I have seriously hurt DH - What do I do?

[HannahWayes]

Haven't seen DH for a week (long time for us), he's back from business hunting over seas and we were thrilled to be together again, as always.

Lovely dinner, etc etc. I went to the loo and popped back to see he was on my iPad. He was on my FB and saw my ex pop up in recent searches. His facial expression looked hurt. I asked what was wrong and he said "you tell me, or better yet, have a look for yourself".

I did and the page was on my recent searches. Gulp.

I cannot believe I was silly enough to do this, and even worse, leave it around in full view for him to see. I'm devastated.

I searched my ex today out of curiosity. I wondered what he must be doing now. I have no feelings for him, but his existence passed my mind in fleeting today and I searched him.

I'm pregnant with DH's child. I love him and would put my life on the line for him and this baby. He is everything to me.

Where do I go from here? Should he LTB?

I told DH I'm so sorry if it's hurt you and I really do mean it. He said "well it's all just bollocks. Go have your bath you were running".

I'm in tears here in the bath. I don't know what I've done.

As for the FB searching, he wasn't snooping. He doesn't have FB and uses mine to search for his brother/sister and see what his nieces and nephews are up to.

I bet he does the same. I bet he checks up on old girlfriends all the fucking time and he's projecting onto you.

Honestly, I would bet five golden pounds I'm right.

What you did was normal bored curiosity which is ok. What he is doing is punishing you and that really isn't ok.

Well he came round last night.

He said he didn't think I was untrustworthy with it, nor did he think it was anything more.

He just wanted me to accept he was hurt by it and felt I wasn't acknowledging that part, despite it being a one off search.

Thanks all.

He's still a twat. I have a browse of my ex's every few years.

Why would he listen to reason when it would mean giving up the stick to beat you with. He likes being the downtrodden one and is playing it for all its worth.

He's back to his usual self. I think he generally didn't understand why as it isn't something he himself would do.

Horses for courses, I suppose

he's back to his usual self cos he wants you to shut up about his total overreaction and be so fucking grateful he still "loves" you that you never put another toe out of line.

wise up my dear and sort your life out. ltb

AND

are you back to your usual self, or are you still worried about how he reacted, wondering how you will handle it next time, wondering what will set him off next time, modifying your behaviour so there is no next time???

What TondelayaDellaVentamiglia says, totally.

Well I won't be leaving search history of ex around, no. It upset him for whatever reason.

He's never acted this way before and I've done more 'upsetting' things that the typical controlling man wouldn't like, such as lunch with male colleagues and drinks with my two male bosses when I met them.

DH was fine with all of that and it's all recent. I really just think he overreacted for whatever reason

Nice bit of appeasement behaviour.

Can you see why some of us remain worried about this sorry episode?
Take v good care of yourself.

We're those occasions before you were pregnant? So if he'd have acted obviously controlling you could have left him relatively easily?

Sweet both whilst I wasn't pregnant and pregnant also.

I can't see how I could leave more easily whilst pregnant. Surely it's not as simple as just leaving whilst pregnant?

Obviously people do and are entitled to! But wouldn't a lot of woman feel more attached to DP during pregnancy?

Is he the thought police? You've done nothing wrong.

Yes, that's what I'm saying. He was less controlling before you were pregnant. He knows he can get away with shit now because you are less likely to leave.

He may have come round because ultimately you showed that you weren't going to be shamed and cowed about this. But watch out for any sign of any repeats. If he doesn't acknowledge that you're allowed to mess around and indulge your curiosity rather than spend 100% of your time thinking earnest thoughts about the wedding and the new house, you have to think carefully about whether you want to marry him.

Lunches and after works drinks with collegues some of whom happen to be male would NOT upset most normal men. Unless it was repeated drinks / meals / nights out with one male colleague in secret.