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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me get my head around this

162 replies

ACrapDay · 08/06/2017 14:31

Quick summary, no drip feeding.

DH has just returned (Tuesday) from a trip to Thailand. He went on his own. DH goes away once a year on his own as he runs his own business, which often necessitates working incredibly long hours and eventually the stress builds up and he needs a break. I have always supported this, as he is no fun once the stress mounts, and we can end up clashing a lot. He suffers badly from Seasonal affective disorder in the winter months, which compounds the problem

He went to Thailand last year and this was his second trip, which did raise some concerns in my head as he never visits the same place twice, but I squashed the thought.

So here I am this morning. I pick up his dirty travel clothes and I check all his pockets before loading the washing machine. In one of his short pockets I find 3 unused condoms.

DH had the snip 6 years ago. We haven't used condoms save once, 2 years ago because It was close to my time of the month, and I didn't want to take a chance.

Coincidentally, I found two additional condoms in his bottom drawer last week, but assumed they were old (part of the packet 2 years ago). I haven't had a chance to compare the numbers on the wrapper to see whether these are part of the same packet and he intentionally took them, or whether they are new, and he brought them when on his trip.

I am completely numb and in a strange suspended reality. I cannot compute what this means. Its like someone asking what colour the sky is and I know its blue but cannot say it.

Please help me clarify this. He's upstairs and is going to work soon. Eldest DS is here (only going in for A-levels exams), and I have a final deadline essay to give in for uni (today), which I'm trying to attend to but just cannot right now.

I genuinely have lost the ability to reason. Maybe it doesn't mean what I think it might? Help me think please.

OP posts:
Chocolatefudgecake100 · 08/06/2017 21:30

Sending hugs op i hope you find the strength to confront him u need him to confirm this for your sanity i just hope to god hes man enough to tell the truth and not bullshit you

gentleshouting · 09/06/2017 06:20

TBH, teaching martial arts is not the most high pressure job so the bizarre single holidays would have been a huge red flag on its own. And when do you get your holiday??? I'm so angry for you Flowers

rightwhine · 09/06/2017 07:19

Use this time to get copies of everything financial so he can't hide anything.

Pretend you are sick to your ds's to explain away your odd behaviour.

Starfairylights · 09/06/2017 07:33

So sorry you are going through this OPFlowers

thegirlupnorth · 09/06/2017 07:36

Without a doubt he has planned or had sex with someone. Maybe he is bi curious and wanted to explore that side. Who knows. Hopefully he will be honest to you when you confront him.

Overtiredbackagain · 09/06/2017 08:46

How are you feeling today OP? Sending a virtual hug and offering a hand hold x

pigyoinkoinks · 09/06/2017 08:51

Oh OP I'm so sorry Flowers

MrsMamaG2016 · 09/06/2017 09:02

I hope you work out what to do and wish you all the best Flowersxx

ACrapDay · 09/06/2017 09:08

Thank you so much for all your kind and supportive messages they're so good, thank you. I certainly can't speak to anyone in RL yet.

I'm still here and I've not said anything yet. I fell asleep at around 4am. Woke up and briefly forgot, then it all came flooding back Sad. I have allergies so I made up an excuse about feeling really stuffy so I could sleep downstairs. I don't want him to touch me. DS has an exam later this morning. I've plastered on a smile, made school lunch and said goodbye to 2nd ds.

He knows somethings up though. Its strange his behaviour has suddenly become apologetic even though I have given no indication that I have any bones with him. Since last night he's been asking if I need anything, if I have seen the favourite chocolate bar of mine that he has brought me and placed in the fridge. Did I want to go cinema(!!!) or restaurant later today, he could get someone else to cover. Have I got something on my mind?

I feel the need to get to the phone. I wasn't able to get my hands on it last night. I'm thinking there might be pictures on it or something in his search history or messages. Not that I need it at this point but it could provide better backup. I feel sick at the thought. We'll be alone in the house and I'm dying to unburden myself and have it out, but I'm holding back because of both the DS exams and also because at the same time I'm dreading the confrontation. It would help if I was feeling the anger but I'm still in a bit of shock and feel more upset and hurt than angry the way I need to be.

If I talk to him now, he'll calmly just tell me some rubbish about picking them up so he could bring them home (when we never use them) or some crap and expect me to swallow it. My fear is that he will deny deny deny. He will try and have me second guessing myself, and feeling guilty for even suggesting or thinking he could do something like this. He can strong arm an argument he really wants to win. And I'm crap at pushing the point when I'm really emotional.

