Not happy with the idea of being tracked.

[MattMurdock]

DW wanted me to install an app so she can see where I am (and me her) at all times.

When I said I didn't like the sound of that she said why what do you have to hide.

I don't have anything to hide, but I don't feel the need to know where she is 24/7 and I don't like that she wants to be able to keep tabs on where I am.

She's saying that it was just interesting and reassuring but I feel that its controlling and shows a lack of trust.

AIBU to feel upset about it. She's saying to forget it if that's how I feel but I'm worried that if I don't install it she'll feel that I do have something to hide.

[myusernameisgeneric]

I know one couple who use it as they both struggle with bad traffic in their commutes and they use it to see how far away the other is when they get home so they know when to put tea on they are both happy though and find it useful rather than intrusive as it saves them the stress of trying to let th other know how late the will be.

I think it's absolutely a personal choice and no one should be forced to install something like this.

[MephistophelesApprentice]

My partner and I use the share location feature in Google Maps purely because I thought it was really cool to see each other on the map. Under no circumstances would I have insisted on it if she had been unwilling. Trying to emotionally blackmail someone into doing something like that sounds like a vile and disrespectful violation.

[AnchorDownDeepBreath]

I used to have this with DP. I would have argued that it was very normal; worked for us; meant we knew where each other was. I would have argued that it was a good thing and caused no issues.

Looking back; I can now see that it was the start of a horrendous slippery slope.

[Kursk]

DH permanently shared his location with me. I never use it though. But it's nice to know that I can if I wanted

[2littlemoos]

DP cycles to work and down roads with no cycle paths. Sometimes in the dark too. I am a worrier and I like him to text when he is in so I know he has got in safely.

I might consider an app like that for peace of mind so perhaps it could be the same for your DW.

Just a possibility.

[WeAllHaveWings]

Dh can see where ds or I am if he's home and on the iPad. I can't see where he is as he still has an industrial non smart phone (not techy at all).

We have it in case our phones are lost, and we use it to see where ds is when he's out and about. No idea if he looks to see where I am, probably does if he comes home and we are out or if he wants to see if I'm on way home from work yet, but I have no problem if he does.

[WannaBe]

It's absolutely personal choice. Both me and my ds and my DP have it and I barely register it.


However, last year I was rushed unconscious to hospital and ds arrived home just as the ambulance was driving off. He used find my friends to track which (non local) hospital I was taken to.

As such it has whole new value for me. But if it's not for you then that's not wrong.

[Mummmy2017]

Maybe install it and spend all evening asking her about where she has been, and for how long, and see if she hates it,,,

[HSMMaCM]

DH, DD and I have it on our phones. I've been watching their progress back from a long journey. We don't look at it every day. DD spies on us to see when we're coming home I suspect, but that doesn't bother me. Any of us could switch it off if we wanted to.

[Redhead17]

I wouldn't be happy about it tbh

I would do it on m kids phones, I work same hours every day and he has same pattern too, I have dinner ready for same time if he's in then hot dinner if he isn't because of traffic then it's put in oven.

[MiniMum97]

My and my DH have this on my phone. It's practical as he commutes and I can track him coming home and he often doesn't hear his phone to pick up.

He is happy with this as am I. I have to say though if I suggested it and he said no, I would wonder why as it's purely for practical reasons. Why would he be worried? I trust him completely but equally we shouldn't have secrets so why would he be concerned about me knowing where he was. That might raise suspicions where there weren't any.

[roywoodsbeard]

DH and I use Find my Friends. It's great for us as DH can see when I'm about 2 mins away from home after work and put the kettle on. Also, if I walk home from work he sometimes starts off from home to meet me along the way - it's good to be able to see how far away we are from each other. Also I am a worrier and when DH goes out for an evening without me, I can check every now and then where he is, e.g. Has he left the pub and is on the way home. It's not stalky, just helps me to relax and not worry so much, especially as DH was violently mugged a few years ago. Ditto for me if I'm out alone. It can also be fun sometimes, and handy in all sorts of situations. We are very happily married with no trust issues and neither of us feel like we're being tracked- the only time DH ever switched it off was when was he was buying my Christmas present in the Apple Store and didn't want to risk me seeing where he was 😄

[CheeseQueen]

It's a totally weird idea for me for grown adults to track each other!
Ugh. Creepy and controlling. I don't feel the need to know where DH is every second,and I wouldn't want him to be tracking me either.
Not because I have anything to hide as I definitely don't, but it seems like a massive privacy invasion!
Why on earth would you need to tab someone if you trusted them? How on earth did you all live in "the olden days" when there was no such things as phone trackers to check up on people?!
So, OP, no YADNBU and your DW is BU.

