I have seriously hurt DH - What do I do?

[HannahWayes]

Haven't seen DH for a week (long time for us), he's back from business hunting over seas and we were thrilled to be together again, as always.

Lovely dinner, etc etc. I went to the loo and popped back to see he was on my iPad. He was on my FB and saw my ex pop up in recent searches. His facial expression looked hurt. I asked what was wrong and he said "you tell me, or better yet, have a look for yourself".

I did and the page was on my recent searches. Gulp.

I cannot believe I was silly enough to do this, and even worse, leave it around in full view for him to see. I'm devastated.

I searched my ex today out of curiosity. I wondered what he must be doing now. I have no feelings for him, but his existence passed my mind in fleeting today and I searched him.

I'm pregnant with DH's child. I love him and would put my life on the line for him and this baby. He is everything to me.

Where do I go from here? Should he LTB?

I told DH I'm so sorry if it's hurt you and I really do mean it. He said "well it's all just bollocks. Go have your bath you were running".

I'm in tears here in the bath. I don't know what I've done.

As for the FB searching, he wasn't snooping. He doesn't have FB and uses mine to search for his brother/sister and see what his nieces and nephews are up to.

I agree with everyone saying you don't need to worry. Enjoy your bath, act normal and don't bring it up again. If DH does, explain to him that you were just curious and that you refuse to make a big deal out of it.
I searched my ex earlier on, couldn't explain why, I'm just really nosy

Massive overreaction.

My DH is FB friends with his ex. I've never thought twice about it.

I think your DH needs to get a grip. If he doesn't have FB, does he not really know what it actually is or means? Grasping at straws here but if that's not what the problem is, then I'm really quite worried about the extent of his overreaction.

I search people that would make DP a bit all the time! Don't cry about it, you've made a mistake and you were curious, it isn't the crime of the century. My DP once saw that I searched his ex! Now that's an awkward conversation.

Don't panic, I'm sure it'll get swept under the rug if he isn't the jealous type. If he left you over this when you're expecting a baby then I really think there is wayyyy more too it on his side.

Sometimes I look at my ex on fb, just because I'm nosy, I have zero feelings about him. Facebook was invented for being nosy.

I just can't see what the big deal is.

Honestly think you're both massively over reacting. It's pretty standard practice on facebook.
I looked up an ex from 20 years ago the other day. He's got 8 kids and as many chins. C'est la vie.
Please don't feel guilty. You're not having secret rendezvous or cybersex or whatever. It was an internet search out of curiosity. No biggie.

I like to have a periodic spy on various people; exes, people I have fallen out with, people I once fancied at school, his exes, people at work that I don't like... lol!

It's utterly normal.

I've done the same and been "caught". DH asked me why I was looking. I said I was curious and wanted to know how his life turned out. We were together in our teens (15 years ago) and no friends in common so no way of knowing. I saw he was married with DC as am I. It makes me happy to know he is happy. DH wasn't fussed as he has no reason to be jealous or doubt me. You and your DH are overreacting massively.

Oh I have searched an ex boyfriend who I genuinely have no feelings for whatsoever. He was pretty awful to me, actually, but I was interested in seeing if he ended up married (and who the poor woman was!) and if he was still a stuck up arse.

Ive searched my exes. Been married 25 years now. I wonder what they are up to, occasionally. Just nosiness, that's all.

And I agree that it is utterly normal- in fact I would be more surprised if people didn't have a nose to be honest. It's just general curiousity

If he wants to look at Facebook, he needs his own account surely? It is a bit creepy using yours. I love a bit of Facebook stalking exes, but my DH wouldn't know because he doesn't look at my private browsing, he also wouldn't care because he is a grown up.

You're both being weird. Everyone searches exs on Facebook.

Thank you all

Had a good cry in the bath and feel better for it.

Now off to see DH and see if he is any less upset with me

Good grief I've looked up my exs and a couple of nights ago I was looking at DHs exs stop being so dramatic

Are you both always this dramatic?

I'm friends with two exes on FB. I sometimes look at their pages to see what they're up to in their lives (and have googled my other ex - just out of curiosity). I've not spoken to any of them online (I bumped into one at a funeral) for about 9 years and DH has always known about any communication, but not if I've mooched around google or Facebook being nosey.

We've all done it OP.

It's part nosiness, part wanting to just quickly make sure that your life is better than theirs (which it always is of course). It's also a bit of a "thank fuck I'm out of that situation" prayer.

I would show your DH this thread actually, just so he knows how common "ex-snooping" on FB is. It's a bit morto but ultimately verrrrry benign.

And I say this as someone who has an ace DH and two lovely DC and wouldn't trade back for a bazillion squillion dollars.

Total overreaction! I am always looking up people from the past, it's just curiosity.

You've done nothing no-one else does/is doing right now. Besides it's human nature to be a bit nosey, especially with an ex. Let him calm down a bit and tell him how you feel. It's no biggie is it really.

I feel like I have committed such a horrid thing. and I don't trust my own head right now because it's been drummed into me that abusers (such as ex) try and defend their actions, and that's exactly what I did by saying it was curiosity.

Think about that. It can't possibly be the case that defending your actions makes you an abuser, can it, otherwise how could anyone ever defend themselves when they're unjustly accused? If you accuse me of theft, and I defend myself by telling you that I have never stolen anything, does that make me an abuser or someone who is simply telling the truth?

You really haven't committed a horrid thing. You've had a quick look on the internet out of curiosity. The other day I looked up something about a murderer out of curiosity after coming across a reference to him - it doesn't mean I want to meet him, see him or start a relationship with him. Today I was thinking about someone who bullied me at school and thought about looking her up, mostly in the vindictive hope that I'd discover she's miserable now - again, it doesn't mean I want to see her. You looking up your ex is in precisely the same category.

If your current partner takes this seriously, you should be worrying more about his trust issues than anything you have done.
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Seriously, looking at your ex on FB is not a dumping offence

I almost walked into my ex from about ten years ago as as I went into the polling station tonight (with my partner, who I live with and love with all my heart) and the first thing I did when I got in was google him. It's just nosiness and totally normal.

You are both overreacting. I'd get your dh to open his own Facebook account and stop looking at yours. Why was he looking at your recent searches?.

Everyone looks up exes on FB. It's not a huge crime in the general scheme of things. You both need to chill out.