Please help me get my head around this

[ACrapDay]

Quick summary, no drip feeding.

DH has just returned (Tuesday) from a trip to Thailand. He went on his own. DH goes away once a year on his own as he runs his own business, which often necessitates working incredibly long hours and eventually the stress builds up and he needs a break. I have always supported this, as he is no fun once the stress mounts, and we can end up clashing a lot. He suffers badly from Seasonal affective disorder in the winter months, which compounds the problem

He went to Thailand last year and this was his second trip, which did raise some concerns in my head as he never visits the same place twice, but I squashed the thought.

So here I am this morning. I pick up his dirty travel clothes and I check all his pockets before loading the washing machine. In one of his short pockets I find 3 unused condoms.

DH had the snip 6 years ago. We haven't used condoms save once, 2 years ago because It was close to my time of the month, and I didn't want to take a chance.

Coincidentally, I found two additional condoms in his bottom drawer last week, but assumed they were old (part of the packet 2 years ago). I haven't had a chance to compare the numbers on the wrapper to see whether these are part of the same packet and he intentionally took them, or whether they are new, and he brought them when on his trip.

I am completely numb and in a strange suspended reality. I cannot compute what this means. Its like someone asking what colour the sky is and I know its blue but cannot say it.

Please help me clarify this. He's upstairs and is going to work soon. Eldest DS is here (only going in for A-levels exams), and I have a final deadline essay to give in for uni (today), which I'm trying to attend to but just cannot right now.

I genuinely have lost the ability to reason. Maybe it doesn't mean what I think it might? Help me think please.

As soon as you said he goes off to Thailand on his own I knew what was coming. He went there for cheap sex. Sorry. If he wanted a restful holiday in the sun there are plenty of places in Europe that he could have gone without schlepping to Thailand.

Why would he pick Thailand as a destination if not for sex?

I just hope it was with consenting adults!!! What a complete tosser!

I'm sorry OP but he's fucked you over!

I know men who do go to Thailand on their own for the scenery and/or the Buddhism. Neither would go near places that either needed condoms or handed out free condoms. The World Health Organisation does provide a range of free condom services (including working with restaurants like Cabbages & Condoms - I kid you not) but I cant see why he would want to keep them. Are they branded with anything interesting/amusing?

Why did you think he was visiting Thailand on his own for the second time?

The two men I know who visit regularly do not go for the sights.

I found two additional condoms in his bottom drawer last week, but assumed they were old (part of the packet 2 years ago). I haven't had a chance to compare the numbers on the wrapper to see whether these are part of the same packet and he intentionally took them, or whether they are new, and he brought them when on his trip.

Are the ones in his pocket the same as the ones in the drawer? As in same brand and range?

I can only think of one reason why a man would go "alone" to Thailand. Twice :(

And I wouldn't go near either of them when they came back, condoms or not.

I mentioned SAD only to give a picture of how his stress accumulates over the year. He cannot go on holiday in winter months as that's when business picks up.

Its finally starting to hit me now. I am on the edge of tears. I don't think I can confront him today, plus the bloody A-levels. I really don't want DS stressed out. 2nd DS is doing gcse mocks. This is so bloody crap.

He just came downstairs and I passive aggressively told him he was getting in my way (I'm cooking dinner) and could he get out the kitchen. I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I have the password to his phone, I'll have a check when he's in the bath later. That alone feels shit. I've never had to do that before.

Thing is if he denies, then I really won't know if he's lying (unless his phone is forthcoming). I suspect he'll tell me something which could be vaguely plausible, get upset, make me feel bad for even suggesting he could have been unfaithful, and then I'll be left in limbo. And it'll be left on me to push it or drop it. Our arguments usually end in stalemate.

In any case I dont need to take pictures. I'm just going to hand them to him and say 'these are yours'. Then wait for the eruption. I still can't believe it. I suspect it'll catch up with me later.

Bandeau I'm going to check that when he's gone.

Can you check bank statements etc? See how much was spent and where?

Where in Thailand did he go and where has he been in previous years for his de-stressing jaunts?

When does he go to work? I'm a bit confused, early you said at 14.30 he was going to work, and you just said that you'll check when he's in the bath later!

OP if you can, check the numbers to see if they're from the same packet in the drawer.
If they are then you have your answer.

Yes there is a chance these condoms were handed out, but realistically that's not what's happened here.

You asked if he was guilty why would he leave evidence?
A lot of cheaters get found out eventually. Usually it's because they mess up on a lie or forget to hide something. This is it, he's forgotten the condoms were in there.

Check his phone. Sort out finances.

If it looks like a duck etc...

So sorry.

I'm so sorry OP. I'm not a suspicious person but the circumstantial evidence is pretty damning.

The phone will be key. If he's absent minded enough to leave condoms in his pocket then I doubt he'll have cleared his browsing unless it's really incriminating.

I hope you're okay. You will get through this. Today might well be the worst day but each day after will be a little bit easier. If only fractionally.

Oh dear. I feel that it's not good news Have you ever suspected him of cheating being inappropriate before. Flirting with friends Found porn etc.
Anything g that gives you that gut feeling ?

Goes on holiday on his own - check
Goes to the same place twice (when he normally doesn't) - check
Has SAD but goes on holiday in June - check
Comes home and has 3 condoms despite the snip - check

It means exactly what you think it means OP.

So sorry

Go check the condoms. You don't need to wait till he's gone to do that - just lock yourself in the toilet and check the make and number.
There's absolutely no point confronting him until you're sure. He's unlikely to admit it if you have no proof and are already making excuses for him.

Sorry, OP.

I can't imagine this will be good news, no matter what he claims.

The phone is only key if he's seeing someone regularly. If he's just wandering around and taking advantage of women in bars, I doubt there'd be any evidence on his phone.

Oh OP so sorry ! Please do check his phone when you get a chance and his search history on any computer and laptops/iPads he has and collect information you can screen shot these and send them to yourself via email for divorce proceedings if you need too. Check all those things before you confront him other wise you will always wonder. It could just be that they handed them out free but I highly
Doubt it!
Xxx

If they are the same as in the packet then he hasn't used them unless some are missing!

You probably not going to get the truth from him. Without conclusive evidence and the inevitable denial, you will aways wonder. Can you live like that or now the trust is gone it that game over?