I have seriously hurt DH - What do I do?

[HannahWayes]

Haven't seen DH for a week (long time for us), he's back from business hunting over seas and we were thrilled to be together again, as always.

Lovely dinner, etc etc. I went to the loo and popped back to see he was on my iPad. He was on my FB and saw my ex pop up in recent searches. His facial expression looked hurt. I asked what was wrong and he said "you tell me, or better yet, have a look for yourself".

I did and the page was on my recent searches. Gulp.

I cannot believe I was silly enough to do this, and even worse, leave it around in full view for him to see. I'm devastated.

I searched my ex today out of curiosity. I wondered what he must be doing now. I have no feelings for him, but his existence passed my mind in fleeting today and I searched him.

I'm pregnant with DH's child. I love him and would put my life on the line for him and this baby. He is everything to me.

Where do I go from here? Should he LTB?

I told DH I'm so sorry if it's hurt you and I really do mean it. He said "well it's all just bollocks. Go have your bath you were running".

I'm in tears here in the bath. I don't know what I've done.

As for the FB searching, he wasn't snooping. He doesn't have FB and uses mine to search for his brother/sister and see what his nieces and nephews are up to.

I'd probably make a statement such as "look. I know you're not happy about this. But it was just idle curiosity. There's nothing in it, no contact was made or wanted. I understand your feelings about it, and I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings, I wouldn't like it either but the actual fact is it was only a name search on Facebook and that's it. I hope we can move on".

I would acknowledge his feelings but not grovel or apologise profusely.

(If it was my sister, she'd say scornfully "Oh get over yourself, what a mountain you're making over nothing. Let me know when you've got over your strop". Followed by a flounce and lots of indignant righteousness. But, that's another story )

I'm always googling my (many) ex-ex.
Just laugh it off. I'm not going to run off with them - just interested to see if they are fat now... (yes, yes, don't know, can't find, yes)

Jeez, he's over reacted and you seem to have allowed him to get in strop when you haven't done anything wrong at all! I'm in my late 50's and I look up ex's and others from 40 years ago, just out of idle curiosity, and because I can- not to make contact with any of them.
Tell your DH to get a grip, and learn to stand your ground with him!

I'm email/phone call friends with 9/10 of my exes. They were important people in my life. Dread to think how your husband would take that! But of course, they are exes for a reason, as someone else said. If the current relationship feels secure it really doesn't merit more than a raised eyebrow.

I cant make up my mind whether he is a nutjob or a controlling arse. Either way, good it is not. You have done nothing wrong. He seriously needs to apologize for his overreaction.

He has been away, and straight away goes to YOUR Facebook to see what you have been searching for?

I've searched to be nosy too! If my DP saw I had I would just be honest and be extra sweet and complimenting to reassure him I am not pining after my ex! It's a silly matter but no harm in a little reassurance and a bit of buttering up.

Oh, blimey. Not read all the replies, just the first few.
That's the thing about Facebook, it's just there for complete and utter nosiness! Doesn't mean anything.
I've been married lots and lots of years, but going through one of my friend's friend list a few years ago I stumbled across the sister of the person I first "did" it with.
So I naturally (like any normal nosey cow) looked through her friends list and saw him there and so clicked on his profile to see what he was doing now.
Absolutely NO NO NO way still interested, just clicking out of nosiness!
If DH had checked or seen my history, there'd have been nothing to worry about.
He's over-reacting. Just re-assure him. If he doesn't believe you, that's his lookout anf says how much he trusts you!

What happened OP? Did your DH apologise?

My DH is FB friends with his ex. I've never thought twice about it.

That's a point. So's mine. Maybe I should LTB.
Although I'm friends with her too as I knew her for a while before we got together....

Oops just realised "yesterday" is only about 5 minutes ago!

We've all done this, op! It's called curiosity!! I've searched on FB for people from the olden days, classmates, friends, exes, just out of curiosity to see how they are, it's wanting to make a connection with your memories, that's all. It's totally natural, it's doesn't mean anything. (Unless you try to contact your ex, now that would be something else.)

