 1.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 08/06/2017 23:12

He must have a reason for being so upset by this, maybe he's not as secure in your marriage as you think.

It just reminds me of how my ex used to be - picking a fight over something very trivial to hide something he was guilty of.

cloudchasing · 08/06/2017 23:15

Funny you should say that condensed

I was about to ask if there's any possibility he could be overreacting to cover something up that he's hiding.

Original poster
HannahWayes · 08/06/2017 23:15

He goes on Mumsnet because he likes the different threads, usually AIBU section.

I think the fact I didn't delete my search history just shows how irrelevant and unimportant the search was.

If I had something to hide, why leave it for him to see?

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 08/06/2017 23:17

Maybe he's overtired or something. Perhaps in the morning he will wake up and see he's been an idiot.

Flowerfae · 08/06/2017 23:17

I thought you'd met up with your ex or something whilst you dh was away. This is a big over-reaction, I have one of my ex's on my facebook friends list, DH knows .. its no big thing.

BigSunglasses00 · 08/06/2017 23:20

It's strange that he's making you feel so guilty. I understand that it's an awful feeling to have your partner be upset with you but you really don't deserve it. At this point I'd be angry at him for giving me a night of grief and anxiety over something so small. I hope he comes to his senses quickly and apologizes.

Original poster
HannahWayes · 08/06/2017 23:24

Big so you think he should apologise tomorrow?

OP posts:
VinoTime · 08/06/2017 23:24

I genuinely don't understand the problem Confused

I'm a right nosy mare and I'm always looking people up! I thought we were all guilty of having the occasional FB creep...? Grin

BadHatter · 08/06/2017 23:25

It's a little sad how everyone is minimizing the husband's feelings here.

Look, he was hurt seeing that his wife still thinks about her abusive ex. He may feel betrayed. He may be confused. It's up to him to decide what to do with them. Calling him an asshole/abusive/controlling for being legitimately hurt, even if it may be unreasonable to most, is cruel.

OP, just give him space. Don't bring up your ex.

BertieBotts · 08/06/2017 23:30

You know, people with a history of abusive/controlling relationships tend to be attracted to new relationships which are still abusive/controlling but just on a smaller scale.

He's being absolutely ridiculous and your reaction, thinking that he's perfectly justified and you've done something awful, is absolutely typical of this pattern. As is all of this fear that you might end up losing him and/or "who'd want me?" mindset.

I'm not saying that he is necessarily being controlling, he might just have been overreacting because of being tired from travelling or whatever, you'll only really find out tomorrow I suppose, but your reaction is concerning. It says to me that you need to do some urgent work on your boundaries and (together) your conflict resolution. Babies and children are stressful. You're going to fight over far more important and emotionally sensitive issues than this over the next few months and years - you need to talk about how this whole thing has gone down.

BigSunglasses00 · 08/06/2017 23:32

Probably, unless I'm really missing something. I'd be really upset that I'd spent a night feeling horribly guilty and stone-walled when I hadn't really done anything wrong.

Like I said before, if he doesn't use Facebook and is genuinely oblivious to the concept of having a look at an ex's profile out of curiosity, then maybe I could understand him being upset. But it sounds like he hasn't given you an opportunity to explain at all? It sounds like a massive over-reaction and it seems a bit cruel to leave you in such a state over something so small.

BertieBotts · 08/06/2017 23:33

Yes absolutely he should apologise tomorrow, he's the one who has done something wrong. Searching your ex is not cheating. It's not even a betrayal. It's just dumb curiosity.

cloudchasing · 08/06/2017 23:37

Out of interest, why doesn't he have his own Facebook account? If he finds it necessary to look at his friends/family, it wouldn't hurt for him to get his own? He might understand a bit better then, because natural curiosity will get to him too!

Redglitter · 08/06/2017 23:38

Bloody hell what a massive over reaction from him. You looked an ex up on fb. Big deal. He's lucky that's all he's got to worry him.

Let him sulk on the sofa if that's what he wants. You've nothing to feel guilty about

CondensedMilkSarnies · 08/06/2017 23:40

On the other hand , I have seen threads on here where the man has looked up an ex wife/girlfriend on FB and there's been a massive shout of LTB he's a cheat !

IloveBanff · 08/06/2017 23:41

OP, just show him this thread tomorrow. Say that you're sorry he feels hurt, but really you were just being nosy and everyone does it as he will see from the thread. Then you can kiss and make up.

IloveBanff · 08/06/2017 23:42

CondensedMilkSarnies you're absolutely right about that.

tiba · 08/06/2017 23:46

My ex was an abusive arse and I still search him occasionally

Just to put my mind at rest that he's still an arse

No way would I want anything to do with him

Kelsoooo · 08/06/2017 23:49

That's the point of Facebook....to satisfy curiosity without having to contact people.

The other day I ended up on my old colleagues mum's Facebook.....means nothing. Just curiosity lead me there.

You're both over reacting.

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