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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help me get my head around this

162 replies

ACrapDay · 08/06/2017 14:31

Quick summary, no drip feeding.

DH has just returned (Tuesday) from a trip to Thailand. He went on his own. DH goes away once a year on his own as he runs his own business, which often necessitates working incredibly long hours and eventually the stress builds up and he needs a break. I have always supported this, as he is no fun once the stress mounts, and we can end up clashing a lot. He suffers badly from Seasonal affective disorder in the winter months, which compounds the problem

He went to Thailand last year and this was his second trip, which did raise some concerns in my head as he never visits the same place twice, but I squashed the thought.

So here I am this morning. I pick up his dirty travel clothes and I check all his pockets before loading the washing machine. In one of his short pockets I find 3 unused condoms.

DH had the snip 6 years ago. We haven't used condoms save once, 2 years ago because It was close to my time of the month, and I didn't want to take a chance.

Coincidentally, I found two additional condoms in his bottom drawer last week, but assumed they were old (part of the packet 2 years ago). I haven't had a chance to compare the numbers on the wrapper to see whether these are part of the same packet and he intentionally took them, or whether they are new, and he brought them when on his trip.

I am completely numb and in a strange suspended reality. I cannot compute what this means. Its like someone asking what colour the sky is and I know its blue but cannot say it.

Please help me clarify this. He's upstairs and is going to work soon. Eldest DS is here (only going in for A-levels exams), and I have a final deadline essay to give in for uni (today), which I'm trying to attend to but just cannot right now.

I genuinely have lost the ability to reason. Maybe it doesn't mean what I think it might? Help me think please.

OP posts:
ACrapDay · 08/06/2017 18:54

majoria the first thing we did when he came back was have reunion sex. Now I'm afraid. I felt sore yesterday and itchy but I always get thrush and reckoned it was caused by the sex being a bit rough and the fact I ran out of aqueous cream and used the Dove soap in the bath instead. My period started this morning. I also thought the discomfort was down to that and hormones.

Now I have to go STI but I'll probably have to wait? Or can I still go now? I can't believe he could do this to me.

OP posts:
Inneedofadvice20172234 · 08/06/2017 18:56

How is your marriage otherwise?

LordBeefCurtain · 08/06/2017 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TatianaLarina · 08/06/2017 19:02

If you think he'll try and talk his way out of the condoms you could try the age old trick of telling him you've been diagnosed with an STI, whether you actually have one or not.

daisychainagain · 08/06/2017 19:04

Really hope you're ok op. FlowersFlowers

happypoobum · 08/06/2017 19:06

What a total bastard Sad

You need to get your ducks in a row before you let him know that you know about his sordid "holiday".

I hope it all goes OK at the clinic Flowers

monkeywithacowface · 08/06/2017 19:09

I don't think you need anymore "evidence" here. Don't let him reduce you to an anxious wreck, searching for clues and doubting yourself when it really is as clear as day what is happening here.

He can deny it but would you honestly believe him?

ACrapDay · 08/06/2017 19:13

Thank you for your comments. My mum and sister live round the corner, but I feel so humiliated I can't tell anyone in RL this. I can't bear it. I can't even afford to break down completely. Both DS are in the house and I have just washed my face and pretended everything is fine. 1st DS is an emotional magnet so any slight sign that I'm out of sorts and he'll know somethings up, and I can't burden him with this. If I stay out I'll need a mighty big excuse.

I feel like an utter utter idiot. And to make it worse our sex life had dwindled to once or twice a month, and I've been here like an idiot, working out, running and weight training, trying new clothes, like a complete and utter fool! because my weight crept up to a size 14, plus I've been was always busy with uni and I told myself I had to make an effort to make it better for both of us. I feel so utterly humiliated now. How could he step on me like this? How? I would never do this to him. Never.

OP posts:
BandeauSally · 08/06/2017 19:15

Oh OP I am so sorry. You have 100% proof now that at very least he intended to cheat and very probably did.

I can't believe he actually brought them back home and put them in the drawer knowing you do his laundry!!

BluebellsareBlue · 08/06/2017 19:17

OP so sorry you're going through this. Is he really so lax that he wouldn't have disposed of them prior to giving you his washing? Could they have been given out at the airport and he's brought them home?

mumoseven · 08/06/2017 19:17

Oh I'm so sorry, darlingFlowers you must feel utterly wretched! Don't call yourself a fool for not seeing it, as you say you would never cheat, so why would you have expected him to?

JamesBlonde1 · 08/06/2017 19:23

What made him suggest Thailand for his first trip? What was wrong with a short flight to Spain? Did you not find it strange for him to be going to one of the most notorious countries in the world for this type of thing? Did it not fleet through your mind at all?

