Please help me get my head around this

[ACrapDay]

Quick summary, no drip feeding.

DH has just returned (Tuesday) from a trip to Thailand. He went on his own. DH goes away once a year on his own as he runs his own business, which often necessitates working incredibly long hours and eventually the stress builds up and he needs a break. I have always supported this, as he is no fun once the stress mounts, and we can end up clashing a lot. He suffers badly from Seasonal affective disorder in the winter months, which compounds the problem

He went to Thailand last year and this was his second trip, which did raise some concerns in my head as he never visits the same place twice, but I squashed the thought.

So here I am this morning. I pick up his dirty travel clothes and I check all his pockets before loading the washing machine. In one of his short pockets I find 3 unused condoms.

DH had the snip 6 years ago. We haven't used condoms save once, 2 years ago because It was close to my time of the month, and I didn't want to take a chance.

Coincidentally, I found two additional condoms in his bottom drawer last week, but assumed they were old (part of the packet 2 years ago). I haven't had a chance to compare the numbers on the wrapper to see whether these are part of the same packet and he intentionally took them, or whether they are new, and he brought them when on his trip.

I am completely numb and in a strange suspended reality. I cannot compute what this means. Its like someone asking what colour the sky is and I know its blue but cannot say it.

Please help me clarify this. He's upstairs and is going to work soon. Eldest DS is here (only going in for A-levels exams), and I have a final deadline essay to give in for uni (today), which I'm trying to attend to but just cannot right now.

I genuinely have lost the ability to reason. Maybe it doesn't mean what I think it might? Help me think please.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. It is his shame not yours.

As for keeping the secret from other people, it's too late for that. Like JamesBlond1 said, anyone who knows he went to Thailand on his own, twice, will have drawn their own conclusions.

It is likely they have been gossiping about you for at least a couple of years wondering why the hell you are so supportive of his sex holidays.

You can go to the STI clinic when you are on your period. The sooner you get anything identified and treated, the better. Make sure you tell them your husband spent a week in Thailand on his own, came home, had unprotected sex with you and then you got itchy.

So sorry OP. What a twat he is :(

You must have the patience of a saint. I would have been locked up by now. How absolutely dare he think hes so invincible! How dare he do this to you! Disgusting human!!

A sex tourist only shames himself OP.

I would out him personally but I have a pathological detestation of Western men who exploit Asian women for sex.

Altho to be fair it sounds like he's been touring the brothels of the world not just Thailand.

Op, you are going to need your strength. Before you crumple make sure that you get some soups, smoothies, vitamin tablets to keep your strength up, you are likely to crash and burn and you need to look after your self. Herb tablets such as skull-cap for anxiety, valerian for stress and sleep and st johns wort for low mood ate a good idea, just check if you are taking any medication that these are ok.

Walking will help to calm and focus you.

Please talk to your family, they will want to help you, let them. If you were my friend or family member I would want to be there for you and your dc.

Go to your gp and let her/him know that you need an std check, tell gp why you need this. They should be able to refer you to counselling, this will help you feel supported. You may be able to have some meds for anxiety, sleep issues etc.

Phone and see as many solicitors as you can that offer half hour free consultation. You will need one that will work for your best interests and that you feel comfortable with.

Get all paper work, passports, documents, bank statements, savings, pension plans etc, photograph them and email them to yourself. Keep them safe at your parents home so that he can't find them. You will need this info at some point.

Email what is going on to your dc's schools, they may need support in what happens next.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, the shame is all his.

Sorry, I agree that he is a sex tourist.
That is a serious travel history. You might want to run a credit check on him and the business, too, for possible hidden credit cards (that might be maxed out). Or perhaps he is using every cent of profit from the business to maintain these trips? Thus the stress to keep the business running- if he spent the building rent on his R&R. Otherwise, martial arts is known to be a stress reliever...so an element of bs there, imho.

I can see that perhaps he could justify trips to the Orient/Indonesia in the name of studying martial arts from the source. But normally, a person would have one master who they would go to, for training, and for advancing their rank (which takes years between levels). Does he take any of his dobok/gi/uniforms with him?