Show him this thread and he'll see how common it is. I guess though I'd be hurt too if I saw that my dh had searched for an ex, but just because he doesn't really have any natural curiosity and it would be out of character for him to do that unless it was for a reason but me, I'm naturally nosy haha!!

I google my exes all the time. Even the guy I snogged a few times at 16 in Germany. I don't even know why.. I'm not the LEAST attracted to any of them and my DH is an outstanding husband.

I think you need to be gentle with DH. Try to keep calm and help him understand that it's literally meaningless to look up an ex online. He may already have felt insecure about the guy that came before him. Or maybe it would never occur to him to google his ex so when you did it, it seemed like a huge deal and a terrible shock.

Maybe if he sees on this thread that lots of women do it out of pointless curiosity it might help him understand?

Don't get mad or make him apologise, it won't help anyone.

He might be wondering why you had to change the sheets. putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5 ?

You both need to audition for EastEnders!!

You need to stop torturing yourself and stop with the dramatics and wanting to "understand why is so hurt", I will tell you why he is acting so hurt - it is because he knows you will act like this, he sounds like a knob actually, who let's their pregnant wife cry in the bath and then sleeps on the couch over this???

Woman up and tell him you were being nosey, he is bring ridiculous until he apologises his controlling ass can stay on the couch

That aside - changing the sheets when someone is already in the bed, that's super irritating and very weird

I snuggled up to my DP on the sofa tonight who happened at that moment to be on FB looking at an exes profile. I glanced over it and noticed ex is expecting twins - I was utterly unconcerned - neither of us even mentioned it. Your DH is being silly.

Good grief. How is looking up someone you know a crime? its there for all to see and if they dont want you looking they increase their privacy levels.
Your DH has been an idiot and needs his head shaking. Going off in a grump because of a digital history is such a childish thing to do. I do wonder if its projection of guilt as he found out your prying by prying himself.And then all of a sudden hes the wounded one !On your bike mate.

Have this out with him in the morning. He cannot go on making you out to be a criminal for natural curiosity.

You did nothing wrong. Your DH should understand that pretty much everybody has idle curiosity about what's happened to an ex. I'm sure if he bumped into a mutual acquaintance of one of his exes her name would probably come up in an idle 'what's XX up to?'.

Sorry to say it sounds to me as if he's punishing you for what most people would think was no big deal.

Another one here who searches up lots of people on fb. I'm nosey and fb is perfect for satisfying my noseiness. Most of my exes are my fb friends already , so don't need to look them up!

He needs to a) get a grip b) grow up c) chill the fuck down d) open his own bloody fb account. Another one here who thinks there's a reason he doesn't open an account and that's so he's got a legitimate excuse to look through yours .

I have most of my exes as friends on fb and I've searched for others and had a nosey. Bloody hell, I've searched for some of dhs exes never mind just mine. Dh thinks it's hilarious and thinks I should work for MI5!

OP you say that you are quite dizzy and do lots of things wrong . Can you say more about that ?

Good grief, anyone would think you'd banged the local football team while he was away on business.

He is always liking Holly Willougby's pics, maybe I should have words about that and ask why he keeps following models

Yes, you should. That suggests a degree of double standards.

I fear that your reaction may have fed his. If you had immediately laughed at him, he might have realised that he was exaggerating. But you getting all upset and ashamed may have made him think you had something to be ashamed of. I'm absolutely not blaming you for that, it's obviously a product of the earlier abuse, but it may be worth you pointing that out to him.

Just wow.

Is be more annoyed at you trying to change bed sheets once is gone to bed and would similarly go sleep elsewhere

Fair enough he might be upset but as things go searching your ex on Facebook barely registers, everyone has done it! I'd accept him being pissed off for an evening then he needs to get over himself

Why do I feel like something is amiss here and he might be the problem? The reaction seem ott

Secondly, how did he look at your history if you were already in contact with your ex?

Did he do the search on whether you did the search? It wouldn't just pop up, wouldn't it?
I don't get how that happened?