[CheeseQueen]

Most of my teenage DDs friends have this so their parents can check where they are. Beyond weird IMO. These are 16/17 year olds!!
Ugh, see that doesn't sit comfortably with me, either! Would you have wanted your mum putting a tracker on you when you were 16/17? I know I wouldn't even though I was a very boring teen it would have been a definite stalker, over possessive feeling!
I'd feel weird about putting one on my teen.

[IntheBenefitTrap]

Me, DH, DS, DM and DF all have the same app and all appear on each other's phones. Never thought of it being strange before, none of us have anything to hide and it can be really handy if DM or DH are at the shops and I can text and ask them to pick me up something

[FritzDonovan]

If I'm repeatedly late or don't text to say where I am, I'm happy for my dinner to go cold
Maybe your OH gets sick of cooking a meal you obv don't care much for in this case .

Maybe install it and spend all evening asking her about where she has been, and for how long, and see if she hates it,,,

Or maybe, instead of acting like a dick, he could try it for a week and see if she actually does this, because I bet the large majority of ppl with access to it don't do this at all.

OP, unless she has shown massively controlling actions before, I really doubt she'll be wanting to track your every move. If you really want privacy, turn it off. Of course, then one has to wonder why it's so important to you for her not to know where you are. If it's okay for her to have it for dd, why not for you?

[MattMurdock]

@FritzDonovan

Actually I don't think the way she tracks DD is healthy. DD is 15 and is turning into a sensible, independent young woman. I feel that we need to trust her and allow her that independence but DW doesn't and I won't undermine her parenting. She goes through her phone, laptop, iPad etc regularly not because DD gives us any reason to distrust her but so there will be no reason as DD knows that her DM will find out. I think there is a fine line between firm parenting and being controlling and I do feel she over steps the mark.

I think the fact that she tracked DD while on a day out with me is creepy. Why does she need to, she didn't tell me when I texted to say we arrived that she already knew, she knew we were leaving as we'd walked out to the car park and she knew we were stuck in a jam for a bit as the car didn't move for a while. That is the scrutiny I would expect if I install the tracker. She sits on her phone all night, if I go out for a drink with friends I'm sure she will be watching where I am throughout the evening, which pubs I visit, hell if she zooms in she might even be able to tell how many times I go to the toilet.

So I'm afraid that I shall continue "to act like a dick" and not install it.

[FritzDonovan]

Your choice. But I see it as idle interest rather than stalkish behaviour. Your insistence to not even consider it speaks volumes to me, as this is also controlling because you don't seem to want to consider a compromise.
And I will very likely want full access to my dc online media accounts, etc, as no matter how sensible you think they are, teenagers do not have the insight into what can happen online that parents do.

[GabsAlot]

some people on here aare so relaint on tech now its sad

safety tool? what did u do before phones then-it doent make anyone safe does it

if theyre in a broken dow car or train what xactgly ar eu going to do

im with you op

[GabsAlot]

"exactly

and something else why isnt just an im on my way txt good enough anymore

[kmc1111]

I think people are being are being a bit naive thinking they can accurately track teens or partners up to no good.

If I was a teenager wanting my parents to think I was at a friends place or the park or the movies etc. when really I was off with a girlfriend/boyfriend or at a bar or whatever I'd just give my phone to a friend for a while. Unless you're actually physically stalking them or requiring they talk to you on the phone every 15 minutes or so they can very easily get up to loads while looking like they're in a totally suitable place.

Same with cheating partners. Hell, all you'd have to do is say you're working late, leave your phone at work, go screw around then go back to work and retrieve the phone. Or go to the pub, give a mate your phone and duck out for a while.

The apps are completely useless if someone with half a brain has something to hide.

[NightWanderer]

A group of friends and I were having lunch and one woman said that she had all her partner's passwords and regularly checked his phone, email, Facebook etc. We were all shocked as none of us did it. Anyway, it all came out not longer after that he'd been having an affair. He broke down and confessed. All that checking for nothing.

The OP could just as easily ask what his wife has to hide. Why does she need to know where he is all the time? What doesn't she want him to see? It works both ways really.

[FritzDonovan]

As to saying ppl are too reliant on technology gabs, the point of technology is to make life easier, which it does. Doesn't mean you couldn't manage without it. A text when you leave work isn't a very reliable indicator of etc when you commute long distances on roads which regularly see accidents and delays.

[feelingoldandtired]

Don't why you wouldn't if you're not up to anything ?

[IntheBenefitTrap]

Sometimes, relying on technology is absolutely brilliant for my severe anxiety disorder. I don't have to worry any more if my husband and son have made it to work/school safely. I can have a quick look at my phone and put my mind at ease. If my son is out somewhere I can check if he's still there at a glance. He can send a help signal to our entire family with the app. In a normal relationship with nothing at all to hide, why would it matter if your partner checks to see where you are? Sometimes if DH is out, I check just out of curiosity as he does to me. We call it the stalker app.