It seems laughable, but another excuse he might try to lie with might be a test of enduring pain by weights attached to genitalia (which would lengthen the member- if done enough). Is there anything different/developing with his "equipment"?

Are you afraid of him? Is the rough reuniting sex normal?

You need to have it out with him, I don't think you'll get more evidence. It'll drive you mad and you won't be able to hide it from him. The kids don't need to know yet.

And the staunch staunch against cheaters...perhaps a bit of protesting too much?

*Staunch stance

Oh OP I'm so sorry
I hope he does the decent thing and owns up when you confront him

Agreed with pp. He's remembered the condoms he left lying about and thought oh fuck and now feels a bit guilty and worried that you know.

Not guilty enough to be honest with you mind.

So sorry :( I think I'd have to hide his phone and deny all knowledge, then look when he goes out to see if he's left it somewhere.

He's remembered the condoms. Have you checked his drawer to see if they've magically vanished? That will tell you a lot.

Hope you're doing okay x

Sorry to hear all this OP.

It's not beyond reason that there could be a different explanation
BUT if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and walks like a duck it probably IS a duck.

Sorry

How are you op?

Have read the thread & just wanted to offer you some support. You can do this. He's not good enough for you x

I too have a pathological hatred for men who exploit Asian women for sex. They are scummy fetishisers who do not respect women. They also ruin it not only for all Asian women in relationships with white men but all brown women in relationships with white men.

Every single man I have met who regularly goes to Thailand and Vietnam alone has been a massive fucking creep and a sleaze and I eye them with major suspicion. Every single one. I have spent time in SE Asia, frankly Cambodia is even worse. And trust me when I say that as a COUPLE, the women will still try to recruit you both so it is very easy for a solo male and you see the effects of it very easily. I am with a white man, and quite often I was viewed as my partner's piece for the night too by Western men (and Asians too) and my Indian friend experienced the same. It's rife, and was very very upsetting. Unless he is going regularly to a medidation course or yoga club then there is no other reason for him to go alone. There's no point in even considering this or which part of Thailand he went to, because the condoms tell you what you need to know. But if he was in Pattaya or Phuket you know for sure. Somewhere like Mae Son or Koh Kut and you could give him the slightest benefit of the doubt.

I am so sorry OP. I have been in your situation and it's crushing. there is no shame in being in your position. You have done nothing wrong and you might find strength in the help of your loved ones or friends. Unfortunately I was young and only told a few friends male ones who I knew wanted to fuck me, as I knew they already hated my partner and therefore wouldn't be disappointed in him as my good, true friends who liked him would be but even their support gave me a little bit of strength to stop blaming myself.

I too have a pathological hatred for men who exploit Asian women for sex. They are scummy fetishisers who do not respect women. They also ruin it not only for all Asian women in relationships with white men but all brown women in relationships with white men

Sums it up!

I just want to make it clear I know it's not just white men who go to SE Asia to exploit women who are paid to consent to their grubby, inconsequential and unsatisfactory sex/existence, plenty of black/brown men too. But as someone in an interracial relationship with a white man, believe me when I say there are plenty of people who - because of the racial dynamic - believe it's not a relationship of equals, two people who love each other, but based on what I can do for him sexually. These men ruin it for us.

But that's for another thread. OP, I'm 100% here for you and your anger towards him is rational. When i was in a similar situation i had no ducks to get in a row and he told me straight away, with no lies. It's best to collate all the evidence you need if you plan to leave but is there a chance your DP will be honest with you anyway? Will he certainly lie?

So sorry I meant to return to thread but I was so upset yesterday. I gave myself a massive migraine and felt like I would throw up. I lay down on the sofa with curtains drawn feeling awful, and this morning my head is still pounding. All I've done is drink water and take paracetamol, I can't bear anything else.