Don't get me wrong, I've been twice and it's beautiful, but it was clear to all concerned I was not going for dodgy sex. I was a female going with my DH.

If my DH said I'm off to Thailand, either on his own or with pals I'd be saying don't bother coming back. It's as blunt as that.

You might want to ask for an extension of time for your uni work explaining personal problems.

He's been shagging God knows who. Women, ladyboys, children?

Someone will come along and tell you what you need to tell him. I'm more in the prevention camp, rather than what to do after the horse has bolted.

Best of luck OP.

Underthemoonlight · 08/06/2017 19:29

I wonder op if he's being making a habit of this by holidaying regularly on his own. The fact he visited Thailand twice says a lot.

ImperialBlether · 08/06/2017 19:31

He sounds utterly selfish to me, tbh. He has a holiday each year just for himself, when your children are of an age where family holidays are great fun? He goes to great destinations - he doesn't exactly skimp, does he? And now he seems to think he's single during his little trips away. That's really appalling behaviour - AND why the hell didn't he dump the condoms before leaving Thailand? Why bring them home with him? Ffs that's like saying he intends to use them in the future!

JamesBlonde1 · 08/06/2017 19:32

Don't worry, if people in RL knew that he was in Thailand on his own, they knew what he was there for. They'll know already. You won't have to tell them. Sadly, that's what image the place has for sole male travellers. Stacks and stacks of them in the airport.

No amount of training/dieting will get to the size of the Thai women if that's his thing (assuming that's what he's gone for). They are minute. As are the men. At 5'7" I felt like the Jolly Green Giant.

My guess is this. You do need to think about your finances now. Very carefully. The stories of men, who've had a taste for Thailand, who end up living there with a Thai bride or ship one over here is nobody's business. DON'T let your family money be used as a charity base for some Thai woman and her clan.

Get your ducks in a row and get to the solicitor toot sweet.

RandomMess · 08/06/2017 19:33

So sorry op Flowers

AnnieAnoniMouse · 08/06/2017 19:34

I'm so sorry.

I'd go and tell him to pack a bag & when he goes to training tonight, not to come back.

Tell him to do it quietly & without a fuss because if he upsets the children there will be no going back.

Tell him you will NOT discuss it with the children in the house.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/06/2017 19:39

This is totally awful and I really feel for you.
Keep yourself busy for now.
Have look on-line at your local GUM clinic and see when they have a walk in session.
I've had to do this recently.
It fucking sucks big time.
But it needs to be done.

You'll be in shock right now.
Hardly surprising.
Keep hydrated and your sugar levels up because when the crash comes you'll need that!

Hand holding here.

Istoletherainbow · 08/06/2017 19:42

Flowers I'm so sorry.

I absolutely hate reading these threads. They're alarmingly common.

Sending you lots of strength OP.

PerpetualStudent · 08/06/2017 19:44

Some excellent advice already, but just wanted to say - weight training, running, uni course, supporting your DSs through exams? You sound like a wonder woman! I'm sure whatever comes next, you'll cope amazingly x

BewareOfDragons · 08/06/2017 19:57

I can't believe he actually brought them back home and put them in the drawer knowing you do his laundry!!

I agree with others: he wanted you to find them. Too cowardly to open the discussion that he's not happy, looking elsewhere, etc., so he dumped it on you in this cruel manner.

I also agree with AnoniMouse: tell him quietly to take a bag with him to training and not come home tonight. You will let him know when you're ready to hear what he has to say. And that if he argues and upsets the children, there will be no coming back.

So sorry, OP. But please don't blame yourself. His straying is not about your weight or you. It is about him and his lack of character.

Kennethnoisewater · 08/06/2017 20:12

You're not an idiot. He's a dirty cunt.

ImperialBlether · 08/06/2017 20:27

I don't agree that he wanted her to know. Some people are just bloody stupid. He wouldn't want her to know if he was casually having sex with girls in a bar. It might be different if he was having a full blown affair.

Pollyanna9 · 08/06/2017 20:34

I think the leaving the condoms is either that in some way he wants her to know, but I also think that these men have the ability to justify and live in a totally separated, fantasy world to the extent that they can't compute any issue with leaving the condoms lying around. It's like they're invisible and believe (possibly because they've gotten away with it for years because their other half is a generous, kind and nice person who doesn't see bad things in people) that you're just not going to find out!

How horrible for you OP, what an absolute shit. Deluded, clueless and selfish.

UnicornSparkles1 · 08/06/2017 21:09

You have done absolutely nothing to feel humiliated about. This is all on him, not you. Dirty, lying bastard.

I agree with mouse, tell him to leave quietly and without a fuss and you'll discuss it when you feel good and ready.

I'm so sorry, what a horrendous shock.