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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me get my head around this

162 replies

ACrapDay · 08/06/2017 14:31

Quick summary, no drip feeding.

DH has just returned (Tuesday) from a trip to Thailand. He went on his own. DH goes away once a year on his own as he runs his own business, which often necessitates working incredibly long hours and eventually the stress builds up and he needs a break. I have always supported this, as he is no fun once the stress mounts, and we can end up clashing a lot. He suffers badly from Seasonal affective disorder in the winter months, which compounds the problem

He went to Thailand last year and this was his second trip, which did raise some concerns in my head as he never visits the same place twice, but I squashed the thought.

So here I am this morning. I pick up his dirty travel clothes and I check all his pockets before loading the washing machine. In one of his short pockets I find 3 unused condoms.

DH had the snip 6 years ago. We haven't used condoms save once, 2 years ago because It was close to my time of the month, and I didn't want to take a chance.

Coincidentally, I found two additional condoms in his bottom drawer last week, but assumed they were old (part of the packet 2 years ago). I haven't had a chance to compare the numbers on the wrapper to see whether these are part of the same packet and he intentionally took them, or whether they are new, and he brought them when on his trip.

I am completely numb and in a strange suspended reality. I cannot compute what this means. Its like someone asking what colour the sky is and I know its blue but cannot say it.

Please help me clarify this. He's upstairs and is going to work soon. Eldest DS is here (only going in for A-levels exams), and I have a final deadline essay to give in for uni (today), which I'm trying to attend to but just cannot right now.

I genuinely have lost the ability to reason. Maybe it doesn't mean what I think it might? Help me think please.

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 10/06/2017 10:17

He has asked if anything is on my mind he is so confident!

I'd have been so tempted to say 'yes, sex tourism'.

Is there any conceivable way he could 'go away for work' while your son is doing his A levels? Take another 'holiday'?

This must be hell on earth for you. What date does your son finish his exams?

mummabearfoyrbabybears · 10/06/2017 10:54

I've sadly been in your shoes OP. Don't get drawn into a debate when you confront him and don't feel you need to explain how and why you know. It's his job to explain, not yours. I'm so sorry Sad

JennyRMorris · 10/06/2017 13:48

I'm so sorry he has done this to you OP Flowers

I think the evidence speaks for itself really. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you, it really is the shittest of situations to be in.

I hope you find the strength to confront him and kick his sleazy arse out. With you 100% of the way x

isitjustme2017 · 10/06/2017 14:18

Another thought (and apologies if this has already been suggested).... when you do confront him why not just tell him you know he's been going to Thailand to sleep with prostitutes. Don't tell him how you know, just tell him you know. He can try to excuse away the condoms so I wouldn't mention these until later. Worth a try.

spiney · 10/06/2017 16:22

Like Mummabear said it's his job to explain. Not yours. Don't get drawn into debate.

This happened to me. I confronted my OH and before you know it I was answering all the questions! Defending myself. And I still feel angry when I think of it. Old patterns run deep.

guinnessgirl · 11/06/2017 11:06

Thinking of you this morning OP. How are you holding up? Flowers

another20 · 11/06/2017 18:42

Can these men with such a sexual appetite hold it together for 12 months for their annual trip? Do you think he kept the condoms for use at home?

another20 · 11/06/2017 18:42

...with prostitutes?

LoveDeathPrizes · 11/06/2017 19:09

Why bring so many home? Feel like perhaps it's something he indulges in on the side at home too.

SparklyMagpie · 13/06/2017 10:57

Hi OP, just checking in to see how you're holding up? Xx

AlaskaSometimes · 25/06/2017 08:40

How are you going op? Have been thinking of you.

try2hard · 13/07/2017 19:39

I was just wondering if there was an update?

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