I want to sit this out until ds A-levels are at least finished, because I know its going to get ugly, but I don't know how much longer I can keep sucking it in, it is getting harder by the hour. If I could only have had a good cry in the night, but no tears came, I am numb. He's still fussing, volunteering yesterday to cook today, offering to go shop for anything I need. Trying to give me a hug and kiss me. I just want him to go away and not touch me with his hands.

He has asked if anything is on my mind he is so confident!

I searched the phone yesterday morning, and found nothing. No pictures, no messages. I didn't get time to search his history. I was half-relieved and half-disappointed as if there had been blatant evidence it would have made it obvious and made the coming confrontation easier. His laptop, I do not know the password to. He booked the holiday via the laptop, so there may be something there.

I know I have to start trying to get copies of paperwork together. Just the thought feels like 'how did I get here?' He has loads of folders with bits in. He's meticulous, so I'll have to do gather everything over time or he'll know I've disturbed things. He does all his tax returns online. It makes sense to gather it all before the big conversation though doesn't it? I can't believe I'm having to do this. Even think about it.

It was Phuket he went to. He stayed in a guset house. I'm so fucking stupid.

Hadn't thought about rechecking whether he's removed the stash in the bag. I'll do that today.
Someone upthead suggested he may say he got them for DS. As far as I know he's not sexually active yet, he's extremely studious, no girls mentioned, but then, how do I know anything these days!!

No. I have sat here thinking and rethinking, honestly trying to come up with some other plausible explanation as to why, why he would need to carry what I reckon is a grand total of about 18 condoms adding the ones in the pocket to the ones in the bag, when he's had the snip and we never use them. And as I write this, it comes to me that he has never liked to wear them. Both DS are happy accidents. So he has to have had at the very least the intent to sleep around and even there I know that's me looking for the best of it.

Thanks to the poster who suggested just saying 'I know that's not true' because my usual strategy will not serve me with the denials and that is something simple I can do and remember. I suspect when cornered he will say if he had something to hide, why would he leave the condoms for me to find? And make me seem stupid.

Actually the more I write the more convinced I become. I was never intended to see the condoms in the pocket. He carefully stashed the others away in the bag under the clothes. He thought he got them all. That's it. Perhaps I'll do a test, pretend to be looking for something in his drawer see his reaction.

Thanks Mumsnetters, actually your kind replies have me welling up a little.

My DS is 16 and they hand out condoms at school/college.

You know what he has done.

Oh you poor thing, he's an absolute lowlife for doing this to you. You deserve so much better.

I don't think I'd be able to speak to him at all. Can you go out and avoid him ? Can you talk to anyone in real life to get things off your chest ?

I really feel for you. I found out my ex had been sleeping with a young girl he had been working with, in fact she was our babysitter. It made me feel sick

Hi OP, just wanted to send you support. I can't even imagine what you're going through. Finding that out and not being able to say anything must be driving you absolutely crazy. I take my hat off to you for doing this for your children!!!
This man does not deserve you and hopefully he will be fully humiliated when this all comes out - no more than he deserves.
He has put your through hell and I hope you do the same to him. Use this awful time waiting to have it out with him by plotting what you're going to do. Keep looking for evidence if you can. Anything on his bank account etc. If he ever leaves his laptop unlocked, get right on it. Try to channel your anger if you can.

I know how you feel about the eating.
Sugary tea works wonders.
You have no sugar in your system so your headache won't go.
Ice-lollies got me through.
Try to get some sugar in as when the shock wears off and the crash comes you will need it.
((((HUGS))))

Phuket? The home of what is called 'bachelor hotels' basically small guest houses where the rooms come with balconies, kettles and a prostitute.....it's not looking great op, I'll lay money on it being in patong. Just do a quick google and look for yourself, men go to this notorious sex tourism destination for one reason only. Also, please get an appt for sti testing, if you have contracted anything you need to get treatment asap.

Ask him for his laptop password - that's suspicious also that you don't know it (sorry). Just say yours has broken and you need to do x online. If he's funny about giving you access then you know there's something dodgy on there.