He's going to deny because I think he for him to do this he has compartmentalised that its just sex abroad and 'meaningless'. I don't think he wants me to know. He came back with lots of little gifts for me and apart from yesterday has been acting like everything is just hunkydory. Its doing my head in, because I thought I knew him and I now I cannot figure out who he is. Like literally he is just acting normally. My mind cannot figure.

But nowhere else to go. And I still feel sore below. I'm worried he's given me something but my period won't be finished until at least Tuesday.

He has completely ruined the trust and love I used to have. I feel like my world has imploded all in a day. I feel queasy and just crap.

OP posts:
Istoletherainbow · 09/06/2017 09:19

Of course you feel like that. It's not like you had time for this to sink in with suspicion. This has come from nowhere to you and everything you're feeling is completely understandable and normal.

Is there nobody you feel you could talk to about this? You need rl support when you do feel ready to confront him.

rizlett · 09/06/2017 09:23

Op - before we all run riot with what might have happened lets just stop for a while and breathe.

How old is your ds? I think you said doing A levels - is it at all possible he might have bought them home for him - and not wanted to talk about that with you?

Although it feels like your world has erupted is it possible to compartmentalise this just for today so you can finish your essay and get it in on time? Move the focus away from him and back to you - just until you do know more about what might have happened?

kickarse · 09/06/2017 09:25

I am so sorry Op Sad, please give yourself time to process this and make sure that you get your ducks in a row.

He will minimise and lie, you know the truth, trust your gut.

Prostitutes or ow/om it is all cheating.

Flowers and (((hugs)))

kickarse · 09/06/2017 09:27

And please do not fall for the 'posh' wank bullshit that he may use.

rightwhine · 09/06/2017 09:47

Maybe he has realised you've found the condoms.

He knows you know something is up. You know, he knows, you know. You can't keep burying your head in the sand for your ds' benefit. You are going to have to talk to him. Get it over and done with sooner rather than later, although try to copy the important paperwork first (or at least soon after before he reacts properly). Grab the bull by the horns during today's exam.

alltalknobaby · 09/06/2017 10:05

It sounds like he knows something is up. Don't let him persuade you that he has done nothing wrong. Keep writing here - the MN massive will keep you grounded and support you. Flowers

peaceout · 09/06/2017 10:12

In my experience of martial arts clubs the instructor is usually having an affair with one of the female pupils

lilyroses · 09/06/2017 10:19

It's harsh but let's not sugarcoat it,his clearly shagged somebody else,get rid & don't listen to the excuses! Flowers

AyeAmarok · 09/06/2017 10:37

If you're worried he'll try and make up a rubbish and insulting reason, like they're your DS's, or a friend gave him them, etc, then come up with a response in advance that you just say over and over again.

I'd go with a simple "I know that's not true". Don't add things like "then how do you explain X?" Because that just invites him to spin more bullshit. And it will drive you mad.

Just say "I know that's not true". Don't say how you know. Don't say what you know. Just say that one line, coldly, in response to each excuse.

But go out for a long walk or run yourself today. It will help get your thoughts in order.

LoveDeathPrizes · 09/06/2017 10:38

He knows, so he may start erasing his tracks. To be honest I'd ask for the phone outright. I'd say I have reason to be worried and I want to see for myself but that would put you maybe before you're ready.

LoveDeathPrizes · 09/06/2017 10:39

*out you - sorry.

Kennethnoisewater · 09/06/2017 10:43

He knows something is wrong, if he was completely innocent he'd just come out and say 'what's up? You've been a bit weird since I got back' but he's not doing that is he? He's creeping around being mr nicey nice because he thinks if he's nice to you you won't want to spoil that so you'll swallow down your suspicions.
You have to have of our with him otherwise your mental health is going to seriously take a kicking, don't let him ruin that too as well as the rest of your life.

caffeinestream · 09/06/2017 11:10

How old is your ds? I think you said doing A levels - is it at all possible he might have bought them home for him - and not wanted to talk about that with you?

Oh come ON. Really?! REALLY?!

I'm so sorry OP. He's a wanker, and a cowardly one at that.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 09/06/2017 11:21

I imagine he's come back from his holiday , been going about his business and then had a massive 'oh fuck' moment when he remembers the condoms.

It's a shit situation Op and I'm not surprised that you're still in shock . Is this something that you think you can get over or do you feel this is the end of your marriage ?

Take your time with whatever you decide to do , you'll know when the times right to bring it up - don't forget that you are in the driving seat .

BarbarianMum · 09/06/2017 11:22

There is only one reason those condoms were in his pockets. So sorry OP but don't drve yourself mad trying to swallow an alternative "explanation ".

TatianaLarina · 09/06/2017 11:31

He will have deleted stuff from his phone already, the nicey nicey act indicates he thinks you might have sussed.